LONG -- WSWD? HWYF? (Death and Inheritances suck)

[WOT?*]

As in: What would you do? How would you feel?

Dad died last month, his wife a couple weeks ago. Dad was in a skilled nursing facility for Alzheimer's the last few weeks of his life; she took care of him prior to that. Brother is the administrator of both wills, made shortly after grandmother died several years ago. Dad had signs of dementia back then but was not full-blown Alzheimer's. The wills read: Dad dies, wife gets it all; wife dies, dad's kids get the balance of the estate.

Wife has three adult children, one in prison for life without parole, one with a drinking problem, one married with two kids and works for school with fairly normal life. This daughter handled all financial arrangements for dad's hospitalization on behalf of her mom because she was his wife and doing it on wife's authority. Brother had medical POA but she was doing it on behalf of wife and her marital authority. None of us were in the loop re: finances.

While released from hospital, dad's wife told me that wills and documents were in a safe deposit box. There is little money in checking accounts and "your sisters won't find much of anything in the office no matter how hard they try to break in." Dad had inherited low six-figures from his mother five years earlier. Daughter gave brother documents that directed him to get wills from particular attorney but no info on safe deposit box or any other documents, cash, life insurance (she stated that she had life insurance docs.) Brother and his wife have located some information stating that wife purchased two life insurance policies (probably for her daughters but we have no further info.) Brother has located one savings account, which has been drained of all but about $2000, with a last withdrawal of solid five-figures just over a year ago. He also located a joint account between wife and her daughter in with a five-figure deposit, with daughter as beneficiary. Thousands of dollars were apparently put in prison account and given to other daughter as well. We believe SM has been depleting the savings and sending it to her kids. The money is from grandmother's inheritance. Was in a joint account which was opened after grandmother died but father was ill; he was at the bank to open the account and was mobile but was suffering from dementia and had a shunt installed in his brain to relieve hydrocephalgia less than two years later. Brother has also been finding that wife has been signing dad's name on checks (okay, it's a joint account but why not sign her own name) and daughter has also apparently been signing checks in dad's and mother's name over the course of the past year.

The major problem we are having is that daughter has been taking all the bills and we have no idea what bills there are. Also, that there are major medical expenses for them both and the accounts have been almost drained and distributed to her children (from grandmother's inheritance which would have been separate or possibly joint - we don't know how dad would have done it if he was completely healthy - but was put in joint account while he was suffering from dementia) so there is no money to pay bills, pay for a service or anything else.

I don't have a problem with her having the money and spending it when she was alive; she earned it ten times over. I do have a problem with either her daughter having access to a safe deposit box with all the items we need and not returning my brother's calls. And I do have a problem with her distributing *all* the money to her children and not leaving anything to pay bills (or even, mercenary me, to leave *some* to his kids since it was his inheritance that funded it.) I am also having a huge issue over how this is going over because I thought my brother, she, her daughter and I had a better relationship than to be so deceitful and underhanded; I can understand her distrust with my sisters but my brother and I have had her back their entire marriage and we fought alongside the both of them when it came down to getting my dad care, her care, her dog's care... All of it we sided with them and now she's being difficult from the grave and her daughter is being deceitful to us while alive. She's been ignoring all contact from all of us, not even wanting to do a joint memorial service because "mom didn't want that after all. Not even an announcement in the paper." Daughter was going to take the title and drive off with the car (the one asset remaining in the estate, bought just after grandma died with inheritance funds) because "mom wanted her to have it"; brother is thinking she was just going to forge her mom's signature since she'd already been signing stuff on her mother's behalf. It sucks that we're now thinking that way. My brother has a helluvamess he's having to clean up on what should have been a simple execution.

