Leave it to MIL to be an asshole

[SallySparrow]

 

In case you've missed previous posts about my psychotic MIL, the backstory is that she's an alcoholic, and a mean one. DH asked her to get help right after Easter, and she flipped out on him. Now about once or twice a week she e-mails him and tells him what a terrible son he is, how he's an awful father to A, that he's "just like his dad" (they're divorced, and that's actually a compliment, but whatever), how our marriage is going to fail because I don't really love him, etc. Really, truly awful things. She's e-mailed me before and just spewed insult about how I'm fat and a bitch and I don't respect her. I don't engage. I delete anything with her name on it that makes it into my email. It's all just really insane stuff. DH and I grew up in the same hometown and she's also taken rumors re: my parents divorce (16 years ago) and tried to use that to upset me. Some of this stuff has happened when she's stone cold sober, so I think DH is starting to see that it's just her shitty personality.



So, we announced on facebook yesterday re: this pregnancy. We had a doctor's appt in the morning and everything looked great, and A got some pro pics done, so we posted a sneak peak of one of those. We had already told everyone personally that we needed to tell, including MIL, because even though they aren't really talking much, DH didn't want her to hear it from anyone else. I told him this was a bad life decision, don't poke the beast, but whatever. She acted happy when DH told her. Then, several hours later, she e-mailed him and just went off about how we are awful people, and she couldn't believe we were going to use this baby to "hurt her" (I have no idea where that came from) and she said she didn't want to hear about, or meet, "that baby" because we were just going to make it impossible for her to be in it's life anyway.



I KNOW DH needs to just stop talking to her. And he's starting therapy week after next, thank God, and hopefully the therapist will tell him to just cut her off. But right now he won't because she's his "mom" and I'm like, "Umm...I know you have nothing to compare it to, but good moms don't treat their kids like this". He says he knows, but he just keeps letting her get to him and it's about to make me lost my mind. I don't know what else to do, I'm tired of seeing him so upset about it all the time, and I'm tired of her dominating our conversations because we're always talking about what shitty asshole thing she said recently.





So yeah, that is the stupid long story about how my MIL is an insane human being. Still. I would say don't quote because I'll delete, but at this point, I don't care if someone accidentally stumbles upon it. I've kept my mouth shut this whole time because I didn't want to sink to her level, but I am about ready to lose my cool.

[curbsideprophet]

I'm sorry

[badtzmaru22]

::hugs:: I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My MIL is similar, except instead of alcoholic, I think she legitimately has a personality disorder, but she is the same with the nasty emails and guilt trips. I feel so bad for my DH and yours, because no one deserves to be treated that way, especially from their own mom, and it can be really hard to come to terms with just cutting them off.

DH has stopped speaking to MIL (and FIL, they are still married) at times, but is currently not speaking to them again, and also blocked them on FB and from calling/texting our phones, which is the most extreme measure he's ever taken, and I've been in the picture for 12+ years. Anyway, you're not alone. Feel free to vent away here, but seeing a therapist might help you as well. It's hard to deal with the fallout when your spouse is dealing with crazy people.

[badtzmaru22]

PS, congrats on your pregnancy! I'm not sure I knew/remembered!

[Muddled]

Our marriage improved so much when MIL stopped being the primary topic of conversation. She was our biggest stressor for years.

I hope you find your balance soon.

[Velar Fricative]

That's awful, I'm so sorry. I hope therapy helps your H. I'm a believer in ridding oneself of toxic people no matter how close the relation is.

[meltoine]

That sucks. I'm sorry.

[barefootcontessa]

Sorry she is trying to ruin such a happy event. Hopefully your DH can find the fortitude to cut her off. It has to be wearing on you.

[Deleted]

I am sorry.

She definitely doesn't sound well.

Stay strong and do what you have to do.

[MNH2013]

I'm really sorry. You might not remember but my MIL is similar and H finally cut contact. While I always told him I would support whatever his decision is I also helped nudge a little to get to that point. (Similar to things you say) I think therapy will also help him possibly get to that point.

Feel free to message me if you want to chat or just let some steam off.

BTW I loved the picture and thought it was very cute!

[SallySparrow]

Thanks, everyone. It's just so exhausting.

[SallySparrow]

Jul 8, 2015 7:50:29 GMT -5 badtzmaru22 said:

::hugs:: I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My MIL is similar, except instead of alcoholic, I think she legitimately has a personality disorder, but she is the same with the nasty emails and guilt trips. I feel so bad for my DH and yours, because no one deserves to be treated that way, especially from their own mom, and it can be really hard to come to terms with just cutting them off.

DH has stopped speaking to MIL (and FIL, they are still married) at times, but is currently not speaking to them again, and also blocked them on FB and from calling/texting our phones, which is the most extreme measure he's ever taken, and I've been in the picture for 12+ years. Anyway, you're not alone. Feel free to vent away here, but seeing a therapist might help you as well. It's hard to deal with the fallout when your spouse is dealing with crazy people.

I see a therapist already. I love therapy. lol   I think that's what convinced DH to do it, because I've had such good luck with it myself. 

