Nfbr- Funeral- Do you give a check?

[cransplash]

I have been fortunate enough not to attend many funerals, so I do not know proper etiquette/protocol. A good friend of ours's MIL passed away over the weekend. (We are now good friends with her husband as well.)

We have only met the MIL once (at their wedding). We will be attending the wake. We will be bringing a card. Should we also include a check? If so, what is 'normal'?

[fashionx]

Do you know if there is a memorial fund set up for her? If so, then I would think about contibuting, as usually that's the case if someone didn't have money already set aside for this (either through their own savings/estate, or through an insurance policy). If there's no mention of a memorial fund, I wouldn't give any money. I'm not sure if that's standard/normal or not, but in my experience we haven't done it, or seen it done by our parents or anyone either. But that could just be "our circle" and not everyone.

[Alwaysabridesmaidf]

I have never heard of someone giving a check or money at a funeral. A card is sufficient if you don't really know the famiy and if you do you can send flowers, a plant, a small gift for a memorial or make a meal for them.

[tarheels]

No, never. Not ever. Maybe in some foreign culture I'm not familiar with, but in my circle at least, I cannot imagine a bigger faux pas than giving a bereaved money.

The grieving family may say that they'd like money given to a charity in lieu of flowers (especially if the deceased died from a disease with a corresponding national charity, like the Alzheimer's Foundation).

[photon]

i have sent flowers before, but honestly, i really like the idea of making a meal. everyday tasks become tedious and tiresome when you are grieving. i think they would really appreciate that.

[pooh8402]

Aug 20, 2012 18:03:11 GMT -5 tarheels said:

No, never. Not ever. Maybe in some foreign culture I'm not familiar with, but in my circle at least, I cannot imagine a bigger faux pas than giving a bereaved money.

The grieving family may say that they'd like money given to a charity in lieu of flowers (especially if the deceased died from a disease with a corresponding national charity, like the Alzheimer's Foundation).

all of this.

my best friend's husband (who I was also very good friends with since 6th grade) died a couple years back from brain cancer. I didn't give money--my best friend would have seen it as charity. instead, I help her with her little boy and give money to brain cancer research instead.

since this is a friend of the family, I would simply go and give my condolences to the surviving family, and be done with it. even a card is unnecessary (I consider that simply trash to be thrown away... sorry if that offends anyone. I don't keep cards so I rarely give them).

[ralphlauren]

Huh? Giving a check at a funeral? That is the strangest thing I have heard. Maybe a donation to a charity in their name but never a check

[FormerCityGirl]

It's actually very common in the Catholic Church to give money to the family. We usually give them a check for a fund that they set up at the wake or write it out to the surviving family member with something along the lines of "according to wishes of the family."

My Grandmother didn't specify a charity when my Grandfather passed away and got a large enough donation in his name to their Church that they say a Mass on his birthday yearly in his memory. The extended family usually comes in from out of town for Mass and brunch. My other Grandfather's checks started a scholarship fund in his memory at his Church's school. They put a plaque in the vestibule honoring his service to the Church while he alive and his scholarship fund that his donations funded. Usually, the obituary will specify a fund that donations can be made in the deceased's name.

If you aren't sure about what to do, you can ask the people from the funeral home at the wake. They can direct you on what to do. Leave the card unsealed, but there may even be envelopes at the wake for contributions in memory to different funds.

[bethaboo]

When my grandma died, we received money from very close, very old family friends. The same thing happened when her twin sister and twin sister's husband died as well. It was unexpected and appreciated, but certainly not necessary. I think a meal or flowers or even just a card is good enough.

[sierramist03]

I've sent flowers and donated to a memorial fund is all. I've also helped with meals after the service with our church and took meals to the family before.

[315bride]

As a rule, I don't give money to a family for their passed loved one. In some cases, however, there have been funds set up (if there were kids and they wanted to start a college fund) and in that case I would make a donation.

In cases of close friends or family, I usually ask if they need anything (including money). Sometimes funds can be tangled up in bureaucracy or until a death certificate has been issued.

