Help me adjust my expectations

[marie3246]

My family has a beach condo that we grew up vacationing there every year. A few years ago one of DH's friends moved here, so every time we come we have to see this friend and DH usually goes fishing with him. I have been fishing once and love fishing but now that we have a child, someone has to stay home and I'm not going fishing with DH's friend. I do like his friend, but he's at a very different part of life (younger, no kids, loves to party) and I feel like it makes this much less of a vacation for us. It turns into more visiting of friends since one day is always them fishing.

We are now here again and this time Dh invited his business partner. (Dh works his full time job and 25 hrs min at his business) and his wife and child. I like them but we aren't super close like Dh and his BP are. So we are here on what will be our only "vacation" of the year and Dh is taking a week off his full time job. And now his friend wants them both to go fishing again. I'm annoyed. As a family we have very little time with Dh, I know this isn't a true vacation, but I guess I was hoping for a relaxing nice family/friend trip and so far it's been mostly work for me (longer story) and DH is just loving it.

I just want to go home.

In his defense, I knew going in this was how the trip was going to be, but I was hoping for more fun, less work. And this year has been so hard that I just needed a break which I'm not getting at all. We are both over scheduled and keep taking on more and more and I feel like we are just going to break soon. I don't know how to fix it.

[hermione]

I'm not sure I get all the details but why can't you just say, "Hey Hon, do you mind skipping the fishing day? I'd really love some family time with just us and A."

[drloretta]

Is this just for a day? I feel like I'm missing something

[marie3246]

Jul 28, 2015 21:31:54 GMT -5 hermione said:

I'm not sure I get all the details but why can't you just say, "Hey Hon, do you mind skipping the fishing day? I'd really love some family time with just us and A."

I could, and maybe this is my issue, but Dh has already told his BP who really wants to go and DH's friend is really excited as well. BP wife is also pushing them to go. So if I say no, the trip won't happen BP and DH friend do not know each other and I will have to be the bad guy saying no. And I would rather him just go then be the bad guy. I guess I just wish he wanted to spend the time with us instead. Or I suggested a date night for us, but he hasn't asked his BP about staying with DD.

[imojoebunny]

A vacation with a 16 month old is never a vacation. This explains it better than I can.

www.huffingtonpost.com/m-blazoned/vacation-or-trip-a-helpful-guide-for-parents_b_7789310.html

I am on a trip with my kids now. It's 8:30 and we are in the bed because the kids are sleeping in the family room area (our original place to stay had a forest fire, so we had to find another place in a hurry.). DH took them to the pool, so I could go for a walk this afternoon.

This is a trip, but it is better than the hell trips we had when the kids were tiny. It's just not relaxing. One of my friends took her nanny to Mexico thinking that would make it a vacation. Nope, still a trip.

[marie3246]

Jul 28, 2015 21:39:45 GMT -5 drloretta said:

Is this just for a day? I feel like I'm missing something

It is, but we are only here for a few days. And so far on this trip we have stayed at 3 different places, the final one being my families condo. I was hoping to relax and enjoy it here but so far I've been making food for his friends and entertaining them when Dh and his BP work. And now he wants to go fishing for an entire day (which is something I wanted to do with him for awhile but it was never a priority for him to make it happen) and I'll be on baby duty full time as well as entertaining his friends wife and child.

I guess I had a different idea of how this trip would go and its disappointing.

[marie3246]

Jul 28, 2015 21:43:20 GMT -5 imojoebunny said:

A vacation with a 16 month old is never a vacation. This explains it better than I can.

www.huffingtonpost.com/m-blazoned/vacation-or-trip-a-helpful-guide-for-parents_b_7789310.html

I am on a trip with my kids now. It's 8:30 and we are in the bed because the kids are sleeping in the family room area (our original place to stay had a forest fire, so we had to find another place in a hurry.). DH took them to the pool, so I could go for a walk this afternoon.

This is a trip, but it is better than the hell trips we had when the kids were tiny. It's just not relaxing. One of my friends took her nanny to Mexico thinking that would make it a vacation. Nope, still a trip.

Yes I totally agree with this and it drives me nuts that Dh keeps trying to call it a vacation. Either way no matter what its called, its the closest thing to a vacation we have taken in 2 years and while I didn't expect it to be the same pre kids, I was hoping he would be around more. I am with DD all the time and take her to the pool/beach. Its fun, but I was hoping Dh would be able to spend more time with us doing that. He has a little today but aside from an hour and dinner its all we have seen him.

But a full day of fishing with his friends is no problem.

[drloretta]

Jul 28, 2015 21:44:24 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

Jul 28, 2015 21:39:45 GMT -5 drloretta said:

Is this just for a day? I feel like I'm missing something

I guess I had a different idea of how this trip would go and its disappointing.