I'm not sure there's a question other than how would you feel? I'm calling other banks to see if there's a "mystery" safe deposit box that her daughter is not telling us about. For the record, this is in CA, where it is community property (but inheritances are excluded from community. However she and dad were together for almost 20 years so I don't begrudge the inheritance. It's a case of I begrudge how it was handled, esp. since dad was sick and had no little or say. But he loved her so I'm sticking with that. But now I wonder sometimes how much of it was love for him, wanting grandma's inheritance for her kids since she'd never see that kind of money otherwise, how much of it was guilt, and how much of it was character. I'd always been on the "love" and "character" side so I'm sad that these questions even come up.)

[vanillacourage]

<reading comprehension fail>

[ssmjlm]

I would get a laywer. Esp since there appears to be bills that need to be settled that you have no idea what the amounts are.

[pugz]

oh man, what a cluster.

I am sorry you are dealing with this

[UnderProtest]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry about your dad and the current situation. I understand feeling upset that your stepsister may be taking all of the money from your grandmother's estate (I think that's right). Your stepmom did take care of your dad, but that doesn't automatically mean all the money should go to her kids. That being said, I doubt you will get any money from the estate, especially without a huge ordeal.

[CloudBee]

Aug 13, 2012 15:37:07 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

I would give up on the idea of actually getting any money, and would only pursue ironing out the mess if you were going to incur hard costs on the funeral or medical care. And I'm thinking you wouldn't, since your father passed a year ago and it's been enough time for you to know about those costs, right? Let your stepmom's bio kids figure out costs/funeral expenses for her since they're busy liquidating her estate.

Her dad died a month ago, and his wife (step mother) died a few weeks ago. So there are actually 2 funerals and lots of medical expenses to look at right now.

[Awkward]

Yikes that sounds like a mess. How do you even plan for both spouses passing in so short a time?

My grandmother went through a similar mess when her mother passed away. Missing bank accounts, a mysterious lock box no one seemed to have a key to. My grandmother hasn't spoken to some of her siblings in years over the estate.

[CloudBee]

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I remember you having to fly out there to see your dad while everything was happening with your step mother's surgery. I can't even fathom what you are experiencing.

hugs

[vanillacourage]

Aug 13, 2012 15:46:13 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Aug 13, 2012 15:37:07 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

I would give up on the idea of actually getting any money, and would only pursue ironing out the mess if you were going to incur hard costs on the funeral or medical care. And I'm thinking you wouldn't, since your father passed a year ago and it's been enough time for you to know about those costs, right? Let your stepmom's bio kids figure out costs/funeral expenses for her since they're busy liquidating her estate.

Her dad died a month ago, and his wife (step mother) died a few weeks ago. So there are actually 2 funerals and lots of medical expenses to look at right now.

Der, for some reason I read the first line as "Dad died last year". Well, yes, that changes things. Sorry OP, I would lawyer up.

[WOT?*]

We're not looking to lawyer up at this point, but we may have to if it comes down to "give us the financial info already, daughter." The money's gone (particularly between alcoholic daughter and son in prison) and it would cost more in lawyer fees than there is to get back. If there ever was a safe deposit box with money it it, she took it long ago. And I'm sure she cleaned out the $10K ages ago; not sure if we could access it anyway since it was joint with her mom with her having right of survivorship. It just rather hurts that there is zero and it's gone all to her kids and yet she's spent the last five years bitching about how my sisters have been after her re: the inheritance; turns out that in many respects my sisters may have been right about them both. Sad puppy face.

[glynn2009]

Money makes a lot of people crazy. I have witness this first hand 3 times now. My family is in shables because of money from my brothers estate. It really is sad. I do not want any money to fight over.

[pumpkin]

I have no advice with regards to the estate, but did want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your father and wish you and your brother luck in wading through the mess.

[starlily]

Lawyer up and do it soon.

[krystee]

Even if you don't plan to lawyer up (which you should), you should start playing hardball with the daughter. Tell her she gives you the information you need within one week or you are going to contact a lawyer for potential prosecution of check writing fraud.

I know she's family, but you clearly can't trust her as far as you can throw her. You are fond of a false image of herself that she presented, which turned out to be a sham.