[tarheels]

Aug 20, 2012 18:49:59 GMT -5 FormerCityGirl said:

My Grandmother didn't specify a charity when my Grandfather passed away and got a large enough donation in his name to their Church that they say a Mass on his birthday yearly in his memory.

Could you elaborate on this? I'm genuinely curious. Catholics are a very rare breed both here and where I grew up, so I know very little about the religion. What you've written reads as very peculiar to me. I know in the Middle Ages, it was common to "buy" better treatment for your relatives in heaven. That's not what you're talking about, right? Genuinely not trying to offend, just trying to understand.

[FormerCityGirl]

Aug 20, 2012 19:22:52 GMT -5 tarheels said:

Aug 20, 2012 18:49:59 GMT -5 FormerCityGirl said:

My Grandmother didn't specify a charity when my Grandfather passed away and got a large enough donation in his name to their Church that they say a Mass on his birthday yearly in his memory.

Could you elaborate on this? I'm genuinely curious. Catholics are a very rare breed both here and where I grew up, so I know very little about the religion. What you've written reads as very peculiar to me. I know in the Middle Ages, it was common to "buy" better treatment for your relatives in heaven. That's not what you're talking about, right? Genuinely not trying to offend, just trying to understand.

Regular Mass can be said in memory if someone gifts the Church money in that person's memory. They basically mention the person's name during the Prayer of the Faithful and that the Mass is dedicated to them. The Church mentions the deceased and is able to use the money for whatever they want. The Church runs on danations and donations like this help daily operations.

[cransplash]

The reason why I asked about money is b/c when my father passed away, I remember we received (quite a few) checks, but this could be a cultural thing. I will go ahead and ask our friends what we can do to help.

[sunshine608]

We do for close family and friends. Its the norm in our circle. It does seem to be cultural thing rather than a religious thing though. It's very common especially if there are children or other dependents, or the family struggled to pay for the burial.

[ILikeSloths]

Aug 20, 2012 18:49:59 GMT -5 FormerCityGirl said:

It's actually very common in the Catholic Church to give money to the family. We usually give them a check for a fund that they set up at the wake or write it out to the surviving family member with something along the lines of "according to wishes of the family."

Maybe this is a regional thing because I've never heard of this. I grew up Catholic, have gone to many Catholic funerals, and have lost immediate family members as well and never received monetary gifts. People gave cards, flowers, decorative items (such as wreaths), and religious gifts (crosses, angels, etc.). I'm not saying you're wrong... I was just surprised and have never heard of this in my area. Interesting. I have, however, heard of dedicating a Mass in honor of the deceased but didn't know how people went about doing it.

Cransplash, I usually give a card with a heartfelt note or send flowers if I'm close to the person and unable to attend the funeral.

[FormerCityGirl]

Aug 20, 2012 19:46:56 GMT -5 ILikeSloths said:

Aug 20, 2012 18:49:59 GMT -5 FormerCityGirl said:

It's actually very common in the Catholic Church to give money to the family. We usually give them a check for a fund that they set up at the wake or write it out to the surviving family member with something along the lines of "according to wishes of the family."

Maybe this is a regional thing because I've never heard of this. I grew up Catholic, have gone to many Catholic funerals, and have lost immediate family members as well and never received monetary gifts. People gave cards, flowers, decorative items (such as wreaths), and religious gifts (crosses, angels, etc.). I'm not saying you're wrong... I was just surprised and have never heard of this in my area. Interesting. I have, however, heard of dedicating a Mass in honor of the deceased but didn't know how people went about doing it.

Cransplash, I usually give a card with a heartfelt note or send flowers if I'm close to the person and unable to attend the funeral.

The monetary gifts typically go to the widow or widower of the deceased or the person in charge of the estate through the funeral home after everything there is done. Typically someone picks up that, the guest book, any personal items that the family had on display, and flowers at the same time. Most of the family never sees this unless they are one of those people or the person who collects these items. The funeral parlors all have discreet locked boxes for the collection in all of the places we've been. They're typically very out of the way and discreet.

