Post by StephaniePlum on Jul 31, 2015 19:49:10 GMT -5
I WFH and am primary bread winner (He has a full-time job, I just make substantially more), but I am also default parent. That said, he is waaaay better at housework than me- so, he does laundry, at least 1/2 dishes, garbage, all outdoor chores, handled all car and house maintenance, he manages finances (he's a CPA), and he probably handles about 25% of childcare. Our nanny does all drop off and pickup of the kids and folds and puts away laundry. She is also our housekeeper when the kids are at school. I do all shopping for clothes and food, homework, all school and extra-curriculars, all night and morning wakeups bc I'm an insomniac, lunches, dr appts, days when nanny is out, cooking, etc. So, even though I'm default parent he does more housework by far. We are incredibly lucky to have a nanny and my work from home situation. That said, I do travel at least 1x per month and when I travel, his mom usually comes to help and I arrange everything for the time I'm gone- pack lunches, prep dinners, etc.
H has taken up a super intensive project at work. He's so busy all the time. I'm lucky that I have my mom here but she leaves in a month, so I have been wondering how I'm going to manage everything by myself. The baby doesn't sleep more than ten minutes at a time during the day and eats every couple of hours. And I very cleverly decided to take some courses this fall. I really don't know if I should enlist I'd help or if I should work out how best to do it alone. I'm not able to study in the time she sleeps because either I'm really tired or I keep getting interrupted anyway.bi really don't know what to do.
Responded before and just saw this- a) I'm sure you have heard this, but it's going to get soooo much better before you know it with the baby; b) my kids are 3 and 6- my husband have probably only found the right balance in the last 12-18 months, which isn't meant to scare you, but to commiserate that it's super hard and frustrating; and c) if you can afford it- get help- you won't regret it and when your baby is 6 you will be so glad you spent less time stressing about chores and could enjoy her! Good luck, you are in the midst of the hardest part!
Post by crazycakes on Jul 31, 2015 20:14:42 GMT -5
This is a point of contention with us. I work FT from home. DH is a restaurant manager who puts in a lot of hours and has a decent commute (~45 minutes each way). So I take on a lot of the home stuff.
He does: All yard work Feeds the dogs in the morning Takes care of DD Mondays when he's off work (mostly, he is in my office every 30 minutes with stupid questions and drives me insane. I.e. "Do you think she's hungry? She seems hungry." OK THEN FEED HER, OMG)
That's about it. He will do stuff when I ask him, but is not proactive at all in doing the day to day stuff.
Now that she's getting older it's getting easier but I still have to basically give him step by step instructions whenever I need help with something.
ETA: we did hire a cleaning lady. That has helped immensely. I will cut everything else from the budget, including wine, for my weekly cleaning lady.
Post by imhischeeseburger on Jul 31, 2015 20:21:39 GMT -5
I SAH and do most of the house chores and kid stuff. It's not uncommon for him to be up before 5am and home at 6pm. His job is physically exhausting and he is in charge of a lot at work. He does all the lawn work,trash, bills, and will make breakfast on the weekends and change diapers when asked. I will need him to do more once this baby comes. We will see how that goes.
DH is very helpful. He usually loads the dishwasher after dinner, cleans up the kitchen, and gets the kids ready for bed. He also does any and all yard work. He is also very willing to do any random errand I need. We have had VBS this week so I have asked him to grocery shop, change loads of laundry, and make dinner one night. He never complains.
Post by TrudyCampbell on Jul 31, 2015 21:16:36 GMT -5
Daily basis, not much, but he helps out a lot on the weekends. He honestly does most of the "heavy cleaning" like bathroom etc. I straighten up everything and vacuum and run our scooba (robot mop) but he does mostly everything else.
In terms of the kids, the majority of nights he isn't home to see them to bed. If he is home, he does their bath and entire bedtime routine. On days he works late he still gets the girls up in the morning and does breakfast, so I "sleep in" until 730 every weekday.
On weekends he is amazing. I could disappear for the entire weekend and he would be fine. But I don't see much of him during the week.
ETA we mainly send our laundry out, but if we do it here he does it, it's in our basement of our apartment building and it's too much for me to carry even to our elevator so he does it. Also, my husband is awesome.
