Dealing with preference for one parent

[niq]

I know this is a phase, but any tips for getting through it? These days it starts with "mommy" when I go to pick him up, ends with "no daddy, mommy read it", and there's lots of wailing any time I do things, if mommy is busy cooking dinner, etc.

Is there a Daniel Tiger episode on " I can have fun on my own when mommy is busy" and/or "anything mom can do, dad can do just as well (with a few important exceptions)"?

[Deleted]

Dd has been a mama's girl her whole life. In the last few months she's letting DH do more, but I'm still the preferred parent.

I know it's tough, but it's also super tough on your wife. Has he always had the preference? Or is it more recent?

[lilac05]

Mine have both gone through phases. It switches between the two of us. Usually, it just fades over time.

DS2 is in a huge Mommy phase right now. I'm ready for it to be over. I hate saying that, but a) I need space, and b) I know it's hard for my H, too. I do make sure to totally step out of the picture and let my H deal with things sometimes. If DS2 hasn't seen me recently, then he'll let my H help him.

[niq]

Aug 23, 2015 9:35:25 GMT -5 @roseyposey said:

Dd has been a mama's girl her whole life. In the last few months she's letting DH do more, but I'm still the preferred parent.

I know it's tough, but it's also super tough on your wife. Has he always had the preference? Or is it more recent?

It's new as of last week. And yeah, it's tough on everybody. I feel bad that I can't give her a break.

If I take him on my own and get past any meltdown, it's fine. It's just when we're all together that I'm chopped liver.

[dcn]

Ds prefers me most of the time, I do a lot of "mama is doing xyz right now. When I'm done I will read/play/pick you up/help you. Daddy can help if you want or you can wait for me." That usually works now at almost 3. Sometimes he whined and cried but we just tried to ignore or DH would take him out of the room.

When it was really bad DH took over cooking and I would go spend a few min with him, or I tried to get him involved in whatever I was doing.

[lolo]

Aug 23, 2015 9:50:53 GMT -5 niq said:

Aug 23, 2015 9:35:25 GMT -5 @roseyposey said:

Dd has been a mama's girl her whole life. In the last few months she's letting DH do more, but I'm still the preferred parent.

I know it's tough, but it's also super tough on your wife. Has he always had the preference? Or is it more recent?

It's new as of last week. And yeah, it's tough on everybody. I feel bad that I can't give her a break.

If I take him on my own and get past any meltdown, it's fine. It's just when we're all together that I'm chopped liver.

You can give her a break. Your son might not prefer it, and he is allowed to feel that way, but he does not control your wife's time.

Validate his feelings. 'You wanted mommy to read with you, but she is busy right now. That makes you upset.'

Offer a choice: 'Would you like to read with daddy now or do you want to go ahead and get your pjs on?'

If he remains upset, 'You still seem upset. Is there something I can do to help?/would you like a cuddle?/please let me know if I can help.'

Your wife should not step in once you have decided you are doing task x with V.

[winecheery]

Just offering sympathies, niq. DD went through a SUPER mama phase recently, (still chooses me first most times) but it was crushing my poor DH's spirit big time. And wearing on me. We tried not to overindulge it, so she could see papa was just as fun as mama but in different ways, and then of course other times, I'd give her extra love or cuddles or attention. In general, we kept the routines we have the same, even when she was hysterical during bath time (H's thing), for example.

It is done with, for now. In fact yesterday, she preferred papa, because mama wasn't letting her climb all over her, and papa was. 

[auntie]

This was really hard on DH who adores his DS. What worked for me was leaving the house initially to force DS to let DH do the bath, books and bedtime routine. As he got older, it helped to let DH be the one to do the activities DS loved the most. I'd say DS loves us equally, but he still comes to me when he's concerned about something: DS thinks DH is too anxious and wordy at times.

[NandaB]

Aug 23, 2015 9:50:53 GMT -5 niq said:

Aug 23, 2015 9:35:25 GMT -5 @roseyposey said:

Dd has been a mama's girl her whole life. In the last few months she's letting DH do more, but I'm still the preferred parent.

