I don't know what the hell happened to me today

[pixelpassion]

It's been a while since I've posted here, but I think the Recovery board would be the most appropriate place to word vomit about this. 

I was chitchatting with one of the admin assistants at work today, and she had mentioned that her son ran into her ex-husband (his dad) on the street. He was clearly drunk and admin assistant's son also said his dad physiologically looked like he was taking hard drugs. For some reason, this conversation was very triggering for me. It reminded me of how I have been anxious when I am in my hometown or near where my father lives because I am so scared of running into him and also how sad it has been to see him physically deteriorate. 

We haven't had contact for 6 months due to an incident of inappropriate behavior on his part when he was drunk, and it may possibly be permanent since his alcoholism and his subsequent abusive behavior has gotten increasingly worse since I was 8. I know that if I ran into him, it would either be incredibly awkward, or my father would just lose it and start screaming at me that I am a "cold-hearted bitch" for cutting him out of my life (when really, I am just protecting myself and refusing to be his emotional punching bag). For some reason, this conversation opened the bad memory floodgates for me and I was suddenly remembering a lot of painful childhood memories all at once. 

This sucks. It's hard not to feel like he still has some degree of control over my life when I have days like this. I've been to Al-Anon and therapy in the past. I found therapy to be more helpful, but I am not sure if what happened today means I should go back. 

Anyway, I just needed to dump this somewhere. 

[Deleted]

I'm sorry that conversation too you to places you'd rather not re-live. As long as you don't thing you are going to harm yourself or do something drastic, could you give it a couple of days to see if the feelings dissipate? Hopefully, these feelings would subside. Did your therapist give you any tools to cope with the anxiety? Please don't take my advice if it doesn't feel right. The other side of the coin would be to make a quick call to the therapist's office and go in for a tune-up. I'm really sorry that happened to you today, pixelpassion. Hugs to you!!!

[phoenixrising]

My personal feeling is that if you are not sure of the answer to the question, "Is this a reason to go to therapy?" then the answer is probably, "Yes." I actually don't think that you have to have a "reason" to go to therapy (and my therapist has told me many times that she agrees...usually when I try to apologize to her for needing to take up her time with what feels like something that isn't "bad enough" for me to need therapy)...and if you think it would help you, I would encourage you to do it.

I am sorry that something happened that was so triggering for you...I know how awful that feels, especially if it is not one of your "usual" triggers. Sending big hugs your way.

Also (unrelated), I am seeing that I have lots of "air quotes" (Haha.) and ellipses here... (More haha.) hope that is less annoying than it appears to be!

[pixelpassion]

Thanks guys.

Today was definitely a better day (although work was a nightmare, lol) and H helped me get through it yesterday. I ended up going home, having a big cry for a few minutes and felt better. At times I've thought of going back to my therapist for what we call a "booster shot" in our field. The only problem is that I've moved since I last saw her and she's kinda of a far drive. So I'm not sure if I would want to make the drive to see someone familiar, or find a new therapist in the area.

[flex]

Jul 23, 2015 19:34:18 GMT -5 pixelpassion said:

Thanks guys.

Today was definitely a better day (although work was a nightmare, lol) and H helped me get through it yesterday. I ended up going home, having a big cry for a few minutes and felt better. At times I've thought of going back to my therapist for what we call a "booster shot" in our field. The only problem is that I've moved since I last saw her and she's kinda of a far drive. So I'm not sure if I would want to make the drive to see someone familiar, or find a new therapist in the area.

It's up to who you should see, BUT...please "DO" something.  Don't just think about it.  Please take the action to reach out for help.

[SwimDeep]

pixelpassion - your therapist might be able to give you a recommendation for someone closer to your area. I'm sure she would understand and would want you to be able to have help close by.

I haven't posted here in a while either, but I wanted to say I know exactly what you mean about the anxiety of running into a certain family member. I can't even think about driving through the county that my family lives in without getting anxious and reliving so many bad memories.

(((hugs)))

[pixelpassion]

Thanks for all of the support guys!

flex, I decided to make a follow up appointment with my old therapist. She was able to fit me in in two weeks and she said we'll talk about if we feel like we need to do ongoing sessions again or met for a few.

[Deleted]

pixelpassion, I was thinking of you today and wondering how things are going. Please check in if you'd like.

[pixelpassion]

Jul 28, 2015 15:15:29 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

pixelpassion, I was thinking of you today and wondering how things are going. Please check in if you'd like.

Hey! I've been doing MUCH much better lately. Still going to see my old therapist though, mostly because I want to talk through why those thoughts/memories were so intense that day. But yeah, I'm doing pretty well