How to let go of anger toward XH?

[blackkitty]

I know a lot of women on here can relate to holding on to a lot of anger toward our XH's. I want to let it go. I am good at surpressing it and not letting it bother me on a regular basis. But it bubbles up sometimes. And I have to continue to deal with him because of my son.

Friday something a new situation arose involving him (financial related) and all the anger from the past financial related came back. I'm still angry at him for some of the decisions I feel he coerced me into that ended in financial disaster. I'm angry at him for other things too, but this is just an example of how it can come rushing back.

Has anyone really let go and forgiven? Any advice or books on the topic?
I want to forgive him even though he hasn't asked for it and continues to do things that anger me.

[turtle1120]

I honestly think it just takes time to get over. I don't know that forgiveness is necessary to get over anger though. I will never forgive Ex for the douchetastic things he did, but I've come to terms with it and accepted it. I think that's the most healing thing to do. Accept it and move on. I was SO angry for a long time, but the anger has faded and I don't dwell on it anymore.

Forgiving yourself for past mistakes is probably even more difficult. You can't change your past decisions, but you can learn from your mistakes and vow to never make the same mistakes again.

[heavenly]

I used to be so angry at myself for not telling my ex in person straightforwardly that what he did was wrong. I am sure he knew but I needed to say it to him as a way to get my stance and my empowerment back. Since he was states away and years has passed, I just said outloud what needed to be said to an object that I pretended that was my ex in front of my therapist. It was a therapist that I trusted and have been going to for months. It was harder to do that I thought it would be. After doing this, with a little time I was able to feel okay with what I was feeling and let it go.

I know it sounds corny but it worked to some degree with cleaning up some stuff I had swept under the rug so to speak.

[cemacmil]

I understand where you are coming from - though I truly want to, if I had to say the words "I forgive you" to my XH's face - I would not YET (feeling very close though, and it may be because of muddled past/present things) be 100% pure of heart in saying it and I want to be that. That being said, I came across this last night and it helped with that feeling:

"Forgiveness is a condition in which the sin of the past is not altered, nor its inevitable consequences changed. Rather in forgiveness a fresh act is added to those of the past, which restores the broken relationship and opens the way for the one who forgives and the one who is forgiven to meet and communicate deeply with each other in the present and future. Thus, forgiveness heals the past, though the scars remain and the consequences go on...It is taken into the fresh act of outgoing renewal and there it is healed."

This was/is good to read as well as hard because I know for the for-see able future, XH still/will have anger that will get in the way of communication for DD. However, once his passes, maybe just maybe. But it is not something I hope for any longer, once I am done grieving that fact (that even for her, he will be selfish because of resentment towards me, or having a day in court again, or whatever) and I stop grieving DD's future grief......I can live in peace and if she ever needs me to help her - I can in the healthiest way possible.

({) The little/big things creeping back suck, but they do exist just like scars, and we should acknowledge them - but only let them be in the past and not make the future.

[doriswe]

I never actually told XH that I forgave him....but I have. But honestly, that forgiveness wasn't about him, it was about releasing the anger I had in me. There are still things that creep up here and there but I have to just acknowledge them and then let them go. Holding onto anything (love or hate) for XH was my energy that I was wasting on someone who wasn't worth my time....energy that I could use towards the positive things in my life.

I will also add, that I realize I come across as very Susie Sunshine right now, but I've not had some of the really horrible experiences with my XH that some of you ladies have. I'm really amazed at how some of you strong ladies are able to move forward with such grace!!

[mandimija]

It took a long time before I even came close to forgiving my XH. When I first left him, I was furious. I didn't want to leave my home, I hated having to be on alert all.the.fricking.time because he was a manipulative manbeast, and I hated how I couldn't cut the damn cord already and file for divorce because I was afraid of his reaction (I filed as soon as I could move and be a safe distance from him).

I hated him again when I filed for divorce, and from time to time, I'd get mad when I stumbled across a weird reaction that I realized stemmed from *his* bullshit. Hell, there are times when this anger still bubbles up again...like it did when I saw the look of pain on Mijo's face when I finally told him that XH had hit me.

I don't think that forgiveness necessarily means that you never get mad at what happened to you. Ironically, I was watching 'Diary of a Mad Black Woman' when something said struck me. Madea is telling her granddaughter how to know whether she's over something, and says something to the effect of "You know you're over it when you have the chance to get even and don't do anything about it. If you beat the hell out of them then you ain't over it." I've had the chance to 'get back' at XH. And I didn't, because I just don't care enough to hate him anymore.

What he did to me was terrible. And I'm sure that I'll be angry from time to time. It's normal, and it's the most logical reaction to a psychotic situation that my mind can muster. But the further I get away from it, the more I can forgive him, and forgive myself for putting up with the situation for so long.

