talk to me about (low pressure) potty training please

[mpc]

DS's daycare teachers told us they think he's ready to start potty training and they want us to send him in underwear starting monday. (?!)  (this doesn't mean he needs to BE potty trained by monday, just that they are going to start working with him.)

So, first some background, then questions. He's 2 years 5 months. They've been giving him the chance to use the toilet at every diaper change since 18 months. It's a familiarization thing, it's one big bathroom, all the kids try, they see the bigger kids going. We also let him try every night before bed. He usually actually pees a couple times a day, so he knows how to do it, but there's been no effort so far at encouraging him to stay dry in between. (also, he's never pooped on the potty.)

He has an issue with extra fluid in his kidneys, so we see a pediatric urologist. It hasn't caused any problems yet, but it's something we're monitoring. The urologist is concerned about potty training (in general) because he sees so many kids end up with a UTI from holding it in too much, which could be worse for DS and his kidneys. (FWIW, our pedi says that the urologist sees this stuff all day every day and is overly conservative because of it. Pedi isn't as concerned.)  Anyway, urologist doesn't really want us using pressure or even offering rewards to get DS to stay dry, because he doesn't want him to end up with a UTI from holding it too long.

1. So I'm not really sure how to go about actual potty training. do you think we can be successful if we just switch to underwear, take him to the toilet every hour, but don't really tell him he needs to stay dry in between? And how do I get him to poop in the potty without offering rewards for it? Just hope he's a unicorn toddler? 

2. assuming we tell daycare that yes, they can go ahead and start working with him next week, should we start with underwear this weekend? I figured we would, but H says we should just let monday be the first day, since "they know what they're doing".

Thanks for reading.

[mpc]

wow, that got long. maybe I should've just said, how do we make potty training low stress for the kid? lol!

[Deleted]

Have you looked at the 3 day method? I'm not saying you need to go that route but it's one way to pt without rewards. We didn't do any rewards with J. Just lots of positive praise and running him there anytime he looked like he needed to go.

Eta: we were running J to the potty constantly at first. So he definitely wasn't learning to "hold" it for long periods of time. It was more about learning to go anytime he felt the urge if that makes sense.

[spk926]

Honestly, given that information I would wait.

ETA Oops, @this and I must have been commenting at the same time! Great minds and all....

[undecidedowl]

We did the 3 day method and really focused on keeping his underwear dry and praised him for that. I didn't want to praise him for peeing in the potty because then he would just go more frequently.

In your case, maybe it would work opposite. Tons of praise for getting pee on the potty instead of his underwear, but not really saying anything about staying dry or holding it.

ETA: I do agree with PPs that waiting is also fine. Daycare told us they were ready to help train DS1 at 2.5 yo and we still waited until he was almost 3.5 yo.

[curbsideprophet]

We never offered rewards for being dry, just peeing or pooping on the potty.

Trying to go every hour would not have worked for DD. She did not like to be forced. We just had to tell her to remind us if you need to go.

Pooping on the potty took much longer, I would say at least six months longer.

[mpc]

we have to do it eventually, and he does seem pretty willing to go often. I kind of feel like we could give it a shot, and then just abandon ship if things go south. I don't know...

[Deleted]

Aug 7, 2015 8:14:35 GMT -5 mpc said:

we have to do it eventually, and he does seem pretty willing to go often. I kind of feel like we could give it a shot, and then just abandon ship if things go south. I don't know...

Is the urologist concerned about pt now or just in general? Does he think it will be better if you wait? I guess I read the op as he is concerned in general but that it will be an issue now or later. In which case if your son seems ready now I don't see the need to wait since it will still be an issue then kwim?

If he seems ready/willing etc. You could just try it out and then stop if it's not working so as not to presure him and encourage holding it too long. We pt when we knew j was ready, telling us he had a poopy diaper shortly before going, that type of thing. It's definitely much easier when they are ready.

[water*drop]

Daycare potty trained DD for us. She was in underwear there a few months before she was in underwear at home. At daycare, she basically went because she saw other kids doing it, and after she'd been dry for a few days in a row, they asked us to send her in underwear. At home, we didn't push it because we were about to have a new baby and didn't want to deal with it. We made a little potty available to her and asked her to let us know if she wanted to go or if she wanted to use the big potty. At first, she rarely told us at home despite being accident-free in underwear at daycare, but we figured she'd get it eventually or we'd push it when we eventually had to. She decided one day at home that she wanted underwear there, too, so we switched. She is not night trained, but we don't care about that yet.

[thebreakfastclub]

I did the oh crap method and it clicked in less than a day. He was naked with a lot of fluids the first morning, with the potty in the living room. I said, it's time to learn potty and I will teach you.

He whined for 2 hours and finally he had to pee. We celebrated and kept on playing. By lunch he said he needed to poop and he did it in the potty.

He was commando with me for a week, in pull ups for a week at daycare and now underwear. Pull up for naps.

It was low pressure but not child led.

[mpc]

Aug 7, 2015 8:23:41 GMT -5 @awinter said:

Aug 7, 2015 8:14:35 GMT -5 mpc said:

we have to do it eventually, and he does seem pretty willing to go often. I kind of feel like we could give it a shot, and then just abandon ship if things go south. I don't know...

Is the urologist concerned about pt now or just in general? Does he think it will be better if you wait? I guess I read the op as he is concerned in general but that it will be an issue now or later. In which case if your son seems ready now I don't see the need to wait since it will still be an issue then kwim?

If he seems ready/willing etc. You could just try it out and then stop if it's not working so as not to presure him and encourage holding it too long. We pt when we knew j was ready, telling us he had a poopy diaper shortly before going, that type of thing. It's definitely much easier when they are ready.

my impression is that he wishes kids never had to go through potty training. but, sigh, it seems it can't be avoided. So, no, he wasn't saying he thought DS was too young, just telling us all the things not to do. we only see him once a year at this point.

