Marriage advice that has stuck with you

[redheadk]

I was thinking about some marriage advice I received at a teaching workshop, of all places, today when I was mildly annoyed that dh left some of his crap out this morning. 

The advice was basically about how you shouldn't let the little stuff become big stuff. She told a story about how her first marriage failed because she was always focused on things like not fully washing out the sink after shaving and, in retrospect, she shouldn't have let those little things become big things because after her marriage ended, she realized that she would have traded a few downsides for the many good things he brought to the marriage. I'm not retelling it well but it wasn't about how you should let your partner be a slob but more about picking your battles and not overreacting to things, addressing things with your partner without being a bitch about it because all that does is escalate the situation and then nobody is happy. 

It was a weird workshop.

Anyway, I thought of it when I was picking up DH's blanket and reminding myself that while he left his blanket out on the couch after moving there bc dd was keeping him awake last night, he DID get up early to unclog the toilet dd clogged last night and moved the trashcan in our backyard from the shower I hosted this weekend to the front for trash pickup before he left for work this morning while I GBCNed. Both things I could have done but he did just to be nice.

Any marriage advice that always comes back to you?

[momin2013]

Don't sweat the small stuff. And it's (almost always) small stuff.

[longtimenopost]

Winning isn't everything - and you don't always have to be right. This is hard for me. Coming from a family of lawyers, I know how to argue a case and I like to win. However, sometimes I need to remind myself at what cost? I have to reflect and ask myself if I really care about something before I fight for it. I realize it's hard for DH to tell what matters to me when I'll argue over anything.

[arch01]

No one ever stays the same. People change over time. Your marriage surviving those changes depends on how well you adapt to them.

This is so, so true for me and DH. We certainly aren't the same people we were at 23 when we got married.

[jsillyfun]

Hold nothing against each other for the first year after having a baby.

[mlt]

"Don't marry a man who can dance."

And also "it's better to be kind than to be right."

[MNH2013]

Similar to I think what you are saying. If it is truly minor just fix it yourself.

I hate that H throws his clothes on the closet floor right next to his basket. If it really starts to irritate me I just put them in the basket. Not that I let him just be a huge slob and walk all over me but if it's minor and bothers me, I'll change that. He does other shit I will never do (literally, he picks up after the dog in the backyard and never says a word about it)

[scribellesam]

Apologizing first doesn't mean you've lost.

Don't let the things they don't do/aren't blind you to the good things they do and are.

[Deleted]

Sometimes it's okay to go to bed angry. Staying up to fight is pointless and the exhaustion doesn't solve anything. It's either always all better in the morning, there's a clear resolution when you're rested or you've at least had time to think.

Everyone's version of "50/50" is completely different and that's okay.

And a favorite from my MIL I really try to hold to, "In the time it took you to b*tch about it, you could've just done it!" I mean sometimes it'd be nice if DH would burn through that to do list and it's a not a free pass at all, but sometimes I have to think, "Do I tell him this? Do I remind him? Or do I just take care of it and save us all 5 minutes?"

[teatimefor2]

Don't sweat the small stuff - it is really small stuff.

Fight fair

Nothing is ever 50/50. In terms of careers, child-rearing, cleaning and fun. Find what works for your marriage and go with it.

Personally, I've been thinking about this lately. I have two sons and one day, I hope they will be married. I want them to select wives that are kind, loving, funny and intelligent, but also understanding of their faults (although I think they are perfect) and understanding that they will have good days and bad. Therefore, I am trying to embody more if that behavior to my husband as relationship modeling is going to teach them what to expect in their future relationship.

It's really helped me focus on the good that my DH does and he does a lot compared to the stupid stuff he forgets to do.

[mlvmd]

Make sure you are saying nice things to your partner at least three times as often as you are saying not nice things.

This seems so easy but I am terrible about being highly critical and not giving positive feedback so I have to make a concerted effort.

[bowies]

I learned not to lose myself in a relationship. I learned that the hard way from a failed first marriage.

Best advice given - We are all responsible for our own happiness.

[specialk]

Try to do at least one thing every day to make your partner's life easier or better.

[Deleted]

Love is a choice.

[niq]

"No bosses" - from my aunt and uncle who have been married 37 years.

[oliviapope]

At a workshop we had an excellent therapist tell us this:

People often think of marriage as two people looking outward in the same direction. However that is not how we take our vows. We take vows looking at each other in opposite directions. As a spouse your job is to warn your partner of the train you see barreling up behind them. When your partner is talking really listen-they are the ones who can see what you cannot.

And also-turn toward each other instead of turning away.

This definitely changed the way we communicate. We both made a concerted effort to really listen to one another, and not spend time working on our argument in our heads. Sometimes perspective is everything.

[wilbs]

Jul 1, 2015 10:37:34 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

H and I always quote a line from that movie "In Good Company" - something like "you've gotta find someone you want to be in the foxhole with... and when you're not in the foxhole, keep your dick in your pants." lol

Love, love, love that movie. And Dennis Quaid.