Then tell him. If this is a regular occurrence when you go there, he probably doesn't realize he needs to focus on you guys this time

[origami]

Jul 28, 2015 21:39:45 GMT -5 drloretta said:

Is this just for a day? I feel like I'm missing something

yah. He's just going fishing 1, or now 2 days out of a week? I wouldn't have a problem with that. I think you need to find an activity for yourself (maybe you and the BP's wife?) so you can get a break when he's there to watch the kids.

[southernbelle]

Jul 28, 2015 21:44:24 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

Jul 28, 2015 21:39:45 GMT -5 drloretta said:

Is this just for a day? I feel like I'm missing something

It is, but we are only here for a few days. And so far on this trip we have stayed at 3 different places, the final one being my families condo. I was hoping to relax and enjoy it here but so far I've been making food for his friends and entertaining them when Dh and his BP work. And now he wants to go fishing for an entire day (which is something I wanted to do with him for awhile but it was never a priority for him to make it happen) and I'll be on baby duty full time as well as entertaining his friends wife and child.

I guess I had a different idea of how this trip would go and its disappointing.

I would stop with the entertaining and making food. That is the last thing I want to do on vacation. If your DH wanted this trip to network or whatnot then he should be helping more. I would let the wife know what you and your kid are going to do, let her know what's in the area food /entertainment wise or just hand her the phone book, and then do your thing. I'd also make DH take over kid duty at some time and go do something relaxing on your own if he doesn't want to ask them to babysit.

Edit: I would be blunt with DH also with how you are feeling in terms of how little you and your kid have gotten to spend with him.

[cricketwife]

I actually don't think it's your expectations that need to be adjusted. I think it's your communication. I feel like this all should have been hashed out and negotiated
Before the trip was scheduled, and definitely before you left. Now that you are there it's harder without coming off as a bitch. But yes, take some time for yourself and stop doing do much entertaining. I would also talk to your H and see how he can make some more time for you guys on this trip.

[marie3246]

Jul 28, 2015 21:59:17 GMT -5 newnamesameperson said:

So I went on vacation once with DHs family (btw we see them all.the.time).    It was awful.  All DH did was fish and hang out with them.  I'm not sure wth I was expecting but I had assumed (incorrectly) it'd be some fun time for us.   It wasn't completely awful but something I have no desire to do again.   

Everyone else who who went had a blast because they have unlimited vacations.  We are talking couples who travel monthly.   For me our vacation isn't unlimited so I have higher expectations.   My point is you get one vacation it's more than okay for you to ask that it's spent the way you'd like too!

Yes I will never do this again. The BP and his wife take monthly vacations. For us, this is it. I didn't except it to be the most relaxing, fun vacation, but I did think a week with Dh working from home part time and us being steps from the beach would be nicer than him working 65 + hours and being at home. So far not so much.

Its more like DD and I joined H on his friends trip. Sure I can go and do something on my own, but I have been here a million times and what I really want is family time with my H. This isn't the place for it I guess.

Im not going to make a big deal of it and H can go fishing with his friends but I won't come on this type of trip anytime soon.

[hermione]

Jul 28, 2015 22:12:43 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

Jul 28, 2015 21:59:17 GMT -5 newnamesameperson said:

So I went on vacation once with DHs family (btw we see them all.the.time).    It was awful.  All DH did was fish and hang out with them.  I'm not sure wth I was expecting but I had assumed (incorrectly) it'd be some fun time for us.   It wasn't completely awful but something I have no desire to do again.   

Everyone else who who went had a blast because they have unlimited vacations.  We are talking couples who travel monthly.   For me our vacation isn't unlimited so I have higher expectations.   My point is you get one vacation it's more than okay for you to ask that it's spent the way you'd like too!

Yes I will never do this again. The BP and his wife take monthly vacations. For us, this is it. I didn't except it to be the most relaxing, fun vacation, but I did think a week with Dh working from home part time and us being steps from the beach would be nicer than him working 65 + hours and being at home. So far not so much.

Its more like DD and I joined H on his friends trip. Sure I can go and do something on my own, but I have been here a million times and what I really want is family time with my H. This isn't the place for it I guess.

Im not going to make a big deal of it and H can go fishing with his friends but I won't come on this type of trip anytime soon.

It sounds like you want your husband to read your mind. He's not going to so either say something or be prepared for this to become your vacation norm.

[marie3246]

Jul 28, 2015 22:07:46 GMT -5 @this said:

I don't understand it all.

Your H and his partner are going fishing for a day with your H's friend? Can't you and the wife just stay back with the kids that day and make some daytime cocktails?

Then the next day go do whatever you want while your H stays back with the kid. Or you all hang back for the day, but put the husbands in charge so you guys can read your books or whatever since you were on duty the day before.

