What was helpful?

[dizzycooks]

For my last to children's births no one has been particularly helpful. I don't really expect that to change this time. I am fairly certain I dealt with some ppd with dd2 and I will be addressing that if I feel like it returns. Dh has promised to help me with that because he felt pretty helpless last time but knew something was wrong.
I am thrilled I will have between 9 months and 2 years off (still undecided), but January is terrible timing re: work for dh. He's an accountant and this is a new job. He asked me tonight after I had a melt down (thanks hormone!) what he can do for me since we both know he can't take a week(s) off.
He immediately conceded that the big girls can stay in daycare 2 days a week for 2-3 weeks which I think will be huge. I'm not considering if I should send them on the same days or once together and once apart so I end up with one day "off" and two lighter days. I've got time to think about it, but welcome experiences you've had.
What I want to know most is what could your dh do, what help would you specifically ask for, if you knew he'd be gone at work 10-12 hours a day and you can't just throw money at the problem (hire a doula/housekeeper/nanny). I'm trying to brainstorm because I didn't realize how overwhelmed/unsupported I'm feeling about those first 6 weeks and want to do what I can to prepare both of us so it goes better.

[usm]

DH works similar hours and didn't take much time off with either birth, or Ds2 coming home from NICU. I tend to just throw money at the problem but that doesn't help as much as you'd think.

Big things for me, even now, calling or texting during the day so I don't feel isolated.

Picking up things from the store on his way home.

Not having to cook is a huge burden lifted. We have been living off of meals people have sent or things from our freezer for weeks. Not only does it free up cooking time, it frees up clean up.

What does your support system look like outside of DH? Friends or family willing to take the older ones or just come hang out? Outside interaction always helps me.

We always make sure the house is really picked up on Sunday evening so I'm starting the week fresh.

[usm]

What about a mother's helper, young girl you could pay a lower rate to come help a couple of hours during the week while your home? Even if she's playing with older kids or making sandwiches. Knowing I get a break seriously gets me through some days.

[nicolewi]

Hmmm. What was really awesome for me during two of my maternity leaves was that we had a nanny. I know you just said you don't want to throw money at it, but hiring a nanny may not cost more than daycare. BUT, what was totally key was finding the right people. I got along well with them. Having the companionship during the day, plus the help, was incredible and more valuable than I even realized at the time. Just having someone to talk about dumb TV with or whatever makes you feel much less alone in Baby Land. They didn't come every day while I was on leave, but we did have them come b/c we needed them to stay with us for after my leave was over. I was able to run a few errands without kids, and take the older kids on some outings, while the nanny was there. Gave me a lot of flexibility. I really missed it this time (Baby 4) as a SAHM. Outside of a nanny, do you have any other family/friends who could commit to coming one day a week or something? And/or have DH commit to a certain time that can be yours to get out/do something social? I find it very hard to do that with a newborn/breastfeeding, but at least it would be something.

I'd also set expectations with your DH re: meals/housework in advance. I.e. you will do very simple things and/or he will be doing it or whatever, so you aren't pushing yourself to do more than you're comfortable with. My DH was pretty helpful after Baby 4 was born in January, but still, I found a lunchbox note the other day dated one week after the baby was born, and I thought, "what the heck was I doing making lunches one week after my c-section?" I think at the time I wanted to maintain normalcy for my other kids, but that was nuts...that was one little thing DH could have taken care of that would have really helped. Can your DH do the mornings with the kids? That was the other thing mine did. He is self-employed so he has flexibility, but I could sleep in with the baby while he got DD off to school and got the other ones up. Even though your DH has a new job, maybe he can flex some time or something?

My DH also did all the grocery shopping for the first few weeks and took DD1 to ballet. That was huge, too. Packing all the kids up (four) and managing grocery shopping would have put me over the edge for SURE. Not sure how old your other kids are but I would try to get your DH or someone to handle anything for the first few weeks that would otherwise require you to pack up all the kids.

Personally, I find the newborn stage to always be hard. It also helps to remember how fast it goes. Before you know it, the baby is sitting up, smiling, laughing, and sleeping!

[lexus]

i would try to send the older girls more often or find a family member or friend to take one or both one day a week. I think that's a lot of time for them to be out of their routine while you are busy taking care of the new baby. Or maybe they can maintain their schedules for the first week or two and then scale back as you heal and get settled with the new baby.

