Dear Prudence, I am a 47-year-old single man. I require that before I get physically involved with anyone she get full STD testing. Can you tell me why 99 percent of women refuse immediately when I broach this subject? It doesn't matter when I bring up this personal choice to them. Also, many people believe that wearing condoms gives 100 percent protection from STD transmission, which is not the case. People also don't seem to realize that oral sex can transmit a herpes type 2 infection. I have not had a relationship in many years, as I have not found any women who are willing to wait for STD tests before sleeping with me. Once I demand it, they walk away. Why?
—I’m Clean
Dear Clean, I find your complaint hard to understand since you obviously are capable of the most seductive charm offensive. On second thought, perhaps the problem is that you lack charm and are simply offensive. It’s surely a good idea before becoming intimate for both partners to disclose their STD status. If both people are equally fastidious and hot for each other, I can imagine them both agreeing to get screened, and eagerly awaiting the longed-for negative results. But declaiming early in a relationship the various viruses and spirochetes you suspect your date harbors and demanding that she certify herself free from them is only going to make her want to be free of you. Keep up your current style, and you will never have to worry about contracting any sexually transmitted disease from anyone.
Maybe it's because I'm single but, I'm sitting next to this man. The AIDS rate in D.C. among black people is scarily high and among black women is ridiculous. Tests and paperwork please and thanks.
Not prying into your dating life...but let's go ahead and pry into your dating life.
How do you bring this up, and at what point?
I do not judge wanting to ask the question. But it's been a while since my single n' slutty college days and I'm not sure what the ettiquitte would be as a real-world grownup.
Maybe it's because I'm single but, I'm sitting next to this man. The AIDS rate in D.C. among black people is scarily high and among black women is ridiculous. Tests and paperwork please and thanks.
I'm kinda agreeing with you.
I would assume if you're not sleeping together on the first date and have established the beginning of a relationship, there would be a respectful way to bring up any concerns.
ETA; I also have latex allergies and will never forgive the condom industry for making all latex-free condoms in ONE damn size. Useless.
I just don't think there is any way of demanding (his word) the results of a date's STD tests that wouldn't make a woman want to immediately excuse herself and head for the exit.
Not prying into your dating life...but let's go ahead and pry into your dating life.
How do you bring this up, and at what point?
I do not judge wanting to ask the question. But it's been a while since my single n' slutty college days and I'm not sure what the ettiquitte would be as a real-world grownup.
I skew toward the AW end of the spectrum when it comes to sexy times. Since separating from my now ex-husband I've slept with one guy and I can count the number of times we did it on one hand not using all the fingers. We went together to be tested.
And you just say it. If folks walk away over this issue, well, bye.
But then, I also have latex allergies and can't use spermicide so there is going to be a discussion of some kind had before I remove the nickel from between my knees anyways.
makes sense. I'd imagine going to get tested together takes a lot of the sting out of the request.
ETA: I'm assuming from the wording of the letter to Prudie that this dude is not offering to get tested together, and also comes across like a condecensing assholio. "once I demand it, they walk away." No shit sherlock. you could demand that I eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream and I'm probably gonna skip. And I LIKE ice cream. You don't demand anything from me. My husband doesn't even get to demand shit from me.
I'm also imagining this dude is announcing he wants to see the receipts before anyone has shown an interest in making a purchase, probable before the waitress has dropped off the first course.
Post by karinothing on Aug 17, 2012 6:55:30 GMT -5
Eh, I don't know how he asked. However, I have dated men who requested STD testing prior to sleeping together. We never went together and I never refused. I respected their decision and thought it was a smart one.
If it really doesn't matter when this guy makes his request (as he claims), then the women just aren't that into him. If I really thought I had a strong connection with a guy, I wouldn't refuse this.
But I also suspect that he's bullshitting and brings this up five minutes into his first dates.
I also wonder if he volunteers to get tested too. If I agreed to get tested, I'd be really turned off if he refused and claims he hasn't been intimate with anyone in a long time. How would I know he's not lying?
I dunno, it seems like the only sensible ting to do in this day an age, and it is a problem - how do you ask someone that? I mean, when I got my green card, I had to have an AIDs test, so ever since I have been introducing myself to the new people we meet this way "Hi, Im Reeve, and I dont have AIDs" just because its funny. And yet it is simply not the sort of thing you can ask a potential partner, is it. Sexytime happens in the heat of the moment, and if you interrupt that with "hey, by the way, do you have crabs?" its likely to kill it right there. And it also cant be asked on a date. I don't know. I guess you have to decide if getting laid is worth the risk.
Post by heliocentric on Aug 17, 2012 7:59:21 GMT -5
I think it all depends on his approach and whether or not he's getting tested, too.
DH & I both got tested before we stopped using condoms (I was on the pill). At that point we had already been dating a few months and were exclusive, so it wasn't too awkward.