Yes sure I can stay back and hang out with the wife. I've been doing that the whole trip so far while they have been working. The wife is fine, but we just don't connect well, so its not a super fun time. I have plenty of time to myself. DH just works so much at home that I was hoping this would be a nice chance for us to spend more time together as a family and get to know his friends a bit better. So far it's been me hanging out with the wife most of the day. We do eat dinner together, I guess that's a plus since we never do at home.

[marie3246]

Jul 28, 2015 22:08:41 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

I actually don't think it's your expectations that need to be adjusted. I think it's your communication. I feel like this all should have been hashed out and negotiated
Before the trip was scheduled, and definitely before you left. Now that you are there it's harder without coming off as a bitch. But yes, take some time for yourself and stop doing do much entertaining. I would also talk to your H and see how he can make some more time for you guys on this trip.

Yes I do know our communication sucks. I had one idea and he had another. He is supposed to talk to his BP about us having a date night but the fishing trip is the priority now.

[madisen]

I think you need to suck it up this go around and make the best of it, especially considering there is business and networking involved. And yes, for me that would include lots of day drinking.

But after you get home you really need to talk to your DH about your expectations for what a family vacation should be and plan one of those when you can.

[marie3246]

Jul 28, 2015 22:22:01 GMT -5 hermione said:

Jul 28, 2015 22:12:43 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

Yes I will never do this again. The BP and his wife take monthly vacations. For us, this is it. I didn't except it to be the most relaxing, fun vacation, but I did think a week with Dh working from home part time and us being steps from the beach would be nicer than him working 65 + hours and being at home. So far not so much.

Its more like DD and I joined H on his friends trip. Sure I can go and do something on my own, but I have been here a million times and what I really want is family time with my H. This isn't the place for it I guess.

Im not going to make a big deal of it and H can go fishing with his friends but I won't come on this type of trip anytime soon.

It sounds like you want your husband to read your mind. He's not going to so either say something or be prepared for this to become your vacation norm.

You are right. I was hoping he wanted to spend more time with us with this trip but instead as soon as we get here he wants to go with his friends. I know he can't read my mind but I feel like it sucks to tell him I want more time with him and then him stay back just because I said that, not bc that's actually what he wants to do. I know that is unrealistic though. I need to be more clear about my expectations in the future though because I do not want vacations like this again.

In my defense though, it took H awhile to talk me into this trip though. He painted a nice picture of him getting up early to work and working while DD napped and I got ready. It has not worked like that at and he has added a few more stops that have been more stress than they are worth. I knew it wasn't going to be the most fun trip ever but I didn't know how badly I would just want to go home.

[curbsideprophet]

I think the vacation you wanted went out the window the moment he invited his BP and BP's family.

[Deleted]

I totally get it. It's been hard for us to adjust our expectations on trips with a toddler. There was a rough period of adjustment and some dirty looks, for sure. Be blunt with him about your needs. Being on duty all day for a toddler is fucking exhausting!

[marie3246]

Jul 28, 2015 22:32:50 GMT -5 @this said:

Jul 28, 2015 22:23:18 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

Yes sure I can stay back and hang out with the wife. I've been doing that the whole trip so far while they have been working. The wife is fine, but we just don't connect well, so its not a super fun time. I have plenty of time to myself. DH just works so much at home that I was hoping this would be a nice chance for us to spend more time together as a family and get to know his friends a bit better. So far it's been me hanging out with the wife most of the day. We do eat dinner together, I guess that's a plus since we never do at home.

I mean, I guess that's something I would have hammered out before?? IDK. I wouldn't have expected a trip with another couple, let alone DH's business partner, to be quality family time with the three of us.

I realize that's not helpful now that you're in the thick of it. Maybe ask DH to stop working and hang out with you too? With the wife and business partner?

Yes looking back I realize now we should have discussed this more. I feel like DH is always pretty good at talking me into stuff that I first thought was a bad idea. I need to stick more to my original instinct.

I didnt think it would be a full time trip with the 3 of us, I just thought we were here for him and BP to get some work done together (not networking) and be in a nice fun place to enjoy while he wasn't working. He said he would work early, late and while DD napped and the rest of the time would be with us, but the reality is that's not how its working. So its been me hanging with the wife and kid, which is fine but if I'm making the trip to my families condo I either want to go alone or just with H. If I knew I would be hanging with them for 90% of the time I would have gladly stayed home. It just feels like I'm tagging along on his friends trip and its annoying.

[marie3246]

Jul 28, 2015 22:34:48 GMT -5 curbsideprophet said:

I think the vacation you wanted went out the window the moment he invited his BP and BP's family.

