How supportive has your H been?

[noodleoo]

I'm trying to figure out if my expectations are too high or if my H is just a clueless jerk.  I just don't think he gets how tough pregnancy is.  Today is my due date and I'm not handling it well. 

Anyway, I'm curious: has your H been supportive? What's the best/worst thing he's done to support you during pregnancy?

[dojo]

DH was not super supportive during either pregnancy. Men don't get how taxing it is. The worst thing he's done is say that pregnancy is a "do nothing job" (he was joking, but I know deep down he did feel that way). The good news is that once the baby arrived he was completely supportive. More than I ever could have hoped for. Once the baby was out it became real to him. I don't think it was real before that moment.

[hainesherway]

He's been pretty good. Very supportive and helpful with stepping up around the house and getting stuff done while I've been in the hospital the past month. My only complaint is he could have made more of an effort to research what I can/can't eat on the GD diet and bought things accordingly. He blamed buying sweets on that they were for SD's lunch, when really they were just as much for him.

[aprilsails]

He's been lucky that I've been having a really easy pregnancy, because he really hasn't been more supportive or helpful in any way.

I was really sick for a week and I lost it for the first time since he wasn't helping out around the house at all. Blarg. He has been much better, especially during the past two weeks with work outdoors.

[preppy]

I have been lucky and DH had been really great. He has pretty much done all the cooking and cleaning for the last 5 months. He will go out and get me weird foods, gets me ice packs since I am a heat box, and generally goes out of his way to help. He read "dude you're going to be a dad" back in January and occasionally will be like "my book said this would be nice to do so I am going to do it.

I don't think you have high expectations. I think he has been insensitive to your feelings and how sick you have been for different periods throughout your pregnancy and he needs to snap out of it.

[noodleoo]

It is sad but it is making me feel a little better that it isn't just my H. I just don't understand how someone can watch everything that happens during pregnancy and not be more sympathetic. Men suck.

[ebeth]

he hasn't been especially supportive but I've had a pretty easy go of it thus far so I haven't really needed him to step up too much just yet. he's taken over cat litter cleaning, has taken over more of the cooking, goes running with me at my new slower pace, generally lets me nap whenever I want without complaint, brings me snacks that I like, and reminds me that I'm growing an entire new human when I'm being all emo about my pregnancy fitness, energy levels, physical limitations.

as far as unsupportive things, he hasn't been very understanding about my anxiety re: the timeline for our house reno and the projected completion date's proximity to my due date, he kind of grumbled about the timing of the childbirth class, he hasn't done much baby related research/reading, and finally, he recently told me that I'm taking up a lot of space in the bed as of late and that I"m too hot. I reminded him that I'm taking up more square footage and have an elevated body temperature because I'm carrying his demon spawn.

[thejackpot]

Depends on the pregnancy. DH has been super helpful and supportive this pregnancy-cleaning, cooking and checking on me and the kids. With my first he really didn't do too much, not that he was awful just everything was like it was a big deal: we have to take all of those classes, do a hospital tour etc. He works better when he knows what to tackle.
GL and don't think that what your feeling isn't valid. If you feel like you need more support than you probably do.

[dearprudence]

Mine varies. I think he gets it, but he doesn't always understand what's going on. Today for example I had a major breakdown on him - meaning super bitchy and yelling at him, and so he ran out to do my bidding, came back and we got into another fight, and instead of being upset with what is undoubtedly irrational behavior, he keeps checking on me to see how I'm doing and trying to take care of me.

[dcn]

My first of he just went in with life like nothing was different which was annoying. We moved 3,000 miles when I was 30 weeks and he was like tra la la about how pg I was.

This time he's been much more helpful and supportive, taking on more of the toddler and dinner duties, it has been great,

Good news was he was so amazing during labor and delivery. He held my leg for 3 hours while I pushed and never complained. I think they just don't get it until they can see how painful labor and delivery is.

[hbomdiggity]

May 16, 2015 21:33:43 GMT -5 ebeth said:

he hasn't been especially supportive but I've had a pretty easy go of it thus far so I haven't really needed him to step up too much just yet....

as far as unsupportive things, he hasn't been very understanding about my anxiety re: the timeline for our house reno and the projected completion date's proximity to my due date, he kind of grumbled about the timing of the childbirth class, he hasn't done much baby related research/reading, and finally, he recently told me that I'm taking up a lot of space in the bed as of late and that I"m too hot. I reminded him that I'm taking up more square footage and have an elevated body temperature because I'm carrying his demon spawn.

