Sibling rivalry forever!!

[Deleted]

I'm at my wits end here with DS (3). He's been jealous since DD was born, and I'm just at a loss. She's now almost 14 months, and he's STILL jealous. They rarely interact, even though they play in the same small-ish house. When they do, DS is generally knocking her over, squeezing her really hard (in a way he knows is rough, not accidental), pulling her hands off whatever she's holding so she falls, etc. 

I've tried everything - time-outs, separating him for a while, taking away his toys/TV time/treats, talking about it, empathizing, and yelling (in my less-stellar moments.) Nothing works. I'm so tired of having to be between them all day because I can't turn my back for a second without DD getting attacked. Am I raising a demon? WTH am I doing wrong?

Any suggestions would be great. I feel like I'm just screwing up their relationship for good, but I don't know what to do. I'm just so fed up with DS being aggressive, and it's not like him in any other part of his life. Just with DD.

[andrewsgal]

I agree. Praise the hell out of him. You are such a good big brother! Look how much your sister loves you!

[Deleted]

What they said...the only other thing would be maybe more one on one time with ds?

(I will disclose that referee was my main job for a while!!)

[Deleted]

I'll definitely try more praise. I try to get some one-on-one time when DD is sleeping, but it's also my only chance to do dishes, food prep etc., because DD is a high-needs baby. I could probably let more house stuff slide though, and spend more time with DS.

[aggiecyd]

We're going through this with DD, as she's the big sister. It takes a lot of energy because we have to watch them constantly.
What is working for her was a ton of empathy, reflecting & validating her feelings, letting her know it's ok to be mad (but she can't hit) and a LOT of extra attention. Even bringing up things like "do you wish your brother would go away?" gets her talking about how she feels.
DS is also a needy baby and has taken away time from DD. I've let a lot of stuff go just to spend the one with them that they need.
I've gone back to work, and she's having a hard time with it but my parents are watching kiddos until I can find a nanny. She's getting a lot of individual attention & she's been so much nicer to him. I also come to her room for extra snuggles & stories after I get DS down (before midnight now!).

[quesyrah]

Yup. We went through this too. Positive reinforcement and make sure to carve out quality time with just DS.

We're over the jealousy thing but we still occasionally get a sitter and surprise DS with a day just the 3 of us. Also DH and I will often taken just him for errands etc
ETA and when DD is old enough to cars/notice we'll do the same with her

[dizzycooks]

Thankfully I haven't had a lot of jealously issues (sorry, not helpful), but we do make sure dd1 knows her role is important and praise when she's being really helpful or nice to the baby. She also gets lots of daddy dates and big kid time. I make a big deal about how she's a big girl so she gets to _______, but dd2 is a baby so she can't. Probably not the best and certainly won't work forever, but dd2 is 1 and it's hardly something that's going to hurt her feelings at this point. Do you belong to a gym? Can you put dd in daycare and take ds to the lobby to play a game or to go swimming in the pool? Is there a small job related to his sister that he could do? Get her bib (because babies need those, but he needs a napkin ) and then he can see how excited she is that it's time to eat and he's helping her get ready.

[lattelady5]

Apr 6, 2015 18:15:26 GMT -5 @sing4mysavior said:

What they said...the only other thing would be maybe more one on one time with ds?

This. DD still has her moments but I try to do something special, out of the house, with just her at least once a week. DH does the same. It's usually just running errands or a walk or something simple but it seems meaningful to her.