Another child spacing question

[toutsuite]

Curious to get others' opinions on this.  How much would the ability to get help (think cleaning, possibly cooking, live-in nanny, etc.) influence the number of kids you had and the spacing between them if finances weren't an issue?

I had a conversation with a friend tonight who will be moving overseas for about five years.  Her dh got an amazing relocation package and raise so that they will be able to live solely on his salary and they will be easily able to afford help in the location to where they are moving.  They already have 1 baby (about a year now) but planned on 2-3 more.  She said she initially wanted them spaced about 2-3 years apart.  That said, because they will only have the ability to live in this location and afford the help for 5ish or so years, she now wants them much closer so she can take advantage of the help she can get while relocated.

 
She asked my opinion, I think mostly because I will have two closely spaced if this pregnancy works out. I never really factored in the ability to get help when considering the size and spacing of my family, mostly just because I don't have family or any other help in the area.  Her situation is similar in this regard.

Other relevant facts- her first pregnancy was complication-free with a natural birth.  When she moves back, she plans to sah for a few years before going back to work so they wouldn't have a whole bunch in DC all at once.  Her dh is a private consultant specializing in the oil industry and makes decent money so they aren't concerned with finances even with the drop in oil prices.  

So what say ya'll? Would the ability to get all that help factor into you family planning and child spacing if finances weren't an issue?  I think this piqued my interest bc my dh could be in a similar type of position (not the same industry though) in the future and if I had that kind of ability to actually get that kind of help, it would factor into whether we had a third.  Thoughts?

[lauren170]

Yes I would have more kids if I could get somebody else to do the work.

[krystee]

I'm torn. Having that kind of help where I am now would inspire me to have a second for sure (we may be OAD) and maybe a third. But if I were out of the country, I'd want to be traveling a lot, so more babies wouldn't fit well with that.

[charlotteandwilbur]

I think it would depend on the level of social support I had beyond hired help. Living abroad with a pack of small children seems like it has the potential to be isolating, and I'd want a social network in place too.

[SJ]

I would plan to have our children closer together in those circumstances.

DH grew up with that level of help, and I would jump at it. Personally, my biggest concern with going overseas for 5 years would be the effects on one of our careers (whoever was not being transferred).

I'd also want to bring my parents though

[mlt]

We wanted to space ours 3-4 years apart because of college costs and so that each of them gets plenty of time to be the baby. Having extra help now would not influence me to have them closer together. I would have an extra kid if we had more money overall, but as it is we will plan to stop at three at the most.

[holly116]

I had three pretty close together.. 18 and then 19 months apart so three babies in three years, and we're hesitating on a fourth because of the lack of local family support. Also, five years in, I'm just generally fried with being around little kids nonstop. If I had the ability to hire out a lot more, sure, I'd have one more sooner rather than later. We still may go for it later this year/next year anyway so there's that.

We made the decision to have them all close together when I decided to step out of the workforce. If I'm going to be home when they're little, this is the best way to minimize my time out.

[anna7602]

Personally, I quite enjoyed living overseas without being pregnant or having a small baby (DD was in preschool already). Even with help, the pregnancy and newborn stage would have radically changed many of the things I enjoyed about living abroad, especially since I knew it was a limited-time experience. 

It seems like she will still have a lot going on if she has 3 more kids in the next five years, regardless of the additional help. 

[Brie]

[Source] toutsuite said:

Other relevant facts- her first pregnancy was complication-free with a natural birth.  When she moves back, she plans to sah for a few years before going back to work so they wouldn't have a whole bunch in DC all at once.

I don't want to be Debbie Downer but my first pregnancy and delivery and baby were textbook and healthy. My second was a scary emergency section under general and he has serious health issues that require a ton of time and emotional energy.

Even though it would be a tick in the pro column for having more kids if we had unlimited help, there are some things you can't outsource. Even if I had a nanny and housekeeper and private chef, I would still be completely emotionally spent with the two I have. It wouldn't be good for my sanity and nobody can take that weight off your shoulders.

[toutsuite]

Jun 30, 2015 21:40:32 GMT -5 Brie said:

[quote author="toutsuite" source="/post/9686269/thread"

Other relevant facts- her first pregnancy was complication-free with a natural birth.  When she moves back, she plans to sah for a few years before going back to work so they wouldn't have a whole bunch in DC all at once.

I don't want to be Debbie Downer but my first pregnancy and delivery and baby were textbook and healthy. My second was a scary emergency section under general and he has serious health issues that require a ton of time and emotional energy.

Even though it would be a tick in the pro column for having more kids if we had unlimited help, there are some things you can't outsource. Even if I had a nanny and housekeeper and private chef, I would still be completely emotionally spent with the two I have. It wouldn't be good for my sanity and nobody can take that weight off your shoulders.
[/quote]


I can't imagine going through all that you have.  I would think that would definitely be an influencing factor both for number of kids and spacing,  if one were born with significant health issues.  If it were me, it would probably also affect whether I would remain in the place of relocation or not.

