Neighbor WWYD

[gogreengowhite]

This is a question for a friend of mine...

My friend has a neighbor behind their house that just appears whenever they are outside.

10 minutes grilling dinner...hello neighbor.

Weeding the flower beds...neighbor.

They both have daughters the same age that go to the same daycare so I think it is her wanting to play.

However my friend is at her wits end and feels trapped in her house.

How would you approach this? Assume telling the neighbors to shove off isn't an option.

[aurora]

Neighbor sounds lonely. I gather friend isn't interested in regular conversations? Is a fence possible?

[fangoriagurkel]

Can she engage the neighbor in chit chat for a minute or two and then rerurn to her outdoor tasks? Or is the neighbor going to keep trying to chat?

Maybe bring a radio out or use headphones? Recruit neighbor to help weed the flower beds and hope she doesn't take her up on the offer?

[gogreengowhite]

It seems like they want to hang out/talk.

But we were over there and my friend said "less then 3 minutes...watch"

Less than a minute later they are outside walking our way.

The daughter is very nice and my daughter likes her too so we don't want to be mean, but my friend wants to be able to enjoy her yard in peace.

Our HOA does not approve of fences but if they got every neighbor to agree they might be able to get one.

[msmerymac]

I don't really understand the problem? Say hi and then... see what's going on? If the kid wants to play, tell them, "We're just about to eat dinner, but are you free Saturday morning?" I'm guessing the yard is more than 10 square feet, so after making some pleasant small talk, I'd go back to doing whatever I was doing in my own yard.

[ddi741]

Ours isn't exactly the same thing because there are no children involved but we have the same issue with our neighbors.
Everytime we are outside, I can time it until they will be out. They actually have the chairs on their back deck turned so that when they sit there they are looking directly into our back yard. God forbid we have a party, they are falling over themselves to get a look.

I used to wave and or say hello / chit chat. Now I just completely ignore them.

We are not that exciting, I'm sorry they have nothing to keep them occupied but it's annoying as hell. It has not in any way stopped me from enjoying my yard.

[AAM2012]

Are there some trees that they could plant to create some privacy? I am not a people person so I totally get not wanting to have to talk to a neighbor every.single.time. I am outside.

[gogreengowhite]

They are definitely coming into the yard and hovering. The dad once just stood over her while my friend weeded.

I really think it is a social boundaries thing that they aren't getting.

[Balki.Bartokomous]

Aug 3, 2015 9:02:37 GMT -5 AAM2012 said:

Are there some trees that they could plant to create some privacy? I am not a people person so I totally get not wanting to have to talk to a neighbor every.single.time. I am outside.

I like this idea. In the meantime I'd say hi politely and then go back to doing what I'm doing and ignore.

Is it the adult or the kid that keeps coming out?

[gogreengowhite]

Aug 3, 2015 9:07:59 GMT -5 Balki.Bartokomous said:

Aug 3, 2015 9:02:37 GMT -5 AAM2012 said:

Are there some trees that they could plant to create some privacy? I am not a people person so I totally get not wanting to have to talk to a neighbor every.single.time. I am outside.

I like this idea. In the meantime I'd say hi politely and then go back to doing what I'm doing and ignore.

Is it the adult or the kid that keeps coming out?

Both. Sometimes the mom, sometimes the mom with kids, the dad by himself...

[Balki.Bartokomous]

Aug 3, 2015 9:09:36 GMT -5 gogreengowhite said:

Aug 3, 2015 9:07:59 GMT -5 Balki.Bartokomous said:

I like this idea. In the meantime I'd say hi politely and then go back to doing what I'm doing and ignore.

Is it the adult or the kid that keeps coming out?

Both. Sometimes the mom, sometimes the mom with kids, the dad by himself...

Oh that is weird. I remember a kid like that on our street when I was growing up, but the parents were never around, so he was pretty lonely. It sounds like this family is trying to make friends but going about it in the wrong way. I'd definitely be less friendly than usual in this case.

[ladyk]

Aug 3, 2015 9:06:25 GMT -5 gogreengowhite said:

They are definitely coming into the yard and hovering. The dad once just stood over her while my friend weeded.

