What would MM Do? Vacation edition

[loreleigilmore]

Five years ago, my SIL and her family plus mil/fil decide to go on a vacation at cabin.  My MIL/FIL invited DH/I and our DD.  We went up for part of the week since we were available.  The next year DH/DD went and I stayed home with our new baby because a 4 hour drive with an infant sounded like torture and it was the worst week professionally for me to be gone.  That year DH asked his family if they would be willing to move the cabin week to another week in the summer.  SIL told DH, no, it's our family vacation and you are welcome to come along but we aren't moving the date.  So we declined coming again.

Every year since, MIL has wanted us to come up with them.  Nothing has changed until this year.  They call us offering to change the week.  DH is excited that his family is finally listening.  His mom goes ahead and books a cabin without even talking to us about what week would work again.

Basically June is a bad month for us to go on vacation.  It sounds like they picked a week in June again.  It's better than the last week in June (which is the worst) but ideally July or August are much better.  I am fine just not going but I know that DH was really hurt by the previous scenario and wants to go.  But I don't want to give in on this issue.  I feel like they need to call us to check dates before booking a week long vacation. 

Penny for your thoughts.

[mbcdefg]

I would tell your H to say, "Sorry but we're not available that week. We'd like to come next time, but our schedules are tight so we need to have a hand in picking the date." 

Is MIL going to lose it if your H calls her and says, "Mom, what happened to your offer to book the cabin according to our schedule? I wish you had run this by me before you picked the date"? If not then maybe he just needs to lay it on the line for her. 

Also, around the times when his mom starts to plan stuff, your H should reach out to her and say, "We're interested in the cabin trip this year. Here are the weeks where we can make it." And then if she books something else just say, "Sorry, can't make it, have fun!" and just let go of the idea. Or plan something yourself on your own schedule and invite them to come along if they're able. 

I've run into this situation a few times with friends and family alike. We've learned that it's best to just make our own plans (and arrange our own transportation so we don't have to rely on anyone else), and we've developed a "Come along or don't, but we're doing XYZ either way" attitude after bending over backward a million times to try and accommodate other people ... people who usually end up screwing us over or bailing out at the last second anyway. 

[lurknomore]

Without knowing more, it sounds like you said this week doesn't work so they picked a different week to better suit you. Did you satan know we can do works? Or did you say this weekend June doesn't work? Where did you say no week in June works?

If it isn't impossible for you, then don't go. But if it isn't ideal, I think you suck it up and go, even if just for part of the week. We do stuff all the time based on family schedules. We live 1/2 across the country from both our families. DHs family has kids in high school, as are some of my sisters, so less flexibility to pull them out of school. But we try to air it work because it is important to DH and important for my kids to spend time with their extended family. Yes it sucks. Yes it's not considerate. But it's life.

[ddi741]

Are you paying in toward the vacation? If you are then they definitely should consult you before picking the week. If not, then while I admit it was weird to move it to seem like they were trying to include you but then not run the date by you, they really can just pick any week, but they also can't be mad if you can't make it.

[loreleigilmore]

They just asked if a different week would work better. I said yes, let us know the availability and they picked a random week again. Yes, they would expect us to pay towards the cost of a cabin. The cost would not be horrific (about $600 towards the cabin) but it really blows that they just decide on things without talking to us.

I think MIL will bitch if we don't come. And I know DH wants to go, which is affecting me as well. I hate that his family doesn't actually talk to us about stuff. They did this one other time where MIL just booked a cabin for us without asking and we didn't go. We never said we would go and suddenly they were asking for a deposit for a cabin.

Plusalso I'm crabby because we were talking about going on a family vacation next year since DH ends his masters program in August 2016. I just would like to do a family trip and I can see this eating away at his vacation.

Boo. I feel like I'll be the bad guy if we don't go.

[sfy]

If you can make it work in terms of your job, then I would go, not for your ILs, but for your H. If I were in your shoes, I'd be annoyed with my husband for wanting to go after what has transpired, but ultimately, I'd suck it up and go if it were feasible. If not, my next preference would be to send him and the kids, and lastly, to decline altogether.

On another note, it sounds like your SIL simply doesn't care if you guys make it or not. As someone who has allowed my family's vacation plans to be commandeered by extended family, I respect her resolve and wouldn't take it personally. It also seems like your MIL is determined to turn SIL's family vacation into the entire family vacation and that might be why she is restrained with the dates.

[ECB]

O.k, is this for NEXT year? If so, it's not too late for her to change it. How clear is your DH with her? I feel like he needs to really lay it out to her in no uncertain terms - "you need to clear the date w. us before booking. If you continue to book trips w/o asking us, then it's on YOU if we can't go". Is he dancing around it at all? If so, he needs to stop.

[lurknomore]

Jul 1, 2015 15:59:56 GMT -5 loreleigilmore said:

They just asked if a different week would work better. I said yes, let us know the availability and they picked a random week again. Yes, they would expect us to pay towards the cost of a cabin. The cost would not be horrific (about $600 towards the cabin) but it really blows that they just decide on things without talking to us.

I think MIL will bitch if we don't come. And I know DH wants to go, which is affecting me as well. I hate that his family doesn't actually talk to us about stuff. They did this one other time where MIL just booked a cabin for us without asking and we didn't go. We never said we would go and suddenly they were asking for a deposit for a cabin.

