My mother.

[iamgrace]

She is here "helping" because h is away.

Well so far we had a clusterfuck morning that included me just basically driving where she directed when we had plans for a fall fair, a farmers market and lunch out. Basically keeping henry busy. We only made it to the market. We got home at 1130 and had lunch, and she's been sleeping ever since.

Things she's managed to avoid thus far- slept yesterday afternoon while I wrangled henry. went outside to read when I started making dinner. Emerged from her room this morning only after I finished emptying the dishwasher, went back to bed when I started vacuuming.

After lunch she fell asleep on the couch and then when Henry started beng fussy she went to sleep in her room.

So, tell me. If this was YOUR mother, would you say anything to her? If so, what?

[montereybride]

How many more days of her 'help' do you have to endure?

I would probably seethe silently and make passive aggressive comments about how much I appreciate her 'help.'

[vanillacourage]

I would point blank ask her "here can you take the baby while I make dinner/run errands/whatever"

[montereybride]

Aug 18, 2012 14:08:39 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

I would point blank ask her "here can you take the baby while I make dinner/run errands/whatever"

Oooh! Yes!!

I like this.

[statlerwaldorf]

Aug 18, 2012 14:08:39 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

I would point blank ask her "here can you take the baby while I make dinner/run errands/whatever"

This is what I would do. If she's anything like my mom, calling her out would not help the situation.

Is she feeling okay?

[iamgrace]

Just one more day. I know I should just say "Hey do this", but on the past when I have, she's refused, or only done it under duress. I'm really only irked because she specifically said she was coming to help. I'm sure she's depressed, but she won't talk about it, or thinks it's under control. She also has HUGE issues with food, but that's a whole other post. LOl.

[iamgrace]

Oh, and this sleeping business has been totally "normal" for her for many years.

[montereybride]

At this point, I would adjust my expectations and go on about my business.

But I'd still seethe silently. I'd just lose the pa comments.

[iamgrace]

Smace and Gracie- yes. Same mom.

[HiC]

why the hell is she sleeping so much?

[iamgrace]

Haha nic, I did that yesterday. Pots and metal measuring cups.

[imoan]

If she's always like this, how much help did you actually think she was going to be this time? I agree with the other who said that it's now on you to adjust your expectations of her. Just take care of the kid on your own... Because its obvious that's what you're doing already. And at least you won't have to deal with the annoyance and disappointment.

[iamgrace]

Yeah, I know I shouldn't expect anything from her. I just thought this time might be different because it was her idea.

[lyndel]

If this were my mother, no, I wouldn't say anything this time. But the next time she starts talking about staying over and helping you, I would be so direct with her. "I'm sorry Mom but you don't help me with Henry when you are here." And I would find a way to explain to her that visiting her grandson is completely different than actually helping. What she is doing right now is basically visiting and she's not helping you one damn thing related to her grandson.
And if her food issues are causing more work for you, throw that in for good measure.

And I'm not suggesting this as a way to fight with her or make her feel bad, but it's a way to be very clear with her about a mutual understanding of where things stand. Just like Gracie suggested, the expectations of roles. My mother has a whole host of emotional and physical problems and though I wish she and I had a different kind of relationship, it does help very much that we are honest with one another. But it took some real effort to me to find ways to express myself and establish boundaries. Your mother needs to understand this isn't "helping" and if anything, probably added an additional burden.

[janiejones]

Aug 18, 2012 14:32:46 GMT -5 @gracie6414 said:

Grace... I think you should just focus on a low expectation/no expectation relationship with her. And not a 'my mom is an attentive and helpful grandmother' because she isn't.
It's hard to let go of the hope and expectation that you can rely in her why you need help, but you can't. And it sucks
But H also shouldn't grow up expecting one of those grandmas when he doesn't have one.

FWIW, you're doing and exceptional job of parenting all on your own (with your DH) and she isn't making that possible, you are.

I think I went to deep here.
I'm also unfortunately selfish.

I think gracie is right on here. Your mom is there because she wants your company and does not want to be alone. She doesn't seem to want to play the grandma part, or the helpful part.


FWIW my grandma was not ready to be a grandma when my mom had kids. She was the exact opposite of my other grandma, and we just grew up with different expectations of her. She was probably still dealing with some heavy personal shit, she had a shitty life for a long time.

[iamgrace]

To her credit , she did offer to bring home a pizza on her way hme from her visit to town this afternoon. After I had prepped dinner, but whatever! Lol.