Let's talk about my MIL. Long.

[sparkythelawyer]

You can feel compassion for someone and still refuse to see them.

[sweetday]

Where she and your H close before the wedding craziness?

[rosiebear]

Even people who do vile things can also do nice & thoughtful things. It's ok to appreciate the nice things and wish there were more while still recognizing she's not someone with whom it is worth having a relationship.

[shopgirl07]

Some people who weren't good parents are awesome grandparents. I don't know the whole backstory obviously, but maybe she could have a relationship with your child? Unless she was abusive of course.

[sweetday]

Apr 21, 2015 18:56:02 GMT -5 Que? said:

Apr 21, 2015 18:50:59 GMT -5 sweetday said:

Where she and your H close before the wedding craziness?

No. She doesn't have a relationship with any of her children. My SIL hasn't spoken to her in twenty years, they didn't speak at our wedding. My BIL moved in with us when he was 17 (H was 27) and he lived with us until he was 21. He's been living out of the country for almost 15 years and doesn't see them either.

Damn.

[eb777888]

I understand. These things are so hard. I get it.

[CurlyQ284]

My FIL was a horrible parent but he is a good grandparent. DS loves him and whenever he visits, DS is all about "grumpa". My dad was also horrible and while he isn't a great grandparent, he's better than he was as a dad. Maybe they reflect on how they were and realize their mistakes later on? Maybe it's because they don't have to raise these kids, they just get to do the fun stuff?

[underwaterrhymes]

It's hard when you see someone behaving incongruously. My stepmom can be a raging hosebeast when it comes to interacting with other humans, but she's an incredibly thoughtful gift-giver and is pretty great with my sister's and my kids in many ways (and not so great in others.)

I don't think it's a bad thing to feel compassion for her. It just shows you have a big heart. Especially when someone is so tied into people we love, the shades of gray tend to emerge where they might not with someone else.

XO

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Is she mentally ill? And like, maybe some treatment is now working? I'm so confused as to how a person could change their tune SO DRASTICALLY

[marina007]

Is there any way she can have a relationship with your kid(s) via your DH without you guys having to interact? I don't know the backstory here, but I know that my parents are heartbroken that they have been cut out of my brother's life and don't get to see their two granddaughters bc of a conflict between my mom and SIL. I am so sad for them too.

I think there is value in grandparents and grandkids having contact and a relationship bc it can bring both parties a lot of joy.

Obviously, I once again don't know the backstory and don't know if this is doable on tour situation.

[CurlyQ284]

Apr 21, 2015 19:02:12 GMT -5 Que? said:

Apr 21, 2015 18:58:59 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

My FIL was a horrible parent but he is a good grandparent. DS loves him and whenever he visits, DS is all about "grumpa". My dad was also horrible and while he isn't a great grandparent, he's better than he was as a dad. Maybe they reflect on how they were and realize their mistakes later on? Maybe it's because they don't have to raise these kids, they just get to do the fun stuff?

Thanks for this. I think about all of these things. Like, my SIL and I haven't always seen eye to eye, but we both love each other's kids and work at those relationships. It works and it could work with my in laws but they're wild cards. Makes me nervous.

In our case they are long distance so we see them for short periods of time and DH usually ends up fuming by day 3 or so. leaving the kids alone with them doesn't come up but if it did, there's no way. I get the wild card thing. I'm glad DS has fun but there's no way I'll risk it without one of us there. I get the wild card thing.

Are you ok with the way things are going now? It seems like she gets a relationship with MIL but you don't have to deal with her and your H can stop visiting if things take a turn.

[eb777888]

Apr 21, 2015 19:21:24 GMT -5 @booby said:

oh man. i hope i didn't kill the thread with my awesome haiku!

I chuckled.

[cville]

I'm sure it's difficult to know that someone capable of such evil towards everyone COULD be capable of sweetness.

I see this as about her as much as it's about your husband and daughter, but I'm hard hearted.

[underwaterrhymes]

Man, that's hard. I'm so sorry for the experiences your H and his siblings had growing up.

IDK, I think sometimes parents really do learn and regret and are infinitely better grandparents than they were parents. Other times I think it's a show and designed secretively to be hurtful.

