Help me make sense of this :(

[quietmind]

My H and I have been separated for 6 months because he had an affair. He still sees her. He called me the other night and asked when I would let him take our kids around her. I was shocked, to say the least. He won't agree to divorce, he still comes by the house and calls daily. He calls crying and saying he wants to be with us but he knows I could never forgive him and he don't blame me. He really wants to have his cake and eat it too. Our kids are 14 and 4. There's no way they're ready for this. My daughter is angry. She figured out what he was doing long before he left. My son knows he's gone, but H is around so much I don't think he really understands that he's gone for good. I told H he needs to let the kids get used to the fact that their parents are divorced before he tries to introduce someone else to them.

Am I wrong? He also admitted it's her that's pushing for it. She's upset because he won't go through with the divorce and because he's still spending time with me. I'm furious that she thinks she has the right to have a say so in the welfare of our kids, but I'm even madder at him for actually asking me.

Sorry this is so long. Also, I know our relationship is still dysfunctional and I need to put a stop to a lot of it. I'm working on it.

[cuddlyevil]

Get you and the kids into therapy ASAFP.

You need to set boundaries with him--he can't come over the house daily. Just because he won't agree to the divorce doesn't mean you can't start the process--get a lawyer.

She's pushing him like this because she wants him to file already. If you're not comfortable with her meeting the kids yet, then she doesn't get to meet the kids.

[quietmind]

cuddlyevil I've just started with a new therapist, and she's helping me find one for the kids. I have a lawyer, and she's drawn up an agreement for him to sign so we can file uncontested but he won't do it. I have another appt with her in 2 weeks.
I know I have such anger towards her, and him of course that I know that may be clouding my judgment. But, there's no way I think my kids are ready for this yet.

[glitzyglow]

Can you file for a divorce? He might say he won't agree, but he might change his tune when he is hit with papers and either has to agree or spend money to contest it. Also you can draw up a parenting plan with your lawyer that sets guidelines for introducing children to new partners (among other things it can outline) that he can agree to or contest.

[doriswe]

I'm with cuddlyevil on setting some clear boundaries. If you want to be separated/divorced you need to stop engaging with him. The only matters you two have to discuss are kid matters and it most definitely doesn't need to be daily. I think once you set some clear boundaries, you'll feel a lot better and see things for what they are.

It's way too confusing to have the kids meet her but at the same time, you really have no say in it. If he's determined to do it, he's going to. It sucks, but it's the reality.

[doriswe]

Also, direct your anger at the person it's intended...your H. HE made vows to you and did this. She's not the one who did this to you. I suspect if you put the blame where it really lies, you'll be less inclined to keep on in this fashion.

[cuddlyevil]

Aug 27, 2015 10:13:20 GMT -5 quietmind said:

cuddlyevil I've just started with a new therapist, and she's helping me find one for the kids. I have a lawyer, and she's drawn up an agreement for him to sign so we can file uncontested but he won't do it. I have another appt with her in 2 weeks.
I know I have such anger towards her, and him of course that I know that may be clouding my judgment. But, there's no way I think my kids are ready for this yet.

If he won't sign then you go the contested route. He's being a jackass and doing harm to his kids. I realize he doesn't see that, but he is. 

[quietmind]

TR He's very manipulative and controlling. I feel like it's my fault because I basically let him cheat on me for about 6 months or so before I finally told him he had to leave. It's not something I'm proud of.
glitzyglow I was wondering if the lawyer could include that in the parenting plan. He only sees them for the 5-10 mins he comes by on his way to work. He's picked them up and taken them out for dinner maybe 3 times. I really don't have the money to file but I have to do something. I can't keep on like this.

[quietmind]

doriswe you are absolutely right. My anger should be all directed towards him. I just don't think they're ready. He doesn't know the impact it's having because he's not around them long enough to see.

[quietmind]

Aug 27, 2015 10:23:39 GMT -5 TR said:

Aug 27, 2015 10:20:45 GMT -5 quietmind said:

TR He's very manipulative and controlling. I feel like it's my fault because I basically let him cheat on me for about 6 months or so before I finally told him he had to leave. It's not something I'm proud of.

