Nah, everything is all perfect. He has completely changed ladies. He realizes now what he was doing was wrong, he even cleaned the dinner dishes last night! All is wonderful.
You have a mother-child relationship going on. How old are the 2 of you? For a realistic discussion on finances and setting up a budget that works for both partners - read Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach. However, I don't think your problems are really about money.
Post by aprilmaple on May 18, 2012 11:55:20 GMT -5
Here's how it went.
Wednesday evening, after we got off of work, we took some time to relax then had a discussion.
I based it off of a list of things I wanted to fix that I had written out. It went okay, there was really nothing much he could say besides "I'll work on it." What else could someone say? We did address ways in which to hold him accountable for making progress, so that's something.
I think we are going to try to split up the housework so that we each have stuff we need to take care of. All we've come to an agreement on is he is responsible for taking the trash out to the curb, I am responsible for the laundry (by my choice - I am kind of picky on how I want my clothes washed), and we are both responsible for the dishes. Other than that, we still have some decisions to make.
I told him the name calling is over, and also we need to follow more healthy ways to argue. Mostly that we need to give each other time to cool down for a minute, then go discuss whatever it is.
The general agreement is we'll give it a week and see how it's going. After a week, we'll see what progress has been made/discuss things that need to happen that aren't happening.
Also, we've agreed to call each other out when one of us is doing something that is unacceptable in the relationship. This has worked so far. Again, we'll see how it's going on Wednesday.
It's going to be a process and I'm okay with that, I just want to see improvement.
Bowies, this is for you: He would definitely say that I'm controlling and nagging about money/housework/etc. That I want to do things my way. Anyway, yes, he would definitely have a few things to say about what he thinks I am doing wrong as well. Two sides to every story and all.
As of now, I am almost solely responsible for the finances. I get the paycheck balance, figure out what needs to be done with it, and then run it by him. This is usually because when I am at work, I have time to sit around and figure it out, whereas he does not.
So, game plan:
-Improve the way we argue with each other. We will argue, but there is a good way and bad way to do it. We are currently doing it the bad way. -No more name calling -Let each other know when we are doing something that would be a potential dealbreaker should the behavior continue -See how this is working after about a week or so, continue to monitor it
That's what we have agreed on.
Also, we could: -Sit down together with our paychecks and figure out where it needs to go -Figure out who should do what around the house and when
I don't know if you are the type that this would help, but if you like reading material relevant to your situation I really like the stuff by John Gottman about fighting styles and communication/intimacy in marriage.
Just look him up on Amazon - there are many titles and probably newer things than what I have read. He talks a lot about how to work with a partner who doesn't argue the way you do. Of course no fight should include name-calling or demeaning language, but understanding what broader research shows may help you take your communication to another level.
I don't know if you are the type that this would help, but if you like reading material relevant to your situation I really like the stuff by John Gottman about fighting styles and communication/intimacy in marriage.
Just look him up on Amazon - there are many titles and probably newer things than what I have read. He talks a lot about how to work with a partner who doesn't argue the way you do. Of course no fight should include name-calling or demeaning language, but understanding what broader research shows may help you take your communication to another level.
Good luck to you!
I'm going to second this book recommendation. I read "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work" during our premarital counseling. It was pretty great, actually, and very insightful. I kept it in case I ever want to reference it in the future.
-Sit down together with our paychecks and figure out where it needs to go -Figure out who should do what around the house and when
Yes, you need to also do these things.
Money Put together a budget so you know what your monthly expenses are. Calculate how much you would each need to deposit into a joint account each month. Say you have $1,500/month going out between rent, utilities, insurance and groceries. You'd each need to bring $750/month if you go the 50/50 route.
You deposit your paycheck into your account. He deposits his paycheck into his account. You each put (hypothetically) $750 into a joint account. Whatever is left in your individual accounts after the bills are paid is what you have for your own personal stuff for that month. Car payments, student loans, credit cards, gas, fun money, etc.
