My BIL asked us for $750 to cover bills this morning. This is going to be long, sorry.
This is the first time he has ever asked for money from us. But I do know that DH's other brother (who is not really in a position to do so) has lent him a lot of money in the past. He has also asked DH's sister and parents, the parents, at least are also not really in a position to give but the do anyway.
We can afford the $750 pretty easily, it will not effect our budget at all and will only divert that extra money from paying off our SLs faster (we have 50K in SLs and it's not high interest so really NBD).
I honestly don't really want to do it, but I feel really guilty, like, almost sick. He is terrible with money, and I know that if we do it this one time, he will likely ask again. He just went through a divorce, and is crashing in someone's home, so, I'm pretty sure these bills are likely for his truck payment..
He's family, but I feel like if we do give him this money we are just enabling him. I feel like if we are going to give him the money we should try to get him into see a financial advisor or at least work with him on a budget but this would be a terribly awkward conversation. He is DH's oldest brother, I just don't know if he would think we are "lecturing him" on his money habits (though, perhaps he should be).
DH and are talking about it tonight, just wanted some opinions from you ladies on what YOU might do.
I might be jaded by my own situation right now, but given how many times he's asked people for money (has he paid them back?), I'd be inclined to just say "sorry, I don't have any money to give you right now"
If the money is for his truck payment I would not pay it. The truck is a luxury he obviously can't afford right now.
If the money is for a bill like rent / electric / water etc... Would it be possible to pay the bill directly instead of giving him the cash? I would be worried the $ wouldn't go toward a bill.
Given his history, I'd tell him no. I've learned that family like this will 1.) never pay you back and 2.) ask for money again and 3.) somehow develop some complex that because you have money you owe them a chunk of it.
So no, if he can't afford things month after month, he needs to make some changes. Or, you could give him the money and say, "This is a lot of money to us and the only time we will be able to help you out financially, have you thought about what you're going to do in regards to your financial situation and asking family for money?" I mean, I don't think that's any more awkward than being a grown adult and asking another adult to pay your bills. If he thinks you're lecturing, well maybe he needs a lecture.
I'm not always ok with lending people money just because they are family. Enabling is huge in my in laws family.
Since he's having a rough time, I'd probably give it to him but make it absolutely clear that it is a gift and it won't happen again. Some thing like "We are okay with helping you out in this situation so we don't expect you to pay us back, but we won't be able to help again."
If the money is for his truck payment I would not pay it. The truck is a luxury he obviously can't afford right now.
If the money is for a bill like rent / electric / water etc... Would it be possible to pay the bill directly instead of giving him the cash? I would be worried the $ wouldn't go toward a bill.
..And this is my feeling as well but I didn't know if I was being unfair. We haven't asked him what the bill is yet, but, he really is not good with money and pays for a lot of luxuries that he can't afford. Since he lives on someone's floor, it's not rent, and I doubt it's utilities related either.
Flygirl, no, he hasn't paid them back, and I know we would never see any repayment for this.
Or you can say "this is a ONE TIME gift. Do not ask us again"
Or you can say "give us a bill that needs to be paid and we'll pay it" (not the truck)
Or you can say "We'll consider lending it if you sit down w/ us and go over your budget and work w/ us to get your budget set and agree to get rid of luxuries you can't afford". But do so realizing it may not make a lick of difference and realize you'll never see the money. And tell him the same thing - after he sits down and you all work on his budget, give him the money but make it clear that this is a ONE TIME gift to help him get his budget in order.
I would not help him. We have been approached by a few people in our family in similar situations. If we gave them money just enabling them to continue be shitty with money. Sometimes people need to fall on their faces to really know and understand their money situation.
Given his history, I'd tell him no. I've learned that family like this will 1.) never pay you back and 2.) ask for money again and 3.) somehow develop some complex that because you have money you owe them a chunk of it.
So no, if he can't afford things month after month, he needs to make some changes. Or, you could give him the money and say, "This is a lot of money to us and the only time we will be able to help you out financially, have you thought about what you're going to do in regards to your financial situation and asking family for money?" I mean, I don't think that's any more awkward than being a grown adult and asking another adult to pay your bills. If he thinks you're lecturing, well maybe he needs a lecture.
This is my fear :-(. And your 3rd point is almost why I feel guilty! We have money, he doesn't, other people have loaned him money that they don't have, and I feel like such a jerk for being "selfish"... I know that this is completely backwards but I can't shake it.
To answer some of the others questions. He does have a job currently, he is a millright (sp?) and probably works 3/4 of year on a consistent basis. Of course he doesn't budget for not having work that other 1/4 of the year..
Post by mrsjuleshs on Aug 16, 2012 12:57:33 GMT -5
no way in hell would I lend him the money. He is an adult and this is caused by poor choices, not a geniune emergency. He can figure it out on his own.