So he thinks he can just keep on keeping on like he was before. You need to make it clear the rules have changed. Shit or get off the pot, son. (him, not you)

Yes. That's what he wants. He said he knows I'll never let him come back, so he keeps seeing her so he won't be alone. Everything comes back to being my fault. He honestly thinks he's the victim in the whole situation.

[doriswe]

Aug 27, 2015 10:23:36 GMT -5 quietmind said:

doriswe you are absolutely right. My anger should be all directed towards him. I just don't think they're ready. He doesn't know the impact it's having because he's not around them long enough to see.

He's using shitty judgment so please do not be surprised when the girlfriend meets the kids without you knowing about it prior. My XH did that with my DS.  Get a good game face and be ready for it.

ETA: Practice how you'll talk to the kids when it happens.  Do not feed into the drama. It's all very vanilla, from your point of view, even if you're seething. Let them lead the conversations but do not feed into it.  You need to be the parent who is doing the right thing for them, because he's not, right now.

[quietmind]

Aug 27, 2015 10:27:43 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Aug 27, 2015 10:23:36 GMT -5 quietmind said:

doriswe you are absolutely right. My anger should be all directed towards him. I just don't think they're ready. He doesn't know the impact it's having because he's not around them long enough to see.

He's using shitty judgment so please do not be surprised when the girlfriend meets the kids without you knowing about it prior. My XH did that with my DS.  Get a good game face and be ready for it.

That's what I'm afraid of. How did you DS react? How old was he?

[doriswe]

Aug 27, 2015 10:30:11 GMT -5 quietmind said:

Aug 27, 2015 10:27:43 GMT -5 doriswe said:

He's using shitty judgment so please do not be surprised when the girlfriend meets the kids without you knowing about it prior. My XH did that with my DS.  Get a good game face and be ready for it.

That's what I'm afraid of. How did you DS react? How old was he?

DS was 7. He was confused about it all (he didn't know about the affair, still doesn't) and I just let him talk it out.  If he was mad/upset I let him know I understood he was mad/upset. If he was having a great time over there with them, I amped up the "that sounds like a lot of fun!"

It's been 4 years and there have been a few girlfriends in and out of DS's life. DS has even made comments about how quickly XH moves in relationships. I'm neutral every time he talks about it.

ETA: I really do hope that XH finds a great person to be in a relationship with, because another loving adult in DS's life would be awesome!

[bg]

Aug 27, 2015 10:20:45 GMT -5 quietmind said:

 I really don't have the money to file but I have to do something. I can't keep on like this.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation. Does your state have any kind of financial assistance? I'd look into what types of programs are available to help you with filing/lawyers etc.

[quietmind]

Aug 27, 2015 10:41:26 GMT -5 bg said:

Aug 27, 2015 10:20:45 GMT -5 quietmind said:

 I really don't have the money to file but I have to do something. I can't keep on like this.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation. Does your state have any kind of financial assistance? I'd look into what types of programs are available to help you with filing/lawyers etc.

I need to do this. I never looked into it because he assured me he would sign the agreement and pay what needed to be paid. I should've known better.

[alleinesein]

Does your employer offer any type of free or discounted legal services? That would be something you could take advantage of and could save you some $$.

[quietmind]

Aug 27, 2015 14:12:31 GMT -5 alleinesein said:

Does your employer offer any type of free or discounted legal services? That would be something you could take advantage of and could save you some $$.

No I checked into that. I also checked the legal aid website for my state but all it says about divorce is they'll help if you're filing for domestic violence. I'm going to keep searching.

[glynn]

You need boundaries for everyone. I am kinda in the same boat but H will sign for the divorce he wanted. I won't without the house selling and he won't leave even though he has a girlfriend at work. He is currently Father of the year after not ever taking my DD anywhere without me. He hung out with her all last weekend and says he is taking her to GA this weekend to see family. We will see.

[1confused1]

You also need to get a custody agreement in place.

I agree with everyone, you need to set boundaries now.

[achase123]

Aug 27, 2015 10:19:13 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Also, direct your anger at the person it's intended...your H. HE made vows to you and did this. She's not the one who did this to you. I suspect if you put the blame where it really lies, you'll be less inclined to keep on in this fashion.

