When she gets here, there's a 50/50 chance she'll act reasonable. [/quote]
When she gets here? Oh no, she just said she wasn't coming. I would hold her to that. If later she mentions coming, I would bring up how she says she wasn't coming, and posted on Facebook a vague allusion to me not caring. Don't let her get away with that bullshit.
To follow on sonrisa, have you clearly told her why you do this? While she's being ridiculous, if she is told it's not about HER, it might help. Like, does she know you do the same for your sister?
I was about to say "Hell yes!" but then I realized that I don't actually run things by him, I only tell him about it after the plans have been made. He'd never do the opposite though.
She has some serious issues. You are not odd at all. I would be shocked if my H didn't ask me if we could have someone over and he'd expect the same from me. It's just common good manners.
Yes we tell each other, but we don't ask. It just seems like something most people would communicate on. Even when I lived with my girlfriends, there was always a "heads up, so and so is coming over, put on pants please" kinda thing.
Post by ginandjucie24 on Jul 6, 2015 8:17:26 GMT -5
Yes, we always ask each other.
My mom would get mad as well, when I would say "let check with DH" she would see it as me asking his permission to allow me to have my own mother stay with us (those were her words) :/.
I told her my H and I are are a team and it common courtesy to let each other know.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Jul 6, 2015 8:17:42 GMT -5
We ask/tell in advance for visitors staying for a short visit, so absolutely yes for an overnight guest. I try not to phrase it as "asking DH" because if I come back with a no answer, that is pretty obvious. I will tell people I need to make sure we are free.
Post by polarbearfans on Jul 6, 2015 8:24:24 GMT -5
Overnight guests definitely involve a discussion. I wouldn't even have someone over without talking to my husband first. It would be more "hey so and so is coming over" if he wouldn't be home, but if he was going to be home we would discuss it more. Nothing worse than coming home to a guest after a tough day at work, or trying to entertain an overnight guest the day before a big day at work.
I'm bad about this....sometimes I don't. My H is social, but lacks social initiative....he won't reach out to set up gtgs or anything. So I will often set something up and tell him afterwards. We keep up with each others schedules, so I know when we are available.
I've also offered our house as a place to stay for a friend one evening without checking with him first. He's always cool about it, but I probably should start checking in more. It wouldn't bother me if he offered our place to a friend for a night though....and hell, I'd like it if he would start setting up gtgs with friends more often than he does now. lol
Anyways. I completely understand that this doesn't work for some or even most people. So it wouldn't phase me if a friend or family member said they need to check in with a spouse first. Its weird that your mom is taking such offense.
Ugh... She just posted on FB that she had a horrible day, but at least she knows who really cares now.
And then she sent me a text saying she wasn't coming.
I'd send a bright response: "Thanks for letting me know! See you next time!"
Sue sue is wise.
Do not chase a P/A asshole with groveling. You will only play into your mom's fantasy that her wants override your marriage and peace within your own home to kowtow to her temper tantrum. That's a big ol' NOPE.
I would murder my DH if he agreed to a houseguest without so much as a phone call to clear it with me. We have a terrible setup for guests. Our main bathroom is off the hallway and the only one with a tub or even space to turn around. It has 2 sinks and a linen closet. The master bath, in comparison, is so tiny that only 1 person can physically fit in there at a time. I have a 3YO to bathe in the main BA and all of our toiletries are hidden in there. Having overnight guests would throw off our entire routine.
Ugh... She just posted on FB that she had a horrible day, but at least she knows who really cares now.
And then she sent me a text saying she wasn't coming.
I'd send a bright response: "Thanks for letting me know! See you next time!"
Or maybe "Thanks for letting me know! Maybe next time!" That way, you're telling her that there MAY be a next time, or maybe there won't be, she can't just assume that there will be a next time.
It's a courtesy. I can't imagine him saying NO if I asked, but I of course ask before having people in his home that will inconvenience him. Even if you have your favorite person in the world staying with you, it alters your routine and causes some (even minor) inconvenience.
Funny because yes I would for sure and expect the same. but last week I invited his friend to sleep over with his daughter because they girls were playing so well and they live so far away. DH was a little annoyed with me. he's like "You should have run it by me". and I was all "he's YOUR friend" but after thinking on it I realized that ya.. I was wrong.
I think your mother is being bossy and controlling by acting like it is an imposition for HER to wait until you discuss her overnight trip with your DH. Of course you check with DH if you plan to add your mother to the trip. What if it is a problem for some reason?? Doesn't he get to have a CONVERSATION with you before you tell your mother "yes"?
We do. I think it's a common courtesy to let the person you live with know that other people will be in your home.
DH goes through really busy periods at work and hates house guests at those times. If we were in your situation he would be ok with my sister coming (1 person is nbd and can be helpful with our kid) but multiple people just adds to his stress.
Post by prettyinpearls on Jul 6, 2015 11:57:46 GMT -5
I don't invite people to stay with us, but that's mostly because the majority of our family is local. In your situation, of course I'd talk to H about it and vice versa.
Yes, we ask each other. I know I would be super pissed if I got home and there were random people in my house I wasn't expecting so I assume he feels the same we I ask.
Post by mariafromnj on Jul 6, 2015 19:32:12 GMT -5
MH is pretty laid back and I would just mention to him if someone was stoping bye. He wouldn't care. If someone was coming for a few days I would have to talk to him 1st just because it is the right thing to do not because he would care.
I think I'd be kind of irritated if H didn't tell me. I don't need to be asked generally, but I prefer not to be surprised when a guest rings the doorbell. And if someone is staying over night? Hell yes, we tell each other.
Are you telling your mom, "Let me see if it's ok with DH if you come." or are you saying, "Let me check to see if DH already has something else planned for us that weekend."
it's just semantics but the first version implies your DH might not want her around while the second implies you might have other plans but she is welcome any other time.
ETA: I just read the rest of the thread so I change my answer. Clearly, your mom will take issue no matter how you phrase it because she is a passive aggressive manipulator. Disregard my entire post.