Article: Birth of first child similiar to death, divorce

[pinotgrig]

With regards to declines in happiness. Wdyt?

www.cnn.com/2015/08/12/health/stressed-parents-second-child-irpt/index.html

I'm on my phone and will try to c&p; hopefully the formatting isn't too wonky.

(CNN)If they're being honest, most mothers will tell you that no matter how badly you want a child, the transition to parenthood is hard. Really hard.

According to a recent study, the drop in happiness experienced by parents after the birth of first child was larger than the experience of unemployment, divorce or the death of a partner.

The ickiness you feel in pregnancy as your body becomes alien to you. The childbirth, and the healing after. The breastfeeding struggles -- oh, the struggles and the tears. The isolation of being home alone all day with a crying infant while your partner is at work.

At least, that's what it was like for me, when my first child was born in 2011.

A new study suggests when people experience early parenthood -- pregnancy, childbirth and the baby days -- as particularly stressful, they are less likely to want to do it again.

The study by the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Rostock, Germany, found "the larger the loss in well-being, the smaller the probability of a second baby." The effect is especially strong for highly-educated parents and those who waited longer to have a second child.

That might sound obvious, but it has policy implications for countries with low birth rates, the authors suggest.

The findings were recently published in the Journal Demography by Mikko Myrskyla, demographer and director at the Planck Institute, and Rachel Margolis from the sociology department at the University of Western Ontario. They looked at well-being data from 2,000 first-time parents starting two years before the birth of their first child until the year after the birth. They found 58% of the participants went on to have a second child over an average of nine years after the first one.

"The investigation deals with a taboo subject. It is rarely discussed that parents often experience a considerable loss of happiness after the birth of a first child," the Institute said in a press release. "The new study shows that for mothers and fathers in Germany, the drop in life satisfaction during the year following the first birth is even larger than that caused by unemployment, divorce or the death of a partner."

That last line is making parents wince. Cheree Pollard Biggs wrote on the CNN Parents Facebook page, "I have suffered through a death of my partner and a divorce and I can tell you that both death and divorce are far more 'unhappy' than the joy I felt after the birth of each child. Yes, I was tired and overwhelmed, but I was happy. Birth is an addition, a renewed sense of hope, a reason to continue. Death and divorce are losses."

But plenty of parents we surveyed agreed that the lows of parenthood can be pretty low -- and it really does take a village to combat them.

Alexa Hart, a mother of a 15-month-old in the Bay Area, told me part of the trauma of new parenthood "rests in our cultural silence" about how challenging it is, financially, emotionally, and on a marriage.

"We accept that divorce and death are traumatic, and condolences are offered when those life events occur. But when you're pregnant/expecting, everyone is 'so happy' for you. We expect some challenges, but we don't discuss the deep frustration, total sleep deprivation and heartbreaking questioning of self that comes with new life," she said.

The authors said they were not looking at what makes parents happy or unhappy -- they were specifically looking at why, although most German couples say they would like to have two children, they end up stopping after one.

"On the whole," Myrskyla said, "despite the unhappiness after the first birth of a baby, having up to two children rather increases overall happiness in life."

In my case, it took a good two years before I could even consider going through pregnancy, childbirth and the baby days again. The second time around, I sought out help from lots of different people, and was determined to change the most unpleasant parts of the experience in whatever ways I could.

Robert Hughes Jr., professor of family studies at University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, ‏said if countries want more highly educated parents to have a second child, they must "really think about how you support these families." The U.S. has the same pattern of older and well-educated parents not replacing themselves, he said.

"I think people are making really rational choices," he said. "We're going to have to reduce the burden of balancing work and family life, and most of that is probably going to be on the side of altering work schedules and providing new parents in particular with extra supports during that transitional period."

[Deleted]

Germans.

I had two kids. It obviously wasn't so traumatic I was unwilling to do it twice.

[anna7602]

I think a lot of it depends on your support network. I had virtually none for my first kid, who on top of that, ended up being colicky. It was incredibly stressful and very, very hard on my marriage. Not a single person in my life at the time took me aside to tell me to put my feet up or take some time for me or offered to do anything to make things easier (unless I was paying them). In that sense, I do agree that if I'd gone through a divorce or death, many more people would have reached out with concern and support, but I'm not sure what to make of the general comparison between the experiences of divorce/death and birth of a first child.

You can bet your ass I waited a good, long time to have another kid. And by the time I was emotionally ready for a second, I had also happily established a much better support system.

[gibbinator]

I kind of stopped reading when the birth of a child was considered more traumatic than the death of a partner... So I made it like 4 sentences.

