My friends and I regularly joke about wanting to be sister wives. H and I have talked about it before, but I think when the time really came to move things in motion with another girl I would probably back out.
I used to think that I would be okay with it but at this point in my relationship with H I no longer have the same views. No judgement, it just wouldn't work for us. And let's be realistic, I barely have the time and energy for a sex life with H let along going out and putting in an effort with other people.
ha! I'm the opposite.
the longer I'm married, the more I can see why and how this could work.
Just finished the Dear Sugar podcast on this. It was interesting, but I was surprised the poet who was interviewed and her husband don't have a sexual relationship anymore. I would not be okay with this set up at all, but I don't really care how other people conduct their relationships.
Post by Queen Mamadala on Apr 27, 2015 21:20:19 GMT -5
I voted SS.
It isn't an arrangement that would work in my current marriage, but my first husband and I had an open marriage toward the end. I have a good number of poly and "open" friends. I lived in an area where there was a big "alternative" community/dating scene. I fully support ethical, consensual non-monogamy.
Post by lexxasaurus on Apr 27, 2015 21:25:54 GMT -5
I voted SS for a similar reason as Queen Mamadala. My current relationship isn't open, but I've had them before. Also, the non-monogamy was NOT what ended it, nor did it have anything to do with it.
I find it interesting that people always chime in with "I've never seen it work successfully!" and "I always see it as the end to marriages" but I think people fail to realize there are probably a lot of open relationships they have been around but don't know about. I wasn't exactly telling my friends that we were open, so they would have never known I was successfully holding down an open relationship, y'know?
And I'll be honest. When couples claim, "it works for us!" I am damn sure that one of them is lying. And the bitterness will out eventually.
It actually does work for a number of couples, but these couples are decidedly poly. They're hardwired for being poly. That isn't to say there aren't challenges. There are. There's a lot of soul-searching and introspection for each individual, and lots and lots of communication to work through issues of jealousy if that is the case. I've known both men and women who aren't the jealous type at all, but they're big on honesty and staying within the set boundaries.
My first husband wasn't jealous that I was dating other people. He was jealous that I was getting dates and he wasn't. It's far more difficult for open/poly men to date than women.
Post by pantsparty on Apr 27, 2015 21:29:55 GMT -5
Someone I went to high school with is polyamorous. She and her husband are divorced, but they split a duplex. I think that they are still...together?...but not each other's main partners.
They also have a kid. So. I don't know how that all works.
I don't necessarely judge (ok, maybe a little), but when those relationships fail (see my brother as a prime example) I'm all "well of course, duh!". I think it can work for a very very limited number of couples.
I voted SS for a similar reason as Queen Mamadala. My current relationship isn't open, but I've had them before. Also, the non-monogamy was NOT what ended it, nor did it have anything to do with it.
I find it interesting that people always chime in with "I've never seen it work successfully!" and "I always see it as the end to marriages" but I think people fail to realize there are probably a lot of open relationships they have been around but don't know about. I wasn't exactly telling my friends that we were open, so they would have never known I was successfully holding down an open relationship, y'know?
And there's a definite difference between exploring, but otherwise unsure and being poly. There are poly households and all sorts of arrangements that work well for some. It was interesting see the diversity within the poly/alt community. A lot of professionals and business people. People you would never assume are poly. No one ever assumes I had an open marriage.
After I moved from ATL to San Diego and explored the dating scene I was approached by a poly gentleman on an OLD site. This gentleman was well-to-do, late 40's, married over 20 years, highly educated and intelligent. The first 11 years of his marriage was monogamous, and the rest poly. I tended to find other people's experiences fascinating. It worked very well for this couple.
And then there were men who weren't poly and just sought a rotation of women because they could under the guise of being "poly."
Post by Dumbledork on Apr 27, 2015 22:21:57 GMT -5
I have a friend in an open marriage, they're both sleeping with other people. He is sleeping with one other person while she has a rotating line up.
I think she said their therapist recommended it after exhausting all other options. They have a contract, rules and a "re evaluation date."
Actually, I have two friends in open marriages, but the other just ended in divorce. Only one person was sleeping with other people in that relationship.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Apr 28, 2015 6:11:38 GMT -5
When K was first born, I was a part of a new moms group.
One of the women had both a husband (and I think the biological father of her baby) and a (male) domestic partner.
They all three lived and parented together. One of the men was a doctor and I can't remember what the other one did, but they had a system worked out where everyone felt they were getting the attention they wanted / needed.
They'd been together quite awhile. I don't think this is really an example of an open marriage, but it's the best example I can think of of something similar working long term for everyone involved. I found it really intriguing, although it wouldn't work for us.
One of my housemates from university works in an artistic field and is struggling with this. Many of her friends are in open/poly relationships and she's been in an on again off again relationship with someone for two years. Her issue is that her bf wants to be open or poly but she's not sure herself. She can see cases where it obviously works among their wider group of friends but isn't keen on it herself, however she feels like she's being a hypocrite to refuse.
We were discussing it a couple of months ago and my takeaway was that it obviously wasn't going to work for her or her bf long term since they were not on the same page. I suggested she cut her losses and leave now but she's still with him. I don't know.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Apr 28, 2015 7:46:03 GMT -5
My SO of 2 years and I initially had one, then we found ourselves in a place where we were not seeing anyone else so we were sort of monogamous by default and have left it that way because it was way less chaotic. In the future it might be open again. I think it can work and I've seen it work but it takes some unique personalities and people who are really good at communicating and knowing their own shit and all that fun stuff.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
I know couples in open relationships where things have worked and couples where it hasnt. Just like couples in 'closed' relationships. I just dont see why open automatically means - DIVORCE!
I wouldn't judge that it's immoral or wrong, but I might secretly believe that at least one member of the marriage is fooling him-or-herself. I've only seen it ruin marriages although, admittedly, maybe all the marriages where it works just don't get mentioned publicly because, well, it's working.
I voted no, +judging. I mean I don't feel that VEHEMENT about it or anything. I never really thought about it much. I just think for most people, they are deluding themselves if they think it will work. Most of the time it won't work out at all (if "work out" is defined as "remains married/remains happy in relationship")
I don't judge or care what other people do. I absolutely would not be ok with it. I can see what others said about doing a ton of introspecting, communicating, etc could make it work - but to me that sounds exhausting. I prefer my relationship uncomplicated. Or at least as uncomplicated as a relationship can be.
An open relationship is not for me, and I will not get involved with someone who says they are in an open relationship. I fear they say they are in an open relationship, when really their partner is not onboard with this. I also think there is a difference between open and poly. I know a few poly groups and it seems to work very well for them. I think poly can be good for a relationship, I question if open is. Regardless, I'm not going to judge, each to their own.