[cinco]

I'm sorry. That is awful. I hope the therapy helps your DH. We are going through something similar w/FIL and are at the cut him off stage. Sometimes it is for the best.

[countthestars]

Ugh, I'm sorry.

[pinotgrig]

I'm sorry. That's a lot to deal with. I hope he's able to break free from a toxic relationship with her. Even thiugh she's his mom, she's also a human being (as is he) and should be treating others with a modicum of respect.

[robyn]

I'm so sorry you are going through this! A few months before DH and I got married some things came to a head wit his horrible father and step-mother and he cut them off. We talked at length before we got married that they would not be in our lives going forward, would not be allowed to interact with or know our children, etc. FF a few years and we decide we are ready to TTC. DH says he can't imagine having a child and it not know his father. FUCK! So off to counseling we go. They are toxic people who have not changed at all since he originally cut them off. Counseling helped him so much, and me too. We did it as marriage counseling because it was an issue in our marriage with him wanting now to allow his father back in, but he did some individual counseling as well. The counselor really helped him see that our future children would still have lots of wonderful Grandfather figures in their lives, and a toxic Grandparent is not worth it.

We were very excited to send her a birth announcement last fall after DD was born and a thank you note. I really hope your DH gets a similar benefit from counseling, whether cutting her off is the outcome or learning ways to cope with her toxicity. It's so hard to come to those kind of realizations about your parents as an adult. DH has done really well with all of it and I'm sure your DH will too. Hugs in the meantime, it's a rough road to go down.

[jene]

I'm sorry, that is really awful to have to deal with that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

[aspentosh]

Ugh, I'm sorry.

[hermione]

I'd consider cutting her out of your life even if your H chooses not to cut her out of his. I know that's difficult logistically and emotionally but from your posts it sounds totally justified.

[osulori]

I'm so sorry you're both dealing with this

[bowies]

I'm so sorry. My mom can be a righteous asshole too (though not to this degree) so I can sympathize. I've cut her off before and not felt bad about it. Kids complicate it though, so I can also sympathize with your H not wanting to let go of his hope. It's hard to remove a grandparent when you so desperately want one for your child. I'm glad he's going to therapy, it helped me a lot too.

[cjeanette]

It sounds like she is upset that she doesn't have a good relationship with you guys and is upset that she won't get to really see this baby.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I would just cut her out completely right now.

[Deleted]

I can relate. My dad is similar. Although he doesn't initiate much contact which is nice. He speaks mostly nicely to me but talks shit about my mom and husband. I spend about 10 minutes a year talking to him and send him some cards and pictures of my son on the appropriate holidays. It makes life so much easier.

[Alyssa]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I dated a guy in HS and into college who had a mother who could have easily turned into a total monster-in-law. That woman hated me for the entire 7 years I dated her son....for reasons that to this day I don't know why. I never insulted her but it was a single mother/only child household and it was almost a jealousy issue of me taking her son away and her fighting not to be the 3rd wheel in her own home.


My MIL now is nice but she is sort of a nutcase at times, no where near as bad as the other mother. We get a lot of victim card pulling but that's about the extent of it. She has baggage because she grew up in a shitty household with a father who abused her in more ways than one. So it's been a rough ride at times. We just stop talking to her when she gets out of control. She acts like a child and you can't reason with someone who is acting like that. Just the other day she called up demanding the birthday money she gave our son back in March because SHE felt like we hadn't spent it on anything. Who calls up wanting their $100 that they gave your child for a present and then hangs up on you? Well in her mind, that made total sense. She later called and apologized. I just get tired of her games....everything has strings attached to it with her.

[holly116]

Hugs. My mom is similar to this except add in the fact that she believes she's psychic and goes to psychics all the time. So she KNOWS things. Horrible things about people like my inlaws and my dad. And spews it out, completely justified even though she's completely crazy. I cut off contact a year ago after she lost it when I went out to dinner with my dad. They're obviously divorced.

It was very cyclical till I went to therapy. She would do/say incredibly hurtful things and I would pull back, but eventually lower my guard and she would pretend nothing had happened. And then it'd happen again. Year and years of this. Basically my entire life. I struggled with cutting her off completely because she's my mom. I tried boundaries, we had a hell of a blowout when DD was born and those limits held for a while. But it's just never, ever enough for her.

I really struggled and still do to an extent, with keeping my kids from her. She didn't like my dad's parents and I was kept from that entire side of the family. Like I have cousins that I wouldn't know if I passed them on the street. So I didn't want to do the same thing. But my therapist explained to me that her manipulation wouldn't stop with me.. That if given the opportunity, she would certainly use all her tricks on my kids. That right there is my line and what I remember when I start to think I should let her in. I will never allow my kids to feel that bottom of the stomach fear of conditional love that she uses to manipulate. Never.

So, all the hugs in the world. I hope therapy really helps your DH. I know it was really hard for my DH to watch all of the crazy as an outsider and she was so nasty to him. He thanks God that I was finally strong enough to stop the cycle.

[redheadbaker]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Vent as much as you need to here.