Foster care?

[Deleted]

DH and I are planning to start the process in a couple months (when we move into the new house) to be foster parents...so hopefully by like spring?
We aren't looking to foster to adopt, but wouldn't be opposed if it came up I don't think. But just wondering if anyone had any experience in their own home or growing up? Any things for us to consider or plan for? How was your experience as a foster parent, child or sibling? Thanks.

[Deleted]

You can Pm me if you'd rather, thanks.

[NandaB]

I have no personal experience, but I can tell you as a teacher who taught many kids in foster care situations you can tell when the kids feel welcomed into the family, and when they feel like a burden. Not that you would alienate a child purposefully, but it can get tricky when you have your own children as far as time/things. (is your kids have siccer/swim/dance..... And foster kids don't) I have heard from multiple people that its important to keep the birth order, so not to have foster kids older than your own, but I don't know first hand the best way to deal with that. One thing a friend of mine mentioned growing up was that she and her siblings had a special name for their foster mom. They called her Honey. She said it was because Honey was someone special to them, but not their mom because they had a mom. She appreciated the distinction.

[lb2006]

We just completed our local MAPP/TIP classes through our county's DSS for foster/foster-to-adopt. My sil/bil recently had their first foster baby in their home as well. Feel free to PM me if you have any specific questions.

[Deleted]

No experience other than a family friend fostering kids over the years (no adoption though) but wanted to share that she really really enjoyed it and provided such a great stable place for the kids she fostered. She didn't have any children of her own but truly did her best to create a structured and peaceful home while making things normal for the kids. Best wishes on your new chapter!

[lexus]

We had a crazy experience with a friend from high school who needed a new foster situation. It was good at first but ended up messy. It was really challenging for my brother and I and it was my friend that was being fostered. I think the birth order stuff was a big deal.

[goillini823]

We are waiting til DS2 is 3-4 years old. I don't feel comfortable messing with the birth order so we will only be taking in kids younger than my youngest.
I'm a former foster care case manager. I can only suggest being very patient and making the child feel as much a part of your family as possible (which I'm sure you will). Good luck.

[andrewsgal]

My warning and I would be happy to go in it further in a PM is to keep your foster kids ages to significantly lower than your kids. I would love to foster but my kids are entirely too young for my comfort level.

[Rainyday]

Did you XP this on the Adoption board? Those ladies are wealth of knowledge and very gracious. I think many of them made the jump too.

[livinitup]

I was a foster care supervisor for children with the goal of adoption for several years in NYS. We were a non-profit contracted by ACS in NYC. We had many kinds of foster families and many types of children. Most placements were very successful. Adoption goals are tricky because all children come into care with a goal of 'return to parent' - by definition, it is the role of foster care to eliminate the barriers that caused the placement. When that is not possible, the goal changes to adoption. It's a long and complicated process. But in general the majority of foster children need a safe, supportive home for short time until they can return to parents of kinship homes. The worst cases of "shuffling" foster children around happened when foster parents requested they leave. It's very traumatic for the child(ten). It happens too often. Sometimes for good reasons, but often for bad ones. Sometimes reasons caused by the court or the system. I also saw really good foster parents over burdened because they were so "good". It's a catch-22, caseworkers are desperate to place a hard-to-place kid, ask a great foster home for a temporary placement, and it stresses everyone.

Anyway, I LOVED my foster parents, the good ones and the struggling ones. I hope you have a wonderful experience. Keep good records, your own, and don't be afraid to call your caseworkers often.

[Deleted]

This has all been really good, thank you guys for sharing. I will also post on adoption.

[rosesandpetals]

Dh and I started the classes before his car accident last year. I'm sure you'll take all the same classes (esp if you are moving back to ohio) so my only advice is to brace yourself for the child abuse class. It was fucking horrifying and I just wanted to go home and cry after. We never got to finish so no personal experience. GL!

[rosesandpetals]

Jul 20, 2015 19:18:34 GMT -5 andrewsgal said:

My warning and I would be happy to go in it further in a PM is to keep your foster kids ages to significantly lower than your kids. I would love to foster but my kids are entirely too young for my comfort level.

Why do they need to be "significantly" lower? Just to make sure birth order isn't messed with? Can you pm me if you don't want to post here?

[auroraloo]

Jul 20, 2015 22:06:55 GMT -5 rosesandpetals said:

Jul 20, 2015 19:18:34 GMT -5 andrewsgal said:

My warning and I would be happy to go in it further in a PM is to keep your foster kids ages to significantly lower than your kids. I would love to foster but my kids are entirely too young for my comfort level.

Why do they need to be "significantly" lower? Just to make sure birth order isn't messed with? Can you pm me if you don't want to post here?

I used to work in the foster care system as well, and it's tricky. Keeping their ages significantly lower keeps two sets of birth orders intact. Your kid doesn't go from oldest/only to youngest for instance. keeping them younger than yours significantly helps too, because if you have, say an 8 and 6 year old, and you foster, say a sib set at 3, and 5, then that 5 year old, who has been the oldest, and likely caring for his/her sibling in significant ways, is suddenly no longer the oldest. But if you have a 13, and 15 year old, and foster that same 3 and 5, the age difference is less of a shock to the 5yo, and your own 13yo. 

[andrewsgal]

Jul 20, 2015 22:06:55 GMT -5 rosesandpetals said:

Jul 20, 2015 19:18:34 GMT -5 andrewsgal said:

My warning and I would be happy to go in it further in a PM is to keep your foster kids ages to significantly lower than your kids. I would love to foster but my kids are entirely too young for my comfort level.

Why do they need to be "significantly" lower? Just to make sure birth order isn't messed with? Can you pm me if you don't want to post here?

Yes I will I am on mobile but at the water park all day so will do so after.

[NandaB]

Jul 20, 2015 22:18:23 GMT -5 auroraloo said:

Jul 20, 2015 22:06:55 GMT -5 rosesandpetals said:

Why do they need to be "significantly" lower? Just to make sure birth order isn't messed with? Can you pm me if you don't want to post here?

I used to work in the foster care system as well, and it's tricky. Keeping their ages significantly lower keeps two sets of birth orders intact. Your kid doesn't go from oldest/only to youngest for instance. keeping them younger than yours significantly helps too, because if you have, say an 8 and 6 year old, and you foster, say a sib set at 3, and 5, then that 5 year old, who has been the oldest, and likely caring for his/her sibling in significant ways, is suddenly no longer the oldest. But if you have a 13, and 15 year old, and foster that same 3 and 5, the age difference is less of a shock to the 5yo, and your own 13yo. 

I'm quoting this because rora makes such a good point; and one that many people wouldn't think about because the idea of a small child being responsible for their sibling is not something many people have to deal with /are exposed to.