[rosesandpetals]

Instead of taking all his time at once, dh worked half days for a little while. I don't know your dhs schedule but it was easier for me to know it was only a few hours until I had help. Maybe he could also take off like one day a week for the first 6 weeks. So keep the girls home Mondays, send 1 on t, the other on w, both thurs, he's home Friday and the weekend.

I know PPD effects people differently and I'm sure it is a lot harder with 2 other kids so I'm not much help there. PPD is awful so I hope you find something that works for you this time around.

[Kcthepouchh8r]

Get up early and prep breakfast/lunches for kids. Stock up on freezer meals and meals that take no prep work like spaghetti and sauce. Clean at night. Definitely hire a neighborhood kid to play with older kids.

[dizzycooks]

I really like the idea of finding a neighbor kid to help with the older two. We don't have a ton of kids in our neighborhood but I'll need ask around at church and see if someone wants to come by after school.
Dh is pretty great about jumping in when he gets home and knows what needs doing. I do think I'll make a short chore list for each day because he can just miss things that are bothering me.
My "big kids" will be not quite 4 and 2 so not in school. They are us to being home with me and know the "at home day" routine. I'm trying to instill some chores and routines that will be helpful to me in the older one.
I may need to look into a cleaning person every few weeks again, maybe ILs would buy that for Christmas....
We will have to see about dh staying home one day a week for a couple weeks. Was that really helpful? Would Wednesday's be a nice break?
Ugh. Why am I freaking out?? I feel like a ftm but with two kids at home already!

[justbecause]

I would get the big kids as "independent" as you can. They love to be "big helpers" with a baby.
Snacks that they can help themselves to (apples, pre portioned crackers, string cheese)
I went to Costco and stocked up on their freezer meals. Easy stuff like frozen burritos, ravioli, chicken tenders. Cheaper than constantly getting takeout and still easy and tasty.
I also had a selection of cheap toys, arts and crafts for the big kid while I nursed his brother.
Any friend or family help you can get, take it! Turn no offer down. And do not be afraid to ask for help. My brother came over and just started folding laundry one time when ds2 was little and I was like "god bless you!"

[lexus]

I get that the aren't in school but don't they go to daycare while you work? Being at home with you in the summer is different than watching you change diapers and nurse all day. It can work, don't get me wrong, but you seem really concerned about things being difficult. I can imagine that my 4 YO would be bored (and would act up because of it) if I pulled her from daycare and kept her literally home all day most of the week. One or two days a week, sure. All day every day, nope.

[dizzycooks]

Jul 20, 2015 8:07:32 GMT -5 lexus said:

I get that the aren't in school but don't they go to daycare while you work? Being at home with you in the summer is different than watching you change diapers and nurse all day. It can work, don't get me wrong, but you seem really concerned about things being difficult. I can imagine that my 4 YO would be bored (and would act up because of it) if I pulled her from daycare and kept her literally home all day most of the week. One or two days a week, sure. All day every day, nope.

They are in daycare, but daycare is 90% of my paycheck and since my leave is unpaid it's not possible. Also not knowing (at this point) if Im returning to work I don't see the point in them continuing. I'll sign her up for preschool a few days a week in the fall if I stay home. I'm assuming there are people here who had babies w/o ft daycare who may have some ideas I kept a pretty busy schedule with the older one as soon as dd2 came home from the hospital and I'm not sure that was helpful for me. It was good for her, but I am trying to come up with ideas to help me.

[lexus]

Jul 20, 2015 8:21:22 GMT -5 dizzycooks said:

Jul 20, 2015 8:07:32 GMT -5 lexus said:

I get that the aren't in school but don't they go to daycare while you work? Being at home with you in the summer is different than watching you change diapers and nurse all day. It can work, don't get me wrong, but you seem really concerned about things being difficult. I can imagine that my 4 YO would be bored (and would act up because of it) if I pulled her from daycare and kept her literally home all day most of the week. One or two days a week, sure. All day every day, nope.

They are in daycare, but daycare is 90% of my paycheck and since my leave is unpaid it's not possible. Also not knowing (at this point) if Im returning to work I don't see the point in them continuing. I'll sign her up for preschool a few days a week in the fall if I stay home. I'm assuming there are people here who had babies w/o ft daycare who may have some ideas I kept a pretty busy schedule with the older one as soon as dd2 came home from the hospital and I'm not sure that was helpful for me. It was good for her, but I am trying to come up with ideas to help me.

That makes sense. It is doable and I'm sure you will manage.

