I'm kind of over getting my mom big gifts for holidays like this. I set a precedent when I was a single baller, and now my mom seems to expect nice stuff. Like she'll hint, if you need gift ideas for Mother's Day, I could use xxx! I kind of want to just go to brunch (that I don't have to cook or make reservations for), and maybe get her some flowers. A card. Done.
Also, I'm going to sound kind of selfish here, but trying to make Mother's Day nice for my mom is cutting into my enjoyment of the day. I mean, this should be about me a little bit, no? I worry about her nice meal, her gift from me (and Ben), and then worry about telling my husband what I might enjoy (oh, and honey, did you get something for your mom? No?), because he struggles with gifts, and don't really end up getting anything out of the day because I'm stressed.
Last year I ended up arranging everything for "my" brunch and worrying about getting everyone there on time and figuring out what gift to buy for grandma and it just wasn't fun.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mama, but this always turns into more of a production than I want. How can I scale this all back without coming across as an asshole? All I want is a good brunch, a nap, and for my husband to change all the diapers that day.
OMG. I have not enjoyed Mother's Day for the most part since I became a mom. There is always more emphasis on "what we need to do for our parents" than there is on what I want or need.
That being said- does your mom get you something too, now that you're a mom? If so, I'd use that. "Hey- let's not exchange gifts this year. Let's just focus on spending time together and enjoying the day". And if she still gets you something, smile and accept graciously, but STAND STRONG. Next year too...
If she doesn't give you anything, then I'd honestly just gently scale back on what you give her. Make it a little simpler this year. Then more so next year. Hopefully she'll get the vibe that MOther's Day has shifted a little!
I would just say you're scaling back and making this year about your family.
My MIL has a hard time sharing the day now, but DH told her to STFU and to call BIL if she wanted someone to plan something for her. (BIL has no other mother's to celebrate except his own.)
Post by vanillacourage on Apr 23, 2015 12:35:19 GMT -5
I completely agree. Our moms had 27+ years of having MD all about them. Now I'm the one down in the trenches and I just want to relax with my 62oz mason jar of mimosas.
I definitely feel your pain. I used to get my mom something nice (and we're not even close - not at all). I've scaled it back to treating her to a meal and a cutesy gift from DS. She eats up anything that says Nana, so she seems to be OK with the switch.
That said, I will still have to coordinate taking her to lunch (and her not understanding that we need to work it around DS's nap, otherwise I'll get to then deal with a cranky toddler for Mother's Day, too). Then once I'm done with her, then there are MIL obligations later that day.
It's definitely not how I'd like MY Mother's Day, but I've definitely pulled back on their celebration now that I'm a Mom too. I just can't put in all that effort for them on a day that is supposedly relaxing and enjoyable for me.
Post by MadamePresident on Apr 23, 2015 12:46:18 GMT -5
We usually try to visit both my mom and my MIL in addition to church. It's makes it a really busy day. Neither of our mom's have bug expectations though.
I'm actually really looking forward to this year - we're going to NYC for the weekend. FIL is going with us, which will make it an interesting weekend. I was initially worried that my mom would be upset that we're OOT. But it's all worked out.
The unfortunate part to this is that MIL died this year, but because of that, my mom feels that this is a good year to not do something "big" as it may be hard on DH and FIL. So the Monday afterwards, she and I are going out to lunch, just the two of us.
I'm glad that it's working out this way and then next year - we'll see how everything plays out then.
OMG. I have not enjoyed Mother's Day for the most part since I became a mom. There is always more emphasis on "what we need to do for our parents" than there is on what I want or need.
That being said- does your mom get you something too, now that you're a mom? If so, I'd use that. "Hey- let's not exchange gifts this year. Let's just focus on spending time together and enjoying the day". And if she still gets you something, smile and accept graciously, but STAND STRONG. Next year too...
If she doesn't give you anything, then I'd honestly just gently scale back on what you give her. Make it a little simpler this year. Then more so next year. Hopefully she'll get the vibe that MOther's Day has shifted a little!
Yes, dammit - last year she gave me basically a family heirloom ring - black hills gold from my grandmother's wedding ring, with birthstones for my grandmother, mother, me and Ben. She had it made when my grandmother died, and I wore it as my "something borrowed" on my wedding day.
But good idea to try and get out in front of it? I don't want to not celebrate her at all, I just feel like it's still very much all about her - and I just want to drink alcohol before noon and let someone else read "100 First Trucks" to B 67 times.
I would just scale it back and not make a big deal about it.
We do brunch with grandparents together so I just say, "We're going to brunch at 1130 on Sunday at X. We'd love for you to join us." 9timesof10 my mom and MIL do. Then I get them a nice plant and done. I give up on scheduling it all separately.
But good idea to try and get out in front of it? I don't want to not celebrate her at all, I just feel like it's still very much all about her - and I just want to drink alcohol before noon and let someone else read "100 First Trucks" to B 67 times.
Yes, approach it from this front. This day is about you too! You should get a say in how it's done. I'd even say that with all the other "big" holidays and events (b-days) throughout the year, you'd really like to make Mother's Day a bit more simple and relaxing. Somehow rope into that not doing gifts and just stress that you want to relax and enjoy the day.
Heck, one year we ordered Chinese for lunch!! It was NICE not having to cook or really "do" an event at our house!