I know it's tough, but it's also super tough on your wife. Has he always had the preference? Or is it more recent?

It's new as of last week. And yeah, it's tough on everybody. I feel bad that I can't give her a break.

If I take him on my own and get past any meltdown, it's fine. It's just when we're all together that I'm chopped liver.

Totally normal. I would try to take him/kick your wife out as much as possible so you can do special stuff and she can have a break, but also, maybe she can "save" some special things for just you to do. My H plays with his slot car race track with the kiddos. If they ask me I just remind them that's something special for them to do with daddy. I mean, I could, but this way they have something special to look forward to, and I have a chance to make dinner (or hide in the kitchen and gbcn)

[justjen]

DD has a strong strong strong daddy preference. I would just walk in the door after work and the first thing I would hear is "No! I don't want Mommy!"

It sucks, man. A lot. It's gotten a Little bit better lately in that she's not blatantly mean to me as much.

Just commiseration

[rbp]

I can't wait until M gets to his daddy phase. Lol

[bananapancakes]

Aug 23, 2015 10:58:51 GMT -5 rbp said:

I can't wait until M gets to his daddy phase. Lol

Preach!

[dcn]

Ds had a day where he wanted nothing to do with me and I was like "DH is this what your life is like?? You just walk out of the room and do what you want? Like, all the time?" It was amazing lol.

I know it would be hard for an extended period of time but it was a great day.

[jeaniebueller]

Enjoy it? Lol. My kids never had a daddy phase only a mommy phase.

[heygrey]

we are learning that the more time R spends with me, the stronger the preference. he and h had a lot more one on one time with the way my old job was structured, but since i'm back to being a sahm for the month of august, R has gotten almost mean to h. so yesterday i left them for 7 hours and R was much more reasonable last night and this morning, not to mention they had a fantastic day together.

i'm interested to see how things will shake out when R starts full time daycare in two weeks. he'll have about equal time with us, and i'm hoping to keep the weekend getaways pretty equal so he doesn't get used to monopolizing my time again.

[gibbinator]

Ds1 has always been mamma's boy. In order for dh to get love he has to be SUPER FUN! he makes up songs and actions to go with books, they rough house on the bed, he chases him around in a crazy game of hide and seek. Ds1 will always choose me for mundane things like helping him pee or getting dressed but as long as dh takes time to engage ds1 in play I don't mind because I can sit down.

[bananapancakes]

I've been the preferred parent pretty much 100% of the time since birth. It is so tough and so draining but it was good for me to read this post and realize that the flip side is tough too.

The only thing that really works for us is to remove me from the situation all together. If I need a break, I need to leave the house. If I want a break in the house, H has to take L out of the house. Last week H took L away overnight to the inlaws house and it was glorious! They are going to try and do that once a month or so.

[niq]

I think I set the wrong tone in this thread. My feefees are not hurt. I do not feel rejected by my child. He is very happy to see me at daycare pickup. We have a lot of fun times together. But I appreciate the empathy and/or sympathy

I feel bad that it's hard to give msniq break when she wants one without going somewhere else. She just wants to be able to cook dinner in peace, and maybe not be on the hook for 100% of bedtime reading. We are trying different things here and there -- I'm not above the electronic babysitter; tonight I just picked him up on the late side of the end of the day, so that msniq had time to herself to cook; if he insists that mommy read a book, sometimes we ask him if we can all read it together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

[turtletop90]

Ugh, we've ALWAYS dealt with this problem, it seems like.

We've been trying to make it seem like an extra sweet deal to let Daddy do stuff. Like "Dad will read you TWO books before bed! Mom's tired so she won't read you any books. Which one would you like?" LOL. She whines at first, but if we put our foot down she picks Dad. Each time there's less and less whining.

[dulcemariamar]

We didn't really entertain her preference unless it was right before bedtime. We always try to put her in the crib happy so I am usually the one to tuck her in.

[dulcemariamar]

And I don't see why you cant give your wife some breaks. It is okay to say no sometimes and just deal with the meltdown.