Chores Make a chore chart. Go to Staples and get a dry erase calendar blank. Fill it out. Say Monday is trash day, so write TRASH in blue on each Monday. Tuesday is laundry day so write LAUNDRY in pink on each Tuesday. You do full cleaning on Saturday, so write VACUUM and DUST in blue and BATHROOMS and KITCHEN in pink for every Saturday. Write DISHES on the calendar everyday, just alternate colors each day or each week. He does what's blue, you do what's pink. Fill in any others that apply to your house (litter box, poop scoop the yard, weed gardens, etc). There's no room for arguement if the to-do list is posted on the fridge every day.
Post by aprilmaple on May 18, 2012 15:18:34 GMT -5
I will definitely check out those books. I read a lot...so that's right up my alley.
Yes, we did discuss the "his" money thing. He had never really pulled that before the knife sales. Turns out that the real reason he said that was because he wants to save for a car audio system for my car (because we drive my car most of the time). This is something we'd talked about saving for a few months ago. We agreed he could save up his money for whatever he wanted but putting back for it out of community money was not really possible. So the deal was he would save his money as he wanted to, and I might pitch in now and then if I wanted since I would be using it and all especially because it's in my car, but I'm under no obligation to because I don't really care if I have it or not and I definitely want other things more.
Anyway, he wanted to call his knife sales paychecks his own because he wanted to save for a car audio system, so when he said "This is money I'm making on a side job so it's my money", he more or less meant "I want to save for a car audio system and know that is pretty much the only extra money we have to save for it." Only he really could have said it that way in the first place, then I wouldn't have been so pissed.
So we decided that we will save OUR money from his sales paychecks for our upcoming vacation (first anniversary trip...we're going back to the beach where we got married), then he can put the paychecks back for the audio thing, provided we don't need it for any other essential things.
Since he had never really pulled the "this is mine and that is yours" before, I think that will be the end of it.
I feel like I talk a lot on these posts, but I guess I just feel a need to thoroughly explain everything.
Post by aprilmaple on May 19, 2012 10:21:13 GMT -5
OMG I am sooooo ridiculous about laundry...I'm even really particular about how I want my clothes hung up...all the clothes hangers have to be facing the same way and I have my closet organized so I can find my shirts when I need to. I like his hangers all facing the same way too. If someone else hangs them up wrong I won't fix it, but I make all mine hang the same way.
Anyway good suggestion, but I don't mind doing his laundry. It's the one part of housework that I don't have any problem with doing. Everything else sucks, though.
Post by loveablesarah on May 20, 2012 18:57:53 GMT -5
Ok, I haven't ready every response, but seriously? None of you have ever been called a bitch or some other nasty name? REALLY? I find that hard to believe. Is it disrespectful - yes. Is it marriage ending - no.
$16? Is it REALLY such a huge deal that he spent $16? It's not like we are talking about $600 for fucks sake. Honestly, I find it silly that you even asked him not to spend the $16. Is $16 really going to break you? It is going to put you out on the street? He should have waited like you asked, because you asked, but I don't find it earth shattering that he didn't.
Dishes. This is not about you. He didn't feel like doing them. So what? You said he works hard and contributes to your finances... If doesn't feel like doing the dishes, give him a break. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and it doesn't mean he doesn't respect you. It means HE DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT. They can wait a day or two. If he said he'd do them, leave them until he does them. You nagging him about it is only going to make him put off doing them longer.
I'm sorry. It sounds to me like you need to lossen up and get a grip. And stop taking everything he does or doesn't do as a direct reflection on how he feels about you. I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion and I'll probably get flamed. I think people are too quick to say "leave him". I think people need to remember that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes and we all deserve forgiveness.
A few things I don't understand: If your finances are so tight that you cannot afford counseling and $16 headphones are a concern, how are you going to afford a child in just a couple years? And why are you taking a vacation in the near future?
Ok, I haven't ready every response, but seriously? None of you have ever been called a bitch or some other nasty name? REALLY? I find that hard to believe. Is it disrespectful - yes. Is it marriage ending - no.
