Sleepovers and abuse

[july]

My sister and brother in law want my daughter to sleepover every time we are in town. I have felt weird about it and finally told my husband this weekend. I am worried about sexual abuse in the future. I may be overacting.

My sister got pregnant in college. They stayed together and got married. They have four kids, the oldest being 18. They have a daughter near Ds age. BIL has always been crude. He makes jokes about sex and has made awkward comments to me and others about sex. There is a level of bitterness towards us since we have things a little more out together. He has never had a steady job (no ambition) and stays at home. This weekend, we were invited to their house while visiting my parents. BIL was on the sofa under a blanket wearing just boxers underneath. Sometimes BIL tickles Ds feet and messes with her. It makes me uncomfortable. I didn't tell H this, but when I was 13/14, I think I remember him wanting to take a picture of my sister and I when we were outside in swimsuits.

Every time we come down, they want to do a sleepover. They want to meet halfway to take her for the weekend. My sister talked about a whole week. BIL doesn't initiate the conversations. He has said their daughter will be sad when we hesitate. 

Eta: I worry about it leading to something, not actually happening now.

[jamer]

Go with your gut. If you are uncomfortable don't do it. Not worth it. Hurt feelings vs safety I would say you do what you need to do.

[noodleskooze]

Agree with pp...go with your gut. I wouldn't be okay with it either.

[Deleted]

I agree go with your gut. Do other people make you feel uncomfortable? If you were worried about every friend or family member, I would say reevaluate. But if it's just him/a couple of people, listen to your concerns.

[vanillacourage]

You are your DD's advocate and her safety matters more than your sister/BIL's commentary about wanting a sleepover. Trust your gut. 

ETa - they want to take a 3 y/o for a week?  That's weird. My radar is going off on your behalf. 

[cjeanette]

Go with your gut. I would happily give my kids to SIL and BIL for a week but I trust them and neither have ever done anything to make me feel uncomfortable.

You have every right to tell them no. You don't even need a valid reason (which you have fwiw)

[DarcyLongfellow]

Absolutely go with your instincts. You'd never forgive yourself if you ignored your gut and something happened.

[everafter07]

Neewwwwwp

[everafter07]

He sounds skeevy as hell

[mlt]

No way in hell would I trust my kid with someone like that. He sounds like a huge creep. At best, he lacks important boundaries.

[lilac05]

Always listen to your mother's intuition. There's no match off it.

If you felt this way about her going to ANY sleepover anywhere or with anyone, then it would be worth re-evaluating. That doesn't sound like the case here.

[madisen]

I agree with everyone else and go with your gut. Don't let yourself worry about it anymore, just know your answer will always be no and it is what it is.

Eta: and by worry I mean about your answer. There is no other option, answer is no.

[JayhawkGirl]

Ages ago, my sister called me at college to tell me a line she had just heard on Oprah: humans are the only animals that ignore their instincts. It resonated with her enough to call me long distance, and it has stuck with me since.

Trust your instincts.

[heygrey]

trust your gut.

my mom was really strict about sleepovers. there were times when i was so angry that she wouldn't let me stay at so-and-so's house. stuff has since come to light, and my mom's gut instinct was right.

[starlily]

Trust your gut.

[Deleted]

Trust your gut.

[barefootcontessa]

All the things you outlined would give me serious pause as well. She is probably too young to be somewhere she is not already familiar with anyway. I would just keep putting her off and say she is too young right now. My SIL used to ask me all the time for my kids (she has been arrested for domestic violence, recently) and there is no way I will let my kids stay there without either me or my DH. We kept making up excuses (because we are not suppose to know about the arrest) and she has since stopped asking. So maybe she will eventually get the message.

[Deleted]

People who really love/care about your dd will understand you not wanting to do sleepovers. I'm just putting that out there because of the guilt trips.

[VillainV]

What is the worst that can happen if you go with your gut and are wrong? A missed sleepover and potentially upset kids (who will forget quickly).

What is the worst that can happen if you ignore your gut and are right? Too upsetting to even contemplate.

