Dear Prudence letter...

[cole]

Question about cost. One of my girlfriends went to get tested and they asked if she wanted the full range done, which includes blood work for certain tests. She said yes, and ended up with hundreds of dollars in lab fees and such not covered by her insurance.

Do people's insurance cover 100% outside the copay for the appointment? Or, especially for folks on the over a month/couple months get tested side, do you (general you) pay whatever the cost each time?

[msmerymac]

Aug 17, 2012 11:21:02 GMT -5 marynjoe said:

Aug 17, 2012 11:04:01 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

Eh, I think if you're in a relationship where you are that worried about being clean, AND you have established the relationship enough to want to move to that level (like, you're taking it slow because you're looking for something serious), you can have a honest conversation about the last time you were tested, whether you should go do it again, and what your results were. And if you have that level of trust, your partner should take your word for it.
If someone was demanding "proof," and my word wasn't good enough, well, then my vag isn't good enough for you either.

That's ridiculous. There are so many people that have undiagnosed STDs or illnesses, even after previous testing didn't show anything. Plus, you could have contracted something via other methods besides sex. If some guy said "trust me or my dick isn't good enough for you!" I'd walk away.

Some rando, sure, but I wouldn't be sleeping with that guy in the first place. And if it's someone I've known for 3 days, well, am I going to wait for test results anyway? I don't know.

If I've been dating someone for a month or two and he tells me, "I was tested 6 months ago and everything came back negative. I haven't had any other sex partners in that time period, and before that I was with my last girlfriend for 3 years in a monogamous relationship" there's no reason not to trust that information, and I don't expect people to keep their paperwork around for years and years.

If you are engaging in any activity that might lead to any STD, then I would expect you to know that too. I imagine most people know how they got hepatitis C?

It comes down to level of trust. If you don't trust someone enough without seeing actual test results, then fine. Either don't sleep with them or demand the test results. But don't be surprised when they don't want to fess up. I would be really put off if someone I was dating exclusively said they needed PROOF or no deal. In adult relationships, there are plenty of times when my word SHOULD be enough.

[heliocentric]

Aug 17, 2012 11:46:55 GMT -5 cole said:

Question about cost. One of my girlfriends went to get tested and they asked if she wanted the full range done, which includes blood work for certain tests. She said yes, and ended up with hundreds of dollars in lab fees and such not covered by her insurance.

Do people's insurance cover 100% outside the copay for the appointment? Or, especially for folks on the over a month/couple months get tested side, do you (general you) pay whatever the cost each time?

Not sure. I went to Planned Parenthood and I only got an HIV test. I don't even remember what the fee was, but it must have been minimal.

[laurenpetro]

he must buy boatloads of hand sanitizer.

[UMaineTeach]

Aug 17, 2012 15:04:28 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Aug 17, 2012 0:05:26 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

Maybe it's because I'm single but, I'm sitting next to this man. The AIDS rate in D.C. among black people is scarily high and among black women is ridiculous. Tests and paperwork please and thanks.

I'm married and I'm also sitting next to this man.

I think it's one thing to get married when you're 25 and know that your husband has slept with 3 women, been with you for 5 years.... blah blah blah. If you're a 47 year old bachelor sleeping with people who are hopefully within a decade of your age, it's pretty reasonable to think that they've been around the block of few times. I applaud him for being responsible.

Prudence should be more... prudish.

I'm with you guys.

not even just AIDS - the clap is getting drug resistant now

www.wired.com/wiredscience/2012/06/resistant-gonorrhea-who/

[orangeblossom]

Aug 17, 2012 12:18:23 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

Aug 17, 2012 11:21:02 GMT -5 marynjoe said:

That's ridiculous. There are so many people that have undiagnosed STDs or illnesses, even after previous testing didn't show anything. Plus, you could have contracted something via other methods besides sex. If some guy said "trust me or my dick isn't good enough for you!" I'd walk away.

Some rando, sure, but I wouldn't be sleeping with that guy in the first place. And if it's someone I've known for 3 days, well, am I going to wait for test results anyway? I don't know.

If I've been dating someone for a month or two and he tells me, "I was tested 6 months ago and everything came back negative. I haven't had any other sex partners in that time period, and before that I was with my last girlfriend for 3 years in a monogamous relationship" there's no reason not to trust that information, and I don't expect people to keep their paperwork around for years and years.

If you are engaging in any activity that might lead to any STD, then I would expect you to know that too. I imagine most people know how they got hepatitis C?

It comes down to level of trust. If you don't trust someone enough without seeing actual test results, then fine. Either don't sleep with them or demand the test results. But don't be surprised when they don't want to fess up. I would be really put off if someone I was dating exclusively said they needed PROOF or no deal. In adult relationships, there are plenty of times when my word SHOULD be enough.

And this is why the HIV/AIDS rates and other STIs are so high. I don't give a flying flip if we've been dating exclusively or not. You will be tested or we won't be sleeping together, and IMO the person who's offended is the one in the wrong, not the person requesting it. It's called being responsible, and any HIV/AIDS educator will tell you so. This is your life you're talking about, and going by someone's word will get you killed.

Hell, spouses are infected by cheating spouses and you're supposed to have the ultimate level of trust in them, so why would I take the chance with someone that I've dated exclusively and have given no promises too about marriage. Exclusivity doesn't always equate to eventual engagement and marriage.

[Knight]

If I were single I would certainly go with any potential partners to get tested. Hell, I'm married to a man I met at 17 and I still get tested. I trust my husband but there is such a thing as trusting to the point of foolishness.

[ttt]

Aug 17, 2012 19:25:08 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

Aug 17, 2012 17:46:00 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

And this is why the HIV/AIDS rates and other STIs are so high. I don't give a flying flip if we've been dating exclusively or not. You will be tested or we won't be sleeping together, and IMO the person who's offended is the one in the wrong, not the person requesting it. It's called being responsible, and any HIV/AIDS educator will tell you so. This is your life you're talking about, and going by someone's word will get you killed.

Hell, spouses are infected by cheating spouses and you're supposed to have the ultimate level of trust in them, so why would I take the chance with someone that I've dated exclusively and have given no promises too about marriage. Exclusivity doesn't always equate to eventual engagement and marriage.

All this she said. Again, trust but verify cause there ain't no do-overs on the HIV, yo. Neither do I want herpes, syphilis and incurable gonorrhea etc. *shudders*

That said, maybe this guy is like "Hi, can I buy you a drink? And oh yeah, if I decide I want to hit that, you will go get tested for sexually transmitted diseases, right?"

This is what I tend to think.

He doesn't mention himself getting tested at all, which makes me think he's basically telling women "you must trust that I'm clean because I say so, but I need to see paperwork before I believe you about your status." Ummm no thanks.