$16? Is it REALLY such a huge deal that he spent $16? It's not like we are talking about $600 for fucks sake. Honestly, I find it silly that you even asked him not to spend the $16. Is $16 really going to break you? It is going to put you out on the street? He should have waited like you asked, because you asked, but I don't find it earth shattering that he didn't.
Dishes. This is not about you. He didn't feel like doing them. So what? You said he works hard and contributes to your finances... If doesn't feel like doing the dishes, give him a break. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and it doesn't mean he doesn't respect you. It means HE DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT. They can wait a day or two. If he said he'd do them, leave them until he does them. You nagging him about it is only going to make him put off doing them longer.
I'm sorry. It sounds to me like you need to lossen up and get a grip. And stop taking everything he does or doesn't do as a direct reflection on how he feels about you. I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion and I'll probably get flamed. I think people are too quick to say "leave him". I think people need to remember that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes and we all deserve forgiveness.
I can honestly say that I have NEVER been called a bitch by my SO. Ever. I've been called that by other people, but sure as fuck not by the person that I live with and share my life with. I agree with all the other ladies who said that it's a sign of complete and utter disrespect. I might not leave him for calling me that, but he would definitely know to never, ever use that word in reference to me again. Not wanting your SO or husband to call you shitty names is not a sign of having a stick up your ass. It's a sign of having a backbone and knowing that you deserve respect.
Ok, I haven't ready every response, but seriously? None of you have ever been called a bitch or some other nasty name? REALLY? I find that hard to believe. Is it disrespectful - yes. Is it marriage ending - no.
$16? Is it REALLY such a huge deal that he spent $16? It's not like we are talking about $600 for fucks sake. Honestly, I find it silly that you even asked him not to spend the $16. Is $16 really going to break you? It is going to put you out on the street? He should have waited like you asked, because you asked, but I don't find it earth shattering that he didn't.
Dishes. This is not about you. He didn't feel like doing them. So what? You said he works hard and contributes to your finances... If doesn't feel like doing the dishes, give him a break. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and it doesn't mean he doesn't respect you. It means HE DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT. They can wait a day or two. If he said he'd do them, leave them until he does them. You nagging him about it is only going to make him put off doing them longer.
I'm sorry. It sounds to me like you need to lossen up and get a grip. And stop taking everything he does or doesn't do as a direct reflection on how he feels about you. I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion and I'll probably get flamed. I think people are too quick to say "leave him". I think people need to remember that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes and we all deserve forgiveness.
I can honestly say that I have never been called any nasty name by my husband, or any other SO in the past either. Nor have I called any SO a nasty name while fighting. That is just unacceptable behavior.
Post by aprilmaple on May 21, 2012 11:10:54 GMT -5
loveablesarah:
I said somewhere in there that the spending the $16 dollars wasn't really about the amount he spent necessarily, but the fact that I had the exact amount that I needed to pay for tuition set aside and I asked him repeatedly not to spend any of it on his headset, and we were going to get some extra spending money in the next couple of days...and he did anyway. So it's not so much the amount as not listening to me when I asked him not to do something.
You probably have a point that I need to loosen up somewhat, however he and I both work hard and contribute more or less equally to our finances. So I just don't think it's that big of a deal to ask him when he has the whole or most of the day off of work to get it done before I get home. I try to be flexible on it, but we cook so much that if we do leave them for a couple of days like you're suggesting, there would be a ridiculous amount to catch up on.
I do agree that these are not things to leave him over, but work out.
libgrl:
Again, see above. The $16 dollar thing was more because I asked him not to spend money I had specifically set aside and he did anyway. Not necessarily because it was just $16. I just wished he would have listened to me when I told him that I needed that money for something else (which we did agree on, we agreed that I would use it for tuition).
Why I think we can afford kids in a couple of years: We are both still working towards are proper certifications for our future careers -- his in real estate, mine in teaching. Part of our list of "What do we need to do before we have kids?" is that we are working either in our careers or in a salaried position with benefits, et cetera. Right now, I am working a retail job and he is working in a fast food restaurant. By the time we decide to have kids, our financial situation will have improved.