I realize condoms aren't prefect, though. I appreciate that the guy wants to be cautious, but I am making the assumption he hasn't been dating these women that long if they are just broaching the sex topic. I can see being put off my the question if you're not enough sure you like someone that much.
Maybe it's because I'm single but, I'm sitting next to this man. The AIDS rate in D.C. among black people is scarily high and among black women is ridiculous. Tests and paperwork please and thanks.
Yep. His delivery may have been bad, but I don't fault him for addressing this.
You can't really hook up with people randomly and pull this off, right? This is more in the relationship realm? Like, once you've been on a handful of dates and wanna do more than kissing so you go get tested together.
Maybe that is his problem - bringing this up the same night he meets the girl?
Maybe it's because I'm single but, I'm sitting next to this man. The AIDS rate in D.C. among black people is scarily high and among black women is ridiculous. Tests and paperwork please and thanks.
Yep. His delivery may have been bad, but I don't fault him for addressing this.
Delivery is important, though, especially in the early stages of dating.
It's a lot like women who want to get married someday - it's a legitimate goal, but you don't tell a guy you just met that you're dating in order to find a husband if you don't want him to run screaming.
I asked the very first guy I slept with to get tested. I was 21, we had been together over a year. I had been on birth control for 3 months. Yeah, I sort of over prepared for the entire thing but he did get tested.
Maybe it's because I'm single but, I'm sitting next to this man. The AIDS rate in D.C. among black people is scarily high and among black women is ridiculous. Tests and paperwork please and thanks.
i like this.
STDs are no joke. sex certainly is not worth your health or life.
of course, there's a way to broach the subject of getting tested, and perhaps this guy isn't the smoothest, but i applaud him (and soundesafinado) for protecting themselves (and others).
He says himself that he "demands" it. And he says nothing about himself getting tested. And not a single woman has agreed, ever?? That right there tells me that it isn't the women, it's him.
He says himself that he "demands" it. And he says nothing about himself getting tested. And not a single woman has agreed, ever?? That right there tells me that it isn't the women, it's him.
Totally agree. Based on my circle of friends testing requests and testing together are no big deal, so I'm certain there are ways to broach the topic without coming across like a douchebag. I'm also certain that this guy can't pull that off.
Eh, I think if you're in a relationship where you are that worried about being clean, AND you have established the relationship enough to want to move to that level (like, you're taking it slow because you're looking for something serious), you can have a honest conversation about the last time you were tested, whether you should go do it again, and what your results were. And if you have that level of trust, your partner should take your word for it.
If someone was demanding "proof," and my word wasn't good enough, well, then my vag isn't good enough for you either.
Eh, I think if you're in a relationship where you are that worried about being clean, AND you have established the relationship enough to want to move to that level (like, you're taking it slow because you're looking for something serious), you can have a honest conversation about the last time you were tested, whether you should go do it again, and what your results were. And if you have that level of trust, your partner should take your word for it. If someone was demanding "proof," and my word wasn't good enough, well, then my vag isn't good enough for you either.
That's ridiculous. There are so many people that have undiagnosed STDs or illnesses, even after previous testing didn't show anything. Plus, you could have contracted something via other methods besides sex. If some guy said "trust me or my dick isn't good enough for you!" I'd walk away.
Eh, I think if you're in a relationship where you are that worried about being clean, AND you have established the relationship enough to want to move to that level (like, you're taking it slow because you're looking for something serious), you can have a honest conversation about the last time you were tested, whether you should go do it again, and what your results were. And if you have that level of trust, your partner should take your word for it. If someone was demanding "proof," and my word wasn't good enough, well, then my vag isn't good enough for you either.
That's ridiculous. There are so many people that have undiagnosed STDs or illnesses, even after previous testing didn't show anything. Plus, you could have contracted something via other methods besides sex. If some guy said "trust me or my dick isn't good enough for you!" I'd walk away.
I agree. While hypothetically there should be trust between the parties, I'm not sure that in reality I would be able to take someone at their word when it could place my future health in jeopardy until a much later point. Like, marriage later. I take sex seriously and it requires trust, but not quite at that level.
If my partner's last test older than a month I'd probably want to go together to have another done. Especially having worked in an HIV testing environment I would rather be safe than sorry, and the length of time between infection and positive test is enough to give me pause. Plus, some people want to be able to have more casual sex or sex with multiple partners that may either not require an extreme level of trust (like, I trust you with my life levels) because the relationship itself is not especially serious or which, given the risk factors of multiple partners, could mean a higher risk of STD exposure. That's fine by me (and could even work for me in certain circumstances) but not without really careful safety measures in place.
Whether the guy was a douche about his expectations is a different conversation than whether the expectations themselves are ridiculous.