The key is to pull the rug when you sense there is manipulation taking place or they're reverting to old ways. Or, if it's too emotional to have any sort of relationship at all.

[Deleted]

I think it's perfectly ok to see the horror your MIL is as a mother while also acknowledging her strengths as a grandparent. People are multifaceted, even the shit ones.

[aussiecrush]

In a way I envy your situation, which sounds really weird considering how difficult it must be. My in laws can't even put aside their hatred and anger to try to be grandparents. You've made the best of this and because she's able to be kind to G, you've given them an incredible gift. I think you have a very big heart but you don't have to open it back up either.

[Deleted]

Honestly, I think a large part of her behavior is bc she's running her own personal IM SO GREAT campaign. Probably how she continues to not acknowledge her fuck ups with her children and a secretive way of "proving" them wrong.

But hey, her intent doesn't actually matter as long as G is happy and you and your H are on the same page.

[HiC]

Apr 21, 2015 19:34:58 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker said:

I think it's perfectly ok to see the horror your MIL is as a mother while also acknowledging her strengths as a grandparent. People are multifaceted, even the shit ones.

I love this.

[FloFTW]

My in-laws have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and are abusive a-holes that have almost ruined so many lives. I could be extreeeemely wordy about them, but long story short...we have no contact, including my kids. Some shit that went down surrounding my kids was what broke the camel's back and I don't know if we will ever reach a point where we could foster a relationship with them.

However, even worse than, you know, my husband not having parents, is the fact that my husband has no connection to his childhood to show my kids. I know that really makes him sad. So he'll yeah...if we had access to that in a non-threatening way, I'd take it.

[CurlyQ284]

Oh wow, I didn't know the backstory. That is awful. I understand being conflicted in your shoes ((hugs))

[VeryViolet]

I didn't know all of the backstory with your ILs. I think that it is okay to understand that she is a bad person while still feeling compassion for her as your husband's mother. It doesn't erase the awful things she has said and done by recognizing that at moments she was decent or loved. It seems like you are handling it really well by limiting your contact and keeping it very limited between her and G. Also, just because you feel something possibly positive towards her doesn't mean you need to start a relationship.

Also, as someone else mentioned even if she is doing this for completely self serving purposes who cares G likes it, your husband seems comfortable with the limited contact, and you get to enjoy his childhood without hearing boring, repetitive stories from her.

Hugs dysfunctional family shit is so hard.

[lime]

Apr 21, 2015 19:37:29 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker said:

Honestly, I think a large part of her behavior is bc she's running her own personal IM SO GREAT campaign. 

This is where I'm at. Her behavior, although nice on the surface, is still manipulative. She just hasn't tipped her hand yet. 

Entirely possible I'm reading into this based on my shitty family. 

I'd still be guarded if I were you. Sorry you are dealing with this. 

[Deleted]

Your MIL is like my mom. She was a horrible mother and has said some super shitty things, done horrible things to me and threatened me over
some petty issues. Thankfully she lives 6 hours away. I have had all of my therapists thru the years read thru the horrible, crazy emails she sends and they seem to agree that she has undiagnosed and raging BPD. She is an excellent grandmother though and I let her be a grandmother and that is it. Our relationship is very controlled and we have a 72 hour rule on visits with her. I am like @booby and secretly hope she dies before DS can figure out how horribly crazy she is. Because she has threatened me she is not allowed to pick up DS from school. It specifically states in my will that she is not to care for him if I and DH pass. He is to go to another relative who is completely aware of her issues. She knows none of this and probably never will but I want to make sure, even in death, DS Will not be exposed full time to her crazy. So, I feel your pain and I think you keep the relationship "in a box". Limit the exposure to her, control the exposure to her and let her be grandma in a very limited and controlled way.

[lg28]

My parents (specifically, my mother) were mediocre parents. My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive. She was not a good parent. My dad wasn't like that, but he didn't stop my mother.

They are very good grandparents, and we do have a good relationship with them now. I see a therapist (weekly) and I have come to accept that as sucky as they were, my kid loves them and I want to allow that to continue, with boundaries.

My moms parents were alcoholics so I truly believe she didn't know what normal parenting was, so perhaps that makes it easier to forgive. Does your MIL have any history that might explain her previous behaviour?