Why we are taking a vacation: It's our first wedding anniversary and we are returning to the island where we got married. It's close by, so no airfare and we landed a reasonably priced hotel.
Post by aprilmaple on May 21, 2012 11:52:22 GMT -5
We decided to tell each other when something we are doing is a dealbreaker. So, if he is whining and it's ridiculous I'll be like "No, not cool. I couldn't put up with that forever." That also makes me think of things I can be flexible on, because I think in some circumstances I need to chill out a little and compromise - not everything needs to be done when I say to do it. Same deal with name calling. If he starts, I'll be like "Not okay." My hope is that eventually we get a solid base of what is and isn't okay in how we interact with each other.
As for the gaming thing, nice idea, but there's no way I'd ask him to give it up. It's his way of relieving stress and the way that he gets some "me-time". He has friends he likes to talk to when he plays...he enjoys it. It's like how I go and get coffee and just sit in the coffeehouse and read for a few hours on my days off. We need that stuff to unwind. He has went weeks without gaming before (his decision, not mine) because he's been busy with work and social life (real-life social life, not gaming social life) and stuff. The weeks that he goes without gaming don't really change his attitude towards housework.
Post by geekygirl83 on May 22, 2012 22:57:21 GMT -5
I swear to God you just described my STBXH to the tee. Even this part
"What I see in my husband (when he's not being an ass and I'm not completely pissed): A basically good guy - and he is, he is very generous to his friends and family and cares about them deeply, someone who knows and understands my values and point of views on the world, who wants more or less the same thing out of life that I do (kids, career, house, general success), who has lots in common with me."
Except we Did have kids and if anything the laziness and video game playing increased. We were together 8 years...Before he left me for a girl who was rich, bought him a car, loves to clean up after him and watches our kids when he has them on the weekend and plays video games. (At least he's Her problem now!)
Please do not have kids with this man unless he completely changes who he is and stays that way for years. Because if you think it's bad when he calls you a bitch, wait until you hear the things we'll call you when he comes to pick up the kids. I truly hope your story ends differently.
Lovablesarah- just because your husband is an asshole like the OP's... doesn't mean that everyone has to be okay with shitty marriages to douchelord guys.
Ok, I haven't ready every response, but seriously? None of you have ever been called a bitch or some other nasty name? REALLY? I find that hard to believe. Is it disrespectful - yes. Is it marriage ending - no. Yes, I can honestly say that. Everyone should be able to say that about their marriage. Can you?
$16? Is it REALLY such a huge deal that he spent $16? It's not like we are talking about $600 for fucks sake. Honestly, I find it silly that you even asked him not to spend the $16. Is $16 really going to break you? It is going to put you out on the street? He should have waited like you asked, because you asked, but I don't find it earth shattering that he didn't. The amount is irrelevant. Sharing finances means deciding on what gets bought or paid for. Tuition bills win. If you're having discussions with your husband and then he's going back on them consistently, that's lying and disrespectful.
Dishes. This is not about you. He didn't feel like doing them. So what? You said he works hard and contributes to your finances... If doesn't feel like doing the dishes, give him a break. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and it doesn't mean he doesn't respect you. It means HE DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT. They can wait a day or two. If he said he'd do them, leave them until he does them. You nagging him about it is only going to make him put off doing them longer. A responsible person shouldn't need to be asked. The fact that she has to remind him is strike 1. The fact that he still doesn't do what he agreed to do after being asked is strike 2. Then strike 3 is throwing a hissy fit when being asked repeatedly.
I'm sorry. It sounds to me like you need to lossen up and get a grip. And stop taking everything he does or doesn't do as a direct reflection on how he feels about you. I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion and I'll probably get flamed. I think people are too quick to say "leave him". I think people need to remember that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes and we all deserve forgiveness.
I'm sorry, it sounds to me like you don't know what it's like to be in a healthy, respectful relationship. It also sounds like the relationships you've been in have led you to believe that men are going to be lazy and childish so you're not comfortable asking for more from them.
