Those of you who divorced when your kids were very young

[tiffany81]

This didn't apply to me. DS was 4 when we separated and we immediately split weekends without issue. But I'd think once you are no longer BFing, if you are, then you could start. I'm sure I wouldn't want to be without my baby when he was that young, but I had those same feelings even when he was 4.

If you are both in agreement, maybe just say you'll reassess in 6 months and see if you both are ready to start doing overnights.

[pantsoffdanceoff]

Jun 18, 2015 9:28:42 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

I'm not BF, but she's never been away from me at night. We talked about maybe starting overnights when she's 2?

*not a parent

I think waiting until she is 2 might be harder and more confusing for her. By that time she would understand her schedule and her normal routine and I think starting now (or soon) would be better.

[prettipenny]

We separated while I was still pregnant with our youngest. I exclusively breast fed so that made things hard- he did short visits with her, then longer days when I stopped breastfeeding and started to keep her overnight after she turned 1.

[1confused1]

I agree with everyone, start now so it becomes her normal routine.

Also, it will be hard for you, but I promise it will get easier. The first weekend my kids were away, I didn't leave my bed. Now I look forward to some alone time.

[jellymankelly]

My friend had both her DDs in therapy after her divorce and her therapist suggested 1 night per year of their age. So when she's 1, let her stay over one night at a time, and so on. I've been separated almost 4 years now, and I still don't deal with overnights very well. I rarely stay at home when they are gone for the night, because I don't know what to do with myself at home without them there - so much of my identity at home is tied to parenthood. I'm fine if I stay somewhere else, but being home without the kids is so hard for me. I love the time I get to unwind and not be in charge of anyone else, but it's still hard!

I think part of why it's harder for me is we were separated a long time before they ever stayed overnight with XH. He lived out of state for the first 2.5 years, and would visit the kids and stay with them at our house.

[somersault72]

Our son was young, but not *that* young so we started right away, and we did pretty much 50/50 custody until he was 4 and was doing full-time preschool. He was not quite 2. I think waiting until 1 would be reasonable.

[pinkdutchtulips]

She was 4 when we split and he doesn't get overnights.

[Emerald1486]

DS was a month when we split. We started overnights about a week later. At that point I was exclusively pumping so BFing was not an issue. It took a couple weeks for the transition to settle in, but I think it was easier since he was young. He is nearly 4 now and has no issues going house to house. He has his own stuff at each house so there is no issue of "not having somewhere"

[Deleted]

This is the new normal. I'd start now.

[sacattack]

My DD was just under a year when we split and about 15 months old when we were in separate houses. From the beginning he had her and my DS on Tuesday nights and then every other weekend starting on Saturday morning till Sunday afternoon. As other posters have said, its hard and so tough to imagine, but it is the new normal. You will get accustomed to it and start to look forward to down time.

I agree I'm not sure I'd want them at some strangers house, but I do think staying with at the grandparents is great idea. I was honestly concerned my ex couldn't do it alone, so I was happy when added support was around.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jun 18, 2015 11:34:05 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Jun 18, 2015 11:07:47 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

She was 4 when we split and he doesn't get overnights.

Why no overnights?

I have a custody order in my RO that denies him ANY visitation. He would have to get clean & sober and stay that way for at least a year (maybe more) for me to remotely consider overnight visits

[blanca]

I separated from my ex husband when my daughter was 23 months old. We did overnights right away and it went well. I think every kid/situation is different.

[Deleted]

Jun 18, 2015 9:31:07 GMT -5 @stpete said:

Start now, this young it won't be an issue for long. If you wait until she is older it will be more difficult. I think you may have more anxiety at first than her. Anytime a place is new it is more difficult to get a baby to settle down but after a few weeks it will be normal routine. My youngest was 1.5 when we separated.

Wholeheartedly agree here.  We split when DD was 1.5, too, and we were in a similar care-taking set up as yours, RS.  But she was only thrown off for about a week and remembers nothing but time sharing and having 2 houses with 2 beds.  Our only saving grace is that xH kept to whatever I dictated about bedtime, wake up, potty training, etc.  As long as you both can agree and adhere to the same plan regularly, it won't be a blip on her radar.

[Deleted]

Also, I know somewhere else you posted that if you filed he would react negatively. Emotional pain, as you know, can really make people act out and change what you thought was the set-in-stone plan. PLEASE download the backup-to-gmail app if you haven't already. It saves every text and call to and from, which not only is a cover-your-ass live saver, but also makes it easy to search keywords when he promised to do X and didn't.

[stephreloaded]

I broke up with the ex when I was pregnant with DD. He started getting overnight when she was about a month old. I BF and I would just pump and he would take the frozen milk and have the stash at his place.

I know this might sound very difficult but spending time with a child and bed time routines are part of parenting and the sooner you start, the better.

[katiecj6]

My exFI moved when DS was 13 months. The first couple overnights happened when I had plans for the weekend (a couple weddings that I went to solo), my ex actually stayed at my place for those times.

Around 14 months, he started spending nights at his place and slept in a pack in play. DS was fine and had no trouble adjusting.

Ironically, now that he's almost 6, I am hesitant to let him go and will likely go to court. (DS has been staying at his grandparents during his visits with his dad, and his dad is homeless right now and I don't trust him to make good decisions)

[jenstar]

We separated when DS was nearly 2. I still thought at that age he was a bit young for overnights and stbx did not seem keen anyway, which was fine with me. He did take him a couple of times when I was interstate for work but we were still at the house we shared then so very little disruption for DS.

I always thought he would start doing overnights around 3 as I felt comfortable that he would be able to verbalize his needs better by then but stbx suddenly wanted to have him overnight when he was 2.5 so that's when we started.

Tbh it was a terrible transition period as he was still in a crib at home and went into a big bed at his dads. He was chronically tired for about 4-5 months which really affected his behaviour etc. I went from being able to put him down and walk out the room for both naps and night time to having to stay with him while he falls asleep, 3hr naps to 45 mins etc. It was exhausting for both of us really. I would recommend starting earlier than that lol but I do think the sooner she gets used to it the better for all of you.

I missed DS when he first started the overnights because we had rarely been apart but (partly because of the way things went) now I look forward to that night off each week and having some semblance of my own life!

GL

[thebamker]

My youngest was 10 months and we started right away.

[DirtySouth]

Your child needs her dad as much as her mom, and not having overnight visits will really inhibit bonding with her dad. The overnight visit with him will be much more difficult on you than on her, and she will quickly adjust. I'd start overnights right away if he can do them at his parent's house.

[prettyinpearls]

DS1 was 8 months old when XH moved out and we started an every other weekend schedule immediately. DS1 had absolutely no adjustment issues and he's still on the same schedule at nearly 6 years old.

DS2 is a few months shy of turning 2, and I honestly can't imagine having to disrupt his routine to go stay somewhere else for a weekend. Better to do it sooner than later, IMO. 2 is a rough enough age as it is, no reason to make it worse by turning her schedule upside down.

[cookiemdough]

My youngest was 1 when we separated and oldest was 6. Every other weekend overnights started as soon as he got a place. The sooner the better I think.

[stephreloaded]

Plus, having a night for myself here and there is my definition of heaven. I am not saying that I don't miss DD but I also want time for my self. Win -win.