Anyway, I do understand. And I dont necessarily think she's doing it to be al about her. It sounds like she just really loves her grandchild.

[fuckyourcouch]

Apr 21, 2015 19:05:46 GMT -5 @booby said:

obv, i relate to this 100%. i've sustained a lot of flaming around here b/c of the fact that i facilitate a relationship b/w my kid and my ILs, given the history i have with my ILs.

i figure it's like this: G gets a lot out of knowing his g-parents, and even more out of it b/c they clearly adore him. they are shitty-ass parents, but decent grandparents. and i just hope they die before G realizes the truth. sorry, definitely harsh, but that's where i am. lol

I agree that the second thought seems harsh, but it's so true. 
I was so close with my mom's parents until I was old enough to understand and see not only the horrific shit they did to my mom as a kid, but the bullshit they pulled on her even as an adult. I truly wish I hadn't known them when I was able to understand it, because between that and their changing behavior towards me, in the end the relationship was severed completely. 

Que, I'm so sorry. I truly get it, your MIL sounds exactly like mine (except no kids, and my ILs were not even invited to our wedding because we knew they would pull shit). Yet, she adds me on Facebook from time to time and tries to message my h about how great his life seems (obviously from creeping through a cousin or something, he has her blocked).  It's so contrasted with the behavior he grew up with and the horrible way she always treated me that it's hard to process. Deep down I know she's still a snatch though, lol. 

[sapphireblue]

I don't have any insight to add regarding their recent behavior. I certainly agree that people are very complex and so far it sounds like it's good for G.

I really came in to say that it is great that your BIL had you two there and it's a wonderful thing you did for him.

[franklin]

Apr 21, 2015 20:21:47 GMT -5 @booby said:

Apr 21, 2015 19:37:29 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker said:

Honestly, I think a large part of her behavior is bc she's running her own personal IM SO GREAT campaign. Probably how she continues to not acknowledge her fuck ups with her children and a secretive way of "proving" them wrong.

But hey, her intent doesn't actually matter as long as G is happy and you and your H are on the same page.

huh.  good point.  this makes sense in my (well, H's) situation as well.  

I was going to say that maybe she realized where she "failed" as a mother and wanted to "right the wrong", but that is probably too overly optimistic and what betty said is probably very true. I have a few relationships with this strange dynamic and it's really hard to navigate and can be a huge mind fuck. If you figure out a way to navigate the relationship, let me know and I will be forever grateful.

[cville]

Apr 21, 2015 20:56:30 GMT -5 Que? said:

Apr 21, 2015 20:21:47 GMT -5 @booby said:

huh.  good point.  this makes sense in my (well, H's) situation as well.  

So much of what she does is self aggrandizing bullshit. I know that, and my H knows it too. She's probably telling anyone who will listen about the connection she has to my child and how her son finally saw the light and reconciled with them. RAGE.

Oh yeah, on a lesser level my BSC aunt (who I just realized unfriended me on FB) bought hundreds upon hundreds of dollars' worth of clothes for O when he was born.  Like, insanely over the top.  By that point in her fucked up relationship with her entire extended family I was the ONLY person to whom she was still speaking.  She then followed it up with OOT Easter baskets, birthday gifts, etc., for about a year, alllllll posted all over FB about her AWESOME AUNT skillz and alllllllll accompanied by emails to me like the nanosecond after tracking alerted her to their arrival about "did you get it?  I hadn't heard.  le sigh."

Back when L was born when she was still speaking to everyone?  She sent nothing.

NO ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND WHEN HER GIFTS ANNOYED ME.  Except my mother, her sister, who was like "oh lord, not that bullshit."

[olegregg]

I'm sorry you're in that situation, it sounds incredibly tough. My grandmother, who was manipulative and pretty terrible to her kids, did dote on me when I was a little kid. Like others said, the grandparent relationship can be so different. I know now what the truth about her is, but I don't think I can fault my parents for letting her forge a close relationship with me. Hugs, Que.

[nursewife]

I'm with a lot of the others on this one. Even the worst of people can do/act wonderfully at times. It sucks when something like that happens and makes you second guess though. It's hard. ((Hugs))