Staying in love isn't just something that mystically happens if you're with your soulmate. Love is a choice, every single day, and often the best way to "fall back in love" is just to ACT lovingly. It's easy to treat the people close to you the shittiest when you're stressed, when it should be the opposite.
This is, of course, not appropriate in cases of abuse, etc. But I've found it to be true in my marriage. H can be annoying the ever-living fuck out of me for weeks, but once I just suck it up and do something nice for him, cuddle with him on the couch for a while, whatever, I almost always end up feeling much kinder toward him going forward. Like a little reset.
This is so true for us too.
Being physically close as well as emotionally close is important for us too. Sometimes, we'll be in a period of arguing a lot or whatever and one of us will suck it up and cuddle the other or hold hands or hug and kiss and it's often like the badness just melts away.
And now I feel bad for getting annoyed at my H for something small. But to me it's like saying - don't sweat someone being late all the time. That's a sma thing. But it is a reflection of them caring more about themselves, you know? So after the tenth time he doesn't rinse out the sink, you just do it and laugh at him? Nope. We didn't have a huge fight but he thought we were going to have sex and I nixed that one. Then laughed and watched a movie.
Post by MadamePresident on Jul 1, 2015 20:46:58 GMT -5
Don't use the words "always" and "never" in an argument. For example saying "you never take out the trash" because that's rarely true and attacks the person's character and pots them on the defensive. It's better to say, "l'm upset because you haven't taken out the trash in a month".
My MIL told me at my wedding shower to spray a little lemon Pledge in the air before your husband gets home and he'll think you cleaned.
This is cracking me up. The house is a total disaster, but a little lemon pledge in the air will totally fool him into thinking it's clean.
I don't know that anyone has ever given me specific advice on this, but before being married I observed many women being resentful when their H's didn't do stuff without being asked and/or asking their H's to do something in a guilt inducing or irritated manner. I've always made an effort to let my H know when I need him to do something instead of waiting for him to figure it out while getting irritated. I always seek to word my requests nicely without a guilt trip included.
And now I feel bad for getting annoyed at my H for something small. But to me it's like saying - don't sweat someone being late all the time. That's a sma thing. But it is a reflection of them caring more about themselves, you know? So after the tenth time he doesn't rinse out the sink, you just do it and laugh at him? Nope. We didn't have a huge fight but he thought we were going to have sex and I nixed that one. Then laughed and watched a movie.
Well, her point wasn't that you should let someone be a slob and totally inconsiderate. It was that she would focus on that one small thing caused by absentmindedness, picking fights about it, while not seeing the other things that he did do. Similar to my example of my DH leaving a blanket out (that I had to pick up because I'm home all day and it was in our way) but he took the time to do other things that were very considerate. Don't be so focused on what he doesn't do that you ignore everything that does get done. And that's fair. I don't want my DH to come home and be all "hey, you didn't pick up the living room or do any laundry" when I have dinner ready to go on the table and a new art project that I did with DD on the fridge. It also reminds me that the things that are important to me (keeping the LR tidy) don't necessarily align with DH's areas (making sure all the lightbulbs work, which I never notice until all are out) and that's ok.
And I can't say that I laughed when I picked up the blanket but I did it and it was fine. It would be really petty to complain about the blanket when he did other things around the house before leaving for work that took more time and effort.
She wasn't saying to never be mad or annoyed, just not to get so caught up in the little things that you fall into the trap of only noticing the things that are wrong and none of the things that are right.
You're not each other's live in critic. And, let nothing he does cause you to be embarrassed. He does stupid shit? That's on him. You do stupid shit? That's on you. And, there's no such thing as perfect. if you pick well, you're going to get, hopefully, 80 percent of what you want in a person, on any given day/week/year. The success or non-success of your marriage depends on how you manage with that other 20 percent.
This was really, really hard for me the first few years. H and I are very different - he's brazen and doesn't gaf about what other people think, etc, whereas I avoid making a public scene at all costs. It took me a loooong time (and the advice of an older neighbor!) to realize what you said. Just because we're married doesn't mean people view us as a hivemind.
This reminds me of that clip from Designing Women about crazy women in the south. Lol.