Constructive criticism on my parenting...

[simpsongal]

...for the first time.  Of course I feel awful/attacked/defensive/unsure/etc.

When I pick DS (almost 17 mos) up from daycare, he tends to be fussy.  He doesn't want to go, he's wriggly and whiny, etc.  I usually don't do too much to counter him.  I try to let him explore and walk around while I get the report on his day - he won't let me hold him while I talk to our DCP.  So she talked to me today about using a deeper "mom" voice to correct him, mirror back his feelings, say "no, we're leaving," etc.  Probably good advice.  I tend to say "no" but I'll just let him throw a tantrum when he's not happy.  I try to avoid confrontation but admittedly I haven't developed a strong "parent" voice.  KWIM?

Anyone else work on this issue?  Do you remember the first time your parenting was criticized?

[winemaker06]

DS was just unexpectedly moved to a room at daycare with the next older age group because he has been biting the other kids too much (maybe twice a week due to frustration and not being able to communicate well). So not my parenting exactly, but I feel like a failure because I can't stop him from doing something that he Never does at home and am now afraid the moms in his old class hate him/me since they're protective of their babies.

But anyway, my kid is wriggly too. I feel like telling him to stay still while I talk to his teacher is unnecessary torture. They're toddlers, they won't stay still ever.
I think it's a sign that you are a good parent that you're putting so much thought into the comment. But I call BS on that particular situation. I have a friend who Never says no to her kid. It's obvious and a problem. But that is not the case here.

Disclaimer- I also tend to let my kid tantrum and walk away. Maybe I need to work on the mom voice thing myself...

[simpsongal]

Jun 24, 2015 18:53:28 GMT -5 winemaker06 said:

DS was just unexpectedly moved to a room at daycare with the next older age group because he has been biting the other kids too much (maybe twice a week due to frustration and not being able to communicate well). So not my parenting exactly, but I feel like a failure because I can't stop him from doing something that he Never does at home and am now afraid the moms in his old class hate him/me since they're protective of their babies.

But anyway, my kid is wriggly too. I feel like telling him to stay still while I talk to his teacher is unnecessary torture. They're toddlers, they won't stay still ever.
I think it's a sign that you are a good parent that you're putting so much thought into the comment. But I call BS on that particular situation. I have a friend who Never says no to her kid. It's obvious and a problem. But that is not the case here.

Disclaimer- I also tend to let my kid tantrum and walk away. Maybe I need to work on the mom voice thing myself...

He bit for the first time the other day too - I feel your pain there

I can't dismiss her criticism b/c when he was crying and wriggling today as I tried to leave, she took him and he was good and still for her   - which of course created working mom guilt.

[cricketwife]

Jun 24, 2015 18:57:10 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

Jun 24, 2015 18:53:28 GMT -5 winemaker06 said:

DS was just unexpectedly moved to a room at daycare with the next older age group because he has been biting the other kids too much (maybe twice a week due to frustration and not being able to communicate well). So not my parenting exactly, but I feel like a failure because I can't stop him from doing something that he Never does at home and am now afraid the moms in his old class hate him/me since they're protective of their babies.

But anyway, my kid is wriggly too. I feel like telling him to stay still while I talk to his teacher is unnecessary torture. They're toddlers, they won't stay still ever.
I think it's a sign that you are a good parent that you're putting so much thought into the comment. But I call BS on that particular situation. I have a friend who Never says no to her kid. It's obvious and a problem. But that is not the case here.

Disclaimer- I also tend to let my kid tantrum and walk away. Maybe I need to work on the mom voice thing myself...

He bit for the first time the other day too - I feel your pain there

I can't dismiss her criticism b/c when he was crying and wriggling today as I tried to leave, she took him and he was good and still for her   - which of course created working mom guilt.

I think I would try to think of it as advice rather than criticism,  like, "hey, try this. It works for me."  That said, I dont think a DCP should be giving unsolicited advice. 

