Help, my kids hate my MIL

[mrsc23]

MIL is visiting and staying with us.  It's been a long visit (2 weeks right as of today), but that is due to some medical issues in the family that she was trying to help out with.  She lives out of state, at a minimum an 8 hour drive away.  Typically her visits are for a week and I am completely fine with her being her for that length of time.  She's very helpful, cooks every day, and attempts to help out with the kids.  However, my kids (2 and 4) are AWFUL to her at certain points throughout the day.  They tell her to go away, go home or won't respond to her when she talks to them.  

My kids aren't like this with anyone else! I don't get it....when this happens, we've been intervening, telling them that their words are hurtful or that we love MIL and are so happy for her to visit, we have to be kind to others, etc.  At first, she didn't really react to their words, but now (understandably so), she's getting frustrated with them and tells them to stop talking to her that way  (she should stand up for herself in my mind!). 

Today, she told DH that she feels sad and unloved, but she doesn't want it to make a big deal out of it and hopes it is a phase they are going through.  But, in discussing it tonight after the kids went to bed, she told me that she will no longer visit longer than two days because she feels her visit is disruptive to their routine and she feels that she is an intrusion on their world. 

Thoughts?  I feel like this isn't right.  I feel like she's giving all the power to the kids.  Why should my kids be in control of this situation?  They only get to see her 4-5x a year as it is, and now those visits will only be 2 days?  I feel like time is so short and they're going to miss out on knowing her (admittedly, they don't WANT to know her now, but who knows how long she'll be around?)   Plus, I'm thinking of my DH...his dad is gone and she and a brother are all the family he has left.  I want him to be able to spend time with his mom.  I like her spending time with her too.

This situation just sucks.  How would you handle it?

[lolo]

Did they just need some down time perhaps?

[drloretta]

It's common for kids that age to say things like that. Often they're checking to see if they can get a reaction. If they don't, they move on to something else. DD has tried "you're not my mom" to me, and "I don't love you" and "i want you to leave" to MIL. We laughed it off, and hours later she was all "i love you" to everyone

[mlt]

My kids aren't allowed to speak to their grandmothers that way. DS1 would be losing fun things, any screen time, and would be spending time alone in his room until he could speak nicely and respectfully.

ETA it's definitely age appropriate to test limits. Just because something is age appropriate doesn't mean I don't discipline for it.

[cjeanette]

I would have a talk with the 4 year old and explain how hurtful it is when she acts like this.

[redpenmama]

Hmm, this is interesting. I would surmise that the 4-year-old is setting the tone and the 2-year-old is following suit. In the short term, I'd discipline the 4-year-old if he/she says it again.

Once your MIL leaves, I'd try to get to the bottom of the issue and see if your 4 y/o has some explanation. My DD is 4, and she can usually give me an explanation for her behavior (it's not always rational, but I can sort of find some truth in whatever she tells me). And then maybe you can preempt the problem in the future by addressing whatever the trigger is for your older child. I wouldn't limit her visits based on just this issue alone -- kids change, and they might perfectly fine the next time she visits. And, like you said, family time is important, so they need to learn to accept her and enjoy her visits.

I feel sorry for your MIL -- and for you!

[cjeanette]

Oh and 4 year old needs to apologize. The idea of your MIL ending the visit feeling this way makes me sad. And I am almost never team MIL

[Deleted]

That is interesting.
Have you asked the kids why they say that? Is she doing something big or small they don't like?
It just seems odd to me as well. But both my kids are nuts about Grandma. They rarely test the boundaries/try words with her they do with me.

I'd crack down on the discipline stat. It's not okay no matter what.

[robot]

Hmm. This is hard for me to imagine, because my kids love grandma, while I'm the one wanting space from her

I would definitely not put up with the behavior, BUT I would try to talk to the 4 year old and see if she can explain what she is feeling. Another thing is to try to give her better words - for example, maybe she is missing some aspects of her normal routine (I say this as a sympathetic introverted adult who gets really stressed with two-week long IL visitors!). So, instead of saying rude things to MIL, she could say, "I would really prefer mommy read to me", or "I need some space", or whatever is relevant in the situation. "Go home" might really mean those things, and she does not know how to express it.

[krystee]

Jun 24, 2015 23:15:27 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

My four year old would be getting her ass handed to her. That's BS and life would be unpleasant for her as long as she was keeping that attitude up.

