So she is going to both the bday party and the bachelorette afterwards or vice-versa?
I can't fault her for getting trashed during her bachelorette weekend with her friends as long as it's not at your mom's bday or something like that. Other than that, she sounds like she lacks social grace (a nice way of saying she is rude as hell). I can commiserate. My future sil is the same and she is in total bec mode with me.
Post by rootbeerfloat on May 12, 2015 17:33:28 GMT -5
We threw my dad a surprise 60th birthday, but I don't think it's a universally important milestone. Given that she seems kind of awful, she should make it a priority to attend. But if she were a normal person who otherwise made an effort, I wouldn't feel that offended that she planned her bachelorette party for the only weekend her MOH was available.
You guys don't like her so why do you care she's not coming to the party. I assume your brother is.
It's weird if she sulks at family events but I'm not sure why she needs to formally greet your parents? When my in-laws come over I yell hello from wherever so am and then go chat with them momentarily. If it's a big family gathering, I don't greet everyone as they enter.
That is not cool that she gave you a hard time about declining last minute tickets or inviting her parents to the elaborate meal you are hosting.
I'm not sure that it matters why she changed her wedding venue.
And sometimes getting drunk is fun. I hope she stays safe though.
It sounds like she may have some social anxiety and have a hard time coping with some things. Maybe you should try to just let her be. You definitely have a lot of unrealistic expectations about how people should behave in your family.
- I'm on your side with pretty much everything, especially the points you list in your first section; she seems like an immature brat.
- 60th birthdays are absolutely no big deal in our family, nor with anyone else I know. Obviously this will vary by family, however.
- If I'm hosting a party with 100+ people, I wouldn't have an issue with adding one more, particularly if that person is travelling in from out of town for the weekend so would otherwise be home alone.
But I don't think one should plan their bachelorette around a 60th birthday party - in general. I think it would have been nice if SHE had, to show that she is making an effort and is making her future in laws a priority. At the very least, a heartfelt apology that she will miss it.
I think you all have all that history built up against her and she probably feels like she will never be able to change your minds and has likely given up. But she also sounds super self-absorbed and selfish so maybe she doesn't even want to try.
- I'm on your side with pretty much everything, especially the points you list in your first section; she seems like an immature brat.
- 60th birthdays are absolutely no big deal in our family, nor with anyone else I know. Obviously this will vary by family, however.
- If I'm hosting a party with 100+ people, I wouldn't have an issue with adding one more, particularly if that person is travelling in from out of town for the weekend so would otherwise be home alone.
You misunderstood. IT's a 100+ dollars per person dinner. Not 100+ people.
Aah, sorry. In that case, I'd have an issue with that too. Team you.
I didn't realize before reading your link that 60 was a milestone birthday. (I also thought from the original post that there were going to be 100+ people at the party and couldn't figure out why one more was a big deal.)
Is she not Asian? Maybe she doesn't realize how important things like the birthday celebration or in-law family ties are to your parents. (It sounds like she's pretty self-involved, so maybe that wouldn't make a difference.)
60th Birthday's aren't overly important in my family so this might be clouding my judgement, but this seems like a win-win. If you don't like her wouldn't not having her there be nice?
Post by ilikedonuts on May 12, 2015 17:55:48 GMT -5
She's complaining to your brother and asking for advice to pretend like she cares enough to try to be a part of your family. In reality though, she doesn't care.
My family would not be upset that she couldn't attend the birthday party and instead went to her bach-party. that's an important event for a bride and its not like she purposely scheduled it to conflict with your mom's party. I think your family should let this go and enjoy the fact that she's not there.
You know why she had to have the party this weekend. Getting trashed at your bach party is a given and she is entitled to that. If the party is 100+ what is one more. Be the bigger person
If fsil is at the bachelorette instead of the birthday dinner, why would the maid of honor go to the birthday dinner?
They get back from Portland that afternoon. She is coming to dinner but not to any of the other birthday "events". So I totally agree with kcpokergirl that we're all a little crazy. It shouldn't matter whether she is there or not that weekend, but it does to my mom, and I get earfuls from her and earfuls from my brother and then I have my own bec situation with fsil
Okay now I'm team sil. Planning daily events for your mom's birthday so she feels special in addition to the dinner is a little over the top imo. I would ask your brother to pay the maid of honor's meal since she is basically their guest and move on. It was the only weekend for her bachelorette and she's still coming to the dinner. That's something.
eta: If it's just a table of 8, I would say sorry brother and fsil-family only for dinner.
If it was important to my husband and his family, yes, I would make the effort and go. And vice versa. Sounds like your brother did not relay how important this was to him and the rest of the family? That's on him.
HOWEVER, I didn't realize she was coming to the dinner!! Yes you all need to calm down a little bit.
Post by gibbinator on May 12, 2015 18:02:39 GMT -5
60th bdays aren't a big deal around here.
