ripping off the bandaid

[speedracer]

i'm almost ready to do this. I was at this point (looking to move out in May) once before and when push came to shove, he said he would work on some things and we'd try to get back on track. so i gave it a chance.

he's done an alright job, but it's not enough. i know i'm not going to be happy if i stay. i think he's totally deluded about the state of things, he thought he was ok before and probably thinks he's an awesome husband now, and i have a feeling that the "I found a new place to live" convo isn't going to go over well.

Do any of you have tips for me? what to say, what NOT to say?

we have 2 young kids (4 & 2) and he makes 3x my paltry income, so i don't want to make this more difficult than it already is. I'm worried about the $ but i can't let that keep me where i am.

[Bernadine]

Hi! I remember you from ML- I was rakattack.

I'm sorry you're in this position. Are you sure you need to move out of the house? If you'll have the kids the majority of the time, you should be able to stay in the house.

Have you talked to a lawyer? You really should before you move out.

[speedracer]

Aug 16, 2012 12:34:57 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Hi! I remember you from ML- I was rakattack.

I'm sorry you're in this position. Are you sure you need to move out of the house? If you'll have the kids the majority of the time, you should be able to stay in the house.

Have you talked to a lawyer? You really should before you move out.

well we live in a rental house now, and it's too big and i can't afford it anyway - it's 60% of my gross income. i kinda wanted to wait a little closer til our lease is up in march, but the thought of playing house that long makes me stabby.

I should go talk to a lawyer. I was in therapy for a while, we just moved to a new state and so i'm in the awesome position of having no friends or family nearby.

i know that once there is an agreement about child support he will pay it, just getting to that agreement makes me hella nervous.

[speedracer]

Aug 16, 2012 12:33:08 GMT -5 mp said:

Hey girly - haven't seen you in a while. Sorry to hear that you're going through this.

Have you been seeing a therapist? That's my only advice because mine has been incredible at helping me work through my next steps...

hey there, are you separated? i had no idea. nice to see you on here. well, sorta, you know what i mean.

[vajeana]

Hey speedracer! It's j&b, or Jeana, or VaJeana now. Sorry you're here.

If you bring up child support/custody and all that with him, is he willing to talk? If you can have a lot of that lined up before going into the actual divorce, it will save a lot of time and money.

Are you wanting to relocate back to where your family is?

[speedracer]

Aug 16, 2012 12:47:45 GMT -5 vajeana said:

Hey speedracer! It's j&b, or Jeana, or VaJeana now. Sorry you're here.

If you bring up child support/custody and all that with him, is he willing to talk? If you can have a lot of that lined up before going into the actual divorce, it will save a lot of time and money.

Are you wanting to relocate back to where your family is?

i'm going to stay here. i have no idea how to broach the money thing. he is very OCD about money. i'm pretty sure that what i think is fair will likely be more than what he thinks he should have to contribute.

[formerlyak]

They always think they should contribute less than you do. Does your state have child support calculators? If your h is OCD about money, that might help him see all the details and understand the costs and how the state figures it all out.

[vajeana]

Hmmm. Then I would research what the state required minimum for child support is (Illinois, for instance, is 28% when there are 2 kids...such as my case) and bank on knowing you will get that much. That might help you line out a budget.

Some things I asked for:
*exH pays the health insurance premiums, they are under his insurance
*He is required per the divorce to always be responsible for providing their coverage (I did this in part to make sure he kept a job with benefits, because otherwise I know he would have returned to a cash-only job to screw me out of child support all together)
*He is responsible for half of their medical bills for anything not covered by insurance (on this, I wish I would have added a stipulation that if he was NOT current with his part...which he isn't...then he doesn't get to claim one of them on his taxes. Currently, we each claim one of the girls. I got screwed this year because obviously since I'm only claiming one kid, yet paying for all of the childcare expenses...I could only claim the childcare dependent credit for one. Had I made it a stipulation in the agreement that he be current on his half of medical bills, I could have claimed both kids. Ugh.)

I would honestly just start working out YOUR plan and your budget...and how you'd like the custody to be.

And I would stress to him that whatever you do, the kids come first. It isn't easy co-parenting...especially if there are hard feelings.