Should I take a Xanax and call my aunt?

[MrsAxilla]

I used to be close to my aunt when my bio dad was "lost" somewhere. He turned up back in my aunt's hometown a few years ago. Things between us got awkward, and then my life got kind of complicated and we lost touch. I got a FB message a few months ago that started out "why are you avoiding me??". I didn't even read the rest of the message because I felt defensive and I never responded. She contacted my brother and ask him why I was avoiding her and he said I probably wasn't and gave her my email and phone number. It's been in the back of my mind that I need to call her, but I keep avoiding it because I don't want to deal with the dad situation (although I should). I get anxiety every time I think about it.

She just called and left a VM, which I haven't listened to yet. I'm afraid of the VM - lol! Encourage me! What should I say to her?

[ECB]

What do you mean by "awkward"? And what is the "dad situation"?

[pixy0stix]

I hate talking to people on the phone. Hate.

Anyway, I'd just call and say, "Hey, I'm sorry we lost touch, what have you been up to?"

[MrsAxilla]

Aug 15, 2012 11:47:26 GMT -5 ECB said:

What do you mean by "awkward"? And what is the "dad situation"?

My dad is her brother and once he showed back up, she really pushed for us to reconcile. I tried. I called and emailed him a number of times, but he never responded and one day the email bounced back and the phone was disconnected. She encouraged me to come visit, but I didn't really want to and kept pushing her off.

[emilyj]

I think the most important question is - do you want to talk to her?

As for your dad, does he live with her now? Or would contacting her mean that you would immediately somehow be forced into contact with him? Because if you want to talk to her, but not deal with the dad stuff, then maybe call her and say "I'm sorry we lost touch, and I want to talk to you, but I need you to respect that I don't want any part of Dad right now, and just want to have a relationship with you."

That's really tough...I'm sorry.

[ECB]

Thanks- that helps. Clearly on some level, you ARE avoiding her! Call her, just say "hi", it's been awhile, how are you - blah blah blah.

If she brings it up and wonders why you're avoiding her, I'd be briefly honest - that's not entirely the situation, life has been really crazy lately. But - at the same time, the pressure to reconcile was difficult, especially as your father clearly didn't want to. You want to reconnect w/ her, but you can only move forward with that if she lets the issue of your dad and reconciliation go. It's too stressful otherwise.

She actually needs to "get it" that this isn't something she can force! And she needs to back off.

[aw]

It doesn't hurt to listen to the message and call her back. If the conversation becomes uncomfortable you can find an excuse to get off of the phone and then you don't have to call her again.

[ECB]

Aug 15, 2012 11:59:20 GMT -5 emilyj said:

I think the most important question is - do you want to talk to her?

And actually - this is where you need to start. The impression I get is that you tried to reconcile more because of her than your actual wishes. If you didn't/don't want to reconcile, you don't have to.

AND if you actually don't want to talk to her, you don't have to. You CAN continue to avoid her.

My previous response was assuming you want to talk to her. But if yo udon't.... then don't. Or call her and just say "As long as you force the issue of my dad, I can't talk to you".

[MrsAxilla]

Oh good god! I listened to the VM and she's crying. "I know for whatever reason you're not talking to me....". Fuck me twice.

Is it too early for a stiff drink?

[MrsAxilla]

Clearly I've hurt her feelings and that was never my intention. I'm just thoughtless, I guess...? I would like to talk to her but I'm dreading try to explain.

[MrsAxilla]

Sorry for the profanity, aw.

[Melissa W.]

I am sorry. You've gotten really good advice. I hope you can work through this.

FWIW, I would either practice what you are going to say or write her back.

[aw]

Aug 15, 2012 12:07:27 GMT -5 MrsAxilla said:

Sorry for the profanity, aw.

You don't have to apologize. lol

Sorry about the situation. I think this is one of those things that seems more intense than it is really going to be. The fact that you call her back and tell her there is nothing really wrong will probably instantly make her feel better. Then you can quickly change the subject to something else fun.

But yeah, this probably calls for a stiff drink first.

[ECB]

Aug 15, 2012 12:08:09 GMT -5 Melissa W. said:

FWIW, I would either practice what you are going to say or write her back.

I agree. Or write it out and have it in front of you when you call her.

But honestly- I don't know how much I'd focus on "explaining"! You don't HAVE to explain. Again- that's what I'm getting a feeling of. You do things because other people expect it of you - whether you really want to or not.

Especially because, again, I have a feeling that even i fyou don't see it this way, some of this was avoiding her. I'm sure being pressured to reconcile when you don't want to was hard - and you felt you had to, it didn't work, and you probably just preferred to not have to tlak to her about it and "explain" it more to her.