Most people think that their own bachelor/ette party is an important event and that the people around them believe the same (when in reality it's not a priority for them at all).
So, you're all influenced by your own perceptions of what's the more important event and it's not unreasonable to expect both your family and your sil to think theirs is most important.
Post by spankswife on May 12, 2015 18:04:33 GMT -5
And now that I see she is coming to the dinner, just not the "weekend of evens" I'm team sil for sure. I understand its a big deal in your family, but so is a bachelorette party to a bride, and multiple bday events is a bit much.
So, I guess knowing that 60th is not a big deal for most people my next question is, if it is known to be a big deal in your in-laws family, would it matter to you? The idea of not caring does not make sense to me, but I am willing to be educated. XD Like I have said, I was raised in an ultra conservative household so my initial thoughts are, if something matters to my husband and his family, it matters to me, as well as vice versa, if it matters to me, it matters to my husband, so getting out of that way of thinking to understand a different viewpoint is hard.
To a certain extent yes, for the reason that it's important to my husband. But not necessarily because I think it's important. So when faced with two options, one which I consider important (in theory you only get one bachelorette party and you want your bff there) and one which sounds awful because everyone hates me and my only reason to attend is social obligation.... I can see why she'd choose not to.
For the record, I am on team she sounds self absorbed and unwilling to change.
Your brother should have let his FI know that the 60th birthday is a big deal in his cultural but it seems like he did not. She's making an effort to come to the dinner. She does not have to give up something important to her (a Bach party with her bff) just to make your mom and family happy. That isn't fair to her.
I think in-law relationships are complicated, especially when you throw in a different culture. I still often have no idea what's expected of me in certain situations after almost 13 years of marriage because the things that are a big deal in my family are not in DH's and vice-versa. This shit is hard.
You know why she had to have the party this weekend. Getting trashed at your bach party is a given and she is entitled to that. If the party is 100+ what is one more. Be the bigger person
$100-200 per person. A dinner of 8 people.
Do people really not get weekends or days off for 4 months in the psychiatrist's world? (Honestly asking, it just seemed unrealistic to me.)
Oh I see.
In that case if your brother wants to pay for MOH I would extend the invite. Otherwise no.
As far as your family not liking that she doesn't greet them... I don't greet people always. I am a bit akward. So when it comes to family I am not going force it. If greetings are important to you guys try killing her with kindess and say hello and strike up conversation. Maybe it will thaw her out a bit. I am not saying your feelings are unjustified but life is too short to be holding a grudge over silly things like this
And now that I see she is coming to the dinner, just not the "weekend of evens" I'm team sil for sure. I understand its a big deal in your family, but so is a bachelorette party to a bride, and multiple bday events is a bit much.
I get that people think the weekend of events is "too much".
But going on week long+ vacations for the 60th birthday is not unheard of. We took my dad to concierge level Disneyworld for his 60th so comparatively, my mother's celebration is tame. (Which well, she has let me know every step of the way even though this was her decision to forego a vacation). XD
So you get an extra layer of mom guilt, lucky you!
Sounds like your brother should have planned better all around, by communicating to sil and by planning his pto better. I blame him.
I think in-law relationships are complicated, especially when you throw in a different culture. I still often have no idea what's expected of me in certain situations after almost 13 years of marriage because the things that are a big deal in my family are not in DH's and vice-versa. This shit is hard.
QFT Dh and i are from the same culture but our families are very different. I have a very close, family-oriented, type of family. He does not. Things are harder for him because my family expects a lot of together time, over the years he's gotten used to it but we still hit bumps. I frequently feel like his family is cold and uncaring. That's not actually true, but their behaviors come across that way to me
I think there are a lot of issues here on both sides of this relationship. I think your parents have certain assumptions that they are placing on your future sister-in-law that she's not going to understand. I also think it is up to your brother to be the translator of these expectations in the relationship and it doesn't sound like he's doing that. I honestly think it is unfair to put all of this on your future sister-in-law and not put any of the blame on your brother. He should be the one making an effort to bridge the gap between your future sister-in-law and your parents and it doesn't sound like he is. It also sounds like your family is choosing to blame her completely and not place any of the blame on your brother.
im not saying she's blameless, but you are demonizing her and probably can't see her side of it. Her bachelorette is a big deal too, and she's allowed to celebrate as she chooses. If is pretty ballsy to invite her MOH to a small pricey dinner, but just say no and be done with it. You are basically in BEC territory with her and like it or not, your brother is marrying her. So you better figure out how to let some of this stuff go or else you are in for a rocky road. Your just going to alienate your brother if you keep down this road. He's not going to choose you or your parents over her.
Post by gibbinator on May 12, 2015 18:18:06 GMT -5
Also, there are many inflexible jobs out there. My friend did her pharmacist residency at a hospital and had one week of vacation that had to happen a certain time, for 2 years.
Eta: sorry that should be one vacation of two weeks, on a specific schedule.