This. Sure she's the one pushing for this. I don't buy that. He sounds like he's walking all over you. Don't let him. Stand up for yourself and put your foot down.

[quietmind]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I do need to set boundaries. You're right achase123 he is walking all over me, and I let him. I emailed my lawyer yesterday and she said she may could work with me on the price and take payments. So when I have my appt we're going to talk about that. Thank you all for 'listening'. It really helps to talk to people who have been there, or are there now.

[quietmind]

Good luck to you chocolatepickle. There's no chance of reconciliation for us. There's no way I could let him come back. I'm working on setting boundaries with him, but I'm not doing a good job so far. I know I can't even begin to heal until I completely let him go.
I hope everything works out for you, whatever you decide.

[berbles]

Aug 28, 2015 12:15:50 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

quietmind, I don't have any real advice for you but I just wanted to chime in and say that my current state of my relationship/separation is also dysfunctional in a similar manner (he comes to the house every day to maintain appearances with the kids and to help with some chores, we've been going to counseling recently too so, supposedly, we are trying to reconcile, no affairs in our case though). I've been told that it is crazy and I should put a stop to it but I haven't been able to pull it off yet for a variety of reasons, including hopes for reconciliation, some convenience aspect, etc. I am working on it though.

Just wanted to say that you are not alone in this because I sometimes feel like I am. Good luck to us both.

Aug 28, 2015 15:03:15 GMT -5 quietmind said:

Good luck to you chocolatepickle. There's no chance of reconciliation for us. There's no way I could let him come back. I'm working on setting boundaries with him, but I'm not doing a good job so far. I know I can't even begin to heal until I completely let him go.
I hope everything works out for you, whatever you decide.

BOTH of you need to stop beating yourselves up for "not doing it right." Fuck anyone who even implies that. No one does divorce the same way. Take things one step at a time. As long as you're moving forward, even if it's REALLY slowly, you're doing it right. Make your plans, execute them as best you can, and keep moving forward. Things don't have to change in a second. Even if you're 100% sure of your decision, that doesn't mean you MUST FILE RIGHT NOW. Just don't stagnate. Don't backslide. Reaffirm yourself and your decision every day. Try to do one thing each week about moving the process forward. And also do at least one thing a week JUST for you. This is a really hard time in your lives. But you WILL get through it, I promise!

[quietmind]

Thank you berbles. I'm so used to being told it's all my fault and taking the blame. I started believing it. I'm still moving forward though, so I guess I am doing it right after all Thank you for that.

[berbles]

Aug 28, 2015 15:19:37 GMT -5 quietmind said:

Thank you berbles. I'm so used to being told it's all my fault and taking the blame. I started believing it. I'm still moving forward though, so I guess I am doing it right after all Thank you for that.

Yeah, my ex tried a few times to make the divorce my fault. I basically laughed right in his face each time he pretended he was the victim.

(Backstory, since I know you don't know me: I don't know whether XH actually cheated on me or broke up with me before he did. I know he was thinking about it. And as soon as I moved out, he publicly admitted he was dating a 19 year old. He was 32.)

[quietmind]

Aug 28, 2015 15:24:00 GMT -5 berbles said:

Aug 28, 2015 15:19:37 GMT -5 quietmind said:

Thank you berbles. I'm so used to being told it's all my fault and taking the blame. I started believing it. I'm still moving forward though, so I guess I am doing it right after all Thank you for that.

Yeah, my ex tried a few times to make the divorce my fault. I basically laughed right in his face each time he pretended he was the victim.

(Backstory, since I know you don't know me: I don't know whether XH actually cheated on me or broke up with me before he did. I know he was thinking about it. And as soon as I moved out, he publicly admitted he was dating a 19 year old. He was 32.)

Mine has blamed me from the start. He's played the victim the entire time. Everyone sees through his bullshit.

[Sparkle]

Dude is about BS ... call him out on it and handle your business legally. I cant stand a man-child!

[quietmind]

chocolatepickle are we married to the same man? I also feel like you do. I gave it everything I could, and then some. I can walk away knowing I tried it all.