[thebreakfastclub]

DS is using the potty roughly every 2 hours or earlier for transitions. I pee before we go to the store, so he does too.

He loves pooping on the potty and showing off his efforts, lol.

It is a million times easier than diapers. DS is so pleased with himself too. No rewards needed. I say give it a try.

[Deleted]

We did low pressure PTing with our oldest.

Lots of naked time when at home and getting to watch cartoons while sitting on the potty.

He was in daycare 3 days a week at the time and was offered the potty a lot there but refused it. Once he got the hang of it at home while naked we put underwear on him. Once he had it figured out at home with clothes on he tried at daycare. Took a week and a few days of three changes of clothes but he was fine by the end of the week. The whole process took maybe six weeks if I remember? I'm DS2 is easy like this too.

[drloretta]

We did what I guess you could call the gentle method. All told I think it was 9 months from "let's start" to no accidents. We put her in Pull Ups at home, but within a week or 2 daycare told us to just put her in underwear and they would handle it. They dealt with a LOT of accidents at the beginning, but we knew it was going to be a learning process.

DD was pretty quickly able to do quick trips (Target, grocery store) with underwear without any issues. DH was more concerned she'd have accidents, but I was home with her all day so I knew she'd be OK, and we were just prepared to deal with any accidents that happened. Over time she was able to tell us when she needed to go, and accidents were few and far between. She started having more accidents when she started Montessori, but I think that was a reaction to having all the stuff to play with and not wanting to be bothered going in the toilet.

FWIW we never had an issue with DD holding it, and she's never had a UTI. She would just pee her pants. You may end up with a child like that, and IMO it's perfectly fine.

Poop came after pee if I remember correctly, but she figured that out pretty easily

Why are you against rewards? I can see how your urologist may have concerns, but even with a pee-er and poop-er, we did stickers.

ETA: I bought the AAP's book on potty training, and I found it to be very helpful. It talked a lot about working with your child's personality to figure out the best way to PT. It's definitely not a one size fits all.

[mpc]

Aug 7, 2015 9:20:19 GMT -5 drloretta said:

Why are you against rewards? I can see how your urologist may have concerns, but even with a pee-er and poop-er, we did stickers.

it's the urologist who specifically said no rewards. He doesn't even want us clapping or praising. He said kids want to please so they learn to hold it, but the skill for holding it comes before the skill to let it out, so that's what leads to problems. But since DS can and does already go a few times a day, it seems to me he already has the skill to let it out. I'm only a little nervous about poop since he hasn't done that one yet. 

(FWIW, we do say yay and clap every night when/if he does pee, so we're already not as "strict" as he said to be.)

[gibbinator]

We didn't push underwetbecause ds1 had chronic constipation issues related to diet and holding.
We did rewards for successfully peeing in the potty, made it a group activity at home ("Mommy's going pee! Do you want to come too? "), and used pull ups. He was dry all day at daycare for a few weeks before we started doing underwear all day. A few weeks after that he was consistently waking up dry so we switched to underwear full time.

[thebreakfastclub]

Aug 7, 2015 12:53:46 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Joanna has been a very reluctant potty trainer. I finally put underwear on her last weekend even though I was terrified of messes, took her to the potty every hour, and praised her for both using the potty and keeping her underwear dry. She did perfectly.  eta: I also gave her a sticker every time she went in the potty.

We've done pull-ups this week at my mom's, and it has gone not so well.

 If my mom told me to send J over there in underwear and she'd deal with the potential messes, I'd say hell yes to that! It seems to be the only think that works so far.

I am only a few weeks in to PT, but I agree that she needs more time before the pull ups.  DS was home with me for a week, and he wore shorts with no underwear.  If we went out, he did a pull up as special learning underwear, but I tried to mostly keep him home.

He needed a few days to separate what going in a diaper felt like, before he could come back to a pull up and understand that it was learning underwear, not the place to do the deed.   A pull up is so close to a diaper, it's confusing IMO.

[thebreakfastclub]

Aug 7, 2015 13:58:48 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Aug 7, 2015 13:56:22 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

I am only a few weeks in to PT, but I agree that she needs more time before the pull ups.  DS was home with me for a week, and he wore shorts with no underwear.  If we went out, he did a pull up as special learning underwear, but I tried to mostly keep him home.

He needed a few days to separate what going in a diaper felt like, before he could come back to a pull up and understand that it was learning underwear, not the place to do the deed.   A pull up is so close to a diaper, it's confusing IMO.

Yeah, I wish my mom would just agree to do the underwear. I understand why she doesn't want to deal with it while trying to keep up with E and my sister's baby too, though. I think Joanna understands that she's not supposed to go in the pull-up, but she doesn't want to stop playing, and the pull-up makes it so she doesn't have to.

I get that, I just had my one to worry about and I thought it was a long week.  So much Disney Jr.

Is the potty visible in your play area?  We kept ours out on a mat as a constant visual reminder.  

We didn't wait for DS to prompt, he was taken to the potty every 2 hours or at a transition.  Go when she gets there, go before they head outside, before lunch, etc.  I bet she is really close to fully getting it.   

[annieh22]

I'd ease into it with pull-ups or cloth training pants of some kind.
Also make sure to talk to daycare about emphasizing using the potty whenever needed and to downplay the idea of keeping dry or holding it. They will probably take him every 1-2 hours so it shouldn't be an issue with holding it.

We used pull-ups until they were super ready and it worked great. Didn't hinder the "getting it" part for my boys at least.