Also, don't sweat the small stuff. I try and go out of my way to say thank you or let DH know when he does something small that makes my life easier. I always appreciate when he notices the little things that I do, so I want him to feel the same.

[turtlegirl]

We just talk a lot. And I think that really helps.

We try to just chat about our day, random things going on in the news, with our friends, etc. That helps us feel connected as a couple/friends with each other.

Also talking openly about logistical stuff helps us avoid petty fights, I think. Most Thursdays or Fridays we chat about what our plan are for the weekend, what we each need to accomplish and how we can help each other out with the kids to make sure we all are happy.

[wilbs]

I know this isn't possible for everyone, but DH and I try and meet for lunch once a week or at least every other week. He works from home most days and my commute is about 30 minutes so we meet in the middle and I feel like it's some of our best bonding time. There's so many nights where once DS is down, we are both so exhausted and just want to veg out that having deep conversations isn't always possible. It's something small, but I always look forward to our lunch dates.

[water*drop]

Just because it wasn't done your way doesn't mean it's not done. We have different approaches to housework, packing for trips, diaper changes, etc. We try hard not to criticize each other for the way they do it because at least it's done. We fail at this sometimes, especially at stressful times, but we try really hard to save criticism for times when it actually matters.

[Deleted]

If you get upset with your spouse try to keep it between the two of you*. You don't want the whole world thinking badly of your spouse because he had a moment where he did or said something stupid. When you eventually make up with one another the people you told will still see your spouse in a bad light because he never made up with them. His apology or the flowers he brought home won't make anyone else happy, just you.

Always try to have a date night. We try to go out alone at least twice a month. We used to go every Friday but life has gotten too busy. We make sure we go out at least every other week now. It is nice to reconnect without the kids and not just at the very end of the day when we are both tired.

*I don't mean this in the event of abuse or something more than a spat.

[Deleted]

Jul 1, 2015 11:05:18 GMT -5 water*drop said:

Just because it wasn't done your way doesn't mean it's not done. We have different approaches to housework, packing for trips, diaper changes, etc. We try hard not to criticize each other for the way they do it because at least it's done. We fail at this sometimes, especially at stressful times, but we try really hard to save criticism for times when it actually matters.

I need to get better about this. Not with H but with exchange students. ADmittedly the fact they tend to drive me insane is because I'm a house perfectionist and I want things done my way. If I explain it that way I expect it that way. Which is unrealistic. 

H called me out on this one day with a "When the kids are old enough to do chores are you going to nag them about how they did." I probably won't so I need to check it more. 

And yes, having an E. student in your house is sometimes like managing two marriages...lol.

[ryry]

Our vows included "I promise to cherish and delight in your individuality, to face life's challenges with patience and humor, to respect our differences and to nurture our growth." The "face life's challenges with patience and humor" part has always stuck with me. Not always possible or practical, but I like it. We often repeat "patience and humor" to each other when we find ourselves in stressful situations.

[MNH2013]

Jul 1, 2015 11:00:08 GMT -5 wilbs said:

I know this isn't possible for everyone, but DH and I try and meet for lunch once a week or at least every other week. He works from home most days and my commute is about 30 minutes so we meet in the middle and I feel like it's some of our best bonding time. There's so many nights where once DS is down, we are both so exhausted and just want to veg out that having deep conversations isn't always possible. It's something small, but I always look forward to our lunch dates.

I really miss this when I worked closer to H. That was our "date night".

[dancingirl21]

Happy wife, happy life!

Not really. I just think it's funny.

Our first dance as a married couple was to the song, "Have a little faith in me".

We often repeat this to each other when one of us is questioning the other. It helps keep us in check and remember that we married an intelligent, well-meaning spouse. Just because he is doing something the opposite of how I would do it, doesn't make his way wrong.

[formerlyllizzyb]

Most conflict comes from unmet or unmatched expectations.

[VillainV]

We are responsible for our own feelings. Nobody can "make you angry" or "make you feel guilty." We choose to feel angry, guilt, whatever. We can also choose happiness, acceptance, and other positive emotions instead of choosing negative ones.

[wavepool]

Choose your battles.
Recognize that there are other "right" ways to do things. I read this in a parenting book.....my h changes diapers differently than I do and dresses him in ridiculous combos, but he has a clean diaper and is wearing clothes, so not worth a fight about it.

[aspentosh]

There are so many here that I agree with. I was liking almost all the posts!

My biggest ones are:

-Just because you can fight about it doesn't mean you should. So essentially pick your battles, because nitpicking rarely ends well.
-My way doesn't mean the "right" way. He can do something totally differently and still get the same result. This is what makes each of us an individual.
-Appreciate the things he does instead of dwelling on the things he doesn't.

[cinco]

Jul 1, 2015 11:31:04 GMT -5 pennypenny said:

Never go to bed angry is the dumbest marriage advice. Sometimes you need that time to cool off, get your thoughts straight, etc.

I can't remember who told me this, but it is so true.

This is true for us, especially when we are tired and nonsensical. Being tired from babies (and toddlers )not STTN and working midnights (DH), made so many silly arguments get heated. We are nicer people in the morning, or in DH's case when he is on midnights 3pm.