For years, a group of my friends has done this event annually. H and I have not always participated, but it's been like a thing for our circle. The ringleaders of the annual event are no longer doing it, and the group has fragmented. A few of us decided we'd like to do it again, and they agreed that I could invite some fresh blood, as it's best with a big group.
I rounded up three more people. Today, one of those people proposed inviting a member of her family along in a way that suggested she already conveyed this idea to him. The person she proposed inviting is awful. I really dislike him. H hates him. I think everyone else will hate him. He's just a douche all the time, but engaging in this particular kind of activity is where his truly annoying, douchey qualities really shine.
My friend adores this person and does not see his douchey qualities. Because she and this family member are super close, and admittedly, he's gone above and beyond in helping her with some stuff, I can't say, "um, no, douche has to stay home because he's a douche."
It's hard to say, not knowing the details, but I would probably say that other original members were inviting others and you want to make sure that the group doesn't get TOO big before expanding the circle further.
I'd say that if it were only a day event, as opposed to a whole weekend, I'd let him come along. He'll probably annoy enough people that she'll get the hint to not bring him back.
How long is said event? Is this a one day thing or a weekend thing?
It's a two day festival with an overnight. Some people would only participate on the Saturday. We, including friend before douchebag was invited, had planned on participating on the Sunday as well.
I say let him come and lose yourself amidst the other people,since it's a full house.
More background: The event is a food and wine festival. He is a dick and know it all about food and wine. He's also a control freak. So what I envision happening is him trying to control the itinerary for the day, sulking that we did not go along with his suggestions, and then making snide comments about things not being up to his high standards. The event is really about day drinking, not sommelier training, but he will treat it like the latter.
The first time I met him, he cut me off while I was telling him about a restaurant recommendation because he was bored. He then spent a half hour talking about how he was trying to buy a barrel of scotch from Scotland.
He used to work in the food industry and admittedly had a very impressive job. That he brings up everywhere at any chance he gets, like on party invitations.
I say let him come and lose yourself amidst the other people,since it's a full house.
More background: The event is a food and wine festival. He is a dick and know it all about food and wine. He's also a control freak. So what I envision happening is him trying to control the itinerary for the day, sulking that we did not go along with his suggestions, and then making snide comments about things not being up to his high standards. The event is really about day drinking, not sommelier training, but he will treat it like the latter.
The first time I met him, he cut me off while I was telling him about a restaurant recommendation because he was bored. He then spent a half hour talking about how he was trying to buy a barrel of scotch from Scotland.
He used to work in the food industry and admittedly had a very impressive job. That he brings up everywhere at any chance he gets, like on party invitations.
I'm no good at diplomatic stuff. Maybe tell friend his blood is on her hands. Or Could you brightly say that maybe it won't be any fun for him if he doesn't know anyone?
More background: The event is a food and wine festival. He is a dick and know it all about food and wine. He's also a control freak. So what I envision happening is him trying to control the itinerary for the day, sulking that we did not go along with his suggestions, and then making snide comments about things not being up to his high standards. The event is really about day drinking, not sommelier training, but he will treat it like the latter.
The first time I met him, he cut me off while I was telling him about a restaurant recommendation because he was bored. He then spent a half hour talking about how he was trying to buy a barrel of scotch from Scotland.
He used to work in the food industry and admittedly had a very impressive job. That he brings up everywhere at any chance he gets, like on party invitations.
I'm no good at diplomatic stuff. Maybe tell friend his blood is on her hands. Or Could you brightly say that maybe it won't be any fun for him if he doesn't know anyone?
She doesn't either.
H is threatening to boycott. Not helping!
Since the message came in through Facebook, she can see that I've viewed it. Right now I'm just hoping that through my silence she will take a hint. Otherwise tomorrow morning, I think I will try bears suggestion so I can kick the can down the road. That's a good one!
I say let him come and lose yourself amidst the other people,since it's a full house.
More background: The event is a food and wine festival. He is a dick and know it all about food and wine. He's also a control freak. So what I envision happening is him trying to control the itinerary for the day, sulking that we did not go along with his suggestions, and then making snide comments about things not being up to his high standards. The event is really about day drinking, not sommelier training, but he will treat it like the latter.
The first time I met him, he cut me off while I was telling him about a restaurant recommendation because he was bored. He then spent a half hour talking about how he was trying to buy a barrel of scotch from Scotland.
He used to work in the food industry and admittedly had a very impressive job. That he brings up everywhere at any chance he gets, like on party invitations.
Noooooo. I can't stand people like this. I like bears suggestion. If that fails, I say the rest of you make a pact to politely cold shoulder him at the event and let the person who invited him put up with his awful commentary.