I totally agree. Some behaviors are absolutely unacceptable and require more than just "We don't do that because it's hurtful." I WOULD explain how hurtful it is and request an instant apology and kind gesture after the first instance (drawing a picture for her, a hug, or whatever else they chose), and then any pushback or repeated unkindness would each be punished with timeouts, loss of fun stuff, etc., and it would be very clear that I was very disappointed and upset with them.

[ellipses84]

My mom is the most wonderful person and grandma, but my son was so standoffish with her for the first 3 years of his life. She comes and stays with us for a couple weeks a couple times a year and we visit her for long weekends. I seriously think he felt like she was trying to take my place and he wasn't going to let his anyone take his mama's place.

Now that he's 4, he's warmed up to her but he says awful things to me and DH, like I'm not going to be your friend anymore or go away, especially when he doesn't get his way. It's a phase. I tell DH you can't take things kids say or do so personally.

[usuallylurking]

Wait, what? I would never even consider this as my MIL "giving them the power" but instead as a complete lack of discipline and respect on your (and your H's) part. If my kids acted that way they would be in so.much.trouble, particularly the 4 year old because it's highly likely that the 2 year old is just following suit. I would never allow our boys to talk to someone like that, let alone a guest in our home, and I would never expect that person to have to defend themselves or try to correct my kids while I just watched. And I say this as someone who absolutely does not get along with my MIL! But this is my kids behavior, and they are not allowed to be mean and rude. @cse1960 is right when she says they don't hate your MIL, they're just being bratty. But that's on you to correct, not her.

[Deleted]

Jun 24, 2015 23:15:27 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

My four year old would be getting her ass handed to her. That's BS and life would be unpleasant for her as long as she was keeping that attitude up.

I'm not a parent, so I know I couldn't really give advice, but I was waiting for this kind of response! This right here would be my hypothetical response for my hypothetical kids. 

[redwino]

Your 4 - year-old should not be allowed to talk to any guest in your home like that. I feel really sad for your MIL because you are are letting your kids be jerk to her. I'm sure your MIL has a different way of doing things than you and your DH but that doesn't mean that your kids can be mean and say they want her to go away.

[auntie]

A couple of things strike me.

Your kids' rudeness, you expecting your MIL to discipline (stand up for herself) the kids, your kids' frustration with their grandmother, her descending on your home for 2 weeks, her drama around coming for 2 days in the future, and whatever it is that's causing the kids to react to her as they are.

The kids should have a proactively stated set of rules for entertaining all guests with courtesy. Time out and a forced apology would be required for violation.

You should be coming down on their unkindness, each and every time, they get rude, mean or mouthy. It is all kinds of wrong for you to expect her to "stand up for herself"; this isn't some skirmish with another 4 year old on the playground.

I'd talk with the kids now about why they're frustrated with grandma. Is your four out of sorts because her routine is off? Has preschool ended for the year? Did she give up her room for grandma? Does your MIL do things very differently? Does she give the children time to warm up to her?

Does MIL's visit upend your homelife? Maybe she should limit your visits to a week except in emergencies. That said, the grandma drama threat of only coming for the weekend is ridic.

All that said, DS used to fire me all the time at that age when he was frustrated with me being in charge. He did it because he knew on some level that I was a constant in his life.

[Deleted]

DS is 3.5. He says things like " Welp that is it I don't love you anymore." Or " I just don't like you AMY" to me about 3-5 times a day. I just say " Oh that's unfortunate & you hurt my feelings when you say that, but I will never stop loving you." I say it super matter of fact & just move on. Usually in about 30 seconds he is running over to me Witt kisses for my hurt feelings saying " I LOVE YOU"

It's for attention. I don't give it to him. He gets over it. He tells H to " go away" like daily & H makes a big deal out of it. Now DS just does it more & makes more dramaz.

[Deleted]

What @cse1960 said. DS is 3.25, and he went through a phase of saying stuff like that to my mom, who is a SAINT. I cracked down HARD on that behavior. I told him he was NOT allowed to speak to Grammy like that. I said that hurt Grammy's feelings, and was NOT allowed. He got put in TO, got privileges taken away. It only lasted a few weeks and now he looooves Grammy.