You don't owe her anything. You really don't.

[MrsAxilla]

You are helping. Thanks. DH agrees with you all and said "it's family. You don't have to explain.".

Ok. I'm going to mix a bloody Mary, then I'm calling. Yes, it is before noon here.

[ECB]

Aug 15, 2012 12:16:42 GMT -5 MrsAxilla said:

You are helping. Thanks. DH agrees with you all and said "it's family. You don't have to explain.".

Ok. I'm going to mix a bloody Mary, then I'm calling. Yes, it is before noon here.

Even if she wasn't family, you still wouldn't have to explain.

And I love that you referred to it being "before noon" instead of "before 5". And as you're talking to me and it's 1:18 here, you're fine anyhow.

[Melissa W.]

I love that it is "before noon" there too.

I've found that with family I have to explain even when they should get it. Because really if they got it they wouldn't be shoving shit down my throat.

[ECB]

Aug 15, 2012 12:20:48 GMT -5 Melissa W. said:

I've found that with family I have to explain even when they should get it. Because really if they got it they wouldn't be shoving shit down my throat.

Yeah, there is that! And I guess that's my conundrum here. MrsAxilla- I feel like YOU feel you owe your aunt an apology, that YOU'RE the one in the wrong.

But - for the fact that your aunt pressured you to do something you may not have wanted to do, SHE is in the wrong and owes you an apology. Not that she'll see it that way.

But I want YOU to see it that way because when you do talk to her, it shouldn't be about you groveling to her. I think it needs to include some you calling her out.

"Yes, aunt, I did avoid you some. You pressured me to reconcile and that was stressful for me so it was easier to just avoid you.".

Make her see that she played a role in this too. It's not all about you!

[ttt]

There's always SlyDial! www.slydial.com/

You can leave her a message, showing you tried to make contact with her, but don't have to actually converse. Win win!

[Melissa W.]

I think I might be projecting on this one.

ECB's advice is spot on.

[MrsAxilla]

The dad situation resolved itself. He's dead.

[ECB]

Aug 15, 2012 12:33:58 GMT -5 MrsAxilla said:

The dad situation resolved itself. He's dead.

I'm sorry.

ETA: Do you think this is why you're aunt is making an effort now?

[Melissa W.]

Oh wow! I'm sorry.

[MrsAxilla]

Apparently he died a week ago but my aunt just found out today when they were finally able to track her down. He was alone in his apartment for some time before. She last saw him two weeks ago.

Not really sure how to feel. I feel bad for him; he isolated himself for whatever reason and while I'm sure he wanted to reconcile, he was too ashamed/regretful/scared/I don't know what to really try. dH encouraged me to reach out again before it was too late and we planned to go visit "next month", but there was always some excuse to to.

The saddest thing: when we made Father's Day cards, Ben asked if he only had three grandpas. I told him he had four but he only met grandpa Mike once. Ben wanted to make him a special card be because grandpa Mike was probably sad that he hadn't seen Ben in a long time. I even posted about it here. I googled for his address and couldn't find it. I should have called my aunt then, but I didn't. He would have really like a card from his only grandson.

[WOT?*]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Please know that you did try your best and the failure was on your father to maintain a relationship with his child. I know how you feel with the "I'll see him next week." When my grandmother died I hadn't seen her for several years because she had Alzheimer's, she was sick, she wouldn't know the difference, I didn't have enough vacation and had to use it with the kids...there was always something. Then I got a call Monday morning right before playdate to say she wasn't doing well and then a call after playdate to say she had passed away. My biggest regret is that I didn't make it to see her before she died; I thank the funeral home for holding the service for me because I almost didn't make my plane (overbooked) and I didn't make the service until after it ended (toddler who needed to pee and be fed on the three-hour drive down.) I still have regrets that I didn't do more.

So please, if you ever find yourself second-guessing your decisions, please consider seeing a counselor. Or remind yourself that what was, was and it can't be changed, it can only affect your future decisions should you come upon a similar situation. But don't harbor regrets for choices made the past.

Which is why took time to visit my dad for a week last year and two weeks this year before he passed away, even if he never knew I was there this last time. I can honestly say I did my best with him because of the regrets I shared about my grandmother, and I have no (or few) regrets.

I am glad you called your aunt. That showed courage, strength and grace.

[laurenpetro]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through something similar recently and it's not fun.

Hugs to you.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Oh my god, Mrs. A. I am so deeply sorry.

[stephiehun]

MrsA - I'm so sorry for your loss.

[orangeblossom]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[twotrue]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

sent from phone