I really think it is a social boundaries thing that they aren't getting.

Then I would stop and look up at him and say "can I help you with something or are you here to help?" and wait for his response. As for the mom and kid, the mom sounds lonely. Maybe scheduled play dates would help lower the need for them to come out every time your friend is in the yard.

[shopgirl07]

The direct approach will definitely be the most effective. But if she's not comfortable doing that yet, I'd just wear earbuds and pretend to be on the phone or listening to music for a while.

[aurora]

Aug 3, 2015 9:15:51 GMT -5 @foodielicious said:

This sounds worse every time you update

I think if they're missing polite social cues, the only choice is to be direct if she really wants the privacy.

Next time it's just an adult, I'd say...something like "hey, I really like my time in the garden to just unwind and be alone. I hope you don't mind. Thanks!"

Hopefully once she squashes that wierdness the rest will abate, or a few months later, she can tackle another thing so that it's not all rude and GO AWAY!! although tbh I'd be sorely tempted.

Starting to feel glad our neighbors behind us ignore us..this would be so much worse!

I agree that this is awkward but I think your friend is going to have to reconsider directness as an option since he's not getting the social cues. I'd say something like foodie suggested. If she's too nervous to be that direct, she can always amend to "I really want to listen to this audiobook I checked out from the library..." (with earbuds in, obviously) even if she has nothing playing. I get that sometimes people just want to be alone with their thoughts (I certainly do), but I'm guessing this guy would want some sort of reason.

[nomad100]

I like the "put them to work" option. But seriously, your friend just needs to tell these folks that their coming in her yard and lingering is not appropriate.

I can't imagine just walking into someone's yard and hovering while they were weeding.

[ECB]

I think she needs to find ways to basically say "nice to see you but I really can't chat right now" with a smile and then turning back to what she's doing.

In think also having earbuds in and claiming to be listening to a book is good too.


I think if she starts doing that, HOPEFULLY they'll realize their company isn't wanted every time your friend is outside.

[imojoebunny]

My last neighbor, who is now a good friend, requires bluntness. I got where I would just tell her, "I am doing this, can we talk later?" Or "my friends is coming over and I would like to visit with just her! since we don't see each other often." It didn't hurt her feelings, maybe a little at first, but it also allowed us to develop a lasting and strong relationship based on trust and respect.

[ECB]

Aug 3, 2015 17:47:18 GMT -5 imojoebunny said:

My last neighbor, who is now a good friend, requires bluntness. I got where I would just tell her, "I am doing this, can we talk later?" Or "my friends is coming over and I would like to visit with just her! since we don't see each other often." It didn't hurt her feelings, maybe a little at first, but it also allowed us to develop a lasting and strong relationship based on trust and respect.

to follow on this, every couple times, take the time to talk. Try to find a balance. Put it out there w "oh, nice to see you but ..." Them buffer it with sometimes taking the time to stop and chat. Set boundaries but also show that you do want some kind of relationship.

[thatgirl2478]

I get it. I do. You're entitled to be left alone in your yard. But I also get being lonely and looking for friends. Yeah, maybe all you have (that you know of) is that you have kids the same age and live in the same area, but is it really THAT hard to be nice and chit chat for a while? If you talk for a few minutes and then tell her something along the lines of 'I've had a nice time talking to you, but now I have to get back to work' she'll (and the husband & child) will probably figure it out and leave you alone. OR you might find that they are nice people and you'll have a good relationship with your neighbor. OR you might meet your new best friend.

I wish my neighbors with young kids were outside more often so I could chit chat with them...

[LoveTrains]

I like to chat with my neighbors and sometimes come out of my house when I see them....they do the same to me.

Anyway, if they come up to me and I can't chat or vice versa I generally say "So nice to see you, but I'm afraid I don't have time to chat right now" and go back to what I"m doing.

[v]

Swingers. Definitely swingers.

[gogreengowhite]

Aug 4, 2015 5:41:02 GMT -5 v said:

Swingers. Definitely swingers.

Oh we've talked about that possibility.

[dale]

I would plant something. A row of hedges they can't just walk across. Or some arborvitae if they want more privacy. They grow tall and bushy.