Ok, I haven't ready every response, but seriously? None of you have ever been called a bitch or some other nasty name? REALLY? I find that hard to believe. Is it disrespectful - yes. Is it marriage ending - no.
No, I have not been called a bitch or some other nasty name by my SO. Not ever in our relationship.
Lovablesarah, I have been called a bitch, by an ex-boyfriend. It was part of a disrespectful and unhealthy pattern.
I have never been called a bitch or any other similar name by my SO. It's not how we roll. Because we respect each other, even when we're having a disagreement.
$16 is really a big deal when your finances are tight and you don't have a margin for error. It's also a big deal that he doesn't respect his wife, their marriage, or their financial obligations enough to prioritize needs over wants and wait to spend the $16.
Ok, I haven't ready every response, but seriously? None of you have ever been called a bitch or some other nasty name? REALLY? I find that hard to believe. Is it disrespectful - yes. Is it marriage ending - no.
$16? Is it REALLY such a huge deal that he spent $16? It's not like we are talking about $600 for fucks sake. Honestly, I find it silly that you even asked him not to spend the $16. Is $16 really going to break you? It is going to put you out on the street? He should have waited like you asked, because you asked, but I don't find it earth shattering that he didn't.
Actually 16 can break some people if they are on a really tight budget, but I guess his desires should come before their needs.
Dishes. This is not about you. He didn't feel like doing them. So what? You said he works hard and contributes to your finances... If doesn't feel like doing the dishes, give him a break. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and it doesn't mean he doesn't respect you. It means HE DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT. They can wait a day or two. If he said he'd do them, leave them until he does them. You nagging him about it is only going to make him put off doing them longer.
thats right he shouldnt have to do anything he doesnt feel like. Who cares if it causes bugs and shit...he will do it maybe eventually. give the guy a break he works a job why should he have to do dishes...damn you are way too tough on him expecting him to wash a few dishes.
I'm sorry. It sounds to me like you need to lossen up and get a grip.
Lossen? WTF is that?
And stop taking everything he does or doesn't do as a direct reflection on how he feels about you. I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion and I'll probably get flamed. I think people are too quick to say "leave him". I think people need to remember that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes and we all deserve forgiveness.
Yes we all should just chill out and not expected to be respected by our spouses. WTH is wrong with you? We all should be douches to our spouses its our right!
My husband has NEVER called me a bitch, or any other name. And I'll straight up admit that if he ever did, I'd probably deserve the shit out of it, because I CAN be a total hosebeast. But we don't disrespect one another like that.
Post by jojoandleo on May 23, 2012 18:56:14 GMT -5
I can honestly say my H has NEVER called me a bitch, or any other nasty name. It's called respect. You don't call someone you love nasty names. If DH said he would do the dishes and didn't because he "didn't feel like it" I would be pissed. It's called respect. If you say you are going to do something you do it.
Overreactions provoked the opposite of their intended effect with me. Both DH & I get this way. Push me into doing things your way and I'll do exactly the opposite.
Don't demand he do or not do things like you're his mom.
I guess this is the point I was trying to get across with the dishes issue. You are not his mom and acting like it isn't healthy either. I don't demand my DH do things and I don't expect him to work on my timeline. If I have a timeline and he can't or won't work with it then I figure out how to get it done myself or I figure out how to let it go.
Just because I don't get all offended and pissed off at beging called a bitch doesn't make our marriage doomed to fail and it doesn't mean I don't have any self esteem. I just know that sometimes in the middle of a heated fight things get said that shouldn't. I've said things, he's said things. Part of marriage is forgiveness. We forgive each other for not communicating as well as we should and try to do it better next time. And you know what... Sometimes it's 100% the truth. I can be a bitch. I'm not afraid to have someone tell me.
I'm not saying that my marriage is perfect. It's not. We've got our share of issues. No question. Our communication could be better. But just because it's not perfect doesn't mean I'm going to leave him. I love him - he loves me. We figure out how to live with each other's imperfections and how to help each other improve on those imperfections.