Long rambly MOOK vent

[holly116]

Hugs, friend. You are not a monster, this parenting thing is so hard. My oldest son is a handful, I like to think that those curls make him extra cute for a reason, it's a survival mechanism. He's only three but I'm finding more days lately where I feel like I'm just not pulling this mom thing off and it sucks. My instincts just aren't working, DH and I are downloading parenting books left and right trying to find something that will click.

Do you think if I met you at the zoo we could just let them run and we could enjoy a spiked coffee? No? Probably not, huh. In the meantime, all the virtual hugs and know that we are all part of your village.

[Willis Jackson]

Apr 23, 2015 6:06:15 GMT -5 @lcap said:

I'm sorry. I'm right there with you. Yesterday I had to chase DS1 around the house in order to first catch him and then frogmarch him into school, lol. It's kind of funny now but at the time I was seriously pissed. Little does he know that his father will be putting him on the bus today. He was also a fussy baby and SUPER rambunctious toddler so I often wonder if there is some connection there. Is he going to be challenging his entire life? When will he learn to control himself??

Like your son, he can be SO good when he wants to be so it's doubly frustrating when he turns mulish and defiant. Sigh. Hugs to you.

I think about this too. My oldest brother was like this and didn't get his act together until he was almost 30. He's totally fine now but he put my parents through the ringer.

[dulcemariamar]

holly116 I totally get looking for a perfect solution to "fix" the issues. I am always reading up on it. I try to tell myself to stay consistent and that eventually with time things will get better. It is kind of like when I went crazy when my DD was a baby over her sleeping issues. It eventually improved so I hope her behavior will too but now it is more like waiting years to hopefully seeing results.

But then I just had a morning of fighting, bitting, and
hitting and I think that maybe I am doing something wrong.

[oliviapope]

Apr 23, 2015 6:06:15 GMT -5 @lcap said:

He was also a fussy baby and SUPER rambunctious toddler so I often wonder if there is some connection there. Is he going to be challenging his entire life? When will he learn to control himself??.

This is the research that my current project is focusing on right now. They are seeing connections between behavior and infant movement. There does appear to be a strong connection with self regulation. Hopefully once this project is wrapped they will produce a parent support website.

My oldest is six and has a lot of behavior issues you are describing (well he used to). We have been doing OT for sensory issues (plus after school karate) for a year and it has made a huge huge difference. Same for us-his teachers always said he was great-making me feel like a failure or crazy!

Long story short-we have found something that works for us and it is really fun to be his mom now

[asoctoberfalls]

I get it! My difficult kid is nearly 4, so not quite as old, but he has never had an easy phase. I mean, everyone says it's normal for kids to have difficult phases, but what about kids who are difficult all the time?

Mine is equally difficult for everyone. The only people who say he's good are the ones who give him whatever he wants. If you even think about denying him what he wants, watch out!

Hugs. It sucks.

[hopecounts]

Have you considered taking him to a therapist?
They could be a great resource for helping you help him and helping him handle his emotions more appropriately.
Not saying he has anything wrong (he just sounds like a strong willed kid) just that sometimes having a little help and support can be a good thing.
Plus it may alleviate some of your guilt if a professional is agreeing with your plan.

[bunch]

Apr 22, 2015 19:44:33 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

Apr 22, 2015 18:46:12 GMT -5 Pilsy said:

I'm sorry. That sounds freaking sucky.


You know what I think would add to my misery in that case? Hearing other people praise his behavior. Are any of these people for whom he behaves aware that he's a jerk for you?

YES! I hate it. My parents came to visit in October and it was so nice to hear my mom mention that she noticed how awful he was with me, but he was generally a sweet kid. She said it in a "try not to kill him because he does have some redeeming qualities" way. lol.

I should mention that he is just as awful for DH. We basically tag each other out all evening so we don't lose our tempers.

I admit that I find it a relief when dd1 starts acting crazy when I'm picking her up from preschool.  Her teacher's eyes go all wide and her mouth falls open.   I have to stop myself from saying something like, "Just wait until you see her on the ride home, when she throws a cup at my head and screams for 15 minutes straight because I dared to turn left instead of right!"   A friend with a similar first born actually did take her out of preschool because she couldn't handle it when she got home.  They're gearing up for K and are dreading it.  Homeschooling is on the table.

I'm really sorry that you're having a hard time.  I definitely don't think you're a monster and I totally understand.   For whatever it's worth, I spent a good part of recent therapy stint discussing parenting tactics and my therapist assured me that some kids were just much more difficult and that I would have to try really hard to ruin her.   Maybe 7 will be great?

[mainelyfoolish]

Coming in to join the party. My six year old (nearly seven) is very challenging. I dread school breaks (we're on spring break right now). We started seeing a therapist our pediatrician referred us to a couple of months ago but yesterday she told us she's breaking up with us to refer us to someone who has a different kind of training (my DD has behavior issues and is an extreme picky eater). It's hard. You're not alone.

[oliviapope]

Apr 23, 2015 7:57:22 GMT -5 @lcap said:

Apr 23, 2015 7:29:43 GMT -5 oliviapope said:

This is the research that my current project is focusing on right now. They are seeing connections between behavior and infant movement. There does appear to be a strong connection with self regulation. Hopefully once this project is wrapped they will produce a parent support website.

What do you think is the connection there? The thing with our situation is, we know he can be good for other people. He's apparently a little angel at school and on play dates and he's also very good at his grandparents. It's just at home that he throws tantrums. So we know that he *can* control himself, if he wants to. He just doesn't always want to. Or maybe he gets tired of trying? IDK.

We are seeing a lot of things connected to how strong the reflexes are of an infant. For example, the startle reflex-it is connected to babies (and older children) with poor self regulation. This reflex usually integrates about 3-4 months which is often when colic issues subside.