The best I can tell you is to ride out the emotions. They're normal. Grieving a bad situation isn't necessarily linear: it comes in layers. Sometimes you'll be fine for a while, then peel back a layer and run smack into another bout of grief. It doesn't mean you're not over it, but it does mean that you're healing. These times will come less and less, though they may well continue on for years. Just experience them (trust me, fighting them just makes them come back later with a vengeance), but don't hold on to them.

This does get easier, I promise. It may take a while, and for me, it's taken a lot of prayer, but healing does come.

[blackkitty]

Thanks a lot of good suggestions and insights here. I've been through similar things before and I know the power of forgiveness even when the person does not ask for it. I have to forgive him in order to find peace.

[letyourselfgo]

Great timing on this thread!
My Ex-H and I got into it yesterday on facebook.....and you know....I was glad that I was able to tell him exactly what I didn't like about him, and he did the same about me.

I see the argument as healthy, even if it was a crazy flame war while it was going on.

[starburst604]

Aug 21, 2012 8:38:52 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Aug 21, 2012 2:40:17 GMT -5 letyourselfgo said:

Great timing on this thread!
My Ex-H and I got into it yesterday on facebook.....and you know....I was glad that I was able to tell him exactly what I didn't like about him, and he did the same about me.

I see the argument as healthy, even if it was a crazy flame war while it was going on.

How is this healthy? Especially if it was on Facebook?! I really hope you meant through the chat feature and not by posting on each other's walls

Yeah I was thinking this too. If I saw a public argument between a former couple on FB I would think they were both BSC.

[stephbfan]

Aug 21, 2012 2:40:17 GMT -5 letyourselfgo said:

Great timing on this thread!
My Ex-H and I got into it yesterday on facebook.....and you know....I was glad that I was able to tell him exactly what I didn't like about him, and he did the same about me.

I see the argument as healthy, even if it was a crazy flame war while it was going on.

I really don't think its a good idea to have your ex on FB.

[stephbfan]

I think it takes a while. I couldn't let go until after our custody case was over. It took me years to be where we are now but I did it for DD and me and no one else.

Sometimes the anger comes back but I tell myself that I need to start thinking about something else because I refuse to dwell on things that are in the past. Its a conscious effort and I'm usually fine after 5 min.

[iheartrice]

I was very angry. My new therapist recommended this book - it was very interesting and helpful. Dance of Anger

[achase123]

I still struggle with this sometimes, mostly because I feel like he "took away" my dreams of marriage and a family. Not to mention the fact that he took advantage of my innocence and preyed on the fact that I was a good person.

I decided to forgive him a long time ago. It doesn't mean I will ever forget...it just means that I needed to let go of all the resentment to be the best mom I could be, and for my own sanity.

[letyourselfgo]

Aug 21, 2012 8:38:52 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Aug 21, 2012 2:40:17 GMT -5 letyourselfgo said:

Great timing on this thread!
My Ex-H and I got into it yesterday on facebook.....and you know....I was glad that I was able to tell him exactly what I didn't like about him, and he did the same about me.

I see the argument as healthy, even if it was a crazy flame war while it was going on.

How is this healthy? Especially if it was on Facebook?! I really hope you meant through the chat feature and not by posting on each other's walls

He's the Father of our child and in our situation, having on FB is one of the only ways that I can get pics of her. And yes....it was on our walls. He started something trying to shame me about a happy FB status regarding our daughter, and it snowballed into something terrible.

Very. Bad. Idea.

[roselis]

I also still sometimes have anger towards XH, mostly when it is something he started in the house and never finished, so I have to. I get angry that he did what he did and left me in this position of a single mother.
For the most partI have moved on from it, but I think thins will be boiling to the surface for awhile.

[jojoandleo]

Sept 19, 2012 20:50:23 GMT -5 letyourselfgo said:

Aug 21, 2012 8:38:52 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

How is this healthy? Especially if it was on Facebook?! I really hope you meant through the chat feature and not by posting on each other's walls

He's the Father of our child and in our situation, having on FB is one of the only ways that I can get pics of her. And yes....it was on our walls. He started something trying to shame me about a happy FB status regarding our daughter, and it snowballed into something terrible.

Very. Bad. Idea.

:-| Send pictures another way. You guys are obviously not mature enough to be FB friends. This was NOT healthy.


I don't know if I ever forgave XFI, I just quit caring. (Although, I have 0 contact with him,so I can see having to talk with your ex on a regular basis, forgiveness may be important.) He's not my problem, and how he treated me was not my fault. I hope he learns from his mistakes and becomes a better person, but I doubt he will. Therapy and time, there is no fast cure.