Not CEP related - rate my birthday poem?

[SwimDeep]

I posted this over on my home board, but most people over there aren't usually on right now, so I thought I'd pop over here and ask the same question. On a scale of 'eh' to "OMG TO MUCH CHEESE" how do you rate the following poem?

*backstory - H and I are going to buy my MIL a microwave for her birthday...because she's been asking for one for months.
ok...here we go...

The Duchess of *****in
Looks after her kin
And weathers all storms that blow through

No matter the season
She finds no reason
Not to care for those she loves true

In a long-assed attempt
To make up for no rent
Two bought her a shiny new tool

There will be no refusal
Nor any recusal
This is the least that these two can do


What do you think? Give it to me straight!

[pixy0stix]

So is this a birthday gift, or a "sorry we're free-loading" gift?

[pixy0stix]

Also, long-assed? Do you mean half-assed?

[SwimDeep]

May 27, 2015 16:47:23 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

So is this a birthday gift, or a "sorry we're free-loading" gift?

ouch, lol - it's a birthday gift. We're not free-loading. We're actually covering half the bills while we're here. She could charge us rent on top of that but she's been very generous not to.

Thanks for pointing that out, though...I want it to come across as an actual gift, not an apology.

[elleblue]

May 27, 2015 16:47:23 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

So is this a birthday gift, or a "sorry we're free-loading" gift?

May 27, 2015 16:47:59 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Also, long-assed? Do you mean half-assed?

[Deleted]

May 27, 2015 16:43:53 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

No matter the season
She finds no reason  <-- can you add a syllable here?
Not to care for those she loves true

.......
There will be no refusal <--remove a syllable here?
Nor any recusal
This is the least that these two can do <--remove a syllable here?


What do you think? Give it to me straight!

To stay true to meter, if you can match up the number of syllables/beats, it'll sound better. Know what I mean?

In the words of Billy Mack (ignore the festering turd part, since I think your poem is decent):