WWYD in this situation?

[ijack]

I'm sure most of you remember the mom and daughter that we had live with us this winter. Today is the daughter's bday and they've invited my girls over for a small bday party tonight. I am fairly certain that the dad is out on parole again and there is a possibility that he'll be there tonight. If he is, would you let your kids attend this gathering provided that they are in your sight the entire time or would you drop the gift and leave?
For those that don't know, the dad is a convicted child molester who has a history of not following his parole orders. The mom and I haven't kept in great touch (which is why I don't know for certain if he'll be there or not) and she texted my H and invited the girls and he's already responded that they'll be there.

[ijack]

Jul 15, 2015 12:36:13 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

 I'd be curious to see how they are doing and hope that my kid's presence at the party will be a positive for this girl who obviously has a rough life.

This is the only reason I'm even considering it. I know she doesn't have a ton of friends and the constant moving is really hard on her

[josieposy]

Why in the hell would H respond without talking to you first, knowing full well the backstory?

I guess I'd say maybe, but only if i was going to be there myself.

[hopecounts]

I probably would if I could trust my child to follow my instruction to stay in the main area in sight for a short stop by visit.
I'd be nervous but would hate for the poor kid to be punished anymore then she already is for her Mom's crappy decisions so I would make a short visit to the party then have an excuse to leave early.

[ijack]

Jul 15, 2015 12:39:13 GMT -5 josieposy said:

Why in the hell would H respond without talking to you first, knowing full well the backstory?

I guess I'd say maybe, but only if i was going to be there myself.

Because he probably didn't even think about the dad being out. He tends not to think things through very well sometimes.

[Skyesthelimit1212]

I think the daughter needs some normalcy in her life, but on the other hand for me personally, I wouldn't want my child to be in the same room with that man, even if she were strapped to my leg. Can you ask if the father will be there? If she says yes, then I'd say you're not comfortable with you los being there and say lets make plans for the girls to get together for a play day at the park on another day.

[josieposy]

Jul 15, 2015 12:41:24 GMT -5 ijack said:

Jul 15, 2015 12:39:13 GMT -5 josieposy said:

Why in the hell would H respond without talking to you first, knowing full well the backstory?

I guess I'd say maybe, but only if i was going to be there myself.

Because he probably didn't even think about the dad being out. He tends not to think things through very well sometimes.

Ugh. Been there. I'd just be like "REALLY?"

[ttt]

I would stop by for a brief time, maybe 30 minutes, as long as you're in the same room and have a hawk's eye on her. And even if he's there, the chances of something happening are probably very, very low. Not a chance I'd want to take as far as leaving your child there alone, obviously, but I don't think you need to fret about your daughter's safety being there for half an hour with you supervising.

[underwaterrhymes]

I really feel for the daughter, but, no, I wouldn't go.

I was touched inappropriately when I was 12 by a family friend while my mom was upstairs, and I would not want my children around a known child molester, regardless of whether I attended and was able to keep them within my line of sight.

[omgzombies]

I think it depends on how much drama you are opening yourself up for. If it's going to cause guilt trips about not helping out more, or if you think there would likely be a huge scene if you left, then I wouldn't attend. A polite call and say that H forgot to check the calendar and you can't attend after all will suffice, maybe send a present in the mail.

If you're either sure there won't be drama or that you are mentally up for dealing with the possible drama that may ensue, then I would go. If it turns out that he was there I would leave, and I would not bother couching the fact that he was the reason why. You are not responsible for making the girls life easier, that's her mama's job, and the number one thing she can do is get rid of the known child molester. If he shows up, I would also contact the local police department, because I can't imagine a scenario in which it's ok for him to attend with other children present (I'm honestly surprised he's allowed visitation at all without a court ordered representative there). If other children are there it would almost certainly be in violation of his parole. If that girl's mother isn't doing her job and protecting her daughter (and the other kids attending the party), then you have a responsibility to make sure they are safe. Speak up and use your voice, children need advocates.