[Deleted]

I agree with everyone else: trust your gut.

BUT I want to suggest a reason for why they have offered repeatedly to have your DD over and it's nothing sinister.

When you have a lot of kids it's really not a bother to add one more. In fact, it can be helpful to have a playmate around for one of your kids. Perhaps the gesture is that they would like to give you an extended parenting break because it's not that much work for them to add one more and you are family? It might be a gift that they can easily give.

I have three kids and a friend was in a bind for childcare with her one child. I heard about it and offerred that she could drop her son by for 1-2 hours on occasion over the few weeks she had a scheduling conflict. She declined because he really didn't know us that well - which I totally understood. As I said to her at the time, I know we don't know child well but we are home at that time and it would be nice to have a playmate over for DS2.

Again, I totally agree with trust your gut but the motives behind the offer may just be a genuine gift that this family can afford.

[Deleted]

Newp. First of all your child is 3. 3 is really really young for a sleepover IMHO. With grandparents sure, but with anyone else I wouldn't allow it.

Also he is setting off your sleeze radar. I wouldn't leave my child alone with him sleepover or not.

A good compromise ( for your sister & the kids) might be to get one of those Groupons for a hotel with a water play area for a Mom & Kids night. Then just the Moms take the kids for the fun overnight at the hotel. No Dads allowed! Sisters bonding!

FWIW My MIL wanted to take DS for a sleepover since he was an infant. She refused to change his diaper the one time I let her watch him, has guns in her home that are not safely stored & refused to follow safe sleep. I was the big bitch for saying no, but you have to trust your gut.

[laurack]

he sounds creepy so I'd say no. I mean, you don't even have to feel bad about it because she's SO young. it's totally reasonable for a parent to not be cool with any sleepovers for a 3 year old.

[ECB]

Yup, go with your gut.  And my suggestion is to stop hesitating.  You know they'll ask again.  Smile brightly and say "Thanks for offering but we have to say no".  And then change the topic.  Just  move on.  Try to avoid giving excuses.  "She's not ready" only opens the hole for 'when will she be ready?" or them asking ad nauseum in another year or so.  "Not this time" opens the hole for "o.k, next time then", etc. 

The only "excuse" i'd give, if I felt I had to, would be "we're not comfortable with sleepovers" or "we're not comfortable with her being so far away".  Period.  Let them think you're overly cautious, let them side eye you.  So what?  I'd rather be "those parents" than give in to their pressure.

[lilles]

No, no, no. Too many red flags. Trust your instincts.

[badtzmaru22]

Team you, no excuses needed. My sister's H is a creep, and WE won't even stay at my parent's house overnight if they are there. I'd rather spend the money on a hotel. Trust your gut!

[jene]

He sounds creepy. I wouldn't let it happen

[Deleted]

Family or not, if I had any sort of uncomfortable feelings/gut reaction that suggested I shouldn't allow my kids to stay overnight then I wouldn't do it. Trust your instincts and don't feel badly about it!

[irishbride2]

I'm really breezy about sleep overs. (my daughter has been going to her aunt's house for a sleep over with her cousins since before she turned 3 and we've had a sitter stay at our house with our kids for the weekend). But trust your gut. I'm breezy, but there are people I would not be ok with.

[bearbaby]

I actually came in here thinking this was a rehash of the "why my kids will never have a sleepover" blog/article from a couple months ago preparing to speak to my view that people who KNOW and are fully comfortable with are not always constantly lurking predators/etc etc.

HOWEVER, reading your OP - I would 100% go with your gut. I'll reiterate a PP that if you feel this concern regarding many people/parents/family I'd re-evaluate (but still go with your gut while doing so), but in this instance - I would fully support you not allowing a sleepover.

[Deleted]

Apr 27, 2015 22:24:33 GMT -5 july said:

This weekend, we were invited to their house while visiting my parents. BIL was on the sofa under a blanket wearing just boxers underneath.

That is really creepy.  I wouldn't let my child sleep over there.  I agree to trust your instincts.