Post by alterego25 on May 26, 2015 18:41:46 GMT -5
Hello all, I'm a frequent lurker that knows you will all be honest with me so I'm looking for some advice.
BF and I are looking to purchase a new (to us) home. Technically BF will be purchasing the home. We currently live together in a home he owns and I contribute to household expenses. We will keep this same set up if we move. We have been together for quite some time and have discussed our future. We both see this long term.
We have toured a house that he is very interested in and is planning on putting in an offer. I am not a huge fan of the house. It is doable (with A LOT of work), but it just isn't really where I pictured myself for the rest of my life.
I have also found a house online that I am interested in and have mentioned to him. He isn't even interested in looking at the house. Every time I bring it up he has some lame excuse as to why we can't look at it ("we're busy this weekend" "I mentioned it to the real estate agent, but she hasn't gotten back to me" etc.)
I'm feeling brushed off and like my opinions don't matter. Maybe I'm not justified in feeling this way since I will not be the one paying for the house. Yes, I could walk away from this relationship tomorrow and it would be his responsibility, but I just feel like if we are planning for OUR future then he should consider my thoughts some?
He has asked for my opinion on the house he likes and I just want to say what does it matter? I've given my thoughts (I want to check out this other house) and its been ignored.
Do I have any right to feel this way or should I just go along since I am not the one investing in it?
Have you discussed marriage and combining finances specifically? I think that if he is serious about a future with you, he should consider your opinions. However, if you aren't at that stage yet, then I think it's fair for him to choose the house he likes best. If you are at that stage, then why aren't you purchasing the house together with your name on the mortgage?
Sounds like maybe you need to have a conversation about your relationship.
Post by ginandjucie24 on May 26, 2015 18:52:05 GMT -5
I think you have every right to feel like you have been brushed off. Your opinion matters as well as his. You are a contributing to household and lifestyle expenses.
For myself I would see his actions as red flags that you two are not on the same page. If he is going into this as he is paying so he gets to decided and make all the dessicions and you don't matter, it might be time for a talk with him.
If you don't see this house as your forever home and see yourself making a life in the home you will not feel connected to it and could breed resientment.
I would be upset. He had every right to pick the house he wants since his name will be on it but he could at least look at the place you like. It'll take like 30 minutes out of his day. I think he could give you the courtesy of looking at it and considering it.
Yeah, I think some more conversations need to be had about your relationship and where it's going. Why aren't you buying the house with him, by the way? Who made this decision, actually?
Post by alterego25 on May 26, 2015 19:03:48 GMT -5
Neither of us believe in marriage and I am not comfortable making such a large purchase with someone I have no legal commitment with. Should this not work out, I would not be able to afford that particular home on my income. He has inheritance to pay for the home should he lose his job.
Post by pantsparty on May 26, 2015 19:08:07 GMT -5
I wouldn't say to anyone, "You should get married!" but not being married does make this complicated.
Will the house be in your name at all? What happens if, god forbid, he passes? Wouldn't he want you to have that financial security?
Not believing in marriage is one thing, avoiding conversations about your future and not behaving like a couple are another. If the both of you see yourselves together long-term, this is a decision you should make together.
I'm torn. I get feeling like he doesn't care about what you want but I think if you aren't investing it's because you or He or both aren't interested in that kind of commitment to one and other. You have a clean break on the table at all times. At the end of the day, the risk and responsibility are his to bear while you can walk away without the courtesy of a months rent if you really wanted.
To me this arrangement would be different if you intended to never contribute financially because of a SAH arrangement and with the understanding that you were going in this together (and in which case financial reasons would be more the cause of you not being on title). I may have misinterpreted you but it seems like what you've described is about commitment.
Neither of us believe in marriage and I am not comfortable making such a large purchase with someone I have no legal commitment with. Should this not work out, I would not be able to afford that particular home on my income. He has inheritance to pay for the home should he lose his job.
I was about to be outraged on your behalf, but with this update I'm on his team.