During the week he's rarely home for dinner-- he feeds ds breakfast since he's an early riser, unloads the dishwasher, takes out the trash, if he's home early enough he gets them to bed (reads, brushes teeth)
weekends- groceries, most of the laundry, bedtime routine, mows the lawn when needed, takes the kids to the library, takes them to soccer/golf depending on season
H's schedule is nuts right now. He mows/trims, takes trash out, and does bedtime most nights for our son.
I do all cooking, inside cleaning, laundry, errands/grocery shopping, and DDs bedtime. I do all MOTN wake ups, too. (Usually just 1x per night with her.)
He does a lot of childcare on the weekends so I can sleep in one day and get small breaks/alone time in the afternoons.
I'm going to add, I'd do whatever it took to make financial sacrifices to hire help for you. You are in the thick of the hardest time of new motherhood and doing it without much help from your busy H is really really hard. You hang in there my friend. Gosh I wish we lived closer so I could lend a hand.
Thank you (heart)
I completely underestimated the time and effort required in the first few months. My OB was super casual and told me to go ahead and join school a month after giving birth and now I'm totally WTFing her. Thank god that I deferred my masters to next year.
H does a lot of work but he needs to be reminded and everything has to be spelled out. I don't always have the energy for that. I love to hang out with the baby and she is far easier than some babies I know but it does take a toll on me that I always have to be "on call". I'm glad to hear that things will get easier.
I'm going to take everyone's advice and try to get some help either from outside or from H himself if we cannot afford outside help. Thank you all.
My H does the cat boxes, trash, lawns, and I usually make him clean up the toys with me after the kids are asleep and make him clean up the kitchen before or after I cook meals.
He also does lots errands and most of the grocery shopping, I send him with the lists.
And we both get things ready for bedtime. I do baths, he gets them dried and dressed after, brushes hair and teeth, I lay the twins down while he reads to my son and then after I get them settled I finish up bedtime with my son while H goes to bed.
I feel like I should do more though, he works early hours and gets less sleep than I do.
I will say that reworking the budget to hire a cleaning lady & lawn service has helped us bicker a lot less.
I agree. Even though I stay home now, keeping the cleaning lady was non negotiable. She comes every other week, but it saves me from having to spend hours stubbing toilets, washing windows, and mopping floors. I obviously still have to do basic things like vacuum in between visits, clean the kitchen every day, laundry, make beds, etc. The way i see it, DH has an assistant at work to do all the crap he either doesn't want to do or doesn't have time to do, so I should too!
I'm going to add, I'd do whatever it took to make financial sacrifices to hire help for you. You are in the thick of the hardest time of new motherhood and doing it without much help from your busy H is really really hard. You hang in there my friend. Gosh I wish we lived closer so I could lend a hand.
My OB was super casual and told me to go ahead and join school a month after giving birth and now I'm totally WTFing her. ..... H does a lot of work but he needs to be reminded and everything has to be spelled out. I don't always have the energy for that. ;
I'm wtf'ing your OB too! What new mom has the energy for grad school at one month pp?
And our H's are very similar. We use COZI as a calendar and a list making app. Whenever DH says he doesn't know what to do I just say "I'm not sure what does Cozi say?" At this point he is good about the daily stuff but still asks about random stuff that needs to be done.
I WFH (on mat leave right now). Dh does after supper kitchen clean up (dishes, sweep, mop if necessary) every day. He also takes care of the trash/recycling and often washes his own work clothes. He typically cleans the toilets/sinks once a week.
He doesn't do much with the kids on a worknight. Usually they're following me around the house unless I specifically tell him to watch them (if I'm cooking, bathing one, vacuuming...). He puts ds1 to bed after I get him ready.
Can you guys afford a mother's helper during the day? Watching a baby is a full time job and you need some sleep.
Seriously, sequins. That was the hardest lesson for me to learn with K and I'm doing things differently with this one. You don't have to do and be everything. Your H needs to pick up the slack in the evenings. And if you can get extra help in the daytime, do it. Even if you just have someone come over for two hours so you can take a nap.
I just hired a mothers helper a few weeks ago and it has been a godsend great suggestion! Just to get out of the house to grocery shop, run errands and nap/shower has made me feel a little bit more normal with an infant at home.