We have money, he doesn't, other people have loaned him money that they don't have, and I feel like such a jerk for being "selfish"...
That's on those people, though. They are lending money they don't have. That is NOT your responsibility and doesn't now mean you have to do the same thing.
Another question - has anyone else, when ledning him money, pushed him on his budget and why he needs help? As he's asking for $$, if no one else has pushed back, I would do at least that. "Why do you need it? What are you going to do in order to not ask us again?".
It's a long, long, long shot- but just being called out on it might shake him up a little.
Post by vanillacourage on Aug 16, 2012 13:07:39 GMT -5
Given that you are already questioning what he spends his money on, I wouldn't. Even if you make it a gift, you're always going to be looking at a new outfit he bought, hearing about a night he has out with friends, etc and inwardly seething that that money could have gone to pay you back or have been otherwise put to better use, and that will only hurt your relationship. I would just tell him sorry, no - and stay completely out of his financial life.
Post by explorer2001 on Aug 16, 2012 13:08:28 GMT -5
I skipped straight past the other replies. When he asked you laughed and said no, right? I don't understand why people think they can do this and its ok. It's not like its a one time thing or a medical emergency or a sudden loss of income. He's just irresponsible. Don't feed into it.
Yeah divorce sucks, moneywise and in other ways. I've been there I know. Here's the thing he's living with someone rent free and he's still living beyond his means. Enabling wont help.
Another question - has anyone else, when ledning him money, pushed him on his budget and why he needs help? As he's asking for $$, if no one else has pushed back, I would do at least that. "Why do you need it? What are you going to do in order to not ask us again?".
It's a long, long, long shot- but just being called out on it might shake him up a little.
I highly doubt they have. I might ask DH to call his sister to see what they have talked about. We all talked about this last christmas. And yea, DH has already said he wil be having a serious talk with him either way.
Post by mrssavy42112 on Aug 16, 2012 13:14:18 GMT -5
That’s hard. Right now, we wouldn’t be in a position to. But if we were, I’d also have a hard time saying yes. I’d also ask for the bill & pay it directly, IF we paid it. A family member has asked my parents for money for groceries a few times & they do the same thing. They’ll take him to the store & buy what he needs, but no cash. You can’t trust that it will be used properly if they clearly don’t know what they’re doing.
I would and have paid a bill before for someone who blows money. I paid a electric bill and told them it was a one time thing that I was not to be repaid for. I paid the electric company myself in my sisters name. Luckily she has never asked again.
With no home payment, there is no reason he should be struggling. I wouldn't do it. If you feel compelled to help family, I would instead offer money to a person he's borrowed from previously to say you're paying them back on your BIL's behalf.
I wouldn't do it either. If it were my family, I still wouldn't do it. You work hard for what you make and you choose to be smart with your money. It's not your fault the other choose not to do those things. I understand that it's hard not to feel guilty, but it is not going to be worth it in the end.
Post by thelongroad on Aug 16, 2012 15:13:57 GMT -5
Has he always paid back the other brother when he has borrowed money from him? We don't lend money any longer, we give it. We feel it creates less awkwardness and potential for future issues. I would give him the money, with no strings attached such as financial counseling, but make it very clear to him that is the ONLY time you will help him financially.
I have a good bit of experience loaning money to DH's family and if I could go back, I never would have given them a dime. They are all terrible with money and always have some sort of crisis and I would feel really bad. DH really believed they would always pay back and truly didnt think he was enabling. Well it started small for us and they would pay it back, then each time it was more money and longer payback. Then the last time it was a pretty large amount and they promised to pay that plus more so we agreed and we never saw a dime of it back. That was 3 years ago and they all still call DH every month with some dire situation and saying we are their last shot...
Just give him some names of a good financial adviser.
DH called his other brother who is making him feel guilty by saying that he wouldn't ask if he didnt "need" it (right 8-D ), and that "half of his income goes to child support". The only reason he perpetually "needs" to borrow money is because he perpetually spends more than he makes. DH doesn't want to lend/give the money, but he is sick with guilt , he couldn't eat his lunch.. The fact that his other brother pulled the guilt card is not helping, ass.
I told him we would talk with his brother tonight and figure out exactly why he needs to money, and what he plans to do so that he doesn't need more money a month from now. I hope his brother realizes that this will likely change our relationship with him forever, nothing would ever be worth that for me.
DH told him no. I was totally going to cave, I am proud of him.
He is so beyond pissed at his family. After brother and sister both tried to make him feel guilty and selfish, he is kind of over it. His mother text him "remember to have grace" after he told him no, yea.... F' you..
Oops... well I didnt read your update... sorry. I dont think you should feel gulty at all for not giving the $$. I say good for you. You need to put yourself first. Maybe you can still try to help him find a job? Is he on government assistance?