It is also connected to safety and hypersensitivity to loud noises/anything that might “startle” someone. So basically children that have an active reflex as they get older have trouble going to sleep, staying asleep, trying new things, and of course impulse control. What happens is that when there is a time where the child feels “threatened” (this can be from a loud room, excitement, or something seemingly unthreatenting to you and me) then their body goes into protection. Fight or flight kicks in, and basically you end up fighting with your child or they run away (again poor self regulation).

When we work to teach the body and work the body through the movements of the reflex we calm the mind and then you have less and less incidence of that happening.  We are studying each reflex and how it does/does not affect behavior.  There are a lot of other studies on this.  A large percentage of autistic children have an active ATNR reflex. 

Short version is that we are connecting movement to behavior. It isn’t an old wives tale to say “they need to play outside”. It truly helps calm the mind. 

[Willis Jackson]

Apr 23, 2015 7:33:39 GMT -5 @lcap said:

Apr 23, 2015 7:07:44 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

I think about this too. My oldest brother was like this and didn't get his act together until he was almost 30. He's totally fine now but he put my parents through the ringer.

Random question: Is right now around your son's half birthday? This has been going on for long enough for us that I've finally noticed a pattern, which is that he tends to have these awful tantrums around this time of year (starting around the end of February and ending in May). And then gradually they will peter out and he will be a little angel over the course of the summer, fall, and first part of the winter. @tokenhoser once mentioned it on here so I looked it up online and it turns out that it's a real thing that some kids go through, something called disequilibrium. It's part of how they start to pull away from you emotionally in order to become more independent. 

Anyway, just know that you're not a monster and you're not alone. 

It isn't. His birthday was in February. He did fall apart in August (his half birthday) but that's also when he started kindergarten and DS2 was born, so it's understandable.

[Willis Jackson]

Apr 23, 2015 7:57:26 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Have you considered taking him to a therapist?
They could be a great resource for helping you help him and helping him handle his emotions more appropriately.
Not saying he has anything wrong (he just sounds like a strong willed kid) just that sometimes having a little help and support can be a good thing.
Plus it may alleviate some of your guilt if a professional is agreeing with your plan.

You know, I've never really thought of this, which is weird because personally I'm allllll about therapy. I'll have to see if my therapist sees kids or can refer us.

[meij]

Yep. This has been the hardest year parenting my 5.5 year old. She was a really easy and agreeable toddler and now...it's a lot of active work.

[elocrates]

Just coming in to give a solidarity fist bump.

6yo was tough, man. So tough. 1st grade and 7yo has been so much better for DS1. He still tries to push people's buttons and can be a pain in the ass when he chooses, but now he is easily redirectable, 'gets' sarcasm (which both chills him out and is some much needed comic relief for me), and is truly enjoyable to be around. He's also more reliably independent, so he can go out to the back yard to play on his own, etc. Going to bed early (sometimes before 7pm) is still key to him not completely losing his shit by the end of the school week.

I hope the same is true for you and at least a little reprieve is in your near future.

(I'm silently dreading DS2 starting K in the fall and turning 6 the following summer for this very reason.)

[formerlyllizzyb]

I love the honesty in this thread. Thank you all for admitting that our kids are huge pains in the ass and generally unkind terrorists at times.

[anna7602]

Hugs, mama. A full day with the baby doesn't wipe me out the way a few hours after school with DD does.

[Brie]

Apr 23, 2015 7:33:39 GMT -5 @lcap said:

Apr 23, 2015 7:07:44 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

I think about this too. My oldest brother was like this and didn't get his act together until he was almost 30. He's totally fine now but he put my parents through the ringer.

At least it's good to hear that he's a functional adult now? lol

Our new strategy now is just to be as consistent with consequences as possible. We think he throws these tantrums because he knows that if he escalates the situation enough so that we get mad and yell, we (meaning me) will ultimately start feeling guilty and give in and comfort him, which is what he wants. He hates to be in the wrong. He pitched a fit today when he found out that he had to ride the bus. And we just kept emphasizing, "when you run away and hide from Mom when it's time to go to school, she isn't going to drive you anymore." We gave him a bowl of cereal for breakfast and he knocked it over on the floor. We stayed calm and told him that now he had to go to school hungry; that that's what happens when you throw your food away. We also stopped his piano lessons because they were causing so much tension over his refusal to practice at home. He was upset but we warned him repeatedly that that's what would happen. I'm really hoping that if we do this often enough, he will learn that his actions have consequences.

The real problem is that he has a much stronger will than I do. I give in too much because I don't want to get into a fight with him. I hate it so much, it gives me a stomach ache all day and makes me feel anxious and horrible. And also because of the circumstances of having the two younger kids around. I used to avoid these screaming tantrums because they scared his younger siblings and then I'd have three crying children on my hands. But I think now that by giving in so much, we just prolonged the real problem, which is that he is kind of spoiled. He wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. And if he can't, he will make the obstacle in his way (me) pay. I can stay strong when DH is here but he often isn't.

Random question: Is right now around your son's half birthday? This has been going on for long enough for us that I've finally noticed a pattern, which is that he tends to have these awful tantrums around this time of year (starting around the end of February and ending in May). And then gradually they will peter out and he will be a little angel over the course of the summer, fall, and first part of the winter. @tokenhoser once mentioned it on here so I looked it up online and it turns out that it's a real thing that some kids go through, something called disequilibrium. It's part of how they start to pull away from you emotionally in order to become more independent. 

Anyway, just know that you're not a monster and you're not alone. 

Thank you for sharing a link. C was so pleasant at 2 and turned into a monster around 2.5 and I was wondering what was up. Ugh.