Another option, if you're in credit card debt from your ex, why don't you file bankrutpcy? Get rid of the debt and start fresh. It's not as bad as what people generally think. (I work in a bankruptcy law firm and have filed myself years ago). But I agree with other people, moving in with J is a horrible decision. You are not taking care of you, you are doing what other people want you to do - you clearly stated that your mom agrees that you should move in with J - its absurd that she would even mention that knowing your mental state. It would be me moving back in with my ex knowing that he abused me in the past - you would think as a parent they would want to protect you and living with a man you've know for 5 months or whatever is just a mistake. Make your own decisions - stop being a push over and letting other people make (bad) decisions on your behalf. And for the love of god, stop making BS excuses! Talk to your therapist about this..don't jump the gun and move in before thinking this through with a clear head or you'll be back in here in a few months bitching about what fucked up mistake you made and blah blah blah.
Look, I feel like you have been trying to get better, but you aren't better yet. Moving in with an SO is a really bad idea when you are not emotionally stable. You casn say "Oh, I have a spare room there if I freak out" but what if shit hits the fan? What if he hits you? WHere will you go, since you claim you have no other options? Do you see how you are painting yourself in a corner here? You need to get healthy yourself FOR yourself before you do something like this. It really scares me that this guy could totally take advantage of you and there is nothing you can do if you live there. You thought your XBF was a good guy too.
Do whatever you think is best now but regardless, make a plan on how you will eventually be more independent, financially, emotionally, physically. Independence will allow you to make the best decisions for yourself but once you rely on others, your judgement can get cloudy.
You don't want to over-rely on anyone, not a guy, not family, not friends. Plus it will make you feel so good about yourself when you can take care of yourself and be on your own again. I don't know your situation but usually moving in with someone because you need financial support or emotional support is not the best decision. But if it's an emergency and no other option exists, then at least plan have some rules in place and start planning on how you will move out. Also, have lots of backup plans if things go sour.
Maybe the tone is condescending because you have shot down every suggestion or comment that anyone has given. Maybe the tone is that way because you continue to make very poor choices and when people call you on them and you try and justify them all with double talk. Maybe the comments are condescending because you continue on this cycle of bad choices, but most of all maybe you think they are condescending because you dont want to hear the truth!
What would you do in this situation if you didn't have a boyfriend?
But, being that you've already made up your mind, the best you can do at this point is to make it a temporary situation. Get your financial life in order, and go find your own place again. It doesn't sound like your parents have the best decision-making skills either since they're pushing you into this rotten one and supporting your brother after his own rotten decisions. A boyfriend is not supposed to be a caretaker, and assigning him that role is going to ruin any kind of equitable, healthy relationship you hope to have. It's a one-way ticket straight back to Codependenceville.
I don't know where you live, but in a lot of places it's VERY difficult to kick out a renter. Landlords will tell you that you have to be out in two weeks, but there's not much they can do about it if you aren't. Look into renters' rights in your state and see what your options are. I'm not saying it'll provide a long-term solution, but you may be entitled to more time than you think. Then you could catch your breath and figure out what you want to do.
Post by liubotflittyfud on Aug 15, 2012 10:09:10 GMT -5
Small update. I will be subletting my cousin's apartment while she is in Finland for a month. My aunt is actually going to help me out with money until she comes home and I can figure this out further. I have bad anxiety issues and this just put me over the edge. Now I have a full month to figure out what to do. I am applying for second jobs and trying really hard. Thank you for your suggestions as they are really helpful. I'm not as big of a shit show as everyone thinks I am. I have a hard time making decisions.
Small update. I will be subletting my cousin's apartment while she is in Finland for a month. My aunt is actually going to help me out with money until she comes home and I can figure this out further. I have bad anxiety issues and this just put me over the edge. Now I have a full month to figure out what to do. I am applying for second jobs and trying really hard. Thank you for your suggestions as they are really helpful. I'm not as big of a shit show as everyone thinks I am. I have a hard time making decisions.
This is not a small update! That's awesome! Good for you.
Small update. I will be subletting my cousin's apartment while she is in Finland for a month. My aunt is actually going to help me out with money until she comes home and I can figure this out further. I have bad anxiety issues and this just put me over the edge. Now I have a full month to figure out what to do. I am applying for second jobs and trying really hard. Thank you for your suggestions as they are really helpful. I'm not as big of a shit show as everyone thinks I am. I have a hard time making decisions.
This is not a small update! That's awesome! Good for you.
This is really awesome news. I'm really glad you found another option, and that you start to feel less anxious soon.
Small update. I will be subletting my cousin's apartment while she is in Finland for a month. My aunt is actually going to help me out with money until she comes home and I can figure this out further. I have bad anxiety issues and this just put me over the edge. Now I have a full month to figure out what to do. I am applying for second jobs and trying really hard. Thank you for your suggestions as they are really helpful. I'm not as big of a shit show as everyone thinks I am. I have a hard time making decisions.
Good for you. You are growing and working on yourself. Don't let minor setbacks throw you off track!
Post by wrathofkuus on Aug 15, 2012 10:29:08 GMT -5
So what you're saying is, the guy who latched onto you when he found out that you just got out of an abusive relationship and pressured you into a new relationship after you repeatedly said you weren't ready, is now pressuring you to move in with him and getting your parents to put on the pressure with him even though you don't want to.
I see that you found somewhere else to live, and that's great, but seriously, you need to ditch Velcro Boy. He's bad news.
