Should SIL help take care of MIL?

[ESF]

I love how she just slips that bomb in there like it was some old fight about wedding invitations or a missed holiday dinner.

Lady needs to tell her H she can't do it all, and he and the brother need to find a solution, and leave SIL out of it.

[lg28]

I agree 100% with the response. Lena has zero obligation to help.

[jeaniebueller]

She has no obligation. I agree with the response.

[sfy]

I was prepared to say yes right up until I read the mil was "unfriendly" and the parenthetical (!) about why. If I was sil, mil could choke on it. Not smart to alienate the NP of the family.

[jillboston]

karma's a bitch MIL. Noone has an obligation. I know that that used to be true and maybe that was a good thing (??) I am conflicted about it. But no, SIL does not have to help.

[tef]

Brother should Bebe helping. It's his mother, too.

[jillboston]

Jul 18, 2015 7:59:51 GMT -5 tef said:

Brother should Bebe helping. It's his mother, too.

yep. It generally falls to the women though.. Heard an interview w/ an elder care doc years ago- interviewer asked what people should do to prepare for old age and infirmity, he said " Have 7 daughters".

[ECB]

Jul 17, 2015 15:09:42 GMT -5 ESF said:

 

Lady needs to tell her H she can't do it all, and he and the brother need to find a solution, and leave SIL out of it.

Yup . And it doesn't even matter that there was an issue between the MIL and SIL years ago. If SIL doesn't want to take on the care of her MIL - especially when the MILs own kids aren't/can't help more - then she doesn't have to. She doesn't "owe" it to anyone just because she's a NP, a wife, or a WOMAN.

If more help is needed, then they need to look into other solutions.   

[omgzombies]

SIL definitely is not required to help. That part is easy, and I agree with the other posters that have said that it is completely sexist to assume that she should do so.

But I do feel like children have an obligation to make sure their parents are given the help they need when they are older. The main exception being if you are estranged from your family. If your parents were horrible, and you are no longer in their lives, then obviously there's no obligation. But if you are part of the family, I feel like part of your job as a member of the family is to make sure that everyone has their basic needs met.

That doesn't mean they have to move in with you, or that once you've offered a solution and they've refused you have to go further, but it does mean making sure that there is a solution in place if the person needs it. This can mean contributing your time, your home, money to help provide extra help, or just emotional support. Hell even if you don't like the parent, if you are still friendly with the sibling that is doing the primary care, then I think you need to step up for the sake of the caretaker. That shit is hard work. Offer to help make sure they can take a vacation away for a week, be there to help with the decisions that inevitably come along. Whatever.

Either way, they need to take this up with the other brother, and leave SIL the hell out of it.

[ttt]

Also, just because she's a nurse practitioner doesn't mean she wants to do nurse work for someone she has a negative history with in her free time. She's not obligated to help just because she has certain skills.

[Deleted]

Oh God, I feel like this is a sob story SIL wrote about me. I'm the evil bitch who refuses to pander to MIL. I thought she found my secret hiding place for a bit. I can breathe now.

[bears]

I would be pretty pissed off if MH's family assumed that my part time schedule obviously meant I was available to help with the MIL who treated me poorly.

[Deleted]

My MIL has said that H and I will have to take her in when she's old because she messed things up with SIL (H's bro's wife) when she first started dating BIL. Um...no.

[boiler717]

When elderly people have spent a large portion of their life mistreating their kids, ILs, and grandkids, they are not "owed" care by their family. This drives me nuts as my dad's mom treated people horribly for years and they complain about people only visiting her once a week now. Come on.
There is no reason why the sons can't provide some of the care. MIL needs to get over her boys helping her.
I strongly suggest having paid care to help at least some of the time, it is so much easier on everyone. Maybe Bro and SIL can help financially.

[aprilsails]

I would ask Brother and SIL to step up with more money towards paid care so you can have more support or guaranteed breaks (if MIL doesn't have enough funds herself to cover it).