So Dude and I Finally Talked

[Deleted]

I did it! We finally have a firm set of ground rules and I feel really comfortable where we stand.

We agreed we wouldn't be physical with anyone else (including kissing) and that we're both not actively looking for anyone else. But because we aren't super serious if someone else came along, we'd break things off with each other.

We agreed we wanted to hang out once or twice during the week and once or so on the weekends. We aren't "partners" so we don't need to check-in each day, etc. But we should both be relaxed knowing the other isn't out on a date, etc. We do still both identify as single though.

He came out with my girlfriend and I on Friday as was super nice and charming. Then he came over for dinner last night (both hang outs initiated by him). I think we still have trouble initiating sex without a little liquid courage, so there is a chance the whole intimacy thing could fizzle, but I'm going to try to make a more aggressive move next time and see how it goes.

[udscoobychick]

I'm so glad you talked about it and came to a good understanding of where you stand!

[dakotadangerdog]

Sometimes when I want to have sex but I am awkward about initiating I just ask if dude wants to bone lol. I feel like if I ask rather than make a move, and I get turned down, it's less hurtful to my little ego. And that's the only reason I fear making a move. Rejection. Hurting my little ego.

[blackkitty]

Sounds like a lot of rules

[jm5855]

Aug 13, 2012 11:53:12 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Sounds like a lot of rules

Yes, this!!!

I am a bit confused on the "we can both relax knowing the other isn't out dating". I am reading this as I do not want to be in a serious relationship with you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either. Strange.

[jade28]

Congrats on communicating and talking about it! :Y:

But I don't know this sounds eerily similar to an agreement I had with someone and it really bombed. Basically, it meant to him that there was no long-term potential but since he still wanted company, I was a nice option to hold onto until he met someone better.

I was basically a placeholder. It sure sucked when he met someone he did want to be in a relationship with.

My opinion now is if you like someone and you aren't dating anyone else, just go for the bf/gf relationship to make it easier on yourself. The gray zone and random rules usually can only last so long before it blows up in your face. I mean basically you guys are in a relationship, but you just have left the door open for someone to leave without being the "bad guy." But eh.

[Deleted]

Ehh every dating set up isn't going to be something that's for everyone. This works for me. I don't necessarily see long term potential for us, but I enjoy casually hanging out with him at the moment and this allows us to be comfortable with that. To each his own.

I don't care to have "boyfriend" and I like being single. But I like knowing casually there is someone there to hang out with and being physical with them is safe.

[marigoldgirl]

I am glad you are happy with where things are for you. Communication helps everything.

[Deleted]

Aug 13, 2012 14:29:50 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

I think you should do whatever you are comfortable with.

But, I find it weird. You want to be "single"...but not really. Because you're not allowed to date other people.

Yea it's totally weird, I'm not going to disagree with you.

[leahmel]

You want to be exclusive, but not boyfriend and girlfriend? Why not just be boyfriend and girlfriend with a very chill "relationship". I feel like asking for exclusiveness (sp?) yet not calling him your BF, or at least saying you're dating one another, is confusing to all parties involved.
What would you say if a guy asks you on a date or vise-versa? "I can't because I have this situation with this dude, who is not my boyfriend. I am single though, but we can't date."

[doriswe]

Aug 13, 2012 21:31:10 GMT -5 leahmel said:

You want to be exclusive, but not boyfriend and girlfriend? Why not just be boyfriend and girlfriend with a very chill "relationship". I feel like asking for exclusiveness (sp?) yet not calling him your BF, or at least saying you're dating one another, is confusing to all parties involved.
What would you say if a guy asks you on a date or vise-versa? "I can't becuase I have this situation with this dude, who is not my boyfriend. I am single though, but we can't date."

lol...I feel like we're heading back down the "non-benefits" road again!!

[leahmel]

Aug 13, 2012 21:34:12 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Aug 13, 2012 21:31:10 GMT -5 leahmel said:

You want to be exclusive, but not boyfriend and girlfriend? Why not just be boyfriend and girlfriend with a very chill "relationship". I feel like asking for exclusiveness (sp?) yet not calling him your BF, or at least saying you're dating one another, is confusing to all parties involved.
What would you say if a guy asks you on a date or vise-versa? "I can't becuase I have this situation with this dude, who is not my boyfriend. I am single though, but we can't date."

lol...I feel like we're heading back down the "non-benefits" road again!!

