Playing nice in the marriage. Settle this

[Deleted]

After reading the getting a dog post, I was inspired by someone saying it's better to get along than be right in your marriage.
So situation.

My husband often trims his beard before bed but shaves in the morning (I have no idea why but it seems to be his system - something about the shower and the noise maybe?)
Anyway, when he trims, he doesn't use water so he leaves his little beard clippings in the sink. I yell at him. He says he was going to rinse everything in the morning.

One night, after his trim, I brushed my teeth and did not rinse his trimmings from the sink. He was standing behind me and accused me of deliberately not rinsing his hair. This was true. I guess I was being petty that it was his mess - he should deal with it.
He said that was silly and basically I wasn't being a team player.
Most of the time, he does rinse the hair but not always. I feel like he hasn't driven my crazy with this for a long time. He recently grew a bigger beard so maybe this is related.

So am I being petty for not rinsing (well yes, I am)
Or is he being annoying by not just cleaning it at the time (well yes he is)

Why don't you all just bash me and my h?

[cricketwife]

This is the type of thing you just have to let go. Tell him nicely how much it bothers you when he leaves hair in the sink. Hopefully he will clean up after himself more. When he doesn't, take a breath, remind yourself that it's not that big a deal, and just do it yourself. Otherwise, marriage can become very tit for tat.

[Deleted]

Aug 13, 2015 5:46:41 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

This is the type of thing you just have to let go. Tell him nicely how much it bothers you when he leaves hair in the sink. Hopefully he will clean up after himself more. When he doesn't, take a breath, remind yourself that it's not that big a deal, and just do it yourself. Otherwise, marriage can become very tit for tat.

Yeah I rinsed it this morning without any grumbles.

[Deleted]

Both. Ha.

I get it. H does stuff that drives me nuts too. I used to sort of rant about it all but then one day H kindly pointed out I do 66232354 equally annoying things he just lets go of or takes care of.

Now we sort of joke about stuff like this as we're taking care of it. In a friendly reminder way.

On my best days I take care of it. On my worst I rant about it.

I just try to follow the advice of, "In the time it took me to be mad/upset/whine about this, could I have just taken care of it? Yes? Then not worth the arguement!"

[6fsn]

This is why I live for double sinks. In the meantime I've sorted of fallen to "if it bugs me I take care of it"

[vmars]

Team let it go. My husband uses a garbage pale under his beard and it still gets in the sink. I usually clean it. Not worth the argument.

[minzy]

Bigger things would be a different story, but we each have little things like this, and I'm pretty sure my husband has the shorter end of the stick. He hardly ever complains about my little things and I suck it up usually too. Example, he always seems to soak the bathroom mat after a shower, and no matter how little of it or which part of it I step on to get to the toilet, my feet get wet (never fails). (I, of course, am "more perfect" at this particular task and mainly dry off in the shower.) But it's almost comforting, knowing my wet feet will happen.... Like, "oh look, DH was here," haha. Also, a reminder that yet again he has been up before me and is working his ass off for our family. So, spun the right way, this is no big deal in the grander scheme of our partnership.

I probably would have rinsed the sink fully if it had occurred to me, but being spiteful usually makes me feel worse about myself rather than better. I've pretty much never regretted taking the high road so I would probably opt for that.

[MNH2013]

Aug 13, 2015 5:48:28 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

Both. Ha.

I get it. H does stuff that drives me nuts too. I used to sort of rant about it all but then one day H kindly pointed out I do 66232354 equally annoying things he just lets go of or takes care of.

Now we sort of joke about stuff like this as we're taking care of it. In a friendly reminder way.

On my best days I take care of it. On my worst I rant about it.

I just try to follow the advice of, "In the time it took me to be mad/upset/whine about this, could I have just taken care of it? Yes? Then not worth the arguement!"

Ditto all the way!

[zarapipe]

Double sinks. Our new house has it and OMG. I don't care what his sink looks like I'm not cleaning it except for when I clean the whole bathroom.

[sent]

I think he should make an effort to clean the hair if it bothers you. I think this falls in the category of doing little things to make the other person happy.

This is why I love we have separate bathrooms. Sometimes he borrows mine which is ok bc DD is asleep, but one day he replaced the toilet paper in my bathroom and put it backwards. I pointed it out and he got pissed at me for pointing it out. This is why we have separate bathrooms dude! So I literally don't have to put up with your crap.

[minzy]

Also, if I'm understanding this correctly, he's actually conserving water by doing it his way. Little jabs aside, it's hard to hate on him for that!

[VillainV]

Yeah, the beard clippings/stubble in the sink used to bother me until my H pointed out that my shredded hair is all over the bathroom (and really, the whole house). I usually try to just clean it up if it bothers me. That's not to say it isn't annoying, because sometimes it is, but he puts up with my annoying habits too.

[bowies]

Aug 13, 2015 6:38:10 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

I think if he's not rinsing it himself right away, he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on to say that you should be rinsing it.

H and I each have a few annoying things that bug the other person. Some of it is suck it up and deal, other stuff we talk about and try to make an effort for the other person.

Pretty much this. We also don't have a problem saying "hey you, gross person, deal with this please." The other is all "my bad, taking care of it now" and then we move on. We both have our blind spots when it comes to messes. Luckily they rarely overlap so we avoid living in squalor.

[oswin]

This reminds me of something I often do that bugs DH, and I think he's finally gotten over it and accepted that I forget sometimes. I tend to leave the empty toilet paper roll on the floor in the bathroom instead of taking it out to the recycling bin.

But ditto to what @justdairy said - if it takes longer to complain about it than to fix it, don't bother, especially when he already knows it bugs you and is presumably not doing it on purpose.