[greycat]

DS is still very mommy-centric. One thing that seems to help is time alone with MH. They will run errands or go on an adventure together. DS usually has a daddy preference for a bit afterwards. We also started alternating bedtime which has helped.

[oswin]

DD seems to switch frequently, and it's often just the parent who isn't there. If DH is outside cleaning the pool, all she wants is to go out and see him. But if DH is reading her bedtime stories, it's often "no you" (not you). We mostly ignore.

[thebreakfastclub]

Unlike most of these responses, DS has had preferences for his father from time to time. I wonder if us doing bottles only put us more at 50/50, since I wasn't the sole food source?

Anyway...we alternate bedtime, mostly because neither one of us wants to do bedtime every night. If DS asks for his dad, I say that he's taking his bath so he can go to bed. He might whine for a minute, but he wants to hear his book, so we get on with things.

One of us might take DS outside for a walk if the other needs to do something. Divide and conquer is the big benefit of just one kid!

[holly116]

Aug 26, 2015 23:05:55 GMT -5 niq said:

I think I set the wrong tone in this thread. My feefees are not hurt. I do not feel rejected by my child. He is very happy to see me at daycare pickup. We have a lot of fun times together. But I appreciate the empathy and/or sympathy

I feel bad that it's hard to give msniq break when she wants one without going somewhere else. She just wants to be able to cook dinner in peace, and maybe not be on the hook for 100% of bedtime reading. We are trying different things here and there -- I'm not above the electronic babysitter; tonight I just picked him up on the late side of the end of the day, so that msniq had time to herself to cook; if he insists that mommy read a book, sometimes we ask him if we can all read it together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

How about just taking him outside? Go for a short walk? When I'm trying to get dinner started, I undoubtedly will have someone trying to step on my feet etc if they're even in the house.

[wilbs]

We have been dealing with this for the last few weeks as DS strongly prefers DH to me right now. I've been trying to not take it personally, but I admit it's really tough hearing "No Mommy" when I walk through the door after working all day.

When I'm alone with DS it doesn't seem to be an issue, but when the three of us are there he wants very little to do with me. We decided last night that for the next couple weeks I will spend a half hour with DS alone every night whether it be a walk, bedtime, etc and hopefully that will help.

[leonard131]

M went through a mommy phase at that age but the good news is now he is in daddy phase. I will admit it hurts my feelings some when I hear him say "no Mommy, I want to snuggle with Daddy" before bed when I have been the one doing it with him for almost 3 years. I think this phase may be more because I seem to be a little more hard line about discipline while H tries to appease more so as to avoid the fits.

[simpsongal]

We're going through this now. DH has had some success reading to himself and attracting DS over towards him. I hate to say, I think it's sort of hilarious when DS grabs a book and flatly rejects my DH's offer to read it. After 18 months of BFing and all the night wake ups, I think I've earned a little preference in the parental pecking order (of course, it can be a curse at times).

I hope it resolves for you soon.

[Willis Jackson]

Aug 27, 2015 7:16:01 GMT -5 holly116 said:

Aug 26, 2015 23:05:55 GMT -5 niq said:

I think I set the wrong tone in this thread. My feefees are not hurt. I do not feel rejected by my child. He is very happy to see me at daycare pickup. We have a lot of fun times together. But I appreciate the empathy and/or sympathy

I feel bad that it's hard to give msniq break when she wants one without going somewhere else. She just wants to be able to cook dinner in peace, and maybe not be on the hook for 100% of bedtime reading. We are trying different things here and there -- I'm not above the electronic babysitter; tonight I just picked him up on the late side of the end of the day, so that msniq had time to herself to cook; if he insists that mommy read a book, sometimes we ask him if we can all read it together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

How about just taking him outside? Go for a short walk? When I'm trying to get dinner started, I undoubtedly will have someone trying to step on my feet etc if they're even in the house.

This. The kids don't prefer me, but DH still tries to get them as far away from the kitchen as possible (preferably outside) while I"m making dinner.