I don't know how to be an adult (family death)

[nowa]

DH's grandpa died. His dad's dad. What do I do to help his parents? FIL and his sister are dealing with the funeral which will be on Thursday. Talk to me like an idiot. How do I be a good DIL right now? I'm so clueless.

[auroraloo]

Be there, offer help, give help, don't be a dick. Done. Don't forget to grieve, it's your loss too.

[cna]

What rota said. Just be there and help out when you can. I am sorry for your family's loss.

[lala]

Where will they be receiving guests - you can be on hand to clean up, straighten, get ride of the old food, flowers, etc. W always had lots of visitors in the days after the death and funeral, and lots of food dropped off.

Being present sometimes is all you need to do. Also, sometimes there are little things - running the clothes or a forgotten tie to the funeral home, paperwork to the person doing the service, etc. I would just make yourself as available as possible and do what you can. If it's obvious something needs to be done, I'd feel free to take over.

[Deleted]

Agree with everyone else. I am so sorry for your family's loss.

[Kcthepouchh8r]

My family had the same thing happen last year and I cooked, cleaned, did housework like sweeping/vacuuming while the rest of the family attended to planning the wake/funeral. I helped serve guests after the funeral as well. Very sorry for your family's loss.

[usm]

Agreed with everyone above. I am not good with sympathetic words but I am a doer. Something I usually do when someone close dies is being paper goods to wherever people will be gathering. TP, napkins, paper plates, forks, bottles of water. Are they local? Maybe just go over there and be present to see what they need.

I am sorry for your loss.

[quesyrah]

When DH's dad died we helped DH's stepmom get her house ready for OOT guests and arranged catering for the wake and reception. We also had to make most of the funeral and cremation arrangements because she was so distraught (his death was sudden and unexpected).

I would say just be there for them by asking what they need you to do and taking care of arrangements if need be.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[lexus]

I would offer specific things you are comfortable doing and to offer repeatedly. Many people said they would help us but we were never with it enough to say "Oh can you do this...". Other people said, "we are doing this with our kids, can I come get dd?" Or gave us specific suggestions on how they would like to help. Some of them I still didn't take their help but if you really want to help, do that. I would be prepared to just listen and be available and if you will be around on Thursday, just do what you see needs to be done.

I'm sorry for your family's loss.

[minerswife17]

Just offer to help with anything and remind them that. When people told me that they were here for me and would do anything to help, it meant more to me than they knew. I agree with PP, and don't forget to grieve yourself as well. Prayers for you and your family. I'm very sorry.

[nowa]

Thanks y'all. I feel so awkward in these situations. And ILs are the type to take care of things on their own. FIL told me to just take care of DH but I'll be sure to make myself as useful as possible at the wake and funeral.

It's sad but they knew it was coming and it seems he passed quietly at home with one of his kids. There are lots of complicated family dynamics which makes it hard but I guess that's always true. DH is beating himself up about not seeing him more since we moved back to town, but again, family dynamics. Gah. I mean, he died a week ago and we just found out today for various reasons. We're not bitter about that but just goes to show how family is conplicated.