Plusalso I'm crabby because we were talking about going on a family vacation next year since DH ends his masters program in August 2016. I just would like to do a family trip and I can see this eating away at his vacation.

Boo. I feel like I'll be the bad guy if we don't go.

It sounds like they gave it a half hearted try and didn't really think thru it carefully. Oh, another week works. Great! Not, oh another week works, great we'll see if this week is better. That's how both mine and DH's families work. I get it. I would either go for part of the trip (whole fam or just DH and the kids) so to save some vaca for the fall.

[ECB]

I do have to ask too - what are the issues around your SIL? You seem upset she won't change the dates, but yet you have preferred times that you want to go. She may prefer this time of the summer. She's not wrong for that. And I agree w/ the PP - SIL may be on the opposite side to this. Her family has their reasons for going when they go, but they are dealing w/ MIL wanting to move it to appease you all. . But you're upset because, up until now, they've been appeasing SIL.

[WOT?*]

If you can make it this year, then I would try to go. But I would be adamant that this would be the last year you would do this without any input. Next year, when the planning time rolls around, be proactive and say "these are the dates that will work for us. Anything else and we won't be able to come." If she insists on booking at SIL's dates, then you have an out for not going and they can't lay the blame on you and your DH. And this should be done by DH, not you. Or he can address it with MIL after you guys get back. "We had a lot of fun but some things need to change if you want this to continue. We NEED input into the dates if you want to include us."

[loreleigilmore]

ECB I don't really care if we go. We were totally okay with them doing their own thing. But if people call us and invite us to go I then expect to have a say in what week we go, especially if we are paying our way.

I also should've been clearer in the original post. They are calling and booking for summer 2016.

[ECB]

Jul 1, 2015 17:05:13 GMT -5 loreleigilmore said:

ECB I don't really care if we go. We were totally okay with them doing their own thing. But if people call us and invite us to go I then expect to have a say in what week we go, especially if we are paying our way.

I also should've been clearer in the original post. They are calling and booking for summer 2016.

O.k. - you're o.k with them doing their own thing but your whole OP is about how DH is upset that they previously wouldn't change the date AND how he really wants to go.... 

I fully agree- you should have a say and if you don't want to go, then don't go.  I don't blame you.  But your OP didn't give me the impression that your DH is totes o.k. w/ them going w/o you all.  

[mrsfarmer]

Did you ever tell them not in June? If all that was said was that a different week would work better, then maybe MIL just assumed any other week was fine?

[msmerymac]

I'm assuming you have a fiscal year that ends in June? I'd send your husband and kids if you need to, but your H should have a convo saying, "Hmm, well, Lorelei might not be able to make that, because June is really tight in general. We'll see what we can do, but in the future, July and August are basically the only vacation options we have."

[vanillacourage]

If you're telling them the timing is bad, you need to throw out dates that DO work for you.

It sounds like your MIL has glommed on to your SIL's family vacation. I don't blame SIL for not wanting to be super-accommodating.

[macmars45]

Your H needs to be very upfront and specific with his mom/dad. And ultimately you need to do what's best for your family and not what will make your MIL/FIL happy.

My family does the same every year but it's H who can't go. There were two weeks that were proposed for this summer (the 1st & 2nd week of August). I told my family, if you want H to be able to go it has to be the 2nd week. They picked the 1st week. Luckily, H doesn't care too much. I don't know what we'll do when we have kids. *sigh*

[Muddled]

If you can't go, you can't go. It's not like they bent over backwards to include you.

[Deleted]

Is the issue that you don't want to set a precident for future years? It sounds like you can make it this year, but you're concerned that if you let them get away with planning it this way, they'll continue doing that.

I think what I'd do is try to make it work this year, especially since it sounds like your H wants to go. YOU don't care either way, but it sounds like he does. So you guys should make the effort. But you also should have a conversation with MIL about how it was difficult for you to arrange your schedule and in the future they NEED to run the dates by you before booking. Make it clear you won't be able to accommodate again in the future. And then stick to that in the future.

[Deleted]

Do you think SIL set this up for her family and your MIL/FIL invited you without discussing it with them? If yes, I can understand why they are inflexible with moving the date.
However, since you have to pay for your share, I do think its fair to get input on the dates. Can you just tell them that you'd love to come if its not in June?
Incidentally, I just asked my parents if they wanted to go on a short trip with my H/DS & I so it colors my view of your post. Right away my mom starts talking about how my 2 siblings would want to go. I dropped the subject. I was asking THEM to go, not the entire family--but we don't get a long at all so there is that.

[livinitup]

What would I do?

I would book what I wanted in August and invite them. And skip the June thing entirely.

[loreleigilmore]

I will say that every year we get bitched at by the entire family for not coming. We have stood our ground that we cannot come the last week in June every year.

When it was originally brought up 5 years ago, it was touted as a entire family vacation. When we asked to move it then it became SIL's vacation and we let it go. I'm fine not going. But I know that DH would like to go but he has continuously backed me up that if we are going on a vacation that we should get a say in the dates. And those dates don't work and with his limited vacation it's not fair if about 1/2 of his vacation is used away from his primary family (me and kids).

But the good news is that we let the in laws know that we need to look at July or August (for the millionth time) and they are getting back to us. It's exhausting trying to plan anything with them.

[ECB]

Good update. By standing firm, you're making them hear you. We have to do this w fil at times. It's frustrating but the only thing that works.