Post by kellbell191 on Aug 15, 2012 11:00:01 GMT -5
I agree with kuus that this guy is not good for you long term.
I have hope for you. I also have a tendency to panic and run through the Nest screaming with my hands up when something throws me for a loop, then calm down, find a solution and feel embarrassed. The thing is that you do seem to have a lot of excuses for why totally reasonable solutions won't work for you. In the end, I think you will only truly get better when you fully admit the depth of your emotional health issues and aggressively seek help for them, rather than using them as excuses. My MIL is very much like this, budgets to the dollar, any unusual budget issue throws her for a loop, then she blames it all on divorce 20+ years ago or her mental health issues. She is a wonderful person but her life is so full of anxiety and uncertainty because of this and it prevents her from being a fully happy, healthy person. Until she, and you, stop using the financial issues and mental health issues as your crutch or excuse, they'll continue to cripple you. You can't budget to the dollar anymore, with tattoos and piercings as what you spend your savings on. You need to start creating some kind of emergency cushion for yourself. There will always be some unexpected life events, you need to plan for those also.
Really any second job is good. I am paying someone $50 to stay at my house and watch my dogs and eat my food this weekend. That would kill 2 birds with one stone if you can find a more long term gig: free place to stay and a little extra $.
So what you're saying is, the guy who latched onto you when he found out that you just got out of an abusive relationship and pressured you into a new relationship after you repeatedly said you weren't ready, is now pressuring you to move in with him and getting your parents to put on the pressure with him even though you don't want to.
I see that you found somewhere else to live, and that's great, but seriously, you need to ditch Velcro Boy. He's bad news.
This was my thought process exactly. Once he got you in a situation you couldn't easily get out of, who knows what would happen. You claim he understands your issues, but if he really did, he would have given you spce post break up. He wouldn't have pressured you into a relationship and he wouldn't think moving in was a good idea, but instead helping you find better solutions. He doesn't understand your issues-clearly.
Post by explorer2001 on Aug 15, 2012 11:04:41 GMT -5
Since you are subletting your cousins place, could your cousin be your roommate when she gets back? You know her, she knows you, etc. It eliminates a lot of roommate drama and risk right there.
So what you're saying is, the guy who latched onto you when he found out that you just got out of an abusive relationship and pressured you into a new relationship after you repeatedly said you weren't ready, is now pressuring you to move in with him and getting your parents to put on the pressure with him even though you don't want to.
I see that you found somewhere else to live, and that's great, but seriously, you need to ditch Velcro Boy. He's bad news.
This was my thought process exactly. Once he got you in a situation you couldn't easily get out of, who knows what would happen. You claim he understands your issues, but if he really did, he would have given you spce post break up. He wouldn't have pressured you into a relationship and he wouldn't think moving in was a good idea, but instead helping you find better solutions. He doesn't understand your issues-clearly.
Oh, I think he understands her issues VERY well. In fact, her issues were exactly what he was looking for in a victim, um, I mean, girlfriend.
So what you're saying is, the guy who latched onto you when he found out that you just got out of an abusive relationship and pressured you into a new relationship after you repeatedly said you weren't ready, is now pressuring you to move in with him and getting your parents to put on the pressure with him even though you don't want to.
I see that you found somewhere else to live, and that's great, but seriously, you need to ditch Velcro Boy. He's bad news.
This was my thought process exactly. Once he got you in a situation you couldn't easily get out of, who knows what would happen. You claim he understands your issues, but if he really did, he would have given you spce post break up. He wouldn't have pressured you into a relationship and he wouldn't think moving in was a good idea, but instead helping you find better solutions. He doesn't understand your issues-clearly.
I echo this and have to add that someone like this can only come into your life if YOU let him, and if you're in a vulnerable position.
He reminds me of XH in some ways, pushing constantly and not respecting boundaries, taking no for an answer, etc. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Doesn't it seem strange to you that someone would WANT to be in a relationship with you AND move in with you when they had to push you into these things? Wouldn't a more healthy, grounded person think "wait a second, I really like her, but clearly she's not ready for what I want. I care about her so I will wait until the timing is right"? But not this guy, he seems hell bent on locking you into everything you can while you are in a weak and vulnerable place. This is a VERY bad sign indeed. Pay attention to that and don't fall victim to this type of behavior.
This is why we've warned you time and time again about being in a relationship when you are not ready.
I agree here. Your boyfriend is bad for you, no matter what you tell us. We can sense the predator from 1,000 miles away. The guy pressured you into a relationship with him and now this. And he even convinced your parents this was a good idea! RED FLAG.
Small update. I will be subletting my cousin's apartment while she is in Finland for a month. My aunt is actually going to help me out with money until she comes home and I can figure this out further. I have bad anxiety issues and this just put me over the edge. Now I have a full month to figure out what to do. I am applying for second jobs and trying really hard. Thank you for your suggestions as they are really helpful. I'm not as big of a shit show as everyone thinks I am. I have a hard time making decisions.
I deal with anxiety issues too (I take medication for this) so I share the same pain. This is what I tell myself, it may be of any help to you or not... If I feel anxiety or panicking worsen after making a decision in my head, I know that is not the right way to go. I breathe better and able to go move forward when I know I am making the healthiest choice for myself on my own pace. This is much harder to decipher when you are between a rock and a hard place where it is easy to pick the easiest solution at the moment and not for the big picture. The hard times, I want to push the big red “easy” button.