[ILikeSloths]

Aug 20, 2012 20:03:01 GMT -5 FormerCityGirl said:

Aug 20, 2012 19:46:56 GMT -5 ILikeSloths said:

Maybe this is a regional thing because I've never heard of this. I grew up Catholic, have gone to many Catholic funerals, and have lost immediate family members as well and never received monetary gifts. People gave cards, flowers, decorative items (such as wreaths), and religious gifts (crosses, angels, etc.). I'm not saying you're wrong... I was just surprised and have never heard of this in my area. Interesting. I have, however, heard of dedicating a Mass in honor of the deceased but didn't know how people went about doing it.

Cransplash, I usually give a card with a heartfelt note or send flowers if I'm close to the person and unable to attend the funeral.

The monetary gifts typically go to the widow or widower of the deceased or the person in charge of the estate through the funeral home after everything there is done. Typically someone picks up that, the guest book, any personal items that the family had on display, and flowers at the same time. Most of the family never sees this unless they are one of those people or the person who collects these items. The funeral parlors all have discreet locked boxes for the collection in all of the places we've been. They're typically very out of the way and discreet.

I see. It seems like something my dad or grandmother would've mentioned when my mom and grandfather passed away since my siblings and I helped load everything from the funeral home or the topic would've come up at some point with Catholic friends attending other funerals, but I'm not positive. I'd just never heard of this in my circle. Thanks for explaining it. Good to know.

[FormerCityGirl]

Aug 20, 2012 20:06:51 GMT -5 ILikeSloths said:

Aug 20, 2012 20:03:01 GMT -5 FormerCityGirl said:

The monetary gifts typically go to the widow or widower of the deceased or the person in charge of the estate through the funeral home after everything there is done. Typically someone picks up that, the guest book, any personal items that the family had on display, and flowers at the same time. Most of the family never sees this unless they are one of those people or the person who collects these items. The funeral parlors all have discreet locked boxes for the collection in all of the places we've been. They're typically very out of the way and discreet.

I see. It seems like something my dad or grandmother would've mentioned when my mom and grandfather passed away, but I'm not positive. I'd just never heard of this in my circle. Thanks for explaining it. Good to know.

No problem. It's not something people talk too much about. I've had to help make arrangements more than once and that's how I know am familiar.

[tarheels]

Aug 20, 2012 19:34:55 GMT -5 FormerCityGirl said:

Aug 20, 2012 19:22:52 GMT -5 tarheels said:

Could you elaborate on this? I'm genuinely curious. Catholics are a very rare breed both here and where I grew up, so I know very little about the religion. What you've written reads as very peculiar to me. I know in the Middle Ages, it was common to "buy" better treatment for your relatives in heaven. That's not what you're talking about, right? Genuinely not trying to offend, just trying to understand.

Regular Mass can be said in memory if someone gifts the Church money in that person's memory. They basically mention the person's name during the Prayer of the Faithful and that the Mass is dedicated to them. The Church mentions the deceased and is able to use the money for whatever they want. The Church runs on danations and donations like this help daily operations.

Thank you for your explanation.

Do you have to pay for the priest to say prayers for you for normal everyday situations?

[ewinn]

When my father passed away my
Mom received money. I'm Vietnamese. And it is customary to give the widow money. It's usually done at the wake.

[FormerCityGirl]

Aug 20, 2012 20:24:00 GMT -5 tarheels said:

Aug 20, 2012 19:34:55 GMT -5 FormerCityGirl said:

Regular Mass can be said in memory if someone gifts the Church money in that person's memory. They basically mention the person's name during the Prayer of the Faithful and that the Mass is dedicated to them. The Church mentions the deceased and is able to use the money for whatever they want. The Church runs on danations and donations like this help daily operations.

Thank you for your explanation.

Do you have to pay for the priest to say prayers for you for normal everyday situations?

No, it's really something the Church offers to do when they get gifted a donation in someone's memory. It's more of a thank you than paying them to say prayers. It's actually only one line in Mass. They bless the sick, take Communion to the sick or those unable to attend Mass, and pray for anyone who asks without compensation, but that's in their job descriptions. This is offered as a thank you to the family and my Grandmother accepted it this way as a way to remember him. She used it as a way to get the family together since we are spread out all over the country. She had 10 children (plus spouses), 35 grandchildren, and 22 great grandchildren it made getting everyone in one place hard.