[dizzycooks]

Jul 20, 2015 8:23:56 GMT -5 lexus said:

Jul 20, 2015 8:21:22 GMT -5 dizzycooks said:

They are in daycare, but daycare is 90% of my paycheck and since my leave is unpaid it's not possible. Also not knowing (at this point) if Im returning to work I don't see the point in them continuing. I'll sign her up for preschool a few days a week in the fall if I stay home. I'm assuming there are people here who had babies w/o ft daycare who may have some ideas I kept a pretty busy schedule with the older one as soon as dd2 came home from the hospital and I'm not sure that was helpful for me. It was good for her, but I am trying to come up with ideas to help me.

That makes sense. It is doable and I'm sure you will manage.

I'm sure my hormones are just freaking me the f out right now and being exhausted while trying to keep them busy and out of trouble this summer has been hard. They're good kids really, they play and interact well. We do a variety of things, but my youngest still needs to grow up a bit which will happen in the next 5 months so much (ack!!) and I'm sure it'll be ok. Like I said... Hormones.

[lexus]

Jul 20, 2015 8:27:10 GMT -5 dizzycooks said:

Jul 20, 2015 8:23:56 GMT -5 lexus said:

That makes sense. It is doable and I'm sure you will manage.

I'm sure my hormones are just freaking me the f out right now and being exhausted while trying to keep them busy and out of trouble this summer has been hard. They're good kids really, they play and interact well. We do a variety of things, but my youngest still needs to grow up a bit which will happen in the next 5 months so much (ack!!) and I'm sure it'll be ok. Like I said... Hormones.

I'm sure it will be fine. It would be easier if you could send them but if you can't afford, you can't afford it. I'm sure you will all adjust and some days might involve more TV than normal in the beginning but everyone will be fine.

[vettymama]

I'm in the same boat dizzy. DS1 will be 3 in November, DS2 is almost 16 months and I'm due with #3 the end of February. No daycare and I stay home full time. No idea what I'm doing this time around. Going from 1-2 was pretty easy on me and DS1 is very independent and laid back. DS2 is independent but like you said, needs to grow up a bit! So no advice, but just know you aren't alone!

[dizzycooks]

Jul 20, 2015 11:51:24 GMT -5 vettymama said:

I'm in the same boat dizzy. DS1 will be 3 in November, DS2 is almost 16 months and I'm due with #3 the end of February. No daycare and I stay home full time. No idea what I'm doing this time around. Going from 1-2 was pretty easy on me and DS1 is very independent and laid back. DS2 is independent but like you said, needs to grow up a bit! So no advice, but just know you aren't alone!

Then stick around vetty we can keep each other sane

[andrewsgal]

Use these next several months to help them learn to be as independent as possible. They can get snacks (the older one can help), get dressed etc. Its funny because DD was 26 months when DD was born but she was so independent. DD was still such a baby at that age. I am sure a lot of it had to do with my expectations.

[dizzycooks]

Jul 20, 2015 13:34:11 GMT -5 andrewsgal said:

Use these next several months to help them learn to be as independent as possible. They can get snacks (the older one can help), get dressed etc. Its funny because DD was 26 months when DD was born but she was so independent. DD was still such a baby at that age. I am sure a lot of it had to do with my expectations.

Thanks.  All good ideas.  I need to work with dd2.  dd1 and I have been working hard on expectations and she's doing very well.  She dresses herself, can get breakfast if I have the right stuff around (and I will!!) and will work on her drawings/workbook forever given the chance.  She was potty trained with dd2 arrived and sleeping in a twin bed, she was 26 months as well.  Dd2 will be 22-23 months and I am having such a hard time picturing her potty trained/sleeping well because she just does not have the interested dd1 had.  BUT!  We have time, right?  Many months to practice and implement routines.  The big thing I hearing is get snacks at their level...pantry reorganization coming my way
@tooshort Too far from Roseville  and Golden Valley  There is one program near my house that offers MDO one morning a month and I will be taking the big girls!

[Rainyday]

Jul 20, 2015 7:11:09 GMT -5 Kcthepouchh8r said:

Get up early and prep breakfast/lunches for kids. Stock up on freezer meals and meals that take no prep work like spaghetti and sauce. Clean at night. Definitely hire a neighborhood kid to play with older kids.

I really hope those are suggestions for her DH.
Have you forgotten what it's like to have a newborn? Get up early and stay up late cleaning? That is terrible advice.
Skip the cleaning, your house doesn't have to be spotless. Give the older kids take to help with cleaning and lunch prep.
They can get out their own lunch boxes, set the table, put clothes on the hamper etc.