[mlvmd]

My mom reminds me a lot about my tone and occasionally passively aggressively mentions it to my DH (I've asked her not to do that to DH and she's better now). She just mentions making my inflection go down rather than up so it makes the statement less like a question.

Unfortunately (fortunately?) my mom is great with kids so I agree with her criticism of me but it still stings a little.

[bowies]

I think this is going to be me. I'm passive about tantrums now at 12 months and I know they are only going to get worse. We tell him no when he bites or pulls hair now and redirect, but DS is likely still too young to really "get" it. I worry I'm going to be That Mom. I probably need to read a parenting book, but no idea on which one.

[Pilsy]

Jun 24, 2015 19:46:32 GMT -5 bowies said:

I think this is going to be me. I'm passive about tantrums now at 12 months and I know they are only going to get worse. We tell him no when he bites or pulls hair now and redirect, but DS is likely still too young to really "get" it. I worry I'm going to be That Mom. I probably need to read a parenting book, but no idea on which one.

My DCP advised me to ignore at this point!

[Deleted]

The best advice I always forget is not to ask questions. Just state.
Don't say 'would you like to put your shoes on?' Just say 'let's put our shoes on'
This is such easy advice but hard for people who are used to being polite to strangers etc.

[auntie]

Jun 25, 2015 5:13:36 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

The best advice I always forget is not to ask questions. Just state.
Don't say 'would you like to put your shoes on?' Just say 'let's put our shoes on'
This is such easy advice but hard for people who are used to being polite to strangers etc.

OMG. Yes.

DH always posed directives as if they were in some way optional. Didn't help that DS was a B&W literal thinker.


simpsongal, I wouldn't really put that under criticism. IMHO, it's more of a suggestion from someone who wrangles toddlers in general and yours in particular.

I don't know how I'd feel if the suggestion was made to me. I think it would depend on the messenger- a 20 year year old non-parent compared to DS's pedi who has 3 sons of her own.

I did go through something similar when DS was initially dxd with ASD. His psychologist told me that my relatively permissive parenting style was a bad fit for DS's needs in terms of anxiety and emotional growth. It was hard to hear and harder to change.

[simpsongal]

Jun 25, 2015 5:29:39 GMT -5 auntie said:

Jun 25, 2015 5:13:36 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

The best advice I always forget is not to ask questions. Just state.
Don't say 'would you like to put your shoes on?' Just say 'let's put our shoes on'
This is such easy advice but hard for people who are used to being polite to strangers etc.

OMG. Yes.

DH always posed directives as if they were in some way optional. Didn't help that DS was a B&W literal thinker.


simpsongal, I wouldn't really put that under criticism. IMHO, it's more of a suggestion from someone who wrangles toddlers in general and yours in particular.

I don't know how I'd feel if the suggestion was made to me. I think it would depend on the messenger- a 20 year year old non-parent compared to DS's pedi who has 3 sons of her own.

I did go through something similar when DS was initially dxd with ASD. His psychologist told me that my relatively permissive parenting style was a bad fit for DS's needs in terms of anxiety and emotional growth. It was hard to hear and harder to change.

Yeah, she was very sweet about it, citing books and experience too.  I'm learning as I go with this parenting thing. My father struck the fear of God into us with his temper. I don't want to be like that but I want to be respected, and my DS needs to know I'm in charge. He already seems to be responding to the more stern voice. A couple crying fits, but he seemed more responsive this morning.  It's so hard to know when to give in, when to redirect, when to take a stand. 

Our latest fight is the Neato.  He constantly turns it on.  I just gave in for a while but this morning DH and I sternly said "no, we're not running the neato now."  He got upset but he's since left it alone.

[gibbinator]

It's taken me 3 years but I've got a pretty good mom voice + raised eyebrow combo now that ds1 knows means I mean business. Being authoritative does not come naturally to me so it's taken awhile to get results when required. Dh has no such problem.
I think the difference is that since day 1 dh has expected compliance whereas I expect cooperation.