We must be married to the same guy, down to the house reno.

[starburst604]

I don't think you're expecting too much at all. Hugs. Go for a long walk today if you can, hopefully it will get things moving for you and it's a nice day. Could be good for you and H too. A PP raised a good point, sometimes it takes for men to see the labor and delivery process for it to really sink in that this is a huge undertaking for our bodies, from start to finish.

[Blackout81]

I think it's hard for them especially in the beginning because nothing really looks too different - except maybe bigger boobs, which is usually a plus. I know we've been on edge bc he just doesn't get my exhaustion, especially with an almost 4 year old to keep up with and the fact that we don't talk about it much since we haven't told her yet. Maybe 2 weeks ago I had a talk with him and expressed everything and he's been more helpful since, but I can tell its kind of forced.

With my first as I got bigger he became more supportive and he was absolutely beyond amazing when she was born. As with most relationship issues, communication is key. We both work FT, but most of the housework and parenting still falls on me, so he needs pretty specific tasks (can you please unload/load the dishwasher today? Can you move the laundry into the dryer? You're on butt-wiping duty this weekend.) rather than just saying "I need help."

[Susie]

Calvin totally doesn't get it. I think he wants to be supportive but has no idea how, and often does it wrong, or not at the right times, or just misses the boat at the times when I need it. He absolutely cannot relate.

Sometimes I try really simple explanations to try to help him get it when I know I'm having one of my frustration fits. One day I was having trouble getting dressed for work because nothing fit. I was like -- pretend I just threw all your jeans, all your pants, and all your suits out on the lawn. Pretend they do not exist. Now get dressed for work into something presentable anyway. That's my new world. He was like "oooh."

When I was... I forget, maybe 10 weeks? I told him that since I was traveling the weekends I'd be 11 and 12 weeks, and my clothes were getting tight, I wanted to go shopping for maternity clothes so I'd have them as soon as I needed them. He looked me up and down and said, without any nastiness but totally matter of factly, "why do you need maternity clothes? you're not carrying any baby weight, that's just from not doing long runs and rides." He spent the rest of the weekend trying to explain what he meant, and I swear it sounded worse every time. (I will say now that I have a definite belly at 13 weeks, he's a little more sensitive about it.)

[nachos]

My H is only starting to 'get it' now. I've had an easy time, except for the flu that won't die, so he really doesn't see how hard pregnancy is on my body.

He was pretty reluctant to tell people that I was pregnant because of the loss last fall, and when I was 'outed' at work, his response was that no one could tell that I was pregnant by looking at me. WTF??? I was almost 11 w, and the school secretary told me I was obviously pregnant, yet he was basically telling me that I was fat??? It was not a good time to be him.

Since the u/s, things seem to have changed for him, and I imagine that labour and delivery will be a real eye opener for him. Now he's patting my belly and talking about all the things he's going to do with "the boy." Yesterday was the first time I heard him tell a neighbour - that's a big step for him.

Not a lot has changed for him - I still take care of the household stuff because I enjoy doing it. I've had to come back and apologize once or twice for being hormonal and insane - so he's seen that side of things.

I agree that you need to be specific in asking for certain things; men don't always understand the generic "I need help" statement. My DH will happily comply if I ask for him to do a specific task because he knows what I need.

[achi]

I will say that my H has been mostly supportive, but now that shit is starting to get real and we're having to downsize the amount of stuff in our condo to make room for baby it's been a bit of an adjustment for him.

With the GD diagnosis he's been really helpful, but he still doesn't really "get" how hard pregnancy really is and how all-consuming it becomes.

I think he's also a bit jealous that I get a year off for maternity leave and is working through those emotions. He once referred to it as a year long "vacation." Um ya, we had a long chat about that comment.

[emoflamingo]

The first pregnancy is hard. They get better with subsequent pregnancies.

[HoneySpider]

My H has been awesome so far, I think with everything we've been through to get to this point, we're really in this together and he is extra aware of making sure I'm healthy and happy, which right now basically means taking more naps

[jennistarr1]

Sigh... He kind of alternated...

he was instrumental in getting stuff done around the house to prep for baby and was very complimentary of my appearance and always asking me how I was feeling, suggesting I rest, carrying things for me

but at times he was shitty...even during labor he screamed at me when I ask him to get me something...there was definitely hurtful things I can remember him saying, pretty awful...