Life with 3 is hard, I'm not going to lie. We had to hire a mothers helped for three months. She was in HS and came from 4-7.
She played with the 2 older kids, got them to clean up their toys, wash hands, come to the table. Then we did bath, bed and stories and she left. She was never alone with the kids and we only paid her $10 hour.
It was a little strange having someone in my house though.

If friends offer to help definitely take them up on it. If you turn people down they won't offer again.
Are either of your kids old enough for a drop off play date? Even just for an hour so you can go to the store?

I did a lot of one dish meals like rice/pasta with veggies and chicken (rotisserie) in the wok.
I also try to prep dinner while the kids are eating breakfast, that way I don't have to clean the kitchen as many times.
I have divided Tupperware dishes with lids, I can put everything in those and then pull it back out at dinner.
Im sorry I don't have any experience with PPD/PPA so I'm no help there.

But I do have 3 kids 5 and under so I can relate.

[Kcthepouchh8r]

Jul 20, 2015 14:03:30 GMT -5 Rainyday said:

Jul 20, 2015 7:11:09 GMT -5 Kcthepouchh8r said:

Get up early and prep breakfast/lunches for kids. Stock up on freezer meals and meals that take no prep work like spaghetti and sauce. Clean at night. Definitely hire a neighborhood kid to play with older kids.

I really hope those are suggestions for her DH.
Have you forgotten what it's like to have a newborn? Get up early and stay up late cleaning? That is terrible advice.
Skip the cleaning, your house doesn't have to be spotless. Give the older kids take to help with cleaning and lunch prep.
They can get out their own lunch boxes, set the table, put clothes on the hamper etc.

Life with 3 is hard, I'm not going to lie. We had to hire a mothers helped for three months. She was in HS and came from 4-7.
She played with the 2 older kids, got them to clean up their toys, wash hands, come to the table. Then we did bath, bed and stories and she left. She was never alone with the kids and we only paid her $10 hour.
It was a little strange having someone in my house though.

If friends offer to help definitely take them up on it. If you turn people down they won't offer again.
Are either of your kids old enough for a drop off play date? Even just for an hour so you can go to the store?

I did a lot of one dish meals like rice/pasta with veggies and chicken (rotisserie) in the wok.
I also try to prep dinner while the kids are eating breakfast, that way I don't have to clean the kitchen as many times.
I have divided Tupperware dishes with lids, I can put everything in those and then pull it back out at dinner.
Im sorry I don't have any experience with PPD/PPA so I'm no help there.

But I do have 3 kids 5 and under so I can relate.

Those are what I had my dh do when #2 was born (minus the neighborhood kid as I had family/friends local).

[Rainyday]

Jul 20, 2015 17:19:17 GMT -5 Kcthepouchh8r said:

Jul 20, 2015 14:03:30 GMT -5 Rainyday said:

I really hope those are suggestions for her DH.
Have you forgotten what it's like to have a newborn? Get up early and stay up late cleaning? That is terrible advice.
Skip the cleaning, your house doesn't have to be spotless. Give the older kids take to help with cleaning and lunch prep.
They can get out their own lunch boxes, set the table, put clothes on the hamper etc.

Life with 3 is hard, I'm not going to lie. We had to hire a mothers helped for three months. She was in HS and came from 4-7.
She played with the 2 older kids, got them to clean up their toys, wash hands, come to the table. Then we did bath, bed and stories and she left. She was never alone with the kids and we only paid her $10 hour.
It was a little strange having someone in my house though.

If friends offer to help definitely take them up on it. If you turn people down they won't offer again.
Are either of your kids old enough for a drop off play date? Even just for an hour so you can go to the store?

I did a lot of one dish meals like rice/pasta with veggies and chicken (rotisserie) in the wok.
I also try to prep dinner while the kids are eating breakfast, that way I don't have to clean the kitchen as many times.
I have divided Tupperware dishes with lids, I can put everything in those and then pull it back out at dinner.
Im sorry I don't have any experience with PPD/PPA so I'm no help there.

But I do have 3 kids 5 and under so I can relate.

Those are what I had my dh do when #2 was born (minus the neighborhood kid as I had family/friends local).

Thank goodness! I was worried you were telling Dizzy to get up early and stay up late cleaning, I almost had a heart attack.

[auroraloo]

Look for a co-op daycare in your area? I'll be working but I'm sure my daycare lady would take them...