[Deleted]

I think you can nicely say each time, hey honey I rinsed your hair out of the sink this evening, please take care of it yourself next time. H had to ask me 10 billion times to clear the timer on the microwave before I actually started remembering to do it myself. I had to do the same for him for cleaning the counters when doing dishes. After several months, it eventually sinks in

[Deleted]

That kind of thing would bother me a lot, to be honest. It would take next to no effort on his part to clean up after himself and honestly it should be instinctive by his age. You shouldn't have to clean up after a grown man. 

[ECB]

Aug 13, 2015 6:42:46 GMT -5 @mrsbecky said:

Aug 13, 2015 6:38:10 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

I think if he's not rinsing it himself right away, he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on to say that you should be rinsing it.

H and I each have a few annoying things that bug the other person. Some of it is suck it up and deal, other stuff we talk about and try to make an effort for the other person.

Exactly.  I think he is being annoying by not rinsing it (and kind of gross IMO), and you are being petty by going out of your way to avoid rinsing it.  But I would be ticked that he is going to stand behind you, watch you not rinse it, and then get on your case about being a "team player."  THAT part of the situation would make me never want to rinse the sink out again.

If it was just the hair in the sink not being rinsed, I would say let it go (provided that he does rinse it down in the morning). 

This is 100% where I am.  He's being annoying, you're being petty - but dammit, he does NOT get to criticize you for not cleaning up after him.  No way.

 

[boxerdog]

Yes to both.

I don't nag about the beard clippings, because like PP said, I shed like CRAZY, so if he starts in on me about my hair everywhere, I throw the beard clippings back in his face. Very healthy, I'm sure. Really though, both of us have just given up caring about the hair in the bathroom sitch and just clean it when we can.

[linz]

My husband does the same shit! Even when he rinses he doesn't get it all. I don't yell at him. It isn't worth a fight so I just clean up.

[namasteak]

I quickly rinse the sink out because it wasn't worth the argument anymore.

Does your H shower in the mornings? MH says it's easier to trim his beard before he showers and then shaves after his shower (something about wet hairs get caught in the trimmer). Maybe your h feels the same way and that's why he does 1 at night?

[auntie]

DS does the beard hair thing. It reminds me of the old Tom Lehrer lyric

her hairs in the sink,
have driven me to drink

He's a "kid" so I get to nag him. Probably not a great idea with a partner.

At least I've made progress around the toenail clippings all over the damned place.

DH makes me crazy when he hand washes his coffee pot but doesn't wash a nonstick skillet from breakfast which I prepared is my BEC.

[bowies]

My H also has this beard trimming schedule. He said it's because it's hard to trim wet hair and hard to shave dry skin.

There's beard hair all over our sink right now, actually. Meh.

[mlt]

I would be annoyed but would let this go because it's a minor annoyance that doesn't affect anyone but me. I get annoyed when MH puts off stuff like taking the trash out (his chore) and then the kids can't close the lid, the kitchen turns into a mess, etc. and I have to nag. My mom is always like "play nice, is it worth fighting about?" Um, yes. When his laziness affects the rest of the house and the kids and guests and everyone, it IS worth fighting about. That's where I draw the line.

[Marmee]

My H often does this...well he trims his beard & probably does rinse it down some but certainly doesn't get it all. It used to bug me a bit & I'm sure I mentioned it once but I just let it go. He also takes out his contacts & throws them in the toilet, often missing (on the ground or on the seat). I mentioned it once & then let it go.

The thing is...he does not nag me. I mean I have long hair & I'm sure leave it all over. I am sure there are a million annoying things I do. I appreciate him so much for not making me feel bad because I am very Type-B, miss or don't care about details, etc. There are days I barely do anything but keep the kids alive. He's a good guy & I'm pretty good about remembering that. So we have been happily married 99% of the time for 12yrs even with 4 kids.

[noodleoo]

Aug 13, 2015 5:46:41 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

This is the type of thing you just have to let go. Tell him nicely how much it bothers you when he leaves hair in the sink. Hopefully he will clean up after himself more. When he doesn't, take a breath, remind yourself that it's not that big a deal, and just do it yourself. Otherwise, marriage can become very tit for tat.

Yeah, this is what I would *try* to do. I'm not always successful, but I try much harder than I used to.  I guess I noticed how my H is better able to let go the small stuff for me, so I try to do the same for him, even though it is not always my first instinct with practice, it gets easier though. 

Funny though, my H does the same with his trimmings sometimes. I just rinse them. 

[DarcyLongfellow]

I'm in the "you're both right" camp.

My DH does this with toothpaste. I don't understand how a grown man cannot understand that if you don't rinse out the sink after brushing your teeth, that the sink will get gross.

DH and I have separate sinks, but it still bothers me because I have to look at the grossness, plus it makes me have to clean the bathroom sooner.

But I don't say anything. I might mention it every so often, but I don't nag. My solution has been to use his sink occasionally. So, if I notice his sink needs to be rinsed, I'll use his sink instead of mine to wash my hands, and I'll wash out his sink as I do it.

[Deleted]

Aug 13, 2015 9:05:52 GMT -5 @marshmallows said:

Aug 13, 2015 7:09:21 GMT -5 CheeringCharm said:

That kind of thing would bother me a lot, to be honest. It would take next to no effort on his part to clean up after himself and honestly it should be instinctive by his age. You shouldn't have to clean up after a grown man. 

This is how I feel.  Cleaning up after oneself should be standard and automatic.  But i think we have covered that I fall on the petty side when it comes to these things.  

Well fwiwi don't think it's petty at all. I think it's called acting like an adult, lol.