[sushi]

I don't have kids, but I'd go and leave the second he shows up

[Skyesthelimit1212]

Jul 15, 2015 12:47:36 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

Jul 15, 2015 12:42:05 GMT -5 Skyesthelimit1212 said:

I think the daughter needs some normalcy in her life, but on the other hand for me personally, I wouldn't want my child to be in the same room with that man, even if she were strapped to my leg. Can you ask if the father will be there? If she says yes, then I'd say you're not comfortable with you los being there and say lets make plans for the girls to get together for a play day at the park on another day.

I really don't understand this, though.  I mean, I know I'm generally breezy, but in this case, I just don't see the harm.  Hate to say it, but we're probably in the presence of child molesters with our kids all the time.  

Mine is just coming from personal experience with my childhood, so for me this situation screams "stay away".

[hopecounts]

Jul 15, 2015 12:49:56 GMT -5 omgzombies said:

I think it depends on how much drama you are opening yourself up for. If it's going to cause guilt trips about not helping out more, or if you think there would likely be a huge scene if you left, then I wouldn't attend. A polite call and say that H forgot to check the calendar and you can't attend after all will suffice, maybe send a present in the mail.

If you're either sure there won't be drama or that you are mentally up for dealing with the possible drama that may ensue, then I would go. If it turns out that he was there I would leave, and I would not bother couching the fact that he was the reason why. You are not responsible for making the girls life easier, that's her mama's job, and the number one thing she can do is get rid of the known child molester. If he shows up, I would also contact the local police department, because I can't imagine a scenario in which it's ok for him to attend with other children present (I'm honestly surprised he's allowed visitation at all without a court ordered representative there). If other children are there it would almost certainly be in violation of his parole. If that girl's mother isn't doing her job and protecting her daughter (and the other kids attending the party), then you have a responsibility to make sure they are safe. Speak up and use your voice, children need advocates.

In general a Sex Offenders own children are exempt from the guidelines, and the Mom would have to file for and request supervised visitation for family court to apply that unless the child was the victim. 
It may well be that him being at the party would violate his Parole though so she should google her state laws and not hesitate to call the police if he is in violation. 

[jeaniebueller]

I wouldn't go. I feel bad for the girl, but these people are too much drama.

[omgzombies]

Jul 15, 2015 12:58:57 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Jul 15, 2015 12:49:56 GMT -5 omgzombies said:

I think it depends on how much drama you are opening yourself up for. If it's going to cause guilt trips about not helping out more, or if you think there would likely be a huge scene if you left, then I wouldn't attend. A polite call and say that H forgot to check the calendar and you can't attend after all will suffice, maybe send a present in the mail.

If you're either sure there won't be drama or that you are mentally up for dealing with the possible drama that may ensue, then I would go. If it turns out that he was there I would leave, and I would not bother couching the fact that he was the reason why. You are not responsible for making the girls life easier, that's her mama's job, and the number one thing she can do is get rid of the known child molester. If he shows up, I would also contact the local police department, because I can't imagine a scenario in which it's ok for him to attend with other children present (I'm honestly surprised he's allowed visitation at all without a court ordered representative there). If other children are there it would almost certainly be in violation of his parole. If that girl's mother isn't doing her job and protecting her daughter (and the other kids attending the party), then you have a responsibility to make sure they are safe. Speak up and use your voice, children need advocates.

In general a Sex Offenders own children are exempt from the guidelines, and the Mom would have to file for and request supervised visitation for family court to apply that unless the child was the victim. 
It may well be that him being at the party would violate his Parole though so she should google her state laws and not hesitate to call the police if he is in violation. 

That could very well be, but the moment any other child shows up (ie ijacks kids), then there would no longer be an exemption.

[speckledfrog]

Jul 15, 2015 12:47:36 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

Jul 15, 2015 12:42:05 GMT -5 Skyesthelimit1212 said:

I think the daughter needs some normalcy in her life, but on the other hand for me personally, I wouldn't want my child to be in the same room with that man, even if she were strapped to my leg. Can you ask if the father will be there? If she says yes, then I'd say you're not comfortable with you los being there and say lets make plans for the girls to get together for a play day at the park on another day.