I do think he should consider the house you want, but if it's not what HE is looking for - I don't blame him for wanting to buy the house he wants if he is the only one on the hook for it. It doesn't sound like you are both committed to this relationship being "forever". If he is running the risk that you're not always going to be there, he really should be investing his money in a house he wants.
Neither of us believe in marriage and I am not comfortable making such a large purchase with someone I have no legal commitment with. Should this not work out, I would not be able to afford that particular home on my income. He has inheritance to pay for the home should he lose his job.
This makes little sense to me. You don't believe in marriage, but you don't believe in purchasing a home if you aren't married?
I change my above answer. So, basically, you have no say in the house he purchases and he doesn't care because he knows where you stand together. You can be annoyed, but this sounds like it is by your own choosing.
I don't believe in purchasing it together. We are more comfortable with one of us purchasing. Based on the cost of where we are looking, it will be him that will be purchasing.
If he expects you to live in that house long term, he will take your opinion into consideration.
Exactly. While technically you have no real say since you aren't the one buying the house, it speaks volumes that he won't even listen to your thoughts or opinions.
Post by Captain Serious on May 26, 2015 19:12:10 GMT -5
I was in a similar situation one with a man I dated for 8 years. He's an ex-boyfriend now, and looking back, I understand the way he handled decisions like this were indicative of the fact that he couldn't completely commit to me. Take my experience for what it's worth.
Neither of us believe in marriage and I am not comfortable making such a large purchase with someone I have no legal commitment with. Should this not work out, I would not be able to afford that particular home on my income. He has inheritance to pay for the home should he lose his job.
I was about to be outraged on your behalf, but with this update I'm on his team.
I do think he should consider the house you want, but if it's not what HE is looking for - I don't blame him for wanting to buy the house he wants if he is the only one on the hook for it. It doesn't sound like you are both committed to this relationship being "forever". If he is running the risk that you're not always going to be there, he really should be investing his money in a house he wants.
I completely agree with this. At the end of the day it is his decision and his money, so his choice. I was more upset at the fact that he wouldn't even CONSIDER something that I liked. Wouldn't even "entertain" me by looking at it.
Post by Captain Serious on May 26, 2015 19:16:50 GMT -5
Also, I think it's worth noting that when my ex bought a house while we were dating, he wanted my opinion on the house he liked, but made all the final decisions himself, no matter how vehemently I disagreed.
By contrast, when my husband and I was dating and I moved to be near him, he was going to buy a house closer to my new job for me to live in while we saw what part our relationship would take. He gave me near complete autonomy in deciding on locations and what houses I liked.
I was about to be outraged on your behalf, but with this update I'm on his team.
I do think he should consider the house you want, but if it's not what HE is looking for - I don't blame him for wanting to buy the house he wants if he is the only one on the hook for it. It doesn't sound like you are both committed to this relationship being "forever". If he is running the risk that you're not always going to be there, he really should be investing his money in a house he wants.
I completely agree with this. At the end of the day it is his decision and his money, so his choice. I was more upset at the fact that he wouldn't even CONSIDER something that I liked. Wouldn't even "entertain" me by looking at it.
And that's what's most concerning imho. It's not that he'll ultimately make the final decision, it's that he won't even consider you while making it. That does not bode well for a committed relationship.
Neither of us believe in marriage and I am not comfortable making such a large purchase with someone I have no legal commitment with. Should this not work out, I would not be able to afford that particular home on my income. He has inheritance to pay for the home should he lose his job.
You sound as invested in this relationship as he does.
Post by shopgirl07 on May 26, 2015 19:18:37 GMT -5
This is why I pretty much think all these ae's are MUD.
The way its first presented is intended to get everyone on her side and properly outaged. Oh but then, the details come out. Doesn't believe in marriage, won't buy a house without marriage, can't afford the house anyway, but the boyfriend should totes buy the house she wants. Sounds legit.
Eh, we did the same thing when we bought before we were married. Bought in my name only since there was no legal commitment.
I wasn't saying that they necessarily should buy it together. I genuinely wanted to know the answer to the question. Does OP have troubled finances? Is the future of the relationship uncertain? Did he outright say no? Just trying to understand the situation.