[turtlegirl]

The number of children we are having is definitely influenced by the fact that we have free daycare provided by our families and that all the grandparents live locally and are very involved.

I also am able to only work part time so I can do some cooking, shopping, cleaning during the week. If I had a 40 hour + a week job and no family help I wouldn't have had 3 kids in 5 years.

[toutsuite]

Jun 30, 2015 21:34:49 GMT -5 holly116 said:

I had three pretty close together.. 18 and then 19 months apart so three babies in three years, and we're hesitating on a fourth because of the lack of local family support. Also, five years in, I'm just generally fried with being around little kids nonstop. If I had the ability to hire out a lot more, sure, I'd have one more sooner rather than later. We still may go for it later this year/next year anyway so there's that.

We made the decision to have them all close together when I decided to step out of the workforce. If I'm going to be home when they're little, this is the best way to minimize my time out.

I feel like this is what has dh and I in the possibly two and done camp.  I think there was actually a post recently about family support and influencing family size or something like that which I now can't find.  If my current pregnancy works out, they will be about 12-13 months apart which isn't super ideal since I will have a rcs.  If we ever considered a third I feel it would have to be a few years after ds2 is born.  The feeling of being fried also concerns me with a third.  I give you mad props.

For clarification my friend comes from a large family which is what she wants for her own too.  She has also lived overseas before with her dh. But not for 5 years.  I think the longest they lived overseas was for like 3.5 years or something like that.

[Cicero]

TBH that's a large part of the reason why we are having #2 now. We can only guarentee bing in this area through the end of the year and then the writing on the wall has us moving somewhere the COL and cost of help is much lower. I want to deliver at the same place as last time but I wouldn't be able to deal with an infant and toddler a significant flight away from family so the ability to get help is huge.

That being said, the idea of traveling with more than two scares the living crap out of me so we are likely finished after this one.

[anna7602]

Jul 1, 2015 7:11:03 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

I'd be more on the #2 bandwagon if we could have lots of cheap help, which is part of why we want to go overseas.

But forever, or for a short time? As others pointed out, the child-related work won't suddenly be less for this family in five years when they move to a place with a higher cost of living and 2 or 3 additional kids in tow. 

I think I'm hung up on the 2 or 3 thing. Why not just have 1 more while they're overseas and see how it goes before committing to any others?  

[Cicero]

For me personally the act of physically having another kid overseas depends on the location too. We had a move fall through last year that was RJ a super LCOL place where we could hVe easily afforded a lot of help, but expats and wealthy locals alike leave the country to give birth. Has that worked out we would not have been having a second kid for at least 2-3 years until we had been moved again. I'm not flying to Johannesburg or back to the U.S. for months on end just to have a kid when I've also got a toddler to think about.

[toutsuite]

Jul 1, 2015 9:23:51 GMT -5 anna7602 said:

Jul 1, 2015 7:11:03 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

I'd be more on the #2 bandwagon if we could have lots of cheap help, which is part of why we want to go overseas.

But forever, or for a short time? As others pointed out, the child-related work won't suddenly be less for this family in five years when they move to a place with a higher cost of living and 2 or 3 additional kids in tow. 

I think I'm hung up on the 2 or 3 thing. Why not just have 1 more while they're overseas and see how it goes before committing to any others?  

Both she and her husband come from large, large families so the expectation that they will also have a large family, for her, is a given.  I won't get too much into the weeds but think similar to a culture like Pakistani-American.  the size of her family is viewed by her own family to be a point of pride amongst others of her culture.

i guess after my conversation with her, I was second guessing myself on dh's and my decision to be done after ds2 if we ever had a similar type of opportunity.  My first pregnancy was rough and riddled with complications though this one isn't bad.  I think if I were able to obtain the level of help she was talking about however, I would be more apt to go for #3. I don't think the ability to get that kind of help would influence the overall number of children we ideally wished to have though.  

[bullsgirl]

I would try to get pregnant right now if I could afford to have someone do the cooking and other house work daily. And as it is I don't want to try for #2 for maybe another year. I wouldn't try for a 3rd no matter what though. I am getting too old!

[Marmee]

No it wouldn't play in.

I had an idea of spacing I wanted (2 close, big gap, 2 close) honestly I still think it'd have been ideal. However I am not one of those people that has unprotected sex and gets pg immediately. So my "plans" didn't mean jack in the scheme of things.

[Deleted]

I probably would in that situation if I wanted more. If nothing else, it could be helpful to have someone else care for the baby while I did stuff with the older kids/s.