I really don't understand this, though.  I mean, I know I'm generally breezy, but in this case, I just don't see the harm.  Hate to say it, but we're probably in the presence of child molesters with our kids all the time.  

Taking a calculated risk (letting them out on their own when there are child molesters in the world) is different than putting them at risk (allowing them to spend time with a known and convicted child molester).

ijack, can you just ask the mom if he's going to be there?

[ttt]

I am pretty sure this guy was not supposed to be allowed to visit his daughter but was doing so anyway. And the mom was helping him to hide it. 

[miniroller]

Tough situation, OP. I can absolutely see you attending for this poor girl, & like a pp said- basically keeping your kids strapped to your leg.
However, the more I think about it, the more I'm in favor of texting the mom to see if dad is going to be present. If he is, then tell her you guys need to retract your acceptance but you'd love to take bday girl out on one of these three days. I'd make your day out w/ bday girl extra special, & erase any of your guilt on not attending.
This way the poor daughter isn't hurt by her parents foolish life decisions, but the mom sees there are indeed consequences to allowing this man back in her (& dd's) life. Not everyone is going to turn a blind eye!

[msmerymac]

She knows your feelings on this, right? Can you text and just ask if he'll be around?

[ijack]

Yeah, him violating parole is a whole different conversation. I'm hoping that they've wised up enough that if it is against his parole to be there (and I'm 99.9% certain it would be), then he won't be there. But he's been back in jail 2x now just for parole violations. They aren't the sharpest pencils in the box :/

[ijack]

She won't respond to my texts if I ask, I know her well enough to know that.

[omgzombies]

Jul 15, 2015 13:08:53 GMT -5 ijack said:

She won't respond to my texts if I ask, I know her well enough to know that.

Then you have the answer.  There is no sense in being friends or even acquaintances with someone who does not consider other people and their concerns about their own children's safety.  This is not worth it.

[iammalcolmx]

Why are you still in contact with these people? Do you like chaos?

[ttt]

Jul 15, 2015 13:08:53 GMT -5 ijack said:

She won't respond to my texts if I ask, I know her well enough to know that.

OK then I would skip the party. I feel terrible for this little girl, but no. 

[sonrisa]

I'd call the mom and be upfront with her. "Will her father be there? We'd love to see you. However, I won't bring the girls if he is coming. We'd love to celebrate at a separate time if he is."

I'd tell her that I'd call his parole officer if he shows up at any event my kids attend.

[dottyblue]

No. Do not go. You need to protect your girls and that means not knowingly and willingly exposing them to child molesters. I realize he may not be there, but you won't know until you are in a very awkward situation.

If you go, and allow your girls to be around this guy, they will assume he is "safe" or a friend (or at least trusted acquantaince) of yours/your DH's. No. You can't risk that. He needs to remain a stranger.

[sonrisa]

Jul 15, 2015 13:27:36 GMT -5 dottyblue said:

If you go, and allow your girls to be around this guy, they will assume he is "safe" or a friend (or at least trusted acquantaince) of yours/your DH's. No. You can't risk that. He needs to remain a stranger.

And they need to remain strangers to him, if it's not too late. There is no reason he needs to know your kids, their names, and what they look and act like. 

Don't have your kids socialize with someone you wouldn't want them turning to for help if they get lost at the county fair. 

[emilyj]

Am I a bad person that my first thought was "If he's there, call his parole officer."

I feel bad for her daughter, but I'd decline and set up a play date at a park later.

[omgzombies]

Jul 15, 2015 13:36:18 GMT -5 emilyj said:

Am I a bad person that my first thought was "If he's there, call his parole officer."

I feel bad for her daughter, but I'd decline and set up a play date at a park later.

No, that makes you a responsible adult.

[KateAggie]

Until Mom wises up and stops allowing Chester to come around, and I mean never, I would cut her and her girls out of your life. Sucks for those girls, but that's mom's fault, not yours.