[rubytue]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I missed that they had both passed away, but I do recall the situation you were in with your father and your step-mothers hospitalization. I wish I had something to offer other than contact and estate lawyer. What a terrible situation.

And as someone facing a similar situation (father with Alzheimers, step-mother who I get along with), I've always been slightly worried about what could happen after dad passes and she has the estate to herself. Proof that I'm not crazy when I say that I don't have full faith that I'll even get a chance at the lake house. I wish you the best.

[WOT?*]

Nugget, yes, she's in mourning but she's also found time to clean out the house and the office of all relevant paperwork, find the pink slip to the car, pull the mail from the mailbox so brother doesn't have the bills/bank statements/financials, and isn't returning his (very few) calls with requests for information. She's not just in depression, she's avoiding. And to that end, our dad died just a few weeks before that. She was "we need to get this taken care of" proactive when he was alive and after he died but now it's voicemail and unreturned texts and "I don't want to deal with this."

Farmville, thanks. The one thing I worry about is that we'll have to sell the car to pay the oop for the bills since it's part of the estate and really the only appreciable asset. I want my brother to have the car. He needs it and he deserves it; he's housed them rent-free for multiple years (another reason I'm not happy about the money being gone. He housed them in two houses which he modified for handicap access at his expense and now he's struggling because the economy has tanked - he's a contractor with a few rental homes that just pay for themselves.) I've already given him my share of it if/when it comes down to it.

[drloretta]

I don't know what I'd do, but I'd feel betrayed.

My cousin is going through something like this, but MUCH worse. Aunt died a few years back, uncle died 2 years ago. Of the 8 kids, the executor pretty much let everyone just walk in and grab stuff they wanted, to do with as they pleased. One had a yard sale and sold most of the family valuables. 2 of my other cousins are fighting just to find out what $ there was, where it went, etc.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like a huge, huge mess.

[Mrs.Beagle]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Any way to tell the medical facilities to send all the bills to the daughter? If they've already been dealing with her, and she's got all the money, she should pay.

[WOT?*]

Aug 13, 2012 18:38:30 GMT -5 Mrs.Beagle said:

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Any way to tell the medical facilities to send all the bills to the daughter? If they've already been dealing with her, and she's got all the money, she should pay.

Brother is the executor to the estate. Even if they send her the bills, she doesn't have to pay them. He does. =(

[lys]

Lawyer - NOW!

[Mrs.Beagle]

Ugh, I am so sorry.

I think you should consult with a lawyer, even if, like farmer said, there's nothing that can be done.

What a cluster

[ladyk]

He only has to pay them if there are assets from the estate, not from his own pocket. This is why you need an attorney. Not necessarily to get the $ back from your stepsister but for him to get advice on the estate issues.

[takeonyou]

I am so sorry for your loss and that you are dealing with all this. It is just wrong and unfair. I would get a consult to at least see what can be done about the car/outstanding bills.

[Deleted]

I think you've gotten really good advice here; and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have no other advice, but wanted to share my condolences.

My mom's parents both died this summer. Grandma in May, grandpa last Thursday. Their estate had substantial assets (they were farmers, land rich and cash poor). The farm went to my mom's only brother (valued at $3million) and my mom and her two sisters split the assets in the house (not much, the lived simply) and a $200,000 investment account. Sucky sucky sucky, and has caused all kind of hurt feelings.

[WOT?*]

Aug 14, 2012 7:59:45 GMT -5 ladyk said:

He only has to pay them if there are assets from the estate, not from his own pocket. This is why you need an attorney. Not necessarily to get the $ back from your stepsister but for him to get advice on the estate issues.

Yup, sorry. I know this. The estate pays unless he (or someone) is a co-signer. There is only one real asset left in the estate, my dad's new(er) car, a 2009 Camry. I'm trying to figure out how my brother can keep the car (I am gifting him my portion if we can figure out how it can be done) rather than sell it to pay the bills.