NCEPR: WWPCED?

[gpw]

So I had a friend a long time ago.  We were super tight.  Did tons of things together, etc.  Friends for like 10 years.  Not long after H and I got married she got a wild hair up her ass, got pissed at me and decided we were no longer friends.  Doesn't speak to me at all.  Ok.  You do you.  I am really good friends with one of her cousins (friends in DC).  I still know her family.  We have numerous friends in common.  

Her dad died.  I LOVED her dad.  LOVED.  I missed him more than I missed my friendship with her.  When he first met H his first words to him were "are you going to marry her or what?"  There is a memorial mass next weekend.  What do I do?  Go?  I don't know if that would piss her off and I don't want to make it any harder for her.  Send a card?  To who?  Her?  


 

[ChillyMcFreeze]

I think I would go You don't have to speak to her, and I wouldn't expect her to speak to you, but she and the family will know you were there. I can't imagine being mad that someone came to support your family through a loss.

[MrsAxilla]

Ug. I'm sorry. The same thing happened to me about ten years ago. My mom lives in the same small town as her family and let me know that her younger sister dies suddenly. I sent flowers addressed to the "Family" with a nice note. She never acknowledged, but her dad friended me on FB and sent me a nice thank you.

[elleblue]

It's a public mass, right? I'd go if you think it'll give you peace but would probably sneak in and sit in the back trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. Let her approach you, or not, as the case may be. I'd also send a condolence card (whether or not I attended the service) but I'd time it to arrive post service so it'd be easy for her ignore if that's what she prefers.

[IIOY]

Send her a card and/or flowers, and attend Mass if that feels like the right thing to do. You can keep a low profile if you like but I'll bet she will appreciate you being there, even if she doesn't say so. A loss tends to change one's perspective on things such as broken friendships.

[pixy0stix]

May 21, 2015 17:36:01 GMT -5 IIOY said:

I'll bet she will appreciate you being there, even if she doesn't say so. A loss tends to change one's perspective on things such as broken friendships.

God no. Don't make a funeral the place to mend bridges.

G, go if you feel like you need to, but I wouldn't try to interact with her.

[cookiemdough]

Are there still actual bad feelings? Or is it just more that you guys just didn't choose to reach back out to each other? If it is the former just send a card and flowers. If the latter I would go to the service especially if you still interact with some of her family.

[gpw]

Well, I did just send her a FB message (we're not FB friends) but just told her that I was sorry for her loss and I was thinking of her and her family. I know she saw it...but she quickly marked it unread. Which is totally ok, I don't expect her to respond. I don't expect to mend fences (and I'm not really sure I want to, TBH).

My heart tells me to go and just sneak in and take a seat in the back. I would like to give my condolences to her brothers and their wives/kids, but....I don't know if it's worth upsetting her.

[gpw]

May 21, 2015 17:45:28 GMT -5 cookiemdough said:

Are there still actual bad feelings? Or is it just more that you guys just didn't choose to reach back out to each other? If it is the former just send a card and flowers. If the latter I would go to the service especially if you still interact with some of her family.

I don't hold bad feelings (but I don't think I really want to be friends again, either) but I would venture a guess, just know how she is, that she does.  

[emilyj]

I would go and sit in the back. You don't have to interact with her at all. I'm sure you could discretely give your condolences to her brothers.

[gpw]

May 21, 2015 17:48:37 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley1 said:

Are you actually still friends with any of her family--as in, you see them socially or visit? If not, I would just send a card and flowers to one or all of the brothers.

Yes.  I am very good friends with her cousin (who lives in DC).  The two are pretty close.  This is pretty close knit family in terms of aunts/uncles/cousins being pretty close. 

[SallyJ]

Funerals are for the grieving. If you need to go for you, then go. You can send flowers/cards to family and friends after or before to give your condolences.

[IIOY]

May 21, 2015 17:38:09 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

May 21, 2015 17:36:01 GMT -5 IIOY said:

I'll bet she will appreciate you being there, even if she doesn't say so. A loss tends to change one's perspective on things such as broken friendships.

God no. Don't make a funeral the place to mend bridges.

G, go if you feel like you need to, but I wouldn't try to interact with her.

I'm not at all suggesting she go for the sake of salvaging the friendship, or try to force interaction with her. She should go to pay her respects if the deceased is important to her.

[gpw]

May 21, 2015 17:57:16 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley1 said:

May 21, 2015 17:50:51 GMT -5 gpw said:

Yes.  I am very good friends with her cousin (who lives in DC).  The two are pretty close.  This is pretty close knit family in terms of aunts/uncles/cousins being pretty close. 

Then, I guess, if you would have gone to support your friend's uncles' passing without the other situation, it's fine to go.

I think the way I feel is more than that.  I truly feel sad.  I really did love her dad.  I feel like it wouldn't be going to my friend's uncles' service, but going to a service for someone I cared about, you know?  My hesitancy is trying to be sensitive to her hurt and not wanting to do anything to make it worse.

[laurenpetro]

I'd go. I had then former friends come to my step-father's wake and funeral and it meant more to me than I ever would have imagined.

[Deleted]

Go, but go for the express purpose of grieving and without any other agenda. If reconciliation is something she wants, she can take that step or not.

[orangeblossom]

IMO, funerals are for the living. I would go.

I will always cherish the memory of my friends coming to mother's funeral. Some I hadn't seen in years. I was truly touched, and really quite frankly, shocked, that some of them took off of work to come.

[StrawberryBlondie]

I'd go to pay your respects to the deceased but not try to interact with her unless she initiates it.

[secretlyevil]

May 21, 2015 17:47:38 GMT -5 emilyj said:

I would go and sit in the back. You don't have to interact with her at all. I'm sure you could discretely give your condolences to her brothers.

This is what I think too.

[redheadbaker]

I would go, but not interact with your ex friend.

[ECB]

I would go and try to keep a low profile. I wouldn't worry much about talking to the family. If it turns out you feel o.k. doing it, then do so. But if it feels weird, you can send condolence cards to them afterwards.

[twotrue]

I'm sorry you've lost someone you care about.

Sent from my SM-G900V using proboards

[starlily]

I would go to the memorial mass. You don't have to talk to her, and I probably wouldn't if I were you. It should be easy enough to slip into the back of the church.

Many times there's a guest book it in the vestibule. You can leave a brief message in there for the family if you want to express your condolences.

[gpw]

Thanks everyone. It helped to talk about it to think through it. The service isn't until a week from tomorrow, so I have time to decide, but I will probably go and make myself inconspicuous.

[downtoearth]

May 21, 2015 18:02:15 GMT -5 gpw said:

May 21, 2015 17:57:16 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley1 said:

Then, I guess, if you would have gone to support your friend's uncles' passing without the other situation, it's fine to go.

I think the way I feel is more than that.  I truly feel sad.  I really did love her dad.  I feel like it wouldn't be going to my friend's uncles' service, but going to a service for someone I cared about, you know?  My hesitancy is trying to be sensitive to her hurt and not wanting to do anything to make it worse.

This is very sweet, but I think if you can get closure without attending, then I'd skip it and send a card to the cousin and maybe to the wife or siblings of your former friend.  If the cousin was mad at you, not the daughter, I think I'd go, but being that it's a daughter and you know this is hard on her, I'd skip.

[Deleted]

I'd go. This isn't about her. It's about her father and the love you have for him.

Given her response or lack of one to your message, I would just keep somewhere to the back and get in and get out.

[NitaX]

You go to honor her dad. It's about paying respects to him and honoring his life.
Not how she feels about a friendship that she left.