Advice from those who decided to end it...

[maries1212]

I posted a couple of weeks ago on TIP - you can read that if you like...titled Confused...what to do? Basically I've been stuck in do I stay or go for about a year now. I've been so far down I've been done, and I've been to the point where I think I want to fix it. I've been in this gray area for way too long, and it's taking a toll on me. I can't do this anymore, but at the same time, I don't want to force a decision.

Very basic breakdown if you don't want to read my other post - DH's a good man, a good father, but I live in a passionless marriage. We're roommates. We have fun together when we're out with DD, but when it comes to date nights together we can hardly decide what to do because we don't like doing the same things, and during and at the end of our time together, there just isn't any intimacy there. We kiss good morning and good night and that's it. Nothing in between. And when we do kiss it's more mechanical than anything. It's like there's no meaning or feeling behind it.

More recently, I've found myself lost in hours and hours of back and fourth thought trying to make a decision. Here's my biggest questions that I'm hoping to get some insight on...

If you left, did you know to your core it was the right decision? I've heard people say before that when you're done, you're done and you know it. I can't say that. Have I really exhausted all of my resources with H and say that I've tried everything in my power to fix our marriage? No. But, at the same time, sometimes I don't have the motivation to do the hard work, and I struggle with that. We did counseling, but after 5-6 sessions never went back. We went on a weekend retreat, but after the weekend we didn't do the follow up sessions. It's like we're willing to try, but just a little bit. I think this goes for both DH and I, because neither of us have pushed it.

Also, could you picture yourself alone? I try to picture myself alone versus with DH, and I have a hard time with it. As much as I hate to admit it, I picture myself with someone else, but not alone. I try to separate my thoughts from this because I know it wouldn't be healthy for me to start dating someone right away if H and I divorced, I think I'd owe it to myself to be alone for a while. But when I try to picture myself alone I get freaked out.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so sick of being in this gray area. I want to be on one side or the other - either want to fix it, or want to be done. I'm constantly stuck in between and I can't take it anymore. I can tell it's taking a toll on me because I'm constantly stuck in thought. I can tell it's taking a toll on my self worth because I start to question and doubt myself so much. I know no one here can truly tell me what to do - but any advice helps. I feel like I'm reaching out, with sheer despiration because I just can't do this anymore. I want my brain back - ha.

[Deleted]

I did the same thing...I left a good guy.
I learned to tell people that being a good guy doesnt meake you a good husband.

We tried counseling as well, but nothing changed.
I decided to go alone and that really helped me with my choice.

It was very hard for me to leave but after a year of guilt and indecision I did it and never looked back. I had 3 kids, quit my job, and moved back closer to gamily about 2 hours from him. that was 11 years ago. I still have blips of guilt sometimes regarding my kids, but I am happy, remarried and X and I have a really good relationship.

I would suggest some solo counseling to help clear your fog.

[maries1212]

Aug 13, 2012 8:23:23 GMT -5 mags said:

I did the same thing...I left a good guy.
I learned to tell people that being a good guy doesnt meake you a good husband.

We tried counseling as well, but nothing changed.
I decided to go alone and that really helped me with my choice.

It was very hard for me to leave but after a year of guilt and indecision I did it and never looked back. I had 3 kids, quit my job, and moved back closer to gamily about 2 hours from him. that was 11 years ago. I still have blips of guilt sometimes regarding my kids, but I am happy, remarried and X and I have a really good relationship.

I would suggest some solo counseling to help clear your fog.

Thanks - I do individual counseling and have for about 6 months now. I like my therapist, and I know she can't make the decision for me, but I don't think it's helping me much to reach a decision either. I know if I do decide to leave she'll be a big help for me on a personal level in the aftermath.

Part of what I'm learning through all of this is that H is who he is - if I need someone that is going to show me more affection or outward love I'm not going to get that from him - he's being more cuddly lately, but I think that's because he can sense my distance, I think he's clinging on for dear life afraid that I might leave. And we're just so different. We don't even like the same things, we never really have but we both bended so much in the beginning, we're not really doing that anymore. Our only common ground is our DD.

I struggle a lot with the guilt of "Am I expecting too much out of a marriage - are my expectations too high - could a happy marriage really be better than this?"

[Deleted]

Well, I will answer the last part... YES it can be better than that! I've been remarried for almost 6 years and I am soooo much happier.
Actually being alone after I left I was so much happier!

[maries1212]

Aug 13, 2012 8:41:37 GMT -5 mags said:

Well, I will answer the last part... YES it can be better than that! I've been remarried for almost 6 years and I am soooo much happier.
Actually being alone after I left I was so much happier!

Thanks, you have no idea how much hearing this helps me. I struggle so much because I'm not living in this horrible abusive we argue everyday type relationship. If anything it's the opposite. It's mundane. We bicker but we don't really fight (I think some fighting is healthy, and we probably don't fight because we don't talk about the important stuff outside of DD), we don't communicate well, and we don't have a passion or affection for each other (at least I don't). We function, but I'm just not happy. Not that we don't have some days that are good, but even our good days aren't great, it's just going through the motions of life. I know that marriages aren't happy rainbows and puppies everyday, but some days should be like that, right? We never have those days.