Would it be possible to out-douche him? Over the top douche reactions to him? I find that usually catches them off guard, and they back off a little because it's boring being one douche among many.
Could you tell your friend that you are worried that Snootypants won't have a very good time because he is a professional and the food/wine is supposed to be good but not good-good?
Could you tell your friend that you are worried that Snootypants won't have a very good time because he is a professional and the food/wine is supposed to be good but not good-good?
It's hard. I used to be really nice and accommodating about this kind of thing but have much less patience for it now. A friend of H's married a guy no one likes and I see the strain it puts on every event. Can you tell her straight up what you experienced with him and what your concerns are and ask how she could/would intervene beforehand and/or as the situation arises?
Honestly I think you guys shouldn't let him come if many don't want him there. Just because she invited out of turn doesn't mean he comes. That was her doing.
I would tell whoever it is that you don't want to have Douchebag along, and please don't invite him.
Me too. In my head. I think the closest to honesty I would get is just telling friend that her friend tends to rub people the wrong way, or that he doesn't really seem to get along with those in the group that have already met him.
I mean, do you all have to do the whole weekend as a group? Can you guys split off from super douche and sit away from him at dinner? I hope he doesn't end up going, but I think it's wise to plan how you'll deal just incase.
LOL that he brings up his past job on party invitations.
I'm assuming it's an event that requires travel and isn't local? I'm just thinking that even if you tell her, in way one or another, that he isn't invited, if she kind of already invited him, he could just show up anyway and tag along with you guys while there, at least if it's local. I guess if you have to travel for it, the chances of that diminish.
I'd probably either try the line of him probably not enjoying it much anyway OR that the group has already gotten pretty big, so you don't really want to keep inviting people and see what she says.
IF he ends up going, that's where my advice falls: He suggests an itinerary? You say, with a smile, "that's sounds great. I think you and friend will have fun doing that. We'll all be doing X. We can meet up later!".
Or he sulks? Or starts talking his talk? I'd walk away. And I'd warn everyone else about him and tell them that they are free to ignore this guy too.
He's an ass. You don't have to be polite to him.
Does your friend, though, have ANY idea how you feel about him? Why does she think he's so awesome?
I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to suck up hanging out with people I don't like at events I have planned. So I vote telling her sorry but the event is at capacity.
Could you tell your friend that you are worried that Snootypants won't have a very good time because he is a professional and the food/wine is supposed to be good but not good-good?
I'd even follow this up with "This is a laid back event. The people going are going to enjoy it for what it is. DoucheBag always seems to prefer more formal, fancier events and he makes that known. I'm concerned that he won't enjoy this AND I really don't want his lack of enjoyment to affect everyone else.".
To some degree, I do feel like you need to call him out for what he is - even if you don't want to out and out tell your friend "we all think he's a douche".
I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to suck up hanging out with people I don't like at events I have planned. So I vote telling her sorry but the event is at capacity.
This. It sounds like he'll ruin the weekend, which may make it less likely that people will go next year. Not worth it. I bet this is also a pricey event, so even more reason I'd not be okay with a condescending jerk coming. Just tell her the truth, as nicely as possible. Better she knows now than continuing to invite this guy and you have to deal with it again in the future.
I'm going to fine tune what I said before. She asked if he can come? You say:
"Friend, it's probably best that he not come. This event is laid back and really isn't going to be at the level that he often seems to expect. Having been to similar events with him, I don't think he'll enjoy this and, quite honestly, his dislike of it will affect others."
She'll stutter and fall over herself to say "oh, no, he'll love it! I'm sure". You stand strong "Friend, as I said, previous experience with him has proven the opposite to me. this is a group event and I have to think about the other people who are going too.".
Clearly you can't stop them from coming but you can draw a line that you won't include him in your specific group and with the overnight aspect of the trip. I get it that you don't want to out and out call him a douche but you can absolutely speak to your personal experiences with him. She can remain blind to it - but that doesn't mean it needs to become your problem.
We've had a similar douche in our circle and 2 of us needed up having a CTJ talk with the friend who invites the douche. Friend understood and stopped inviting the other person so frequently. I also think they had a talk because when that person comes to events, she's far more toned down. I think you have to be honest about how he affects your experience. Hopefully tour friend understanfs. She can't be completely oblivious of his asshatery, right?
Thanks for all the advice! I said that I was still trying to work out issues with the others in the group in terms of who is coming and lodging arrangements. In addition, I let her know that her family member's taste might conflict with others, and I would hate for him to be unhappy. I emphasized that organizing this is like herding cats. I suggested that if he wanted to come, I can point them in the right direction to plan their own thing, and we can probably work something out where we meet up at some point, like for dinner.
She said she didn't know if he was going to be able to come but would talk to him and let me know. I think she took it well though.