[jennistarr1]

He also wouldn't have sex with me like at all during the last trimester. I was very vocal about how hurtful that was and literally begged him for it. I tried to empathize with the stupid I will hurt the baby thoughts but kept saying that he needed to man up and get over it....he never did, it still hurts

[yourmother]

I'm so thankful this post was made. I'm in my final stretches and I'm in PAIN. My DH was recently diagnosed with arthritis and his hands hurt too. We are both preoccupied with our own pain. Plus, he's been unemployed since January and already suffers from major depression. Needless to say, he's had his good moments and his bad ones. I've just been trucking along, trying to keep it all in perspective and not take his aloofness personally.

There are so many layers to our relationship right now and I was wondering if I'm missing out on super supportive partnership or if this is normal. I asked my boss (who is more like a BFF) how he behaved, and like others have said here, he said that it wasn't real for him until the baby was here. That was reassuring to me, knowing that this may be more of a guy thing and less of me marrying an insensitive guy.

On the other hand, my DH has been awesome with regard to keeping our house clean and setting up Baby's gear and nursery. He's also indulged me on my pigging out and doesn't say a WORD about my weight gain. He just tells me that I should indulge and not worry about it, that we will get back to eating well after we get settled with Baby.

I just wish he wanted to touch my belly and talk to our baby. He will will touch my belly if I ask him to, he just doesn't come right out and do it on his own. Also, he sleeps in the living room because I'm apparently a loud snorer while pregnant and he's an insomniac. :/

[jsillyfun]

Dh is very emotionally supportive but it's been tough on me doing most of the housework and childcare for our 3 yr old. Last time he worked from home so he did all the cooking and helped clean but now he has a job with long hours and a long commute so help has been minimal. Luckily he has 2 months off when the baby is born. I know he will help then but I think it will still end up being me doing everything for the baby while he deals with our demanding 3 yr old.

[Deleted]

At first my H was like, I will help you with errrrrything! But then he got a man cold and he forgot about that lol. I felt fine that week, though.

Last week this god-awful congestion kicked in, along with nausea. And no matter what I eat, it gives me indigestion. I'm hungry, but then nothing sounds good. I'm also super tired and can sleep all day. H is like, it can't be that bad. But then he took a dump while I took a shower, and when I stepped out of the shower the smell assaulted me so bad that I retched a few times. He believes me now lol.

His snoring, which has never bothered me before, now drives me insane . So I've been forcing him to sleep on the couch. He doesn't mind it, in fact he's quite comfortable there. I feel like I'm in the invasion of the body snatchers and I have been taken over.  On Tues I'm going to the doc for some bloodwork and then will get to see an obgyn.

ETA: I'm 7 weeks today. 

[speyedr]

I am really lucky and H has been really great through both pregnancies. He has stepped up big time to help out, but he does a lot anyways around the house. We have a 13 month old and he has taken over a lot with her because at almost 35 weeks it's getting really hard to do a lot. I SAH 90% of the time and he tells me all the time that being home with her is harder than his job and I need to relax and he then picks up the slack.

It's hard for men to grasp what is going on because they aren't experiencing it first hand and I hope that he comes around and becomes more supportive.

[brandienee]

H has been mostly supportive. He doesn't know how to handle my mood swings. Hell, I don't know how to handle my mood swings. He tends to treat me like a poor baby and it just makes me feel dumb. Stupid. And some things he does just pisses me off.

But, when he is home, he has been helping out more in the house and cleaning the litter box. He has been a great rock to lean on but he isn't perfect.

[humpforfree]

He's pretty clueless. He doesn't have much empathy in the first place and is definitely not a sensitive person in general, so yeah. First tri he was pretty good when I was so nauseous and tired. He would help with supper and take over baby duty, but it's like now that I am not nauseous and in second tri, everything should be back to normal? Uh no. Still growing a human. Just today he sasses me about taking a nap every day. Sorry dude, but I am chasing a one year old all day every day, trying (and succeeding!) to get into a workout routine and STILL growing a human, in addition to all of the household duties since I SAH.
Last time he didn't move when I needed to go to work and my car was buried in several inches of snow. At 27 weeks I shoveled my car out. I then had contractions/cramping that morning and told him so. I've been trying to bee better this time about relaxing when I can to not do that, and also tell him to help me with stuff, but I can tell he thinks I am exaggerating.