Yeah, no kidding I don't know why its the fishing that is putting me over the edge though. I think it's a combo of stuff. I feel like his friend living here makes it so much less of a vacation since we always have to see them and H goes fishing every time we come for at least a day. And then that Hs new job has so much less vacation and he's using a week of it for this stupid trip. And while I'm not fully hosting, I still have to show them where the towels are, pillows, etc plus H and I have been fighting a lot lately so the extra tension isn't helping. Venting on here has helped though.

[marie3246]

Thanks everyone. Talking it out has helped. Im not going to make a big deal about the fishing but looking back I know we need to get on the same page if we ever do this again.

Our next trip to visit his family is going to be pretty awful, I need to stop having him make the plans!

[sent]

Jul 28, 2015 22:54:49 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

Thanks everyone. Talking it out has helped. Im not going to make a big deal about the fishing but looking back I know we need to get on the same page if we ever do this again.

Our next trip to visit his family is going to be pretty awful, I need to stop having him make the plans!

Can you go on your own trip?  We've done this since I got pregnant.  I think it's a good thing because we each get a few days where you don't have to think about what's going on at home.  Usually the trip is related to something like one of our friend's is getting married out of town or I have a CE course to attend.  Any way he and your DD can go to the IL's and you stay home and get a break?  I think my husband didn't appreciate how much effort it is to care for DD when you have to be alone with her until he had to do it himself.    

[ECB]

I agree- this is largely a communication issue. I wouldn't say "no" to the fishing trip BUT right now, today, I would ABSOLUTELY tell him "hey- you aren't holding up your end of the bargain. this is a problem for me.".

And then once you're home and away from the whole thing, I think you need to have another talk about the lack of time that you 3, as a family, have. how you feel that everything/everyone else is a priority. Point out how finding family time totally flew out the window once fishing came up. how you want a vacation that is about the 3 of you as a family. That you NEED this. This is important to you.  And even beyond the vacation - that you just want more of an effort made to find some genuine FAMILY time.

I don't know if this is true for you, and well, you may not really know if it's true - but I know for myself that th emore supported I feel by DH, the more flexible and willing I am to "let" him do stuff he wants to do. For context - he works a 2 week on/ 2 week off job. When he's "on", EVEYRTHING falls to me. The house, DS, EVERYTHING. It can be a lot. But when he gets home during that "on" time and then especially when he's in his 2 weeks off, he does SO MUCH for me and DS and tries so hard to take the burden off of me, that when stuff comes up that takes him away from us even more - I don't mind it too much because I know that DS and I ARE a priority to him. 

I hope that makes sense.  I think about the fishing trip - my DH likes to fish too and there have been some vacations where he's taken a day to go fish.  Internally I grumble, but externally, I say "go, have fun" because the rest of the week?  He's 100% there for me and DS.  So, in turn, I want him to be able to go do something he really enjoys. 

I feel like this is what your DH needs to understand/ see.  If he'd actually REALLY put you all first, that it may come to a point where you'll much more happily say "go fish! Have fun!".  When you get him 90% of the time, that 10% doesn't seem as big of a deal.  But when you only get him 40% of the time, losing yet another 10% really really bites.

[jeaniebueller]

Having to entertain my H's friend's wife while he and his friends were off fishing sounds just awful to me, so I hear you. Again, its not about the fishing but about the lack of time you have had together. Like others said, I would hash this out once you get home. In the meantime do some day drinking and hang out at the beach.

[ilikedonuts]

So he also just decided your next trip is to go visit his family? and you have no say?

[ringstrue]

I just wanted to say hugs and I feel you. We were just on a terrible "vacation" and while it wasn't the same scenario, it was still god awful and we both agreed that it needs a redo. Also I feel you that during the vacation is a very hard time to talk about said vacation, however I don't want you to be so stressed out that you end up having a meltdown during dinner, kwim?

I think the PP who mentioned to plan for tomorrow as a "you day" or "just your family" day would be a good idea. We usually do a day at the outlets and eat out (just us as a family) and getting away/out is easier cuz DH can't slink off and I don't feel compelled by chores. Even if you don't plan on buying much at all its still fun to look at the things - we usually stop by the toy store, etc. Or any other way to get your family away and doing something together for several hours.

[Deleted]

Jul 28, 2015 22:02:49 GMT -5 mooselovah said:

First you need to stop being a hostess.

Second, I think you can say. One day of fishing out of 5 days is enough.

Third, take tomorrow off. Go do what you like and your Dh can parent your 16 month old.

But yes it sucks when your not in the same page with regards to a vacation.

All of this. Talk to your husband about your disappointment, needing some time off due to his working FT and part time with this side business, and needing him to step up and spend more time as a family.

I face some of the same challenges of having to solo parent more often and have come to the realization that I just need to hire babysitters to get time off and that's okay. If you need a break and he can't provide it you should definitely build that into the budget. I know it's not the same as him spending more time with your child, but you will just end up being more and more resentful.