I think it also complicates things that I'm an only - so her only child and grandchild, she obviously wants to see us, and there's no one else to shoulder some of the responsibility.
My H is one of seven kids, and thankfully MIL is like, meh, come, don't come, please don't buy me gifts or take me out. She's over it.
I feel the same way. I love my mother, she's a wonderful mother and grandmother. But I feel like, she's had 33 years of Mother's Days, when is it my turn? Since I had DS, we've split the day, which means it's a huge production of running around and it's stressful. Usually we do church and then brunch for her (she really likes it when we attend church). DS gets a nap and then I "get dinner as my half." Which LOLZ because the evenings with little kids is NOT A FUN TIME. They're cranky, hungry, there's dishes and bath time and bedtime routines. Not relaxing.
My mother is still bitching about the MD weekend that my brother took his wife, the mother of his children, on an OOT trip instead of taking her (our mother) to brunch. So, I hear you.
I can only manage my own emotions, however. If it works out for me to see my mother MD weekend given the physical distance between us, then great. If not, I just try to make sure I'm upfront about what is/isn't possible. She's an adult and has to manage her own disappointment if it comes to that. We spent MD with her last year. This year, I'm not going to travel to her with both kids in tow.
Yup. My mom thinks it is all about her because . . . basically it's her world and we're all just lucky to be living in it. I tried to resist and she was so hurt if i didn't give a big gift and make a big fuss that I gave in. It's hurtful for sure. I spend my Mother's Day focused on MIL and my mom.
DH's mother died many years ago and his step mother is a heinous witch who we rarely speak to. So at least there's no MIL making things even more hectic.
Post by badtzmaru22 on Apr 23, 2015 13:23:28 GMT -5
I have mixed feelings about Mother's Day, because there were a few years where it was really hard on me, like when we were having TTTC and especially the year I had my m/c. I am happy I have kids now, but I still remember what it was like before, so I don't know... On one hand, I don't really want to make a big deal about it, but on the other, I definitely agree it should be about the moms currently in the throes of things, and not grandmas. Sorry, grandmas.
This year, my BFF is getting married in our hometown on the Saturday. It's also near my ILs, so oh joy, we get to traipse all over the place so everyone can check it off their scorecard, instead of just phoning it in by sending flowers.
Since I've been with DH we've always gone to see both of our mothers on MD except for two years ago when I was 9 months pregnant. This year I thought that would be the plan and I actually wanted to go because I wanted to see my sister's new baby but nope, MIL has invited herself to come stay with us and I'm already dreading it. You'd think since it was at our house we would have some level of control but it's proving just the opposite. Ugh
I feel you. On top of that, many years my birthday falls on Mother's Day, but my mom takes the focus. And usually complains about the gifts I give her, except she doesn't give ideas for gifts.
When I found out that DS2 was most likely to be born before his DD (May 19), all I wanted was to avoid him being born on MD so that he didn't have to deal with that for years to come.
Post by humpforfree on Apr 23, 2015 13:37:21 GMT -5
pugz I love the Saturday idea! This year we get out of going to MILs to celebrate the moms (meaning the older moms, not the newer moms that haven't had many mother's days yet & btw they get to prepare the meal...) thanks to L's baby dedication at church and my parents coming. We invited MIL to brunch after but she decline. Shucks. I think next year we will jump out in front of the Sunday event by inviting her to something Saturday to celebrate.
We plan a RV/Camping trip the weekend of Mothers Day every year at the beach and then my parents join us for a BBQ while we are there. I get my family time and I get to see my mom so she's happy.
Post by cherry1111 on Apr 23, 2015 13:57:27 GMT -5
I was just thinking this the other day. I love and appreciate my mom a lot, but her days no longer revolve around caring for children (and young ones at that). Mine do. So why am I still worrying about presents and coordinating lunch or brunch? Add in a MIL who I worry about (otherwise DH would do nothing, and yes, I realize that is a DH problem) and it is no longer a relaxing day to celebrate me being a mom.
Post by jeaniebueller on Apr 23, 2015 13:59:36 GMT -5
I send my mom, MIL and step MIL cards and that's it. As far as I am concerned, its Mother's Day, not grandmothers day. I will call them and wish them well, but it seems kind of silly to make a huge thing for them. Aaaaaand honestly, I kind of feel like its more "my" day than anything. My nephew's birthday falls on MD weekend, so we'll be traveling out of town, so its not like I'll get much of a celebration, but whatever.
Luckily both my mom and MIL are flexible about timing. We celebrate on Saturday or whenever we can fit it in. Last year was my first mothers day with an outside baby so I set the precedent that on mothers day we wouldn't be with our moms. We had a picnic in the backyard and I was mostly relieved of parenting duty. The first year you set the precedent is the hardest, and then it gets easier from there on out.
Before G was born, I'd always make dinner for my mom at my house. Last year I told my dad and my H that the ball was now in their court. We could still do dinner but they had to plan it, make it, or buy it. They took us out. Honestly, I'd probably rather spend the day with just G and my H and let him pamper me and do all of the heavy lifting. But, I know I would feel bad ditching my mom, especially because neither of my brothers live close enough to step in. I still handle her present, but since that's done before the actual day, I don't mind.