Post by Queen Mamadala on Aug 1, 2015 17:44:03 GMT -5
He makes most of the quick trips to the store, does his own laundry, makes trips to the bank, Costco runs, and other quick errands. He doesn't cook. Just not his thing, and it's no biggie. He does a good job of tidying up if I need him to, and he usually asks if there's anything he can do. He does a lot of the work or projects around the house.
He usually does the litter boxes, and if available he'll do doctor visits. When the older kids were in school he'd sometimes pick them up, and he even drove them to school when it was colder during the fall and winter months.
With the kids, the older kids are pretty self-sufficient. He helps with homework if they need it, and he'll take them out when running errands or to the movies. With our 8 month old, he helps with all baby-related things, and he's pretty great about it. Usually a few days out of the week he takes her for a walk to allow me time to shower, do laundry or get other things done. And usually Saturday or Sunday is movie theater day where the older two and I go to the movies, and he stays home with the other two. And then they go together when we return.
Call me lucky, or whatever. My H does A LOT! I work from home. My hours are very structured. Some days I work late (10-8) and I work weekends (Saturday 8-6 and Sunday 10-8). We have DS who is 4. So H is busy with him, and cleaning. while I'm working. I really appreciate it. Is it the way I do it? No. But I am thankful. Sequins, if your H isn't helping out that much and you're busy with the baby, write out a list and tell him to do it, or you need to have a CJT with him. It was tough when I had DS in the beginning. It was tough on both of us. I always felt like my house was a wreck and I was a wreck.
Oh I meant to add H's job is F/T and he makes more money than me. But his schedule is 8-5 and he does pick up and drop off for summer camp and pre-school for our son.
Post by konstantine on Aug 1, 2015 18:10:54 GMT -5
He does dishes after I cook, puts our oldest son to bed, folds and puts away laundry that is clean (actually, he usually washes/dries clothes, too). I do all of the grocery shopping but he will pick up some wine or a random item I may need. All of the yard work is done by him, too.
Post by wanderlustmom on Aug 1, 2015 20:12:54 GMT -5
I work about 20 hours a week and have been mostly happy with our division of labor. I just have to ask for some things. I wish he would see it more. But he pays all the bills, does the majority of the grocery shopping, the cat box, and any laundry and cleaning when I ask. We hire out a cleaning service and lawn mowers but together we weed the yard. He grills, I cook and he cleans up all the dishes. We share kid stuff equally.
Post by sandyapples on Aug 1, 2015 20:51:11 GMT -5
I SAH and H works. He is out of the house 11-12 hours a day. He also has a medical condition that makes him tired. I do almost all housework and most childcare too. He puts the kids to bed once a week or so and occasionally cleans up after supper. He will take DD1 to activities if he is home on time. That is pretty much it during the week. In the weekends he pitches in if we are having company or something, and he does a lot of the yard work.
This thread is starting to get a teensy bit depressing, lol.
Don't get depressed! You have a new baby so it's different than those of us with even slightly older kids. Having a baby is a big adjustment for everyone in the family and it takes awhile to figure out the new normal/new routines/who does what.
Well, SAH/WFH are two totally different things IMO. I SAH but I have a school-aged kid who is only a handful in the summer. But to be honest, I've done most of the cleaning since David was a baby. H does most of the laundry because he's a little OCD about it.
I know that if there is ever a time that I feel overwhelmed or just feel the house is a shithole and I reach out to him to help, he is right there to help, no complaints. It's admittedly easy for me because of my circumstance but if it's for some reason not easy, he's totally awesome and ready to do what I ask.
Outside of that he does his and most of David's laundry, all of the trash and landscaping (which we recently hired out and it's been AWESOME). He also takes care of the dog 99% of the time. I feel like we both do quite a bit.
He told me a few weeks ago that we should get a cleaning person so I don't have to do so much and since we also have a landscaper now, it would be giving us both a break. With his new job we could definitely afford it, I just can't part with that money, lol. At least not yet. I'm considering it, though.
He plays with the kids a bit. He occasionally takes them out himself.
He does a couple of meals a week or has been lately, grilling season.
He does his own laundry.
He does some grocery shopping, maybe three times a month. I shop about three times a week at the grocery store.
He has used the vacuum maybe twice in our relationship. He has never done any kid laundry. He doesn't wipe anything down. No bathroom cleaning. No sheets. No picking up or organizing.