[lg28]

Jun 24, 2015 22:15:21 GMT -5 drloretta said:

It's common for kids that age to say things like that. Often they're checking to see if they can get a reaction. If they don't, they move on to something else. DD has tried "you're not my mom" to me, and "I don't love you" and "i want you to leave" to MIL. We laughed it off, and hours later she was all "i love you" to everyone

I agree the kids are probably trying for a reaction. I would start with some time outs and move from there. Good luck!

[Deleted]

Jun 25, 2015 5:30:06 GMT -5 @savestheday said:

DS is 3.5. He says things like " Welp that is it I don't love you anymore." Or " I just don't like you AMY" to me about 3-5 times a day. I just say " Oh that's unfortunate & you hurt my feelings when you say that, but I will never stop loving you." I say it super matter of fact & just move on. Usually in about 30 seconds he is running over to me Witt kisses for my hurt feelings saying " I LOVE YOU"

It's for attention. I don't give it to him. He gets over it. He tells H to " go away" like daily & H makes a big deal out of it. Now DS just does it more & makes more dramaz.

My four year old does this to me sometimes. 
I'm the parent. It's sort of to be expected. I said what you said. 
However, after weeks of this, it's time to up discipline and reaction.
Esp. on someone like grandma. 

It really bothers me because it seems so constant. A one off on a bad day is one thing. Kids are tough. Lots of emotions they can't handle..blah blah blah. Everyday on the regular? Kid knows what he's up to. I promise.

Just because it's a phase doesn't make it okay and kids need to know that.

[circa1978]

Team Jenny and Sue Sue. My four-year-old has sassed his grandmother exactly once. He was in his room so fast his head was spinning. Respect for our parents and guests in our house is non-negotiable. Kids test limits by their nature. There is a line and they are over it.

[suzubell]

Team hand their asses to them. That behavior is unacceptable and would not be tolerated in my house.

[ktw]

My phone is messing up the quote, but I agree with @justdairy Everything is a phase, but that doesn't mean you have to allow this to happen repeatedly. IMO, you're being too permissive. I'm not against talking to your kids about what caused them to behave this way, but that talk would certainly be accompanied by time out or some other age-appropriate punishment. I would be appalled if my child was talking to an adult that way, to the point of making them feel unwelcome in my home.

[ECB]

Yeah, I'm in the sue_sue (and others) camp on this. I feel like you're trying to be the gentle, loving mom who talks things out w/ her kids. Well- sometimes what they need it out and out punishment/discipline. It should NOT be on your MIL to stand up for herself. it should be on you and your DH to crack down on this behavior. yeah, sometimes you need to be the "mean mommy".

[jeaniebueller]

While I don't think your kids are acting appropriately, I think your MIL should not be taking it personally. Since she raised kids, she should know that kids can be assholes at times. My DS can be mouthy to my mom and MIL and I generally shut it down and either do time outs, put him in his room, take away privileges, etc., immediately.

And I will also add that a two week visit IS a long visit for kids. My DS gets antsy if we have company more than a few days. So although I 100% agree that your kids are in the wrong, maybe scaling back the length of visits isn't a terrible idea.

[sunshineandpinot]

ditto all the above. That behavior is unacceptable. I'm sorry you and your MIL (who sounds like a saint btw) have to deal with it. Better to nip it in the bud now. GL!

[aspentosh]

Yeah, you need to step up and tell your kids, especially the 4yo, that that behavior is unacceptable.

It's not your MIL's job to parent your kids on basics like this, at least when you are around.

[karinothing]

Each time I read this post title I keep thinking you are asking for advice on how to get your kids to hate your MIL and i think MAN THAT IS MEAN. That is all I have to add.

[bowies]

I'll come at this from a different perspective (while acknowledging that your kids' behavior needs to be appropriately disciplined). When your MIL comes into town, do you cede the household over to her? As in, is she the one doing the cooking, cleaning, errands, etc. and you and your H defer to her because she's the mother figure for you? If her visits coincide with a dramatic shift in the household dynamic, they could be viewing MIL as an interloper.

Take a step back and think about how you're all interacting. If what I've said has struck a chord, it could be as easy as maintaining your status as head of household while she visits. MIL can still visit for a week or longer, you just have to hold onto your role. And discipline snotty behavior! You're in charge.