[Marmee]

Like I said on the thread in ML, it is decline in happiness. Not overall happiness. I'm pretty certain most people who are getting divorced aren't happy to begin with so in a way it can be a bit of relief. Also unless it was sudden, knowing you have a sick/terminal spouse is extremely hard/sad/taxing already. If you are in a job you loose, there is a chance you already know it sucks or you sucked at it &/or you saw it coming...so yeah. Plus if Germany/or personally you have a good safety net (unemployment) it might not be all that horrible in the short run. But most people having (planned) children are likely in a good/happy/comfortable place at the time. So yeah, having a first child is huge & hard in terms of change. Plus it measures only the first 2 yrs

[anna7602]

Aren't there already studies, BTW, that show that happy and sad big life changes have a similar impact on your emotional health? Moving, marriage, changing jobs, death of a loved one- all are assigned similar values in terms of the emotional fall-out, regardless of whether you wanted to move or change jobs, etc.

I'll have to poke around for this info when I'm not in deadline mode!

[undecidedowl]

I would rather go through DS1's first year again than lose DH.

[Deleted]

This seems kind of subjective. I mean, there are lots of studies that have proven people with children are less happy than without but we are all still here so that must mean something.

The first year of DS's life was absolutely hell. Granted it got easier at the end but sleep deprivation and everything else played into it. I'm sure not everyone's experiences are this way but I still think it is both the worst and best thing that ever happened to me. Luckily I feel the best much stronger now but the first 6 months, no question. Awful. I would still rather go through it again (and again and again) than face the death of DH though. Divorce or job loss is questionable

[boxerdog]

Aug 13, 2015 9:39:57 GMT -5 gibbinator said:

I kind of stopped reading when the birth of a child was considered more traumatic than the death of a partner... So I made it like 4 sentences.

This. I would rather have 5 kids than lose H.

Dumb.

[Marmee]

Aug 13, 2015 9:54:39 GMT -5 @republicrat said:

This seems kind of subjective. I mean, there are lots of studies that have proven people with children are less happy than without but we are all still here so that must mean something.

The first year of DS's life was absolutely hell. Granted it got easier at the end but sleep deprivation and everything else played into it. I'm sure not everyone's experiences are this way but I still think it is both the worst and best thing that ever happened to me. Luckily I feel the best much stronger now but the first 6 months, no question. Awful. I would still rather go through it again (and again and again) than face the death of DH though. Divorce or job loss is questionable

Well, I think most people who childless BY CHOICE probably ARE happier.  What percent are childless not by choice?  Probably not too many anymore given the medical advancements & adoption/sperm donation/surrogacy.  I know 2 people who were childless not by choice because their spouse did not want to pursue it & they are both very, very unhappy.  But aren't like 50% of pregnancies are unplanned which make a lot of people parents who aren't really "ready".  I think inherently that causes challenges to your "happiness" whether that be financially, relationship wise, etc.   

[Deleted]

I also wouldn't claim I had babies to make me happy. The first few years are HARD, and we knew that going in. We had reasonably good supports, and there were ups and downs and crazy sleep deprivation.

Long term, big picture, I wanted kids so I had them. But I didn't have them because I thought caring for a newborn would make me happy.

[Marmee]

Aug 13, 2015 10:18:15 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

I also wouldn't claim I had babies to make me happy. The first few years are HARD, and we knew that going in. We had reasonably good supports, and there were ups and downs and crazy sleep deprivation.

Long term, big picture, I wanted kids so I had them. But I didn't have them because I thought caring for a newborn would make me happy.

I wanted lots of kids not babies.  I hated pregnancy & babyhood is not my favorite thing.  I have kids for the years 4+ until I die...not the first 4 years.  Honestly despite them getting to be tweens, I'm having so much fun with my older girls.  DH & I are like "THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!"  ha ha

[Deleted]

Right after dd1 was born was one of the three lowest points of my life. Thanks PPD.

I believe it.

ETA I did not read the article, commenting on the title.

[krystee]

We are at our happiest since the really fun years during and right after college...but if he didn't sleep, that would be a totally different story. I would never compare it to a death or divorce, though.

[barefootcontessa]

In my mind, there is a difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is often dictated by circumstances, while joy is more of an outlook on life in general. It is hard to be happy when you are sleep-deprieved and have an infant screaming at you all day, but that does not mean you cannot feel joy. I say this as a SAHM to an infant who screamed for his first six months of life.

[pinotgrig]

Aug 13, 2015 10:42:09 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

In my mind, there is a difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is often dictated by circumstances, while joy is more of an outlook on life in general. It is hard to be happy when you are sleep-deprieved and have an infant screaming at you all day, but that does not mean you cannot feel joy. I say this as a SAHM to an infant who screamed for his first six months of life.

This is a really great point.

I thought the article was a tad... Dramatic, but it is hard. I was unprepared and felt very alone.

[Queen Mamadala]

Nah. Not in my experience. I've had five, though lost my first son. I still want another one.

[itsme]

"It is rarely discussed that parents often experience a considerable loss of happiness after the birth of a first child."

True and add second child (for me, 1st for DH) as well.

[rondonalddo]

I don't take any umbrage at this. Motherhood has been harder for me than I ever expected, even now that DD is 4 and colic hell is long over. She's awesome and hilarious and there are these profound moments...but she still always needs something, is always touching me, is always talking to me. It might just be my personality clashing with early childhood development, but it's rough. I'm also not in a great headspace right now, so I'm sure that's contributing.