LOL- Exactly. Why not just call it what it is? Seems like more confusion will just arise later. You're not marrying the dude, so you can still end it either way if things don't work out.

[Deleted]

Hahaha it is a little non benefity. Here's the the thing. I equate more of an emotional interaction with someone being your boyfriend/girlfriend. For instance this morning I locked my keys out of my car, I didn't call him. If I'm having a bad day at work, I wouldn't ask for his support. I wouldn't introduce him to my family, etc. I don't want to be tied to anyone. I don't want to feel like I need to check in or stuff like that. I equate much more of a commitment to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. This isn't about it not working out.

And I do refer to him as someone I'm "dating" just not my boyfriend. So if someone asked me out I would say "I'm dating someone else right now."

[leahmel]

Gotcha, I guess I just don't see why you wouldn't want emotional support if you don't plan on seeing anyone else. That's a whole other story completely, I'm sure. lol

[Deleted]

Aug 14, 2012 13:06:11 GMT -5 leahmel said:

Gotcha, I guess I just don't see why you wouldn't want emotional support if you don't plan on seeing anyone else. That's a whole other story completely, I'm sure. lol

Hahaha yea pretty much. I would rather rely on my friends for that. I like to keep any dating relationships fun, light and casual.

[Bernadine]

I think I'm at the same point with T. I'm not interested in seeing anyone else, but I like that we're seeing each other very casually. This sounds like a good set up to me, lol.

ETA- I'm not sure I'd identify myself as single. Also, T and I have not discussed any of this.

[5kg8rgirl]

Aug 14, 2012 13:09:18 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Aug 14, 2012 13:06:11 GMT -5 leahmel said:

Gotcha, I guess I just don't see why you wouldn't want emotional support if you don't plan on seeing anyone else. That's a whole other story completely, I'm sure. lol

Hahaha yea pretty much. I would rather rely on my friends for that. I like to keep any dating relationships fun, light and casual.

Hey Pdx, I am mostly just a newbie, lurker. I have been following your story, becuase actually, I am/was in the EXACT same situation as you and your new guy. Except, I am the one recently separated/going through divorce. After my ex moved out, I found a dude I was and am total smitten with. He is handsome and amazing. But, we moved too fast and the emotional pressure was too much for me right now. I totally wigged on him. I think setting some parameters, but keeping things light and fun are totally in order. I think if we had done that we would probably have been more successful. My only advice is the only "rule" I would set up is knowing that there is no physical interaction with anyone else in case he only feels like hanging out once or so during the week. We were seeing eachother 3-4x per week and it was too much for me personally. (Not saying this will be the case for your guy).

[Deleted]

Aug 14, 2012 13:40:40 GMT -5 5kg8rgirl said:

Aug 14, 2012 13:09:18 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Hahaha yea pretty much. I would rather rely on my friends for that. I like to keep any dating relationships fun, light and casual.

Hey Pdx, I am mostly just a newbie, lurker. I have been following your story, becuase actually, I am/was in the EXACT same situation as you and your new guy. Except, I am the one recently separated/going through divorce. After my ex moved out, I found a dude I was and am total smitten with. He is handsome and amazing. But, we moved too fast and the emotional pressure was too much for me right now. I totally wigged on him. I think setting some parameters, but keeping things light and fun are totally in order. I think if we had done that we would probably have been more successful. My only advice is the only "rule" I would set up is knowing that there is no physical interaction with anyone else in case he only feels like hanging out once or so during the week. We were seeing eachother 3-4x per week and it was too much for me personally. (Not saying this will be the case for your guy).

Thanks! And welcome to the board. Yea really the only "rule" we actually follow is the physically exclusive part. We discussed how often we'd like to see each other and that ends up being about 3 times a week, but it's definitely not set in stone. There are some weeks I may only see him once or not at all. I think 3-4 times a week every week would be too much for me too!