Need Some Perspective

[anna7602]

It all sounds very hazy right now. I'm kind of with your DH. Why are you killing his dream? Let him look into it and face reality when he learns it's not as easy as he thinks. And if he's lucky enough to find a way to make this happen so soon, then you can figure out what your next step is. Believe me, as someone who just undertook an international move, these things rarely happen overnight. We were in a holding pattern for months as things were negotiated back and forth through DH's employer.

Before then, DH and I had been looking into various options to move abroad for something like five years. There's another opportunity we turned down because it just didn't make sense, but it was good for us to have that decision to make since it helped us refocus our efforts and know what we didn't want.

[anna7602]

ps- I didn't mean to sound harsh. I get that you're feeling stressed and down about this, but as the "dreamer" in my family, I think it sucks when an idea gets shot down before all the facts are available. Sometimes, no matter how crazy or hazy something seems, I just want someone to say, "yeah, let's think about how we can make that happen" instead of "are you serious?" It's a lot easier to be let down when I realize something is unrealistic than to just feel like I don't have the right to even ponder it.

[expatpumpkin]

I'm going to give it to you straight. Sorry. I've lived in four countries (two in Europe) and I've used medical services in all of them. Guess how many American doctors I've come across outside the US? Zero. Reason? Doctors only make a ton of money IN the States.

I cannot see how it's feasible for the two of you to pay off nearly 300K in combined student loan debt plus have kids on an international doctor's salary. It's like he chose the EXACT WRONG CAREER to go into massive debt for if he wanted to work abroad

I sincerely hope you can make it work, but I just can't see how. Unless he can do some sort of program that does loan forgiveness... Think Doctors without Borders, etc. Or join the military and get stationed abroad?

[vanillacourage]

I would look into programs where your student loans are forgiven if you do a certain job for a certain number of years. DH's cousin is in his final year of being a GP doc in a community health center in a semi-small town, at the end of which his med school loans will be wiped clean by the state. If you could find a program like that abroad it would be a perfect fit.

[dulcemariamar]

Aug 16, 2012 17:39:33 GMT -5 expatpumpkin said:

I'm going to give it to you straight. Sorry. I've lived in four countries (two in Europe) and I've used medical services in all of them. Guess how many American doctors I've come across outside the US? Zero. Reason? Doctors only make a ton of money IN the States.

I cannot see how it's feasible for the two of you to pay off nearly 300K in combined student loan debt plus have kids on an international doctor's salary. It's like he chose the EXACT WRONG CAREER to go into massive debt for if he wanted to work abroad

I sincerely hope you can make it work, but I just can't see how. Unless he can do some sort of program that does loan forgiveness... Think Doctors without Borders, etc. Or join the military and get stationed abroad?

This. This is exactly what I wanted to say yesterday. Perhaps, the military could be an option or he could work with doctors without borders

[puppiesandrainbows]

I think I might be alone in my assessment here, but I thought I'd just put it out there.

I don't think this has anything to do with who's "right" in terms of realistic expectations of making his dream work.

He's a doctor, so he's not dumb. Deep down he probably knows his plan is not realistic.

I think the real issue here is that you guys got married young, and he's regretting the marriage now. That regret probably is not personal to you, he probably does love you, but it doesn't change the fact that he made a "permanent" commitment to you that has altered his ability to fully control his future.

Even if he knows his idea isn't realistic, even if you prove it to him with research, he misses the ability to make decisions on his own . Even if he did move abroad, and it turned out to be a stupid mistake, it's his stupid mistake to make. Except that he's married to you so now he isn't free to make the decision.

[Deleted]

Honestly, being married to a medical student means that you need to be prepared to move wherever he gets in to a residency. And surgery can be tough. You knew that going in, right? He is not being selfish about that - just a fact.

Believe me, HE KNOWS the complexities of going to a residency out of the US. He is acting out and you are eating obsessive about it. Honestly, I would let it ride for a while and tell him it sounds great if you both can work it all out. And then let HIM look in to it. Stop putting on a big defense. Because unless he is totally stupid or running from something, it is not going to happen.

[fortmyersbride]

FWIW every physician I have known who did residency abroad had to repeat it when they came to US. I've known a CT surgeon who was in practice for several yrs in India- still had to start over and redo the whole 8 yrs here. Neurosurgeons from Greece and Japan- yep, still had to do the whole 7 yrs. anesthesiologist from Egypt- repeated all the training too. Didn't matter if they'd practiced for 2 yrs or 20 abroad, the US medical system does not readily accept foreign residencies.

And really, if he wants to do ortho he needs to buckle down. He will have to be prepared to go on many interviews and be willing to move.

[Deleted]

The only thing I have to add is that IMO if you are planning to pay down student loans, get careers started AND move abroad, don't plan on having kids for like 10 years.

[Deleted]

Aug 18, 2012 11:25:43 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

The only thing I have to add is that IMO if you are planning to pay down student loans, get careers started AND move abroad, don't plan on having kids for like 10 years.

With 300k in SL debt and currently low paying jobs, I would say more like 15-20 years, especially if you include the desire to build up an efund and be stable before the move. Unless they live with someone's parents rent free and don't have any other expenses.

[Balki.Bartokomous]

My DH is a dreamer, too, so I can relate. He'd talk nonstop about how he wants to go to med school without thinking about how it would affect us, then I'd freak out, etc. Not fun.

Anyway, IME this kind of talk is due to a lack of life experience & knowing what one can reasonably pull off, so adopting a "mmmhmm, sure, honey" attitude has been very helpful for me. You want a boat? Mmmhmm, sure, honey. You want to move back to your home country? Mmmhmm, sure, honey. You want to go to med school? Mmmhmm, sure, honey.

The chances of him making any of that actually happen are, like, 1 in a million. 6 years later, we both have good careers & a very comfortable lifestyle, but none of that crazy stuff has actually come to fruition.

Put the responsibility back on your DH. If he really wants to do that, he needs to map out a realistic plan for the next 15 years that enables you both to have a career and pay off your debts within a reasonable amount of time, and he needs to show you the math behind it all.

10 bucks says that he can't pull it off, and until he does, you have to stop worrying or you'll drive yourself crazy.