I remember a couple of months ago we went away for the weekend and all I could think of was that I've have to give in and have sex because we were in a hotel room. I feel like I should want that and be excited for that, not think, oh well, I guess I should give in today because of this reason...like we have a hotel room, or it's his birthday, or it's been a couple/few weeks.

I'm in my early 30's - and I'm slowly realizing that I just can't live like this. But then, when I get to this point, I get so scared that I cling on and think maybe I should try harder to fix it. I think that's what scares me, walking away and thinking should I have tried harder, did I really give it everything I have? Because if I walked away I don't think I could say that, even though we've done counseling, etc.

[Deleted]

Yes, i felt all those things as well. And let me tell you people were shocked and couldnt understand how I could leave such a good guy. He didnt cheat, drink, gamble....etc...so why was I leaving? My family was very unsuppostive at first, but had no choice but to come around.

my whole thing happened around 9/11 and i just kept asking myself if my life ended today would i have been satisfiedand the answer was no everytime. Life it too short to be living in a fog.

[maries1212]

Aug 13, 2012 8:55:29 GMT -5 mags said:

Yes, i felt all those things as well. And let me tell you people were shocked and couldnt understand how I could leave such a good guy. He didnt cheat, drink, gamble....etc...so why was I leaving? My family was very unsuppostive at first, but had no choice but to come around.

my whole thing happened around 9/11 and i just kept asking myself if my life ended today would i have been satisfiedand the answer was no everytime. Life it too short to be living in a fog.

My mom and sister know what I'm going through and are 100% supportive of whatever I do - so that does help. I know there will be people who won't get it, but I can't worry about them and I know that.

I have that sense too of, 10 years from now if things were the same as they were today I wouldn't be satisfied. I feel like I need more out of life.

I guess I need to remind myself too that in a happy healthy marriage, these thoughs of 'what if's' and wondering what it would be like with someone else probably wouldn't even be in my head in the first place. That right there tells me something.

[Deleted]

Ok so you know all the answers and there will come a day that you get the courage to just say the words.
Once you say them to him a great weight will be lifted aff your chest.

[aliciar6]

Aug 13, 2012 9:33:41 GMT -5 mags said:

Ok so you know all the answers and there will come a day that you get the courage to just say the words.
Once you say them to him a great weight will be lifted aff your chest.

From all of our conversations, i think you know how you feel, and that with what you have tried, you aren't willing to go beyond 100%, which to me seems part answer in and of itself.

I think you can look in the mirror and say, I did what I COULD. It might not have been the 500% effort that some people give, but that takes 2 peoplel to want to give that much, and how much does your H want to give to work towards giving you what you need to make this a marriage you want to stay in for the rest of your life?

I think you're going through the phase where you're scared to pull the plug and have no more safety net because what comes next is all up in the air and there are no guarantees. And that's not unreasonable at all to have those fears.

you mentioned your daughter in a previous post, is that all that is keeping you in the marriage? what else is REALLY keeping you there?

you can go back and forth for years, and waste those years, when you could have been working on yourself and eventually finding new love..because as Mags said, a marriage can be passion filled and fun and exciting and not mundane where you are hiding from him hoping he doesn't ask for sex again.

If he did everything you needed, would that be enough? would you be able to happily and joyfully meet his needs as well and not cringe at the thought of sex?

[stephbfan]

I was in a similar situation.
My ex is not a bad guy and he is a great father. He was just not good as a partner.

I was pregnant and soo scared but I decided that I wanted someone different. Someone who was more affectionate, more supportive and those were things that he could not provide. You need to be in love of the person he IS not the person you want him to be.

It will be 4 years next week and I'm happy with my decision. We co-parent so great, we talk to each other, we laugh but at the end of the day I'm better off the way I am.

I'm not going to give you the fairy tale ending and tell you, hey, I am now married to this great guy... because that has not been my experience but I can tell you for sure that I am happier alone than in a relationship that was just not right.

Being in limbo is far more difficult that what comes next. You WILL feel guilty at some point but with the time, you will realize how strong you are for searching what you want and not settle for any less.

[mysterons]

It does sound like you know what you need to do. To answer your question, I can't say that I did everything in my power to hold my marriage together. But I don't have any regrets. Our marriage was a lot like yours - living as friends. It's cliche, but life is short and you deserve happiness. You can absolutely live alone (although it's hard to picture when you've been with someone for a long time) and in time you will meet the right person. Keep working through your feelings. Best of luck.

[jade28]

I don't think you can ever "know." I know I didn't. I always went back and forth and never felt confident with my decision. There was always doubt and still is just because we can never know what path will lead us to the best life.

I think all we can do is make the best decisions on how we feel right now and what we can live with right now.

There are no right or wrong decisions, just decisions.

