Do you tell your DH

[aprilludgate]

Before you invite people over?  Would you think it's weird if someone said they were checking with their SO before inviting you over?

DH and I have a rule that we have to discuss it with each other before inviting someone over. Especially if the other person will be home.  Especially if it's for several days. 

My sister will be spending two-ish weeks with us later this month, and this morning my mom called and said she wanted to come. They both live out of town, and my mom had a good reason for wanting to come, so I wasn't necessarily opposed to it. I said I would check with DH and get back to her. She's been pissed all day because I "only said that because DH doesn't like her."  We go through this every time she wants to come over, and I really don't get being mad at this. I can't imagine inviting someone to spend several nights without asking DH if he was ok with it first. 

[cville]

Of course. I'd slay him in his sleep if he invited anyone over without checking with me first, so it's only fair.

[SKP82]

We don't have a "rule" to ask, but we do anyway.

[blabbermouth]

I at the very least TELL him, if not ASK him. And that's for one time guests, not overnight guests!

[phdprocrastinator]

Definitely confirm with dh for friends. And I expect the same from him.

Usually my family takes a while to confirm plans to visit so I don't know if I've ever said "let me check with him" but he's never been surprised that they're coming... My mom would be a drama llama if I said those words. I feel your pain.

[lilac05]

Yes, I check with him. He'd never say no, unless there was a REALLY good reason, but it's just common courtesy.

Is she wanting to come at the same time as your sister? If so, I would have accepted on the spot. You schedule is already cleared/accommodating company in town.

If it's a different date, I'd say that I needed to "check my calendar." That way, if the timing is not good for your H, you're not throwing him under the bus as the reason she cannot come.

[eb777888]

Well, yeah. We check with each other before inviting people over and/or making plans with other people. It's just polite to make sure he/I don't have something else planned and it's common courtesy since we live together and stuff. We're a couple who have a kid, we have to work out all of the details. I'd think it's pretty standard.

[eb777888]

Well, I wouldn't call it a rule. It just makes sense.

[birdistheword]

If someone is just coming over to hang out? We tell each other, but don't really "ask."

If he invited someone to come spend several nights without asking I'd murder him.

[aprilludgate]

Jul 5, 2015 22:32:46 GMT -5 lilac05 said:

Yes, I check with him. He'd never say no, unless there was a REALLY good reason, but it's just common courtesy.

Is she wanting to come at the same time as your sister? If so, I would have accepted on the spot. You schedule is already cleared/accommodating company in town.

If it's a different date, I'd say that I needed to "check my calendar." That way, if the timing is not good for your H, you're not throwing him under the bus as the reason she cannot come.

 
It's the same time. However, we only have one guest bedroom, and, more importantly, my mom is a much, much higher maintenance guest than my sister. 

"Checking my calendar" is great. I'll remember that for next time. 

[aprilludgate]

Jul 5, 2015 22:29:51 GMT -5 SKP82 said:

We don't have a "rule" to ask, but we do anyway.

We both forgot once or twice when we first got married.  Making a 'rule' was our way of agreeing that it would never happen again. It's cheesy, but it worked. 

[suzubell]

Yes, of course we do. He just asked tonight after a friend called him and asked if he could come for a weekend.

[sapphireblue]

We have never discussed it as a policy or rule. But I would expect him to do so, and I would do the same for him.

I'm not great at switching gears so I need to mentally plan if someone is coming over so I'm in a sociable mood when they get there.

[m1and1m]

I don't ask if it's my family, but that's because they all live far away and I rarely get to see them. In the 15 years we've been together, I've had family members come stay five times. It's so rare that he would never object to it.
Friends and his family, we always clear it with each other first.

[RoxMonster]

Oh yeah. We always check with each other. I would be livid if DH invited his mom to stay with us, especially for an extended period of time, without checking with me first. And he would be rightly pissed if I were to do the same thing.

[1confused1]

I'm pretty sure that's common courtesy.

[aprilludgate]

Ugh... She just posted on FB that she had a horrible day, but at least she knows who really cares now.

And then she sent me a text saying she wasn't coming.

[Dusky]

I don't always run it by him before agreeing, but I always warn him somebody is coming before they actually arrive.

[everyjuan]

I always did, if only for the reason that I didn't want him to do that to me.

[EmilieMadison]

Always. I mean, I even tell him if I have a friend stopping over after dinner for an hour or so or something. 
Your mom has issues.

[nadasteph]

Not really, but our families don't really ask, they mostly inform us they are coming. Our pre agreed upon ground rules are no one comes for longer than 2 nights, so as long as it's a short visit it's nbd.

[dexteroni]

Of course. I would check with him if it was for an evening, let alone a house guest for several days. Is it out of character for your mom to be like this? Because she's way overreacting.

[W.T.Faulkner]

The only time I don't think to check in is if I know FI is working that night and the person will be gone before he gets home. (This is usually, like, my sister or something.) Other than that, I always check in with him.

[adhdfashion]

I always check with my H. It seems like a common courtesy thing to me.

[aprilludgate]

Jul 5, 2015 23:15:01 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Of course. I would check with him if it was for an evening, let alone a house guest for several days. Is it out of character for your mom to be like this? Because she's way overreacting.

Unfortunately, it's not out of character. That's why I asked. I thought maybe we were doing something weird by checking with each other. We go through this exact scenario almost every time she comes over. When she gets here, there's a 50/50 chance she'll act reasonable.

[lilac05]

Jul 5, 2015 22:59:23 GMT -5 aprilludgate said:

Ugh... She just posted on FB that she had a horrible day, but at least she knows who really cares now.

And then she sent me a text saying she wasn't coming.

Gee...with crap like that, I see why you weren't jumping for joy at the thought of her coming!

[Sloane]

So strange, of course we would "ask" or check in with a guest that was staying any length of time, I mean I would with a roommate situation as a courtesy so I definitely would with DH who would be expected to do part of the hosting.

[10nille]

She's manipulative, so it is hard for her to understand a couple having an open discussion on guests.

[killercupcake]

Yes.

H used to invite his brother and his family over and THEN tell me he did it. I finally broke him of that habit. It was the most infuriating thing to me and he could not understand why.

[sonrisa]

Jul 5, 2015 23:17:41 GMT -5 aprilludgate said:

It's time for a frank talk with her. 

"I know it isn't the way your marriage works [worked], but I will always check with DH before having an overnight guest. It isn't personal. I still love you. It would make things so much easier if you could come to terms with that rather than getting upset every time."