There were moments I realized without a doubt this isn't what I wanted for my life and that the marriage was just making me a worse and worse person so I made a decision based on those facts. I think I always "knew" how I felt and thus what I should do, but I wasn't ready to listen to myself. When I was ready, I did what I had to do but life led me to it. No amount of sitting and thinking could make me feel better about the decision or lead to knowing the outcome. I just had to live it out.

I guess looking back the big moment was when we were in couples counseling and the counselor mentioned how "All you have is in this room. There is nothing else out there." She was referring to how there was nothing better outside of us and that we had each
other and that was all we needed.

But as I sat there, all I heard was that I had nothing in that room. There was nothing. I ended it a few days later.

[udscoobychick]

I will say that I think it's important to think about NOT "will I be happier with someone else?" but "will I be happier by myself?" Leaving your H is a big decision to make based on a figment of your imagination--some Mr. Right out there waiting to make a life with you. The reality is that you may meet someone who makes your happier or you may not. You may meet him tomorrow, or you may meet him 20 years down the road. You are not guaranteed that there is someone better or a better relationship waiting for you.

I'm not telling you to stay in a crappy relationship where you're not happy, but you're doing yourself a disservice imagining a perfect relationship with someone else rather than focusing on whether you would be happier by yourself, which is going to be your reality, at least for a little while, should you and your H separate/divorce.

[maries1212]

Aug 13, 2012 12:58:17 GMT -5 udscoobychick said:

I will say that I think it's important to think about NOT "will I be happier with someone else?" but "will I be happier by myself?" Leaving your H is a big decision to make based on a figment of your imagination--some Mr. Right out there waiting to make a life with you. The reality is that you may meet someone who makes your happier or you may not. You may meet him tomorrow, or you may meet him 20 years down the road. You are not guaranteed that there is someone better or a better relationship waiting for you.

I'm not telling you to stay in a crappy relationship where you're not happy, but you're doing yourself a disservice imagining a perfect relationship with someone else rather than focusing on whether you would be happier by yourself, which is going to be your reality, at least for a little while, should you and your H separate/divorce.

I agree - and even though it's something I'm having a hard time doing, I know I need to. I do picture myself living alone with DD, and I can get the mental image in my head. I guess like PP said, it's hard to imagine until you actually live it.

[jojoandleo]

Aug 13, 2012 12:58:17 GMT -5 udscoobychick said:

I will say that I think it's important to think about NOT "will I be happier with someone else?" but "will I be happier by myself?" Leaving your H is a big decision to make based on a figment of your imagination--some Mr. Right out there waiting to make a life with you. The reality is that you may meet someone who makes your happier or you may not. You may meet him tomorrow, or you may meet him 20 years down the road. You are not guaranteed that there is someone better or a better relationship waiting for you.

I'm not telling you to stay in a crappy relationship where you're not happy, but you're doing yourself a disservice imagining a perfect relationship with someone else rather than focusing on whether you would be happier by yourself, which is going to be your reality, at least for a little while, should you and your H separate/divorce.

I think there can be some merit to asking if you would be happier with someone else. I think it can show you whether or not you are expecting too much out of a relationship. Like, if no person could meet your expectations it may help you realize it's not the relationship, but you. But, I agree you should not leave a relationship expecting someone better to come along. That will just lead you to disappointment.

[maries1212]

Aug 13, 2012 13:55:53 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Aug 13, 2012 12:58:17 GMT -5 udscoobychick said:

I will say that I think it's important to think about NOT "will I be happier with someone else?" but "will I be happier by myself?" Leaving your H is a big decision to make based on a figment of your imagination--some Mr. Right out there waiting to make a life with you. The reality is that you may meet someone who makes your happier or you may not. You may meet him tomorrow, or you may meet him 20 years down the road. You are not guaranteed that there is someone better or a better relationship waiting for you.

I'm not telling you to stay in a crappy relationship where you're not happy, but you're doing yourself a disservice imagining a perfect relationship with someone else rather than focusing on whether you would be happier by yourself, which is going to be your reality, at least for a little while, should you and your H separate/divorce.

I think there can be some merit to asking if you would be happier with someone else. I think it can show you whether or not you are expecting too much out of a relationship. Like, if no person could meet your expectations it may help you realize it's not the relationship, but you. But, I agree you should not leave a relationship expecting someone better to come along. That will just lead you to disappointment.

Of course in my back and fourth thinking I do sometimes wonder if I'm expecting too much, but then in all reality the things that I am missing are valid, and I think that a happy/healthy marriage would have some of the pieces I'm missing, and some of the things I imagine with someone else. Like just an overall sense of affection, and not living like roommates.

I understand the idea of not leaving a relationship expecting someone better to come along, but in all reality, doesn't everyone want that and look for that in the end? In my case, because there isn't abuse or any heavy sins or anything, if I didn't think I could be happier with someone else, I might as well stay - part of the reason I want to leave is because I'm not happy in the relationship I'm in.

[explorer2001]

I didn't know I was done and did everything I could until.the day my exH tried to.kill me. Noone should go through that. You know the answer. You aren't happy. Things aren't getting better. You deserve to be happy.